Even before the episode begins, we're subjected to a major lapse in reality. Why is the promo voice-over guy saying, "The Camdens' houseguest has an eye for Lucy"? That's not what happens. My guess is that, once again, the promo people must have fallen asleep while trying to get through watching the show, so they made up something about whatever scene happened to be on when they woke up. What woke them up was probably when Annie is yelling shrilly at Eric while waving a banana in his face. Ooh, I can't wait to see how they handle a powerful confrontation like that! Let's find out, shall we?
We get an establishing shot of the Camdens' swanky billion-dollar home before we launch into a cozy little scene where The Amazing Robbie has been making breakfast for various Camden family members. When Annie walks in, he offers to perform this service for her as well. She refuses with a nasty look on her face, as though Robbie had just offered to kick her in the spleen instead. Aw, man, I just know this is going to be a very, very long episode. Robbie says that Matt called while Annie was in the shower and then asks what the Dopester likes to eat. Annie just rolls her eyes rudely, which makes me wonder if Catherine Hicks is reading Mary's stage directions by mistake. Ruthie helpfully points out that Matt eats "anything that's not nailed down." Robbie fake-laughs ostentatiously, then says he can baby-sit until Dopey arrives. Annie tersely refuses this offer also as she walks out of the kitchen. Robbie tries to tell Ruthie how "special" she is. I wish I'd followed through on my plan to send the writers a dictionary for Christmas, because obviously the words they're looking for here are "really" and "fucking" and "annoying."
SuperMom accosts RevCam as soon as he gets out of the shower to ask him who she could get to baby-sit if he were not available. Eric takes the time to humour her by actually responding to this stupid query. Prompted by Annie, he runs through the list of eligible family members until he names them all. When Annie prompts him again, he tentatively suggests Robbie, which causes SuperMom to freak out. In yet another lame comedic misfire, she waves a banana at him menacingly and yells something about Robbie being just a boarder, not a family member. RevCam condescendingly asks her if her anger has to do with her being worried about her father. He tells her that she should fly to Arizona to see him. Hmm, wasn't Grandpa's Alzheimer's disease diagnosed over a year ago? Why would Annie suddenly be all concerned about him now, when she's barely mentioned him all year? Oh well, screw logic. You know how flighty bitches can be -- we're reminded of that in practically every episode. The CamRents argue about Robbie, with Annie insisting that if Mary finds out about Robbie living in the CamPound, "there will be hell to pay." She adds, "That's right, I said it. Hell!" Good heavens, Annie, do you sing hymns with that mouth? I think it would be really funny if some of the more uptight viewers were offended and started a really spirited crusade against this show.
After an establishing shot of the Swingin' Bachelor Pad, some tedious, melody-free music plays while Dopey gathers up dirty laundry and throws it into a bag. Even if this were a good show, a scene like this would make me want to change the channel. After about twelve decades of this crap, the phone rings. It's Mary, in the first of far too many appearances this episode. At least she'll be on the phone in every single one of them, which probably has her co-workers overjoyed. Seeing as how all these fake-o phone conversations must be put together in post-production, nobody will actually have to interact with Mary in any way. That's probably the only reason Barry Watson can keep a straight face while delivering lines about loving and missing Mary. He also says that it "would have been nice" if she'd come home for Christmas. He keeps a straight face during that one too. Amazing! The point of Mary's call is that she thinks Lucy is dating Robbie. Somehow she comes up with the asinine idea that the whole family knows that "Lucy is in love with Robbie," and so they were all involved in sending her away to enable Lucy and Robbie's relationship. Maybe she's having severe detox symptoms from that half a beer she drank many months ago, and she'll start seeing insects climbing up the walls. All I know is that this scene can't end fast enough for me. Mary pleads for Dopey's help, but he says there's nothing he can do about the situation while Robbie is living at the CamPound. Mary hangs up on him, but the scene still doesn't end. Nope, not when they can bring in John to annoy us further.
He's anxious for the Dopester to be at the Bachelor Pad when he meets Priscilla's parents for the first time. Why he would think meeting Dopey could possibly impress Priscilla's parents is a mystery of gigantic proportions. Dopey cracks me up by claiming that his family needs him. By this, I think he means that he's got a hankering to meddle in everyone else's business for a while. John expresses his sadness that Matt won't support him in his plan to marry Priscilla. Dopey just whines judgmentally about how he disapproves of the situation. My, what a lovely message that sends about friendship! Maybe it will inspire me to sit down and make a list of all the things that I think my friends should change about the way they are living their lives. Come on, you can do it too! Remember, no detail is too petty or personal to be exempt from your scrutiny. Feel free to weigh in on everything, especially if it is an issue that has no effect on you whatsoever. Then call up each soon-to-be-ex-friend and favour him or her with your unsolicited opinion of how to handle things. After each and every one of them has told you to go to hell and slammed down the phone on your ass, go down to the police station and see if you can get the cops to share personal info about people you know. They might even want to gossip about whether drivers stopped for traffic violations were driving under the influence of alcohol. It doesn't matter if the cops didn't give the suspects a breathalyzer test; I'm sure they'd be pleased to speculate with you now, after the fact.
If you're still feeling self-righteous after that, don't forget to make a stop at your local car dealership. Maybe one of your ex-friends is having trouble making his or her car payments. If you ask real nice, the dealership might let you take possession of the car in question. Oh, but I guess this stuff only works if you live in Glenoak. Everywhere else, people would just think you were an asshole or -- at the very least -- highly delusional. Anyway, John is pissed at Matt for being so unsupportive. He annoyingly tries out a little reverse psychology: telling Dopey not to come to the parental meeting, then waiting for Dopey to beg for an invitation. The Dopester doesn't pick up on this cue; he just lets his jaw go all slack while he stares back at John.
At the CamPound, Ruthie answers a ringing phone to find Mary on the other end. In an unusual display of intelligence, Mary guesses that Ruthie will probably hang up on her, so she begs her not to. Actually, she bribes her to get "information" about Lucy's alleged romance with Robbie. Ruthie sets her straight, then starts extolling Robbie's virtues, all of which are physical. If you didn't catch this episode when it aired, be grateful, because at least you won't have the memory of Ruthie's voice describing how Robbie looks without his shirt on. She repeats that Lucy and Robbie are not an item, then hangs up on Mary. Robbie walks in, and Ruthie says, "You'd tell me if you were dating Lucy, wouldn't you?" Robbie says he would. Ruthie switches gears and asks him if his teeth are real. He's not overly fazed by her bizarre questions.
Ruthie decides to spread the irritation. She visits Lucy and asks if she's dating Robbie. Lucy replies that she would never date Robbie. She wants to know why Ruthie is asking this, but Ruthie doesn't answer. We learn that Lucy is putting on make-up in the hopes of attracting guys. At least she's honest. Ruthie skips out of the room. Do kids actually skip out of rooms? Maybe just the ones who have no friends.
Dopey walks in the front door with his big bag. Annie's pretty underwhelmed. Matt claims he has to move back home "to protect the women." Annie gets to deliver a good line for a change when she says, "Congratulations -- that is the most ridiculous excuse you've used yet." Word, Annie. Matt is upset about the alleged romance between Lucy and Robbie. Annie says there is no romance. She wants to know if Dopey has told Mary about Robbie living at the CamPound. He evades the question by saying something about Mary having already hung up the phone when he told her about Robbie's living situation. Then Mr. Roper finds the broken lamp under the sofa, which leads him to suspect that Janet is having an affair with Jack, even though Chrissy had actually been hiding the lamp from her boss because it was a gift for his wife's cousin. See, it's all pretty complicated, yet pointless and uninteresting at the same time.
What it boils down to is that throughout the episode, Annie is going to keep alleging that Mary is upset because Robbie is living at the CamPound. She is wrong, and everyone else knows it, and even tells her so, but she's going to keep saying it anyway because…well, I'm not really sure why. To fill up air time, I guess. Matt is going to keep thinking that Lucy is dating Robbie. That's because Matt is stupid and doesn't have a life. As a plot, it's wafer-thin, but if you have even a nodding acquaintance with this show, that shouldn't come as any great surprise. Personally, I think they should ease up occasionally on the "wacky misunderstanding" bit. But then, I'm not expecting a job offer from the 7th Heaven producers any time in the near future. So Annie is anxious to prove to Matt that Lucy and Robbie are not dating, and for some inexplicable reason, she thinks this can be done by asking Ruthie about it. Ruthie confirms that Lucy and Robbie are not a couple. I had no idea that Ruthie was considered omniscient. I mean, I probably wouldn't even rely on her to look out the window and tell me whether or not it's raining outside. But that's just me. Ruthie leaves to spread her wisdom to others in need. I assume she's skipping, but I can't confirm that. Dopey tries to sell his moving back to the CamPound as a good thing, but Annie shoots him down, saying that John really needs him right now. How the hell did she know John was meeting Priscilla's parents tonight? Doesn't anyone ever get any privacy around here? I should know better by now than to ask stupid questions like that, but sometimes I get so mad that I just can't help it.
In the kitchen, Eric is staring intently at a cordless phone. SuperMom asks him if he's expecting a call from Mary. He is, but he's also hoping that someone will call to offer Robbie a job. Apparently, he's been using his influence to try to get people to hire The Amazing Robbie, and now he seems disappointed that no one is calling back immediately. He warns Annie that it may be a few weeks before Robbie has enough money to move out. She says she can live with that, but if her behaviour this episode is anything to judge by, well, then she's telling a bald-faced lie. I guess that's okay, though, because she can't help her violent mood swings. You see, we women are just flighty that way, you know? Yup, every last one of us. Unfortunately, not all of us have the steadying influence of RevCam's wise and manly guidance to help us out.
Robbie can't possibly be looking for a job, because every time we see him, he's performing some domestic task at the CamPound. This time, he's playing with the twins when Simon walks into the room. Robbie asks him for financial advice. I spit mineral water all over my keyboard, and just narrowly escape shorting out my computer. Writers, please, when you tell actual good jokes, you need to give them a bit of a set-up so I won't be taken by surprise like that! At first Simon thinks Robbie's making fun of him, which totally cracks me up again. But when he realizes that Robbie is serious, he's overjoyed, because no one else takes him seriously. Duh. Is that all it took to win Simon over? Apparently so. Simon asks Robbie what he needs. Dopey, who has been eavesdropping creepily from the doorway, says that Robbie "needs to stop dating Lucy." Robbie insists that he's not dating Lucy.
RevCam can't miss an opportunity to stick his nose in everyone's business, so he walks into the room also. Then Ruthie comes in and reiterates that Lucy and Robbie aren't dating. Okay, who are we missing? That's right -- Lucy. Oh, here she comes, and she says she's not dating Robbie. How tiresome. RevCam says that someone must call Mary to straighten this out, even though the viewers already know that there is nothing to straighten out. I mean, this episode could easily end now, and we're not even fourteen minutes into it. Robbie and Dopey get into a brief pissing match over who will call Mary, but Simon's in his "man of the house" mode and says that he will call. Ruthie insists it's all sorted out, so everyone but Robbie leaves. It turns out they're all running away from Annie, who comes into the room and asks where everyone is going. Robbie says they're all going to call Mary. SuperMom takes the twins away, shooting Robbie a nasty look as she leaves. Robbie alters his facial expression slightly, but I'm not sure what emotion he's trying to convey.
we see shots of various family members picking up telephone extensions and dialing numbers without even listening to the receiver first to make sure there's a dial tone. That's about as likely as Ruthie skipping through the house, but I guess reality has to take a back seat when you've got comic hijinks like these to play out. RevCam yells at them all to get off the phone because he has to make an emergency call. Then he hangs up the phone. Oh, the hilarity! The phone rings immediately, and RevCam hesitates but does end up answering. He's greeted by silence, which he attributes to Mary rather than the heavy-breathing obscene caller I was hoping for. It turns out that it is Mary, and she remains silent, even though he asks her politely to talk to him. SuperMom walks in to witness the humiliation as Mary hangs up on him. Annie's displaying her nutjob tendencies again as she attributes Mary's anger to the fact that Robbie is living at the CamPound. Fuck! Just give it up already! A character's refusal to understand such an elementary concept does not a plot make, all right? Aaurgghh! Annie leaves, and RevCam goes back to staring at the telephone.
I perk up a bit during the commercial break, but unfortunately the show returns.
We see an establishing shot of something that turns out to be Heather's apartment. She's there with her boyfriend, and they're listening to Dopey rant about how John won't arrange his love life in accordance with Dopey's opinions. Heather's boyfriend pipes up with the reasonable opinion that "sometimes it's best to just stay away and let things resolve themselves." Matt claims he's tried that tactic, and it didn't work. Whatever, loserboy. Then he switches over to attacking Robbie for a while, and winds down with the assertion that the only place he feels comfortable is here in Heather's apartment. Only he has to ask the boyfriend what his name is. Okay, as a joke, that's not bad, especially when Matt restates how comfortable he is here and asks if he can go into the kitchen and eat Heather's food. She and the boyfriend, Thomas, call Dopey "needy" behind his back. Heather has an awful lot of dried flowers in her living room.
Lucy walks into her room to see Ruthie "borrowing" some of her make-up. The sisters share a stupid, annoying heart-to-heart about the fact that Ruthie says she is in love. She won't name the object of her affections, but we all know it's Robbie.
John is nervously preparing for the arrival of Priscilla's parents, while she tries to calm him down. He's still unaccountably disappointed by the fact that Matt's not around. Priscilla tells him to go find the Dopester, since it's obvious John won't be comfortable without him. That's a little weird. Will Dopey be joining them on their honeymoon, and wherever they end up living, too?
Time for more phone fun. Robbie calls Mary in Buffalo. You can see snow falling outside the Colonel's house. Mary harshes all over Robbie for going out with Lucy. Wait -- I thought we'd cleared this whole stupid mess up, but evidently Mary has as much of a short-term memory problem as the rest of her family does. All right, I'll play along. Mary hangs up on Robbie. At first he looks confused. Yeah, Robbie, that's when happens when someone is sick of you and doesn't want to talk to you anymore. Like, I'm sure you've never been hung up on before. The camera pulls back, and we see that RevCam is sitting to Robbie. Yuck, that's a little creepy. Eric tells Robbie to call Mary back. I love how they're always complaining about money problems but then everyone's totally frivolous about long-distance calling. So Robbie phones Mary and tries to explain about RevCam taking him in off the street. She doesn't believe him. He motions Eric to come and listen in. Ew, this has gone past "a little" creepy. Mary hangs up on Robbie, and he tells RevCam that he tried. Eric tells him to try again. He does, and this time Mary believes him. But I'll bet that after the commercial break, she'll have forgotten this conversation already and will go back to asking about Lucy and Robbie's romance. Annie walks by and sees Eric listening in. She leaves in disgust. It's pretty funny.
Eric follows her into the bedroom and tries to suck up by asking if she needs help folding laundry. She rants about the way someone else -- Robbie, I assume -- already folded it, but not to her exacting standards. Cry me a river, babe. She asks him, "Who were you and your little friend talking to on the phone?" Heh, way to put RevCam in his place. He admits that Robbie was talking to Mary and that he was listening in because he just wanted to hear Mary's voice. Annie disgustedly replies that she would like to hear Mary's voice also. Eric suggests that Robbie might let her listen in too. Ha! I think that makes three intentional jokes they've made this episode which I actually found funny. That must be some kind of a record! Just when I was in danger of liking her slightly, Annie makes some self-righteous comment about not needing Robbie to get her daughter on the phone. She stalks off with her laundry basket; RevCam follows. SuperMom complains about the way Robbie folded her laundry, and I become thoroughly repulsed again.
Annie stomps off into another room and slams the door, leaving RevCam free to hurry back to Robbie. Unfortunately, Robbie is just getting off the phone, so Eric can't get off on listening to the conversation. Robbie thinks that Mary will call Eric soon. Right on cue, the phone rings, but it's John instead. He asks for Mrs. Camden. RevCam asks him if he's looking for Matt, to which John replies, "Yeah, is he there?" Huh? Didn't he just ask for Annie a few seconds ago? But John actually wants to talk to Dopey. Maybe I'll spice up my life by trying that the time I'm calling one of my friends. Oh wait, I forgot -- by the time I'm done laying down some Dopey-style judgment and advice on everyone I know, I won't have any friends left. RevCam rudely cuts off John in mid-sentence and hangs up on him.
Simon asks SuperMom if he can go out for pizza with The Amazing Robbie. Annie says Robbie's too old for him to hang out with. Simon argues that if Mary were here, he'd be allowed to hang out with her. I'm sure it's purely a hypothetical argument that anyone would want to hang with Mary. Annie counters with the fact that Robbie is not Simon's sibling, to which Simon replies that Annie's prohibition was based on the fact that Robbie is older than him, not on the fact that he's not a relative. Faced with logic like that, Annie obviously doesn't want to talk to him anymore, and she grants permission just so he will leave her alone.
Simon and Eric meet in the hallway and start discussing Annie. RevCam throws down his theory that Annie is worried about her father. Oh, that's right -- I'd forgotten about that plot contrivance. You have to admit, there are so many others to distract me. Robbie joins the fun as Eric tells the boys that they have to keep helping out around the house. Then they all swagger off in a very manly fashion.
Ruthie sneaks into Robbie's room and leaves a pink piece of paper on his bed. It's addressed to Robbie, and there is a heart dotting the "I." Gross.
Hey, speaking of gross, Dopey's still hanging out with Heather and Thomas. They're all watching football on TV while Dopey snarfles down all of Heather's food. He's doing that hyperactive thing he always does to convey that he's stressed. I wonder if Uncle Hank could prescribe him some Ritalin. There you go, writers -- that sounds like a perfect Disease of the Week episode for May sweeps. Consider it my gift to you. There's a knock at the door; it's John. I'm not sure why he would give Matt the time of day after the way Matt's been treating him. But John must be a masochist, because he starts begging Dopey to come meet Priscilla's parents. Dopey uses this opportunity to express his displeasure some more over the fact that John is doing something Matt doesn't want him to. Thomas interrupts their charmless argument to ask if it's Priscilla Carter they're talking about. He claims that she's the sole heir to the Carter Mills sheet fortune and that "everyone sleeps on Carter." He says that's their slogan, but I think it's a pretty lame one.
This news is enough to make Dopey change his tune. He says he's all gung-ho not because Priscilla is rich but because there may be other things they don't know about Priscilla. That makes no sense whatsoever. Wasn't his disapproval based on the fact that John didn't know Priscilla very well? And now he's all excited that John doesn't know Priscilla very well? Ah, fuck it, I've stopped caring. John and Dopey leave. We find out that Thomas made up the whole Carter Mills story to get rid of them. I can't believe there's been another truly funny joke on this show.
There's a commercial about some national critics' list of great programming. Guess what: 7th Heaven ain't on it.
After an establishing shot of even more snow falling in Buffalo, we see Mary and Lucy racking up someone's phone bill while discussing how Robbie's arrival at Casa Camden has crushed Dopey's fragile male ego. The only gossip about Simon is that he's been walking around the house "without his shirt on, just like Robbie." Just then, Dopey walks in, shirtless. She puts the phone down to tell him she doesn't like "guys without shirts." Simon walks in, also shirtless. Lucy freaks on them and starts explaining that Robbie only walks around shirtless around shower time. He must be very clean. Actually, I don't understand why Robbie can't wear a T-shirt to and from the shower, but I don't have as much interest in the matter as Lucy evidently does. She stalks off, and the guys admit that they are a little cold. I suppose I could describe Dopey's and Simon's chests for you, but I can't be bothered to walk toward the TV to get a closer look. I do think this episode should have been called "Shower" rather than "Home."
Lucy gives SuperMom a pep talk about how she's sure Mary will call soon. Annie tries to hassle her about that stupid "Mary's mad about Robbie living here" crap, but I'm just going to pretend that I didn't hear that. Robbie comes in and says that he "took the liberty of cooking the pasta." Annie manages to thank him, though from the expression on her face, you'd think he had just taken a dump in her shoe. He says he's prepared some artichokes and a dipping sauce, and she just barely manages to remain civil. Man, what a bastard. I'd hate it if someone prepared artichokes for me! Especially if there was dipping sauce too. Robbie and Simon leave. Dopey starts to leave too. SuperMom tells him to behave himself. How coy. How annoying.
Ruthie comes in, upset that no one told her Robbie and Simon were going out to dinner. Lucy asks her why she would care, to which Ruthie replies, "You know why, unless you're just stupid." Ha! I believe that's funny joke number five for this episode. Oh wait, I'm not sure it was intentionally funny, so I'm afraid I can't allow it into the tally. Ruthie runs off. Lucy offers to talk to Ruthie, but Annie waves her off. Ruthie doesn't want to talk to her mother, though; she wants to talk to Lucy. Annie says she will get Lucy, but instead she uses this opportunity to stage a full-scale pity party for herself in front of RevCam, who has appeared in the hallway. SuperMom is upset because she thinks she isn't needed. She blames Robbie. Oh, and Ginger, her stepmother. RevCam apologizes for asking Robbie and the others to help out around the house. See, this is supposed to be funny, I guess, because Annie's a woman and she's totally illogical and has wild mood swings. Because she's a woman, that is. Har har! Do you get it? Because she's a woman and all? Anyway, I won't dignify the rest of this scene with a description. Let's just say it blows and leave it at that, okay?
The scene isn't much better. Ruthie has confessed her "love" for Robbie. It's nice to see how gently Lucy treats her, trying not to insult Ruthie's dignity. Unfortunately, it's a little too late for that, since the writers give Ruthie all these puerile lines about how she's sure Robbie loves her back, blah blah. Lucy talks Ruthie into giving up Robbie because Mary loves him.
The CamRents are continuing their stupid argument. Annie can't understand why her father won't let her do more for him. Eric says that maybe he doesn't want to be a burden on her. She disses Robbie some more. Finally, amidst all this bullshit, Annie comes up with an actual good theory, which is that Robbie is trying to please RevCam so that Eric will allow him to date Mary. She also suggests that Eric is trying to please Robbie so that Mary will like Eric again. RevCam downplays her theories, claiming that he really likes Robbie, especially during those times when Robbie's on his way to or from the shower. Annie says that makes her "crazy," because RevCam's not supposed to like anyone his spouse doesn't like. See, she's a wackjob! The playful music backs that up, as Annie departs and RevCam sighs comically at her insanity.
Down at the pizza place, Robbie is regaling Simon with an exceedingly dull story about being hired "on the spot" at a day care because he listed the CamRents as references. Sorry, that joke doesn't count. I'm sure it's entirely unintentional. We find out that Robbie is majoring in Early Childhood Education, just like Annie! How very exciting! Robbie mentions buying airline tickets, but Simon seems to be trying to talk him out of it by pointing out how expensive it is to fly so far "for one day." Ooh, the suspense, the suspense!
Dopey shows up at the Swingin' Bachelor Pad to find John all dejected because Priscilla's parents allegedly hate him. Dopey doesn't say "I told you so," but he does give a very insincere apology that amounts to the same sentiment. John says Priscilla's father has cut off all Priscilla's financial resources because he does not want his daughter marrying John. This has something to do with John making a comment about everyone sleeping "on Carter." Priscilla arrives at the Pad -- with luggage. Her father asked her to move back home, but she refused, so now she has nowhere to live but with John. Like, I'm sure there aren't any other apartments available in Glenoak. John makes sure to stress that neither he nor Priscilla believes in "premarital cohabitation." But obviously he has no problem with a stupid, convoluted plot that must exist only so that Dopey will have to move back to the Camden homestead for a while. John also has no problem with guilting Matt into leaving, even though none of this is Matt's fault.
In the CamKitchen, Robbie tells RevCam and SuperMom that he found a job. He also says that he used his savings to buy airline tickets for Annie and the twins to visit Annie's dad. He tells them to go for a day. I'm not sure why they can't go for a few weeks, seeing as how Annie's not needed anymore. I'm also a little perplexed by the way Robbie is calling Annie's father "Grandpa." Well, Annie's been successfully bought and paid for now. She accepts the tickets and even hugs Robbie. He leaves.
The phone rings, and in less than two seconds, Simon answers it, finds out who it is for, and comes down to the landing of the stairs to tell RevCam that Mary wants to speak to him. She thanks Eric for taking Robbie in and for "everything." He asks her if she's thinking of coming home, but she says she's not ready. I wouldn't be surprised if she comes back soon, though. Frankly, I'm not sure Jessica Biel would have much of a career without this show. At least Mary finally admits that she's been selfish. I'm actually slightly moved by this scene, surprisingly.
The scene is stupid as hell, though, with Robbie finding Ruthie's card, which turns out to have a message inside: "I love you." Robbie asks her if she wrote the card. Ruthie tries to lay the blame on Lucy. Yeah, that's believable. So is the idea that Lucy would walk into the room at that exact moment, even though she has nothing in particular to say. Ruthie runs off, and Robbie asks Lucy about the card. Oh goody, it's another of those hilarious comic misunderstandings! But it's all cleared up quickly when Lucy says she didn't give him the card. She runs off too, leaving Robbie staring, bewildered, at the card. Maybe he thinks it's from RevCam. I could see Eric dotting his "I"s with little hearts.
Dopey returns to the CamPound. Eric and Annie are so thrilled about having talked to Mary that they just smile benevolently at him as they walk upstairs, holding hands. The idea comes into my head that they're going upstairs to have sex -- the CamRents, that is. But after half an hour or so of banging my head against a table, I'm able to rid myself of that vile thought.
The phone rings. Damn, I thought we'd seen the last of Mary for this episode. And I was hoping we'd heard the last of Dopey's dumb-ass theory that Lucy and Robbie are dating. But no, he trucks it out again. Mary gets him to admit that he got kicked out of his apartment by John. No one mentions the word "illegal," because Glenoak has no laws -- or at least none that interfere with any random whim of the writers. Mary also gets Dopey to admit that he's upset about Robbie living in the house. I suspect this whole conversation exists solely to set up the fact that most of the shows in coming weeks will deal with the conflict between Robbie and Dopey. Can't wait! It's still snowing in Buffalo. Mary asks to speak to Robbie, but Dopey just hangs up the phone on her.
A shirtless Robbie comes downstairs and informs Dopey that "the shower's free." Damn, if that isn't one of the funniest things anyone's ever said on this show. Matt just walked in the door. Why would Robbie think he wants to hit the shower right away? The phone rings, and Dopey hands it over to Robbie. We don't see her again in this scene, but of course it's Mary on the phone. Robbie tells her he's so happy that Matt is moving back home where, of course, he'll be availing himself of the shower. Just as Robbie adds, "It's like one big, happy family -- I love this place," Simon walks over to the refrigerator in the background. He's shirtless. Robbie may think it feels like a big, happy family, but I'm reminded more of that controversial Calvin Klein ad from a few years back, the one with the gay-porn look to it, where the raspy-voiced guy off-camera talks about ripping off some teen boy's shirt. But a show as wholesome as 7th Heaven couldn't possibly be drawing on that. Could they? Maybe it's just an homage to Jessica Biel's Gear photos.
Be sure to tune in week for the big one-hundredth-episode bash. Don't let the fact that Mary's coming back dissuade you. Five bucks says it will end with a long montage of old clips in slo-mo, set to some of the crappiest music ever written.