And we're live for a full hour. And such an hour! I admit that Wednesday night, I got more and more insanely jealous of Joe R during the hour-of-NAMBLA public service announcement episode. For exactly 24 hours, until this. Now I'm okay!
So Ryan's wearing a complicated black outfit with a white pocket square. The black makes him look more orange than lighter colors do. He tells us that Carrie Underwood is coming, and for some reason I'm looking forward to seeing her. I'm sure that will last about six seconds, but I was like, "Yeah? Carrie?" I guess when a person spends as much time in your living room as she did -- watching each episode multiple times, no less -- you can't help but be kindly disposed toward her. I hope she is happy forever. And that I don't ever have to listen to her sing again in my entire life, because that is not how I roll.
Avril Lavigne's terrifying body double watches as Ryan tells us there were over 42 million votes this week. That is so many votes! Randy's wearing a lovely candy-striped shirt, Paula's doing some kind of Anna Nicole thing and waving to her own face, and Ryan calls Simon "Mr. Cranky himself." I bet that's what he says in the morning as he's bringing in the tray. "And how is Mr. Cranky this morning? I made you crepes." A little paper flower in the OJ. Fuck Simon Cowell for not being grateful for what he has. What could be better than Ryan Seacrest bringing you crepes and calling you "Mr. Cranky"? Paula's out of it and not talking or looking at anything in particular, and Ryan tells Simon not to "start" tonight. I guess due to the fact that Simon asked him last night to please not molest the contestants. Does that really fall under the heading of "attitude"? Because I would have put it under "I will have your ass," and not in the nice way.
Now the group sings "Love The One You're With," which fits the cynical amount of bullcrap going down in the Top 24. I always thought Bo should have done that the night Carrie won. I think the fans would have appreciated that, and it's in his range and vibe. Quickly now: Melissa still dances like a stripper; Taylor still dances like a scary idiot; Heather still has boobs; Brenna still sings and thinks like a duck; Gedeon is still a strange little thing; Paris still sings directly to the camera with little "vote for me" hands in her eyeballs, folded as though in prayer. Bucky hates to dance because of California, Lisa sings into the camera with her eyes wide and then chases it into the audience. Ayla's the only one who's even trying, vocally, wearing a snappy and sexy red dress and ending her line with a cute little fake smile at the end. She sounds great even though she has to move around a lot more than most of the others, due to the choreography. Then Katharine! Rocks! She riffs over the chorus and does a cute little dance with her legs going every which way and is wonderful. Bucky is in hell. Will is at the front of the group, not really registering, and Kellie's cute some more. Kevin is still here? He looks like he wandered in from a studio tour, as usual. Kinnik is also still here, jumping into frame out of nowhere and wearing a really cute outfit, a newsboy, and huge white sneakers. (Andy: "She's the only one that looks famous. Everybody else looks like I went to high school with them." Jacob: "Your high school was not drag queen-friendly." Andy: "Tell me about it." Okay, I admit that I made most of that conversation up.) Will is a good dancer, actually. David Radford is still here? Then there is Mandisa to wrap things up.
“ I would suggest that the time for this epiphany or moment of introspection or whatever is: once you've reached your destination. Not actually while speeding off the road with a baby on board. The kid's like, 'Do this shit on your own time, Mom. For now, just turn into the skid. Jesus won't mind.' ”
Ryan tells Simon how incredibly charming he is, but I don't think he really means it. Then Carrie Underwood shows up, and Ryan tells us her album has sold over 2 million copies, which is great or whatever. She's lost some weight, but still looks really cute. She's put on some age and a whole lot of sophistication, but that's the point of the show. Take a person just like us, and turn them into something magical that will make people scream when anybody sees them. It's Queen For A Day with a flimsy singing excuse. Every year, it helps to remind yourself of this. Some weeks, it's good to remind yourself once a day. Carrie gives Ryan a bunch of canned answers with her customary mix of not-quite-awkwardness/not-quite-cuteness, and it's clear that she's happy to see him. For the single (which is titled "Don't Forget To Remember Me," which is a clue), Carrie cast her mom in the video, and her mom was nervous even though she's been Carrie's mom forever, and Carrie's cute as she asserts that, if her mom said or did anything "dorky," she would go for a Rent-A-Mom in a second. It's canned but cute, and that is a definition for Carrie as well as any other. The song she's about to sing, which is totally awesome, was on the country charts at #1 for six weeks. Of course it was.
The song is called "Jesus Take The Wheel." Not knowing anything about Carrie Underwood, I very confidently told the moaning millions in my apartment that it would no doubt be a winking, "Sin Wagon," Dixie Chicks kind of Jesus song. Not a song about Jesus literally and figuratively "taking the wheel." ["Oh, Jacob." -- Joe R] I almost immediately apologized for my misconception, and the credibility on the subject of anything that I suddenly lost once the song started. The song is about a woman driving to Cincinnati on Christmas Eve, visiting her parents, with a baby in the back seat. It has been a "long hard year" and she's got a "lot on her mind," and I can only assume, moving forward, that those things are a hefty drug addiction or a reckless sex life. "Before she knew it," the woman -- who has done nothing particularly bad that is explicate in the song -- hits some black ice, and starts spinning out. She sees not only her own life, but the baby's, which I guess didn't take too long, flash before her eyes. She doesn't even have time to cry, she's so scared. What she does have time for, however, is to take her hands off the wheel entirely, and pray. Now, I don't know how to drive, but my understanding is that you steer into the skid, so that you can get traction underneath you. I don't remember throwing your hands in the air and asking Jesus for an assist being an option.
But this lady does, because she "just can't do this all" on her own, and she asks for "one more chance" from Jesus, and also that she be saved from "this road that [she's] on." I get the metaphor, and it's helpful and I think a good one -- when things are going to shit, "hold on and trust God" isn't advice that I would make all that much fun of, because sometimes you don't have options, and it couldn't possibly hurt, not to mention that it might bring you the peace necessary to make the right decision about what to do . However. I would suggest that the time for this epiphany or moment of introspection or whatever is: once you've reached your destination. Not actually while speeding off the road with a baby on board. The kid's like, "Do this shit on your own time, Mom. For now, just turn into the skid. Jesus won't mind." The metaphor breaks down somewhat, is what I'm saying. Maybe it's the sheer amount of detail, the "Cincinnati" and "Christmas Eve" and constant temperature updates, that does it. Carrie is operating on the metaphorical level only, with her eyes shut tight. So in the second verse, it is "still getting colder" in the split second as Jesus -- apparently, since she's opted out -- gets her safely to the shoulder. She sees the baby in the backseat, and the kid's fine, so she breaks into tears and prays some more. She apologizes to Jesus "for the way [she's] been living [her] life," which we don't actually know anything about, because she was just going to see her parents, that's all she was trying to do, and I don't know why that would be a problem. Maybe -- and I can't say this for sure, because the song doesn't really give us enough background to determine whether or not this is true -- maybe the problem is that she is a single parent. That's all I've got.