Previously, on The Practice: Oh! Babies! Ellenor announces she is pregnant. Lucy enlists as a rape counselor and finds herself unable to cope when she actually has to help a victim. Rebecca gives her a pep talk. The victim comes on over to The Firm and lets Lucy know that without her help she never would have made it through. Aw. Not. Oh, and the office explodes. Kapow! Mrs. Washington refuses Rebecca a blood transfusion that might save her life. Bobby and Lindsay give birth.
The Hospital of Uncertain Amounts of Pain. A tubed-up Rebecca lies unconscious. Machines bleep. CCH Pounder is right by her side. The Emperor Rod walks in carting Prince Bobby, the Wonderful Baby. Mrs. Washington coos at the sight of him. Okay, for a premature baby, this child is huge. Massive. Larger than any baby I've ever seen in my life. The pair make conversation about how gorgeous the baby is, about how much he's grown, and then Rod walks around the side of the bed with the baby, mumbling, "Hey, Bec? They let me in here with little Bobby." Okay, that child is at least three feet long. Mrs. Washington tells Rod that Rebecca's neurological responses are improving. The swelling in her brain is almost completely subsided. Bobby says gruffly, "Three days." He shakes his head back and forth, because his hands are full with fifty pounds of baby: "Enough is enough." Things beep. Machines flash, but even the forceful insistence of an Emperor can't wake Rebecca from her coma.
Hellenor's. Ellenor is entertaining Ted McGinley. They are looking at some terrible examples of photojournalism. The two make pleasant conversation. So, from the National Geographic rip-offs, we're supposed to discern that Michael, Ellenor's friend, is a photographer. Got it. So, Ted, fresh from an earlier career as a photographer on The Love Boat, is now making an appearance as a photographer here, on The Practice. Now, should we assume DEK's trying to be funny, or is he just lazy? I'm going to go with "lazy and uninventive" rather than "ironic and postmodern." Oh, and don't show me any more of those horrible pictures. Thanks. Ellenor is kind of giddy. It's cute. She looks very pregnant. Over on the table to the fireplace is a folder, which Ellenor picks up and brings back to the couch. "This is what I call an amazing picture!" she exclaims as she brings out a picture of her ultrasound. Oh, cute. I love those ultrasound pictures. Honest. I'm not kidding. The two of them wonder at the amazement of the miracle of birth for an instant. Ellenor's grin splits her face in half. Still staring at the picture, she says, "You helped make that! Can you believe it?" Yeah, Ted's not so impressed; he looks a little sad and concerned. I can't help but think his horrible wife Marcy is waiting outside, ready to throttle him. He puts his portfolio and the picture down: "That's what I came to talk to you about, Ellener." Yes, he says "Ellener." Like he's Jed Clampett or something, chewing on a piece of field grass and farting. He's not sure he can stick to the "deal." Pardon? Man, he wants to help parent the baby. The Symphony of Single Mothers Who Want To Stay That Way salutes Ellenor's anger as she insists they have a signed, sealed and delivered contract. He's a donor, not a father. Well, his lawyer thinks that he can get around the contract. She fumes, "You've been to a lawyer?" Jerk. Twinkle. Twinkle. The piano insists he speak up for a minute: "It's one thing, to -- but to have a baby." She interrupts, "You don't have a baby, Michael. I have a baby. You provided sperm." Major McGinley McJerk doesn't want "her" to grow up without a father. Hey, if he's feeling left out of the whole "parenthood" aspect in his life, he can just go buy a baby from the same place Calista Flockheart did. They seem to overlook the whole "able to feed yourself" aspect of motherhood and just hand you over an infant. Their standards might be forgiving of you, you photographer you.
I would rather be eaten alive by Jaws then have to sit through this theme music.
The Reconstructed Firm. After replacing The Firm with the carbon copy they keep stored in Studio B, things are pretty much back to normal. Someone is pacing: Ellenor. Someone is screaming: Ellenor. And someone is indignant: Lucy. "He changed his mind?" Yup. While doing her best impression of the Emperor by waving her hands around like a flag marshal, Ellenor rants on about their having a contract and Michael having already been to see a lawyer. For once, it's Bobby telling Ellenor to calm down instead of the other way around. Rod asks who "is this guy anyway?" Well, he's a successful photographer, duh, and he's an old friend. Little Lucy quips: "Friends like friends?" It wasn't a romantic relationship. His involvement with the pregnancy is "genetic." They have a signed agreement that terminates all of his rights as a father, but now Michael wants to go to court and have their contract voided. Jimmy "The Lump" Berluti wants to know when the hearing is scheduled. She doesn't know. Jimmy jumps right in to help Ellenor: "Okay. I'll see if I can get his lawyer to come in here before he goes into court." You know, it gets "complicated" once they get a judge involved. Now, here's a question for you: why is it when any member of The Firm starts having a trial of their own, they have no freaking idea about the law or how it works? Huh? Of course Ellenor KNOWS it's complicated. See, there's this thing called a "hearing" -- it's what happens when two people can't get "along." Having been to LAW SCHOOL and everything, you'd think Ellenor would just smack Jimmy upside the head for being so patronizing, but instead, she cries, "I can't believe he's doing this." Her eyes well up with tears: "We have a deal!" At the very instant Ellenor's tears are about to run right down her face and swell into a puddle on the floor, Little Lucy's rape-crisis pager goes off. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
The Hospital, Where People Are In Pain. A much more mature, even composed rape-crisis-center counselor approaches the information desk. She's even wearing a badge. Ha! Not. It's just Little Lucy playing grown-up. She asks for Amanda McGowan. The nurse wants to know who she is. Little Lucy replies that she's from the rape-crisis center, and is pointed down the hall and to the left. In the hospital room, a doctor turns around and, again, wants to know who she is, and again Lucy explains she's from the rape-crisis center. You'd think that someone in that hospital would know that when a woman is raped, they send a representative from the rape-crisis center, just for my sanity so I don't have to keep typing "Who are you" and "rape-crisis counselor." The doctor says he's already done the rape kit, but now he needs to go and talk to the father. Please lord, let it be Shane McGowan from The Pogues, and don't let him drink himself to death until I get there. Thanks. Lucy puts her bags down, starts explaining -- she's, yawn, from the rape-crisis center. As she turns around, the Song of Solemn Sightings falls out of Little Lucy's open mouth. Damn, the victim is just a little girl. Lucy asks, "How old are you?" The little girl holds the blue hospital sheets up around her chin and responds, "Eleven." Oh. The. Drama.