Whew! Raelle Tucker never disappoints.
Okay, so Steve Newlin is "the new Nan Flanagan," which makes sense because she wouldn't have been the one to turn him, but he's the best Authority tool imaginable. Meloni's Guardian and Salome are a double act, but he seems to believe in assimilation of vampire and human in a way she doesn't, so she ends up coming off kind of like the Mary Magdalene to his Vampire Christ Superstar. In the end, she tries seducing both Eric and Bill -- only manages Bill, fuckwise -- and in the end Tina Majorino outfits both boys with these complicated Jigsaw Killer deathtrap S&M halters that act like vamp alky anklets, and send them back to their lives. Sadly, Nora was a "Sanguinista," so I was even more wrong about her than I thought last week, but also kinda more right than I knew.
Sookie gets into a violent faerie/vamp fight with Pam about tracking down Tara, but -- after a brief moment of nearly killing some girl but then seeing her reflection, you know, LIKE VAMPIRES CAN -- she's run to Sam. Which makes sense in retrospect, considering he's the only person more boring than her. She chills literally in his walk-in freezer, dreams about killing Arlene like we all have, and eventually wakes up to a big fight between Sook, Lafayette, Sam and Alcide. Whom, to her credit, Sookie tells about Debbie almost immediately.
But like everybody else in this episode, he calls her an asshole. It's kind of a theme throughout the episode and maybe season, where the writers jerk us off by saying that they get that Sookie never takes accountability for anything. It's not the worst example, but it is a constant drumbeat: Sookie is the angel of death, everybody cleans up her messes, blah blah blah. Which I guess is validating for those of us who think watching TV is a fight with TV, but kind of repetitive for the rest of us. P.S., TV shows: Stop trying to impress Twitter. It makes you look like a desperate underclassman.
Like, for example, the ludicrous situation Jason gets himself into, where apparently he got LeTourneau'd back in high school, and is now suddenly suffering through the retcon sexual abuse of that, even sleeping with the teacher that molested him, which comes off as an ill-advised apology for the silly "women raping men is the same thing as men raping people" brouhaha from last year. Because nothing solves pretend slut-shaming by panther gang-rape quite like blaming somebody's promiscuity on their childhood molestation, I guess. The whole thing is just so stupid and not real life, at all, but try explaining that to a faux-feminist who thinks men and women have interchangeable experiences. It won't end well. Unless you're part of the "rape is rape" crowd, and then probably you're in heaven having learned one more way Jason was supposedly raped, and how that explains and simplifies everything.
Anyway, after seeing and smelling her first pureblood faerie, a horny Jessica shows up at his house and chills immediately so she can nurse him back to health after this sudden trigger warning his life has stupidly become, and that's nice. She is shaping up to be a better Queen Regent than Bill ever has. I just hate that the whole storyline seems to be written directly in response to fans bitching about the show, rather than the actual show.
Andy's naked ass on Facebook leads to a heightened intimacy with Holly, while Terry and Patrick leave on their road trip to find that guy. Lafayette loses his shit in a way unrelated to Tara's million problems, because it turns out Jesus's demon is still very much inside him, so he now has to contend with the possibility of turning into a mass murderer at any old time.
Pam worries sweetly about Hoyt, who is becoming a total goth fangbanger, before indulging in an extended flashback: The vampires that were ripping up 1905 were, as expected, Lorena and Bill. Eric interrupted their last indiscretion in her whorehouse, fucked her kindly, and ended up with Pam obsessively committing suicide to make him Turn her into a vampire so they could always be together. All very empowering.
Meanwhile, Tara makes her way down Main Street to a local salon, where she locks herself in a tanning booth and finally awakens Pam's Maker sensibilities, in the most Pam way possible: She looks up from her paperwork and grits, "You stupid bitch."
Week: So much faerie stuff, with the most unexpected people; Lafayette's demon gets a lot more specific about murder; everybody shits on Sookie twice as much as this week; the Pelts get a better answer than they were looking for.
PREVIOUSLY
The investigation into Debbie Pelt's death continues to be second on Sookie's list of problems, with Tara's new incarnation at the top and Russell Edgington's return a distant third. The Authority's investigation into Sanguinista Fundamentalism nearly cost the boys their lives, until they determined to bring in the former King of Mississippi as their last heroic act (closing the final loops on Sookie's faerie secret in the process). Jessica and Jason, for various reasons, are in relationship limbo while Hoyt is losing his shit. Pam's origin story continues to unfold in Eric's absence, Terry and Patrick are on the hunt for their former squadmate, and Vampire Tara is on the loose.
TARA
For a moment it's so wonderful: Like what life is like when you do V, only imagine that your whole self is V. The beauty of the world, the fucking-in-garbage of it, the million more stars she can see. There's a possum, that reminds me of the possum that drowned that time -- way back when demons were things you thought you could get rid of. She comes upon a pretty lady who has just broken a nail because she doesn't know how to fix a tire. You know, because of how women.
Chick: "Hey! Sister, can you give me some help? You seem kinda butch, probably because your boyfriend died and you got raped a million times and became a street-fighting lesbian. Change my tire?"
Tara: "Am I even gay anymore? Was I ever? Perhaps these questions are moot. I am going to suck your blood!"
Chick: "Even though I am politically sympathetic?"
Tara: "Your liberal guilt is a trap that has ensnared you! Feast on my minority entitlement!"
Tara: "Never mind, actually. I just caught my reflection in your car window and I'm not sure so about sucking your blood anymore. I thought I was going to, but then I looked at my life and my choices, so I guess I apologize."
Chick: "Hold up. Vampires can see their reflections now?"
Tara: "Maybe just symbolically. Later! I hope my vicious attack on you doesn't change your political stance on my oppression!"
Chick: "I am going to have to think about that! After I somehow get home and change out of the pants I just shit."
AUTHORITY
Chancellor/Torturer Dieter: "My stance is that King Russell being alive is just as good a reason to kill Bill and Eric!"
Chancellor Candyman: "My stance is that their proposal has merit!"
Chancellor Little Boy: "They are apostates, possibly! It gets iffy because we're orthodox, but not fundamentalist! Which frankly is asking a lot of the audience!"
Chancellors Salome & Candyman: "Eh, fuck it. Let 'em try. Worst case, they all kill each other. Three birds, one PR disaster."
Chancellor Barb: "I think you're in love with either Bill or Eric. Or both. Let's test that theory by killing them with this app on my iPhone..."
Nora: "Hold up! I confess! I believe vampires were made in God's image! I believe that mainstreaming is an abomination! And I believe that Lilith will rise from the Blood and rip your blasphemous fucking heads off and dance in your muck!"
So I was very wrong about Nora, I guess is what you're saying. That's pretty awesome. They sold her so hard in that first episode I thought I was smarter than the show, and there's nothing I like more than being wrong about things like that. Well done. Well done, Nora. I'm sorry I wasted all our time together calling you a Mary Sue. Tell Godric hey.
JASON
Jessica, still vibrating: "Shit just got crazy!"
Jason: "Me too. It was gross."
Jessica: "There was this guy, and I could smell his blood -- I'm sorry, I know that grosses you out -- but it smelled like cotton candy and fresh baked bread and fucking sex! The most delicious thing I've ever smelled in my life!"
Jason: "I don't understand why you're telling me this."
Jessica: "Because you maybe smell that way a little bit, so now I want to fuck!"
Jason: "That's remarkably unlucky. I just swore off sex."
Jessica: "Okay, then let's just hang out. I'm willing to let your entire gross two-year sex storyline be about us not consummating our relationship anymore."
Jason: "Still, I am conflicted about that. I'm not sure I know how to be friends with girls."
Jessica: "Then let me do the heavy lifting for a while, and you can just chill."
Jason: "You really are the best person on this entire show, aren't you?"
THE WALK-IN FREEZER
Arlene: "Hello, is anybody in here?"
Tara: "Just me, eating your horrible ass so we never have to deal with you again!"
BUT IT WAS JUST A DREAM. A WONDERFUL DREAM.
Lafayette: "Hooker, drink this Tru Blood. Also, good morning."
Tara: "I don't want your Tru Blood! I am still very mad at you!"
Alcide: "Sookie, it seems more and more like you killed Debbie Pelt."
Sookie: "Then I am going to act petulant!"
The whole Tara thing crashes into the other things that are going on, and now everybody is at the Crazy Tara party, like usual. Arlene hides behind Alcide while Tara's going nuts, Sookie grins wildly as usual, and mostly everybody is just happy to learn that Tara is not really fucktarded after all.