Teased

By Cate

Over at the high school, some twenty-something extras are pretending to be high school students who are teasing another student about his hair. Displaying a really bad, mocking fake New Jersey accent, one guy says, "That was probably cool back in Joisey [sic], but here it's just…" he struggles for a while, but all he comes up with is the word "stupid." Were the writers too lazy to hit Shift-F7 and use the Thesaurus function? I'll admit, Microsoft Word's selection of synonyms for "stupid" is not the best in the world -- and believe me, I've certainly had occasion to investigate this over the past two years of recapping 7th Heaven -- but surely the writers can do better than that. I should point out that Tormented Boy's hair, while not stunningly beautiful, is no worse than anyone else's on this show. It's just a little messy and shapeless, that's all. It's nothing compared to one tormentor's ridiculous boomerang-shaped sideburns, or any number of Camden hair atrocities from shows past. ["And what's with the dissing Jersey?" -- Sars] Tormented Boy tries to leave, but Boomerang Burn won't let him. He pushes Tormented Boy against the bank of lockers. Actually, he lightly grabs Tormented Boy's shoulder and gently moves him back against the locker, but the sound effects would make you think he slammed him with a vengeance. I love it when shows have really poor production values.

Simon comes to the rescue, which is good of him. What's not so good is what he tells the tormentors, "For all you know, [Tormented Boy's] gonna come to school with a gun and shoot innocent students like me because he's angry at idiots like you, all right?" Wha…? Where the hell did that come from? Aren't the writers even going to try to set up plots with a semblance of reality or good storytelling? Maybe week they should start by having one of the characters read off the episode description from TV Guide. Then they could show some footage of ant farms for the fifty minutes and wrap it all up with a Very Important Lecture from RevCam about the Very Important Issue the show was to have dealt with. Better yet, they could get Notch Johnson from Son of the Beach to wrap it up. Back on screen, Tormented Boy leaves, and one of the tormentors warns Simon, "Don't ever embarrass us like that again." I think he's referring to Simon standing up for Tormented Boy, though maybe he's actually talking to his agent about this 7th Heaven gig.

After the tormentors leave, we see a teacher come out of a classroom at the end of the hall. Still on a roll, Simon accosts the man and says, "You had to have just heard that." I'm not sure why Simon would assume that, since the teacher had been inside a classroom that's at least fifteen feet away, and the door to the classroom was closed. The only thing the teacher could have heard were the fake-o slamming sound effects when Boomerang Burn pushed Tormented Boy against the lockers. But why should I worry about whether this scene is realistic? Obviously, no one working on the show does. Simon bitches at the teacher for a bit, to little avail. Finally, Simon yells out, "So what are we going to do about this?" The teacher answers the question by walking as far away from Simon as he can possibly get.

After the tormentors leave, we see a teacher come out of a classroom at the end of the hall. Still on a roll, Simon accosts the man and says, "You had to have just heard that." I'm not sure why Simon would assume that, since the teacher had been inside a classroom that's at least fifteen feet away, and the door to the classroom was closed. The only thing the teacher could have heard were the fake-o slamming sound effects when Boomerang Burn pushed Tormented Boy against the lockers. But why should I worry about whether this scene is realistic? Obviously, no one working on the show does. Simon bitches at the teacher for a bit, to little avail. Finally, Simon yells out, "So what are we going to do about this?" The teacher answers the question by walking as far away from Simon as he can possibly get.

After the opening credits, we hear some playful background music. I think it's supposed to be telling us that this scene is "fun" and "lighthearted." Robbie is moving furtively around the kitchen. He peeks into a kitchen cupboard, then departs. Ruthie -- who had been standing, very obviously silhouetted, outside the back door -- sneaks in as soon as Robbie leaves. She goes to the cupboard and pulls down a bag of cookies. We see, from a close-up, that they are a brand called "Brenda's Cookies." So I guess some prop person is sucking up to Brenda Hampton. Big deal. Even if the cast members feel compelled to laugh at that pathetic excuse for a joke, there's still no reason to subject the rest of us hapless viewers to it. Jeez. Let's just hope "Brenda" bakes cookies better than she writes teleplays. Robbie comes back into the kitchen to accuse Ruthie of stealing his cookies. For reasons that are never explained, Robbie feels compelled to give Ruthie a nickname. It's "Snookie," which he claims comes from "sneaking cookies." Inexplicably, Ruthie is thrilled by her new moniker, and claims, "I've always wanted a nickname." Well, you've been called plenty of names here at MBTV, Ruthie, though I realize some of them might not be suitable for a G-rated show. Lucy walks in and gets to hear the whole exciting "Snookie" story. Instead of commenting that it is the most annoying thing she has ever heard, Lucy politely changes the subject slightly by saying that she has always wanted a nickname herself. Ruthie says, "If you tell me what went wrong in New York with Jeremy, maybe I could come up with something." Ah, so we're still pretending to care about Lucy breaking up with her fiancé, even though everyone knew she would never actually get married. But thanks for reminding me, Ruthie, so I can play along too. Schmucky -- I mean, "Snookie" begs Robbie to tell her all about Lucy's broken engagement, but Robbie refuses. Ruthie wrinkles up her nose in disgust and then rolls her eyes, which is pretty much what I was doing here at home.

Annie walks into RevCam's office to find him playing with one of those paddles that has a ball attached to it with a string. He's amazingly uncoordinated. SuperMom walks in and says she's worried because Simon isn't home yet. When RevCam doesn't freak out over that news, SuperMom thinks he doesn't care, which makes her cry. Profusely. RevCam tries to make light of the fact that Annie had been calling herself "the eighth dwarf, Weepy, in Snow White." SuperMom gets her bitch on for about four seconds, then smiles lovingly at RevCam while he answers the telephone. I hope the fact that she's cycling through her mood changes so quickly now means that this irritating story arc will be coming to an end soon. I wonder if anyone realized, when they started with the whole menopause thing, that it's a state that can go on for years. I predict that we'll have a few more episodes of Annie acting all moody and wacky, and then the whole thing will be conveniently forgotten. I wouldn't mind too much, since Annie and her mood swings annoy me beyond comprehension, but still, that would be…stupid! Eric answers the phone to hear a sultry voice saying, "Leave your wife and children and come away with me." Hey, it's Morgan Fairchild, who will forever be Chandler Bing's mom to me. We're supposed to think she was kidding about that "come away with me" crack, since RevCam claims they are just friends. With a straight face, she says she's in Glenoak for the week and would love to see RevCam. Then she hangs up the phone without even saying goodbye. Annie tells RevCam, "Invite her over. After all, I liked your last girlfriend, Serena!" Annie storms off, and RevCam pulls on the string of the paddle-ball thing in frustration. It looks like he's about to floss his teeth with it.

Before he can carry on with his dental hygiene, however, a couple walks into his office. The man introduces his wife as Amy and himself as Tim. When RevCam tries to shake his hand, Tim points to his empty sleeve and says, "That's kind of what we came to see you about, the fact that I don't have an arm." Amy attempts a joke by saying, "Don't worry -- we don't want you to pray it grows back." RevCam does not laugh. I don't either. It's amazing how the jokes on this show alternate between totally vapid and pretty damn offensive. Where's the in-between stuff? The stuff halfway normal people might laugh at? Tim explains that he owns a prosthetic arm that he sometimes removes at work, since it is uncomfortable. It seems that his coworkers stole his arm as a joke. Is this for real? I know I was just offended by the "pray it grows back" remark, but despite myself, I'm laughing a bit now. What kind of mental state would someone have to be in to come up with a plot idea like this one? Now, that would make a good subject for a future episode -- of some show that deals with psychological case studies, that is.

Oh, here's Dopey and Cheryl, making out in his car in front of the clinic where he works. The two keep going at it until a nurse comes out from the clinic and tells Dopey to get to work. The nurse calls Matt "Hot Lips," and then beams profusely as though she had just said something clever, or even faintly amusing.

Cheryl drives off in Dopey's car, stopping when she sees Simon waiting for a bus. The extremely bright sunlight shows that Cheryl's makeup is about an inch thick. How unfortunate. She finds out that Simon took the wrong bus while trying to get home. I'd love to make fun of him, but, um, I've done that myself. Cheryl offers Simon a ride home, and a chance to talk. He accepts the ride but declines to talk to her, which seems a little rude -- though not nearly as rude as Simon usually is these days.

Lucy and Mary are carrying on one of their delightful long-distance phone conversations while Mary lights a candle, paying no mind to the fact that it's a little too close to a curtain. She earnestly explains to Lucy that she wants to be a firefighter, mainly because she can't think of anything else to do with her life. While she insults Lucy, we see that the candle she lit has set her bedroom curtains on fire. If only a wise and sober patriarch had lit that candle instead!

Back at the CamPound, RevCam must really hate Chandler's Mom, because he's subjecting her to the ritual of dinner with his family. He introduces everyone to her, then introduces her as "Bird." Robbie explains that he is the ex-boyfriend of Mary, who's not present. I still don't understand why he feels the need to assert that Mary is in "New York," rather than Buffalo, but he does. At least no one says "back east" this time. While Chandler's Mom recites back all the names of the kids, Ruthie comes up with a nickname for Lucy, in reference to the fact that the older girl just ditched her fiancé: "We'll call you Lady Liberty, after the Statue of Liberty, because you got your freedom in New York." Even Lucy is bright enough to realize that this idea is…stupid! Dopey struts in and tells people to call him "Hot Lips." But Matt, you already have a perfect nickname. I spent three seconds thinking it up for you! Are you telling me you don't like to be called "Dopey"? Because don't imagine for even a second that anyone would actually call you Hot Lips. Dopey does his usual frantic, overblown uncomedy routine; I avert my gaze. Annie leaves to fix an extra plate. When Ruthie asks how Bird got her nickname, Chandler's Mom stands up and explains that she has "bird legs." To demonstrate her point, she raises her skirt over her knee and does a little shimmy to show off her legs. It's pretty tame stuff, but that doesn't stop Annie from doing a slow burn when she walks in during the middle of it. She suggests that they all call Bird by her real name, since Eric has a "weak heart." How very 1947 of her. Simon asks Dopey about the Hot Lips situation. Matt explains something about not being able to work at the clinic until the clinic doctor gets the "legal department" to sort out whether the nurses calling Dopey Hot Lips is a sexual harassment issue for the clinic. It's all very convoluted, and I don't have the patience to sort it out. I'm too busy staring at the immense dining room table, which is just loaded down with food. Honestly, I don't know how Annie does it. Has she been cooking nonstop since dawn?

Annie changes the subject, thank goodness, to quiz Dopey about why Cheryl is driving his car around. She claims Dopey's insurance doesn't cover Cheryl as a driver. That's right, Annie, and that would be because Cheryl's car insurance covers her when she is a driver in someone else's car. That's how it works here, anyway. Now, I do realize that laws may work differently in California than Ontario, but past experience has shown me that, when dealing with 7th Heaven, it's safe to assume that the writers' take on matters legal is liable to be wildly inaccurate. Simon explains that Cheryl needed to drive to school, since she's now taking a class. Robbie greets this news with derisive laughter. Nice. RevCam tries to get the whole CamClan to settle down in front of their guest, but Simon's already too wound up. He goes off on a diatribe, demanding, "What is wrong with everyone? What's with all the teasing and the name-calling?" He storms off, and RevCam follows. Annie and Chandler's Mom give each other extremely fake smiles.

As RevCam is trying to catch up with Simon, the phone rings. Torn between wanting to talk to his son and hoping that this is the call he's been expecting from The Shopping Network about all the special night-stalking gear he ordered, RevCam elects to answer the phone. Unfortunately, the caller is just looking for Simon. RevCam walks into Simon's room with the cordless phone. Simon rudely grunts, "What?" Maybe he's morose because nobody gave him a nickname. Come on, Simon, cheer up! We can fix that. What would you prefer? "Simple Simon"? "Slime-on"? How about "Semen"? RevCam hands over the phone and stays to eavesdrop. I'll bet you're as surprised as I am to find out that the caller is Mick, Tormented Boy, whom Simon defended earlier. Mick is calling to thank Simon for his help, which Simon graciously acknowledges before taking a moment from the call to tell RevCam to scram. When Simon says that the tormentors were "losers," Mick agrees, adding, "That's why I'm going to blow them away." He says this in a conversational tone, as though he were mentioning a trip to the mall. I know that people who kill people don't necessarily sound crazy all the time, but I'm having a hard time accepting Mick as a potential killer, and I guess I'll just have to blame the acting for that. Simon has to take this revelation seriously, though, so he tries to talk Mick out of this plan -- even though, as you may recall, the whole shooting-people thing was originally Simon's idea anyway. When Simon very reasonably explains, "Shooting people won't solve your problems," Mick sarcastically replies, "Yeah, I should just let all their teasing roll off my back. That'll work." Well, Mick, actually, it will, though I know you're still a little young to see that. After promising that Simon won't get hurt, Mick hangs up. Of course, he doesn't say goodbye, though I'm a little less inclined to berate him for that when he's, you know, planning on killing a bunch of people.

No wonder Simon's looking morose and picking at his dinner while RevCam grills him about his bad mood. Evidently, Simon is not ready to share what he found out with Eric, and who can blame him? RevCam's not the easiest, least-judgmental guy to talk to. Simon's trying to play it off like he's just upset about having got on the wrong bus before, but RevCam -- employing his amazing psychic stalking powers -- comes up with this fabulous run-on sentence: "Simon, my gut tells me that you got on the wrong bus because you weren't paying attention, because you were already upset about something, and that something had to do with someone teasing someone, since that was the subject of your speech at dinner." Simon understands enough of that to be able to refute it. He asks RevCam to leave. That he asks this in a rude manner is about all I would expect of him.

With the meddlesome Eric out of the room, Simon picks up the phone and calls Sergeant Michaels. I'm surprised he's not using the secure red phone in RevCam's office. Nevertheless, Sergeant Michaels jumps to take the call. Simon says, "Look, I have a serious problem, and I'd talk to my dad about it, but the last time I had a serious problem like this, he nearly got killed." Sergeant Michaels sighs, probably remembering how close he'd come to getting out from under RevCam's thumb that time Eric nearly got killed.

Mary's lying in bed when slack-jawed Billy Campbell-wannabe Wilson calls her. He apologizes for calling so late, claiming that he was "working on the annual report." I think he means the Daily Jumble, but since it takes him a year to complete it, he doesn't realize there's a new one in the paper every day. As Dabney pointed out, Wilson is wearing a super-shiny tie with three little diamonds on it. Hey, is that swanky or what? He laughs at Mary for setting the curtains on fire, then tries to convince her that a sense of humour will be her best asset during her job interview with the fire department tomorrow. Mary has a little trouble following his line of reasoning, and so do I, but it turns out he means that, in the firehouse, she will be "the only woman surrounded by a bunch of guys, and guys like to kid around." What drivel. If Mary were smart, she would do exactly the opposite of everything Wilson ever tells her to do. But she's not, so she just tells him she loves him and accepts his good wishes for her interview -- despite the fact that he has not only not calmed her down, but has now given her another thing to worry about: being harassed by those teasing firefighters. Wilson is such a tool.

Robbie is sitting in the darkened CamKitchen, talking to Cheryl on the phone. It would be funny, albeit gross, to think that they're having phone sex, but instead Robbie is just apologizing for laughing earlier when he found out she was going to college. Of course, she wouldn't even know that he'd laughed at her if he hadn't just told her. But this way Robbie can pretend he's all noble and shit, because he apologized. A sad-looking Dopey has been eavesdropping on the conversation from the stair landing. You know, I've become so desensitized to these oafish Camdens that I can't even be shocked by that anymore.

Upstairs, Lucy is lying in bed while Ruthie pesters her about Jeremy. Ruthie says, "Come on, tell Snookie your deep, dark secrets." I'm sure Lucy speaks for all of us when she says, "Quit calling yourself 'Snookie.' I hate that." With the shortsightedness of the very young and very annoying, Ruthie tries to convince herself that Lucy's just peeved because she doesn't have a nickname, so she calls her "Lady Liberty." I'm sure Lucy speaks for all of us again when she says, "Oh, shut up!" After Ruthie tries to justify her rudeness by invoking a Camden's sacred right to know what's happening in everyone else's lives, Lucy hisses, "The way you sneak around, I'm surprised you haven't been able to sneak the information, Sneaky!" Ruthie is shocked and outraged to hear herself described as sneaky. Lucy reiterates her point, adding, "I think Robbie was trying to tell you in a nice way…maybe he was trying to point something out to you. Good night, Sneaky." Lucy turns her back and the camera zooms in on Ruthie, who does her best to look devastated. Given how valid Lucy's criticisms are, I'm not sure why we're supposed to feel bad for Ruthie. Personally, I think Lucy's speech was way overdue, and for a brief, shining moment, I feel a trace of fondness for Lucy.

In the CamBoudoir, Annie is lying on her side while RevCam stares creepily at her. Aw, man -- doesn't he ever give the stalking a rest? Annie senses his eerie gaze upon her, so she asks why he's staring. He tells Annie his feelings were hurt when she said he had a weak heart earlier. Why, oh, why can't these people get lives? Eric does have a weak heart. He had a heart attack two years ago, remember? And while I'm sure he can still lead a long and active life, I can't imagine his heart is that of a healthy twenty-year-old. Especially when he's constantly faced with the stress of having to turn every innocuous comment into an insult, just so it fits in to tonight's theme of "teasing." And now he's faced with a flood of tears from SuperMom, who's crying because she upset RevCam and because…oh, does anyone really care? I'm sure she'll go back to kvetching in a moment or two, anyway. RevCam wonders aloud about what Chandler's Mom wants to discuss with him. Thanks for cranking up the crappy fake suspense, writers. RevCam lets his fingers do some walking up Annie's arm. It takes her a moment to realize that this is his primitive way of getting romantic, but when she clues in, she turns her back to RevCam and rolls her eyes ostentatiously. I can't say I'd react any differently if my husband tried out such a cheesy move on me.

Simon calls the Glenoak Police Department and asks for Sergeant Michaels. Despite the fact that Simon never gave the dispatcher his name, Michaels knows it's Simon calling. Michaels says that he visited Mick's house earlier, under the pretext of receiving several anonymous calls from students upset over Mick's harassment. That's pretty crafty, actually. Michaels concluded that "Mick doesn't exhibit any of the usual signs of being a shooter," and he launches into tonight's PSA about those signs. However, he adds, "You heard what you heard, and despite the way things look, I'm not absolutely certain he doesn't have the potential for violence, because he did make that threat." What's his expert advice? Talk to RevCam. Why? Trust me, I'm as baffled as you are.

In the CamKitchen the morning, Ruthie studiously avoids speaking to Robbie. When he gets up to leave, she sticks her tongue out and makes a face at him. Has she been taking acting lessons from Annie? Ruthie's still all self-righteous about Robbie's nickname for her, insisting that Robbie believes she's sneaky. She concludes with, "I don't want him calling me 'Snookie' anymore." Believe me, Ruthie, I don't think any of us want to hear that nickname spoken aloud any more than you do.

A rotund man walks into RevCam's office and apologizes for being late, since he "had a few things to do -- doughnuts." He pats his ample belly, laughs heartily, and introduces himself as Roland, saying that his boss sent him to speak to RevCam. He insists on calling Eric "Rev." I'm a little disappointed that there's no MBTV shout-out here. Come on, writers, it would have been so easy for Roland to call Eric "RevCam"! And it would have made me (and Mr. S, who coined the term) so happy! Roland is the supervisor of Tim, the man whose arm was stolen by his coworkers. Roland tries to explain what a joyous atmosphere exists in his office, what with everyone teasing him about his weight and teasing all his coworkers about all their physical shortcomings. I don't mind a jokey office atmosphere, but don't these people have any creativity? And could this good-ol'-boy supervisor be any more of a caricature? Roland insists that if Tim "wants to be one of the guys, this is what happens." I'm sure no one could accuse the writers of subtlety here. It's pretty funny, though, when Eric insists that Tim get his arm back, and Roland asks, "What, do I answer to you now, Rev?" I don't know, Roland. Are you a police officer, or a pizza place owner, or a car dealer? If not, then maybe you don't answer to RevCam. You should probably check the town's by-laws, though, just to be sure. RevCam does offer Roland some good advice about teasing: "It's one thing to have a sense of humour about yourself; it's another to cooperate with people who are humiliating you, and that's what these guys are doing to Tim, and to you. But you're the boss. You're in charge so take charge." He natters on for a bit in this vein, and I'm sure he completely transformed Roland's life and all, but I think we can be excused for not caring, since we've only known Roland for a little over two minutes. Simon has been eavesdropping by the door, naturally.

In front of her bedroom mirror, Mary practices some snappy jokes for her job interview. Here's a sample: "Hi. Mary Camden, pyromaniac. Perhaps we met at my recent fire." The jokes aren't all that bad, but she ends them with fakey, ditzy laughter, which makes her sound like a bimbo. Which is what I would call anyone, male or female, who thinks Wilson is a good person to go to for career advice.

Back at the CamPound, SuperMom hassles Lucy about her broken engagement, but Lucy doesn't want to discuss it. However, she's more than willing to discuss other people's business when Annie asks if she knows anything about Ruthie not being on speaking terms with Robbie.

Cheryl is mad at Dopey for being "insensitive." Dopey is surprised, and asks, "In general, or about something in particular?" I'd say in general, Matt, though Cheryl is just mad at him for not being supportive enough about her attending college. Dopey doesn't even deal with that; he just turns it back on her by shamelessly admitting that he overheard her talking to Robbie on the phone the night before. Cheryl's spent enough time around the Camdens, apparently, that she's also become desensitized to all the eavesdropping. In fact, she feels she must defend herself against Dopey's wrath, arguing that Robbie knows her well, and knows about her relationship with her mother -- whatever that means. Dopey sulks some more because she talked to Robbie instead of him, and Cheryl falls for his whiny routine, not even bothering to pursue the whole insensitivity thing. That's nice of you to make it all about yourself, Dopey.

At the high school, Mick comes up to Simon and says he knows Simon sent Sergeant Michaels over to his house. He insists that it was all a joke and that he's not planning on shooting anyone. Simon looks unconvinced, but he apologizes anyway, saying, "I'm sorry for the mistake, man, if it was a mistake." The Tormenting Trio arrives to break up the bonding. One guy pipes up with what, I assume, is supposed to be an insult: "Oh, look -- it's little preacher boy, with the geek." Oh, come on, can't they do better than that? That was just…stupid! Besides, anyone with facial hair as ridiculous as this guy's has no cause to be teasing anyone else. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be a soul patch, or if he was eating soup at lunch and forgot to wipe his chin. Oh, no! Look what's happened. Now I'm teasing people myself. I'm so ashamed! Mick tries to stare down the tormentors while Simon looks away uncomfortably.

In his office, RevCam is trying to get through to Sergeant Michaels. Boy, he must be peeved that Michaels isn't at his beck and call. Shouldn't the sergeant be waiting for him by the special CamPhone? Unfortunately for us, Chandler's Mom has arrived, and she's ready to have her Very Important Talk with The Good RevCam. Hope you're not sick of the teasing theme yet, because this story's a doozy. Here goes: Bird's brother, Ben, was the kindest, sweetest person around. He had a clubfoot, and their father used to tease him, since he suffered from the same hereditary condition himself and had always been sensitive about it. Ben had a child who inherited the same problem. When Ben's father first saw the baby, he made a joke about the baby's foot. Ben was so upset that he took his wife and child and left town, never to be heard from again. He didn't even leave a forwarding address for Bird.

See, if someone told me this story in person, I'd probably be in tears. But there's just something about it being on this show that makes me, well, want to laugh. For the record, I don't think there's anything at all funny about families being torn apart, or about medical conditions (well, except for the one that makes men think it's a good idea to grow a soul patch). But this story, like so many of the others that have graced this show, has that old-time evangelical preacher feel to it, where anyone who does not subscribe to the preached way of life ends up suffering from some extravagant tragedy. I remember perusing the web site of a controversial Christian college whose founder liked to tell stories of what happened to those who made the hideous mistake of attending secular schools. These wretched souls, so traumatized by having to learn about things like science and philosophy, invariably returned home with ruined morals and shattered lives. I also remember reading a parody of a hygiene booklet in National Lampoon, in which every teenager who indulged in masturbation ended up being run over by a bus. I doubt the National Lampoon piece provided much inspiration for the 7th Heaven writers (although I'd love to see a treatment of that episode), but I would be plenty surprised if the Evangelical Guilt tradition didn't have a hand in shaping this show. And I'm here to tell you that it sucks. Why should I feel sorry for this Ben guy? It's too bad he had a clubfoot and a nasty father who teased him. But did he have to leave town? Couldn't he just have cut ties with his father, or tried to understand why the man was so cruel? And why did he cut himself off from his loving sister, making her so unhappy in the process? Doesn't that make him something of a dick?

To prove how pure and noble Bird is, she wants RevCam's help in forgiving her father for his cruelty. For once, Eric gives some good advice about how it may not be in her power to forgive, so she should turn it over to God and move on with her life, and with trying to find the brother who didn't care enough about her to keep in touch. Bird sighs and says, "You can't imagine what a relief that would be." Can you imagine how relieved I'll be when this episode is over? At least Simon interrupts RevCam's counseling session with Bird before it gets too sappy. I'm all prepared to diss Simple Simon for being rude yet again, but he does say that it's "a matter of life and death."

In the CamKitchen, Annie is folding laundry when Robbie walks in. She tells him that Ruthie would like him to stop calling her "Snookie." She also explains Lucy's theory that "Snookie" is a synonym for "sneaky." Somehow this all ends with Annie hugging Robbie and crying because she loves him. Damn, I can't wait until they drop this menopause story.

Cheryl calls Dopey at the clinic. The nurse who started up that super-fresh Hot Lips nickname hands him the phone. Cheryl has something to tell him that is "kind of embarrassing." Is it that she's playing a doormat of a character who's dating a dork on a bad television show? No, although I'm sure that is embarrassing. Her problem: "My mom and her boyfriend used to always call me 'Blondie' and make jokes about how stupid I was." Jeez, couldn't she have prepared a problem for this week's show that didn't have to do with teasing? How about a really bad urinary tract infection? (Feel free to use that idea week, writers!) Cheryl is going to school to prove something to herself, but she's afraid of failure. She says, "If I fail, then that really is proof that I'm a dumb blonde." Actually, Cheryl, my guess is that you're only one of those things. Isn't the fact that you're dating Dopey proof enough? The Dopester offers up some platitudes, including this gem: "If you knew everything, then you wouldn't need to learn anything." Um, thanks, Matt, I…think.

Robbie goes up to the girls' bedroom to talk to Ruthie, but she has the good sense to leave. He stays to chat it up with Lucy, finding out that she is upset about Ruthie calling her "Lady Liberty." Okay, Lucy, so it's an inane nickname, but just do what everybody else in the world does to Ruthie and ignore her. Really, it's not so hard. SuperMom has been eavesdropping by the door, though she pretends not to have heard anything. She sternly sends Robbie downstairs to talk to Ruthie, then glares at her daughter until Lucy gives in and tells her why she and Jeremy split. It had to do with his family -- are you ready? -- "teasing [her] relentlessly about being a goody two-shoes." And I'll bet you thought it would have nothing to do with teasing. Seems no one on this show is even remotely capable of coming up with a good insult, and Jeremy's family is no exception. They used to call her "Mother Teresa." This would be a far better story if Lucy focused on her hurt over the teasing in general, rather than the fact that the nickname is not accurate, since Lucy hasn't done even a fraction of the good deeds Mother Teresa performed. Isn't she kind of missing the point? I actually do feel bad for her, though, because even though she is sappy and has really bad judgment, I do like her a little. It's just that I appreciated her more when she was taking Ruthie down a peg or two. In any case, she liked Jeremy's family, even though they -- gasp! -- smoked pot and drank alcohol and threw a lot of parties. They didn't like her, though, and so they kicked her out. Part of me feels bad for her, but the evil part of me wants to laugh. I manage to restrain myself, even when Lucy says, "It's hardly a Camden world out there." You mean not everyone is a judgmental stalker with bad parenting skills? Amen to that!

Wilson calls Mary, who doesn't want to pick up the phone at first. She gives in, though, and yells at him for advising her to showcase her uncomedic talents at her interview, since her nonstop joking made the employer think she didn't take the job seriously. Well, duh, Mary. I told you not to listen to anything Wilson says. And what is up with his coif? It looks like the stylist threw a bunch of gel on his hair, gave his head a rough toweling, and sent him out in front of the cameras. Honestly, he's not a bad-looking guy, but this 'do makes his head look like a toilet brush.

Robbie looks for Ruthie in the kitchen but can't find her. That's because she's been hiding inside the window seat. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. Robbie tries to explain that he doesn't think she's sneaky, even though we all know better. Ruthie's convinced by his blather, though, and she forgives both Robbie and Lucy, who notes, "We're all a little sneaky around here." No shit. A group hug is shared by all.

RevCam and Simon walk into the CamKitchen. Simon goes upstairs, and Annie starts crying and hugging RevCam. When RevCam tells her that Simon is "going to speak to the social studies classes…about changing the world," Annie bursts into a fresh shower of tears. I thought there was nothing left in my stomach by now, but I was wrong.

Ooh, it's time for Simon's soliloquy! It's pretty standard stuff, although I do perk up when he offers this platitude: "You know, that's a pretty weird concept. Someone calls you a name, so you kill them?" Uh, yeah, Simon, that is pretty "weird," but thanks for pointing it out anyway. When speaking of "name-callers," Simon delivers my favourite frantic line: "Like a pack, they engage others in their hunt to search and destroy the already vulnerable students." All in all, though, his speech is fairly well written. I genuinely like the line, "I think it's time for the mean and the cruel to be silenced by our insistence, before they, or any of us, are silenced by a gun." Simon's speech carries on in voice-over while Mick, in the company of RevCam, two police officers, and two people whom I can only assume are the town gossips opens his locker to reveal that he did indeed have a gun in there. You know, I really couldn't come up with a better ending for this episode. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually going to drink a toast to Brenda Hampton with my post-recap half glass of wine. Nicely done.

So I don't think we'll be seeing Mick around Glenoak anymore. But something tells me Mary may be getting a new roommate at the Colonel's.