The WB promo announcer guy promises that Mary will be returning to the show "a changed woman." That could only be an improvement, but since I'm convinced the people who write the promos never actually watch the show, I'm not holding my breath.
The episode begins with RevCam and Mary having a phone conversation about her coming to Glenoak for a weekend visit. Eric says that she is more than welcome, but he wants to make sure that she will be returning to Buffalo when the weekend is over. Mary is far too dimwitted to be insulted by that. Or possibly she's too excited about the prospect of talking to The Amazing Robbie to notice anything else. RevCam is heading off to fetch St. Robbie when Annie walks in. She makes some snide comment about RevCam reaping what he has sown. I assume she's referring to Robbie living at the CamPound, even though I never figured out exactly why that was supposed to be a problem anyway. RevCam passes the phone to Annie, who tries to tell Mary how great it will be to have her visit. Mary doesn't give a shit about that; she just wants to discuss Robbie's amazingness. See, I told you the promo people never watched the show. Mary hasn't changed; she's still the same rude, selfish git she's always been. Lucy comes in, followed by Ruthie. They try to speak to Mary on the phone, but both get dissed because Mary's only interested in speaking to Robbie. Ruthie's hair is blow-dried straight. It looks good, but I find it a little off-putting that someone so young would go to such great effort to change her basic hair texture. Speaking of hair, some of the other characters' hair looks different this episode too. Annie's got a new 'do that's flatter and darker and hangs over one eye. Lucy's hair seems a bit darker too. RevCam's hairline remains its usual receding self, though, and Robbie still looks like he cuts his own hair while using a cereal bowl as a guide. I'll bet Dopey's hair will suck the most, just as it always does. Mary tries to elicit some excitement from Robbie over her impending visit, but the best reaction he can come up with is Fakey Lackluster. The Camdens all look concerned, as does Robbie. His Camden-ness seem to be progressing apace. Why, before you know it, he'll be toilet-papering something! Mary hangs up the phone, sans goodbye. The writers punish her by making her try to shimmy in a sitting position while singing some dumb-ass song about how she's going to see Robbie. I'm happy to say that she looks like a complete idiot doing that.
I'm rejoicing because I managed to hit the fast-forward button before the lame-o theme song started. It's the little things that count.
In time-honoured 7th Heaven tradition, nothing even vaguely interesting happens for the few minutes of the show. Credits are displayed while Mary wanders through the CamPound, looking for someone, anyone, to talk to. Finally, Annie comes in and greets Mary, just as RevCam walks in the back door, struggling with Mary's huge duffel bag. Annie tries to make small talk, but obviously Mary doesn't give a flying fuck about her parents; she just wants to know where Robbie is. SuperMom explains something about Robbie being held up at soccer practice. Amazingly, Mary asks about the other family members, but it seems none of them can be bothered to be around for her homecoming. Annie tries to soften the blow, but I'm laughing too hard to hear what she says. I do make note of the fact that Simon is going out with Sasha tonight. Actually, that's pretty funny too, because she's that hot-and-horny senior girl who allegedly wants freshman Simon. I'm sure the odds of anything like that ever happening are about the same as the possibility of Dopey completing med school. Mary starts hauling her huge bag upstairs. The CamRents wait at least until she's reached the first landing before they start discussing her and how they're anxious about the visit. They also speculate on whether Robbie and Mary will have sex, except they call it "do[ing] something stupid." You can insert your own CamRent contraception joke here.
Upstairs, Simon strolls by. Unfortunately he's shirtless again. But at least he doesn't stop to chat when he sees Mary; he just keeps walking and says, "How you doin'?" Now Mary's getting upset, especially when Ruthie doesn't display any interest in her either. For reasons never explained, Ruthie is wearing a yellow babushka made out of a bandana. Lucy comes in, and she and Ruthie discuss allergies and soccer while pretty much ignoring Mary. Hee. This is one of the best episodes ever! I'm sure that won't last, but for now, it's funny to see Mary huff out of the room because no one's paying any attention to her.
Robbie demonstrates that his Camden conversion is complete by discussing his own very personal romantic business with Matt and saying things like, "I'm not planning on doing anything, especially anything that wouldn't meet with the family's approval." Gross. Even grosser is Dopey's hair. Hey Matt, Liza Minnelli called and she wants her hair back. You might as well give it to her, because the gamine look is not doing anything for you anyway.
In the CamKitchen, Annie is studying and Eric is just moping around, holding a cup and a newspaper, I think. Actually, nobody's bothered to give him a specific activity; they've just stuck him in this scene to wait for Simon, I guess. Simon comes in. It looks like someone gelled his hair into a helmet shape and then dropped him on his forehead so the helmet got all smooshed out of shape in front. I know the possibility of a writer's strike has been big news in the entertainment industry since last year, but nobody told me there was a hairstylists' strike going on. Surely that's the only explanation for how everyone looks today. The only other possibility I can imagine is that someone wants to make the characters look more "edgy." I can see the producers doing that, but I don't know why they would bother. Simon is all nervous as he tells Eric that he's just looking for "a couple of bucks" he lost. He turns down RevCam's offer to lend him money and then leaves. The CamRents speculate on whether Simon will be seeing Sasha alone or with a group of people. I'd be perfectly happy not to see Sasha at all, but I guess no one asked me.
Mary's as surly as ever. She's attempting to shoot baskets, but she keeps missing. Ha ha! That really was the only thing she was ever good at. When Robbie comes along and says, "How's it going?" she totally loses it and starts bitching him out because he's not happy enough to see her. He kisses her on the cheek, which just pisses her off more. She grabs him and plants a clumsy kiss on his mouth before stalking off. Oh, yeah, she's changed. That's right.
Lucy is gathering laundry from the bathroom hamper when she finds a man's wallet. Without any further ado, she looks inside it, then tosses it "comically" into the air. The non-suspense is not exactly killing me.
Robbie has a heart-to-heart with Ma Camden, saying he doesn't want to be Mary's motivation for returning to Glenoak. SuperMom tells him he should share that info with Mary. Just as Robbie's telling Annie about how Mary kissed him, Dopey walks in and seems to feel that this is in some way his business. He makes one snide comment and then leaves. Was there a reason for his appearance in this scene? Because I sure as hell don't see one. Robbie continues sharing his thoughts with Annie about her daughter. He says, "It's just that when she kisses me...." and then trails off. God is merciful, and we never have to hear Annie explain to Robbie what an erection is.
Upstairs, Lucy waylays Dopey to show him the scary wallet she found. She really hopes that it belongs to him. I know nobody's mentioned it yet on the show, but surely y'all know that what's in the wallet is a condom. Would anyone in the real world be shocked by that? I can't imagine why, but judging from the caliber of hate mail we receive, there are some mighty clueless people out there. Dopey gingerly opens up the wallet then closes it again, with a look of disbelief, or disgust, or...something. He asks Lucy why she wants the wallet to be his. If she were as smart as the producers want us to believe she is, she would say something about how it's way past time for Matt to start having sex. However, this is 7th Heaven, so she doesn't. Naturally, she and Dopey are really concerned that it might be Robbie's wallet, and that he is planning to deflower the pristine and dainty Mary Camden. Because, you know, nineteen-year-old Mary can't sort out her own sex life without the aid of her busybody loser siblings. Actually, Lucy takes her head out of her own ass for long enough to inquire, "Is it any of our business?" It should come as no great surprise that Matt thinks it is. He gives a long, dumb lecture about the untrustworthiness of Robbie while Lucy rolls her eyes. I can't take Dopey seriously either, not least because he's so stupid he can't even figure out how to shave under his lower lip. I known that look has a name, but to me it doesn't exist, because I refuse to believe anyone would want to leave facial hair there, and only there, on purpose.
After some commercials and a random, gratuitous shot of the twins, Simon arrives to receive a grilling, RevCam-style, about his romantic life. Ruthie trots off obediently with the twins, and RevCam gets down and nosy. Simon says that if he wanted to get away with something, he would be vague about what he was doing this evening. Eric prissily states that Simon would be lying if he did that. I think that's open to interpretation anyway, but the point is moot since, as Simon states, he is not leaving out anything about his plans. He insists he knows how to lie, but chooses not to. RevCam essentially tells him that he's lying right now. Lovely. I'm sure that's not going to do a number on Simon's self-esteem or anything. I'm feeling all righteously angry for Simon, until he passes the buck by telling RevCam he should be focusing his "gut feelings on someone else in the house right now." What a weasel. The doorbell rings, and Simon and RevCam compete to answer it. RevCam is thrilled to see that it's Sasha at the door, because now he can ask her a whole whack of nosy questions too. He's very concerned about what movie they'll be watching. Eric, if they're planning on watching porn, do you really think they'd tell you? RevCam continues the grilling, including asking Sasha if her parents fixed up their house themselves. For some reason, this makes Sasha laugh and say to Simon, "Your dad's so cute." Finally RevCam lets the kids leave. As he's closing the door, he tells himself that Simon is actually on a date. He says that in the tone of voice usually reserved by doctors who have to tell patients they have only two months to live. Lighten up, Eric. Simon's such a dork, it's doubtful he'll get into any real trouble.
RevCam takes his busybody self into the kitchen, where he and Annie dis Mary some more. They trust Robbie now, but they don't trust Mary. Man, that's harsh. I don't understand why people hold the CamRents up as such great examples of parenting. It would seem to me that they did a pretty shoddy job of raising their kids if they can't trust any of them.
Robbie is undergoing an interrogation by Dopey. Personally, I would have chosen the cyanide capsule. Robbie insists the wallet is not his; Dopey claims that it is. He won't even entertain the idea that it could belong to Simon. Referring to the evil condom, he asks, "What would Simon be doing with something like this?" Hee! I guess RevCam's been too busy stalking his daughters to explain the facts of life to Matt. Or maybe he's saving that little talk for Dopey's thirtieth birthday. He may need to wait a few more years beyond that, though -- Dopey even has trouble saying the word "sex." In fact, Dopey is so devoid of a life of his own that he keeps maintaining that Robbie has some elaborate plot to get Mary into bed. Actually, I really doubt it would take very much to accomplish that. Now that Mary's spiraled down and all, I'll bet half a beer would convince her. Anyway, Robbie's actually making sense, for a change, when he calls Dopey "mental" and tries to end the conversation. It would have been great if he'd just left then and there, but instead he does a turnaround and starts asking what he can do to make Dopey trust him. Dopey's brilliant suggestion is that Robbie stay in "plain sight" whenever he's with Mary, and that he get her to spend her evening playing board games with other people. I'll bet he's just doing that because no one else will play Chutes and Ladders with him. Robbie doesn't think Mary's gonna go for the board-game idea, but he will ask her about it. Dopey shows off his suave way with women when he says, "Don't ask her, you tell her." Ooh, how forceful! Maybe that's why he never gets laid himself.
Robbie is walking away down the hall when Mary comes out of the bathroom, clad only in a towel. St. Robbie gets all flustered at the sight of Mary's bare shoulders. Like a true idiot, he tries to tell Mary that they will be playing board games tonight. She wonders if that was "Matt's lame idea" and says that they will not be staying home. She struts off and Robbie sighs.
Sasha is lighting candles in her Den of Iniquity, except the fact that it looks like she wants to seduce Simon makes it more of a Den of Incredulity. Her parents let her have the guesthouse all to herself, and this is what she chooses to do with it? She informs Simon that no one else will be coming over. This makes Simon nervous. Sasha tells him that her parents "totally trust" her, then she leans in to kiss Simon. I think this is supposed to contrast with the way the CamRents totally do not trust their offspring, and I'll bet someone's trying to imply that the Camden way is so much better, since we all know kissing is evil. Sasha is obviously a bad girl, since she's coming on to Simon, and good girls just don't do that sort of thing -- at least not in the freak show universe that is Glenoak. The nightmare gets even weirder when Simon asks for a glass of water and Sasha says, "You can have anything you want -- you're Simon, Simon Camden." Honestly, I have no clue where the writers are trying to go with that, but I prefer to think that Sasha's indulging in a little mockery.
Up in their old room, Mary and Lucy pretend to have a charming bonding session, except that it's not charming and they don't really bond, because you can tell they don't like each other very much. Mary can't understand why no one's thrilled to have her back; Lucy insists that Robbie is happy, but she kind of glosses over the rest of the family's feelings. She's also extremely curious about Mary going out alone with Robbie. When Mary tells her that she has a plan she wants to share with Robbie, Lucy asks her if it involves sex. She has a little trouble saying the word too, but at least she actually says it. She can't quite bring herself to say the word "condom," though, so she just makes some goofy faces and head gestures until Mary guesses what she means. Is that ever irritating! Instead of snarling that Lucy should mind her own business, Mary tries to defend herself to Lucy, saying that if Robbie has a condom, it's not because of her. She thinks about it for a bit and then adds that if Robbie was thinking about her that way, she wouldn't be upset. Lucy is aghast at this admission, even when Mary assures her that she would never do anything more than just kiss Robbie. Lucy says something about Mary seducing Robbie into her "wacky plan." I don't know what that means either, but I wish Lucy would just shut up.
In the CamKitchen, RevCam is sorting through the laundry in hopes of finding Simon's money so he can interrupt his date by bringing the money over to Sasha's. What the fuck? Dopey wants to join in the merriment also. Annie tries to rein in RevCam by telling him he can't interrupt Simon's evening, but Eric and Dopey are really involved in discussing the exciting wallet mystery, so they just ignore her. Mary and Robbie walk through on their way out to the Promenade. At least they pay Annie a little bit of attention when she brightly tells them to have a good time. Dopey offers to bring Simon the wallet, and once more Annie shoots down that moronic idea. Dopey gets all huffy and pretends that he was trying to be helpful, even though we all know that he's just sexually frustrated and has no life of his own. True to form, he sees Lucy as he's leaving and he informs her, sotto voce, that Simon lost his wallet. This causes Lucy to fall into a tizzy, and she follows Dopey upstairs so they can continue their fascinating discussion of the renegade condom. Annie wants to know what's going on. RevCam says that they will have to find out for themselves. Wow, a Camden family stalking mission! Fabulous! I should probably mix myself a drink now, so I'll be prepared.
I'm not sure, exactly, why Mary is driving her old sports car around. I know RevCam illegally seized it, but I don't recall seeing it since Mary left town. Oh well, I'm sure there's no logic involved, so I should just quit thinking about it. Anyway, Mary and Robbie are arguing over...yes, the stupid condom. You'd never be able to guess this turn of plot, but Mary does not believe Robbie when he says the condom is not his. Is there anyone on this show who even vaguely trusts anyone else? What a nasty world it would be if one had to be completely suspicious of everything anyone does. It's an all-around nasty world the Camdens live in, because after Robbie tells Mary the mystery wallet belongs to Simon, he calls Sasha both "experienced" and "selfish." Since Robbie doesn't exactly know Sasha, how would he know that she's selfish? I'll bet we're supposed to think that she's selfish because she came on to Simon instead of sitting back and waiting for the man to make the first move. Mary puts forth the same baseless argument that Dopey did, saying that Simon would never have sex because he's only fifteen. When Robbie says, "Anything is possible," Mary uses it as an annoying segue into discussing her "plan." Robbie couldn't care less about her plan, because now he's all gung-ho to go interrupt Simon's date. How very...Camden of him. He ungraciously agrees to listen to Mary's plan before stalking Simon. Mary starts off by reminding him of how he wanted to get married last year but that she wasn't ready. Beyond that, her only plan seems to be to make out with him, because that's what she proceeds to do.
While Mary and Robbie aren't exactly playing board games, the rest of the Camdens are, though Lucy takes time out to talk about how she suspects Simon is out on a real date with Sasha. The other detestable spawn join in, even though Annie is trying to be the voice of reason. RevCam interrupts this ugly scene by walking in with a package. He apologizes for taking so long, claiming there was traffic. Dopey doesn't believe this excuse, and as always, he has no qualms about making his views known. RevCam is very offended when Dopey accuses him of spying, but I'm actually somewhat impressed that they're bringing it into the open, especially when Lucy accuses Eric of having a double standard because he spied on her and Mary and not on Simon. Ruthie offers up her opinion that they would all be surprised "if Simon weren't making out." Annie tries to take the high road again by sticking up for Simon, but she's pretty much outnumbered.
Dopey and RevCam repair to the kitchen to have a very manly discussion about Simon's sex life, in which it is revealed that RevCam did indeed go by Sasha's house on his way back from the ice cream parlour, and that he also looked for Mary and Robbie down at the Promenade. After learning about the evil condom, RevCam decides it's necessary to stalk again. When he tells the rest of the family he has to go back to the ice cream parlour, they all volunteer to join him on his stalking mission. Annie is positively giddy about the notion, and Ruthie even calls it spying. That still doesn't make it cute. Far from it.
Down on the Promenade, Robbie has nixed Mary's "wacky plan" that he move to Buffalo with her. He halfheartedly asserts that it's too cold for him, which Mary claims "build character." Robbie shows what an annoying, sniveling Camden he's become when he tells her, "I'd rather build character while living in your parents' house." That must be more than a little weird for Mary to hear. She tells Robbie she'll never be returning to Glenoak permanently, and he freaks out. Mary says she likes Buffalo because she got a fresh start there, and people think she's responsible and trustworthy. Judging from the way no one trusts anyone in Glenoak, I'd have to say she's got a good point there. Robbie whines some more about how her family wouldn't trust him if he moved to Buffalo. Okay, maybe not, but he's dating Mary, not her family. Ugh, what a freak. I have to snicker when Mary tells him that if they try, they could have the kind of relationship that the CamRents have. Robbie keeps a straight face, though. He launches into some drivel about being responsible for his own life before he can be responsible for Mary's life. That's funny -- I just recently got married, and I don't recall anything in the marriage ceremony about my husband being responsible for me. Maybe if we'd had RevCam perform the ceremony, that lovely sentiment would have been in there. But don't let me distract you from the rest of Robbie's sob story. His mother took no responsibility -- boo hoo. His father was a jerk -- sniff! He may never be able to hold down a stable relationship because of that -- whatever. I'm sure all his issues will be tidily worked out when Alan Thicke performs his stellar turn as Robbie's dad in the episode. Robbie quits whining long enough to ask Mary to help him find Simon. She looks annoyed that he's thinking of someone other than her. I think she had better get used to that.
I pause the tape long enough to freshen up my drink. I know I'm going to need it to watch those madcap Keystone Kamdens on their group stalk. Right now they're all speculating on whether Mary and Robbie will get married. SuperMom doesn't think they will, since they are so young and each has plenty of other things to accomplish before settling down. Huh. I'm a little perplexed at how an intelligent opinion got into this crapfest. It's probably just an anomaly, though.
The CamDorks arrive at Sasha's place, and Dopey gets the honour of performing the actual act of spying on Simon. He gets out of the car and runs up the driveway, totally overdoing the stealth bit. In the car, Annie wants to go on record as saying that she is opposed to "busting in on Simon's date." RevCam tries to tell her that she'll change her mind when she learns all the facts. Lucy backs him up, which upsets SuperMom, who doesn't want to be the only one who doesn't know what's going on. Ruthie claims not to know what's going on either, and she uncutely asks if it has to do with sex. RevCam appears rather upset by it all.
Dopey spies about as well as he does anything else, standing right in front of a well-lit window. Sasha and Simon are sitting on the couch watching a movie, but there are lots of other people in the room with them. Sasha notices the Dopester taking in the scene from the window, and she elbows Simon to point out his brother. Simon jumps up and starts running after Matt, who is bounding down the driveway, yelling at Eric to drive away. Oh wait, he meant with Matt. Hyuk hyuk. Dopey starts running down the street after the CamVan, with Simon in full pursuit. Mary and Robbie drive past the van, and Mary stops to ask Robbie if it was her family. Dopey and Simon run by . Instead of chasing after them all in Mary's car, like normal people would do, Robbie sends Mary home and joins in the macho chase on foot.
Dopey is winded, and the chase doesn't last much longer. Both Robbie and Simon want to know what is going on. Simon guesses correctly that his entire family had been spying on him. I'd feel sorrier for him than I do, but he's proven himself to be pretty cretinous in the busybody department at times. Eric runs over from the opposite direction, turning the trio of losers into a quartet of dumb-asses. I guess he sent the rest of the women home, seeing as how condoms are men's business and all. RevCam demands to know whether the mysterious wallet belongs to Simon. Simon admits that it does. Then RevCam wants to know how Simon got a condom. That's a pretty pathetic question. Condoms aren't exactly a controlled substance, and really, they shouldn't be. Simon won't tell his father where he acquired the evil condom, but Robbie admits to giving it to Simon. We get camera shots of everyone's shocked expressions, almost as if this admission were a big deal or something. Oops, in fucked-up Glenoak, I guess it is. Time for another commercial break so that RevCam can take some deep, soothing breaths.
After the break, all the guys are still standing in the middle of the road. Simon and Robbie are both rushing to take the blame. Robbie sucks up to RevCam by saying that obviously Simon should not be having sex. At least he gave Simon the condom when asked, but I don't recall anyone asking him whether or not Simon should have sex, so maybe he should just shut up. Simon tries to explain that being presented with the possibility of some action made him feel like a man. He adds, "That's what men do, men have sex." Robbie looks over at Dopey, who tries not to look embarrassed. That was pretty damn funny. Simon also explains that when propositioned, he said no. It just about kills RevCam to praise him for that, but he just barely manages it. You can tell he wants to go back to not trusting, though. Sucky Simon picks up some more brownie points for having made Sasha call people over so that he wouldn't be lying to his parents about there being a group of people at Sasha's. Simon whines about how RevCam didn't trust him, then says something about not trusting himself, which I think refers to him asking for the condom in the first place. Dopey pipes up with the assertion that nobody trusted Simon. I hope against hope that Dopey will get hit by a car.
The guys all start walking home, and RevCam reams out Robbie for giving Simon the condom. He says that "there are some things that should be left to the parents." Is this the writers' "subtle" way of implying that kids shouldn't have access to birth control without parental consent? I hope not, because I can think of a million reasons why that's not such a good idea. Dopey asks why Simon didn't come to him for a condom. Simon lies and says it's because RevCam raised Matt. I guess the real reason -- that Dopey is hoping to become the world's oldest virgin -- wouldn't have gone over too well with the censors.
In the CamKitchen, Lucy is telling SuperMom how bad she feels about not trusting Robbie. Mary walks in and passive-aggressifies (tm gwen) that she will be out of their way in a moment. She also explains how Simon actually did get the condom from Robbie. Annie says that she will be having a long talk with Simon when he gets home. Good -- maybe Simon can explain birth control to her. Mary starts to leave, but SuperMom and Lucy ask her to stay and tell them what happened with her and Robbie. Mary confesses that she feels left out of the family, and StuporMom tries to reassure her, even though she admits that she still doesn't trust Mary. Instead of rolling her eyes and leaving, Mary actually validates their stupid prying by asking them what they want to know. Lucy is curious as to why Mary came home so suddenly to talk to Robbie. Mary reveals her "plan," and said she would have just phoned Robbie but she was hoping that in person he would be more easily swayed, especially if she kissed him. This gives SuperMom the opportunity to relay this week's lecture on how women should not use any form of sex to sway men into doing something, since that implies women can't be honest or smart enough to get what they want on their own. Okay, I actually agree with her, though I'm not crazy about some of the things she says to make her point. And I also want to know: What about women using sex to get something from other women? I guess that concept doesn't exist in the Camden universe. Anyway, Annie has to repeat her point a few times before Mary gets it. She concludes with, "We all know when it's right and when it's not right to have sex." Damn straight! So all you people in monogamous, heterosexual relationships should feel free to have sex, as long as you're only doing it to procreate.
Ah, they've been saving the stupidest for last. Since Ruthie's hair had a bigger part in this episode than she did, the little demon urchin gets the not-at-all-contrived honour of calling a radio talk show to deliver this week's PSA: "You can remind everyone that it's never too early to talk to your children about sex. After all, you don't want them picking up information on the streets or from a houseguest or on TV. You want the information to come straight from you, the parents, right?" I think it would have been much funnier if they had put forth this info at the beginning of the show so that people could have just turned off their televisions and had frank discussions of sex with their children. But I guess it's safe to say that the producers won't be asking MBTV for advice anytime soon.