Ah, Hollywood. Tonight is the Project Runway shock-lineups, which is not my favorite part -- I like the group breakdowns, of course -- but it does mean we'll actually see good singing. And there's Ellen, which is the best possible thing that can happen to you at any point. So of 181 tickets, we're going to spend the three weeks weeding them down to 24 hopefuls, and tonight we cut them in almost-half, to 96. That's a respectable rate of culling. Oh and look, there's that totally awful girl. Man, I forgot how I have to look things up during this part. Mary Powers. Man, if I ever thought about this show except when I am actually watching it I would just go around kicking things all day because of her.
"An Honest Mistake," by my longterm go-to second-favorite band, The Bravery, plays over the whole "everybody getting to the hotel and talking about their dreams" part, which is pretty hilarious. This song, which is really quite good, always reminds me of one of my favorite single shots in the history of television, which is in "The Dearly Beloved", which is famous for that one amazing Imogen Heap song but which I also remember for containing this one shot, where Floater Girl -- her name was Jess but we called her Floater Girl because she was first discovered floating in the Cohens' pool but just like Swamp Thing rose up way stronger than when she went in there -- has just dicked some guys for a bag of cash, flashed a gun, and left everybody to deal with the consequences. This goes down in the Bait Shop. So there's this shot of her from below while that song is playing, walking over this catwalk, that is so terribly bad-ass and so right on-target for the song that it makes me cry just thinking about it, even years later. Like, my friend Lily can just look at my face and go, "Are you in actuality thinking about when Floater Girl was walking that one time?" Yeah. I am. And chances are I'm pretending in my mind that I just fired a gun in the Bait Shop and stole a shitload of money from gangstas because beauty's where you find it.
Owl City, I still can't decide about them. They're like Postal Service fan fiction.
Ryan introduces Ellen to the kids, and she kisses Ryan, and they are sort of identical, and it's sort of like a wonderful picture to carry in your mind forevermore. She tells the kids that she knows what it's like to be pressured onstage -- but instead of showing her amazing standup career, they show her walking out onto her talk show set -- and Ryan asks her this long question about Simon to which her answer is, "Sorry, I wasn't listening." Ryan giggles. But I mean, isn't the point of this season that authentic is okay again and so we have Ellen to explain how you can be a brand but also a person at all times? I guess it doesn't matter, plus knowing these kids these days it's all Dane Cook and that white trash with the puppets. Ellen and Simon have a tender moment about how she's coming in and he's leaving, but I don't want to think about that. At all.
Ryan reminds us how the kids finally get to use instruments at this point, and then shows us what it's like when people get through v. when they don't. What that's like is that the judges say that they got through -- or they didn't -- and then they cheer or cry. It's not really very complicated, unless you already have complicated feelings like with Vanessa Wolfe or Katie Stevens, who has the wonderful grandma with the Alzheimers that I still don't want to talk about. She comes forward and sings "For Once In My Life" with a very low Kelly Clarkson sort of smooth voice. She's much better onstage than I thought she would be. She duffs the very last note -- the high "someone who needs me!" part -- but only I think because she's getting the Thank You from Simon. He tells her she's quite good, everybody claps.
is horrible stupid Skiibowski, who I'm not linking to. He's dressing like a person nowadays, as requested, but still acting freaky and dumb. The Judgery laughs when he says his name, because he looks like a human this time and they didn't recognize him, then he sings a not-very-great "Ain't Too Proud To Beg," with these gasps after every word. Ellen says he acted like a hungry leopard that was going to "get them," and asks him to quit all of that. "Don't frighten your audience," she says. "Don't get so intense. Sexy and scary: It's a fine line." The audience laughs, because this is the point of Ellen, and then they line up all eight people (of whom we have seen two) and kick most of them out. Three people get kicked from their line, including Skiiboski. Of course, he does not just leave, he begs them for more information as a cover for begging for more screentime. They're just like, he seems like a nice guy, but clueless, so why get into it? Don't.
11:30 in LA. People we've never seen before get cut, Ellen is cute with other people who we don't know at all -- including telling a girl to put some damn shoes on, but in a much nicer way than I would -- and then it's time for Vanessa Wolfe and Andrew Garcia, with the backwoods and gangster situations respectively. Andrew sings "Straight Up" in that Kris Allen rewrite way, like a strummy cover (which here), but luckily his voice is amazing and he has a great melodic sense. Randy of course laughs really loud so everybody knows he recognizes the song and recognized it before anybody else, because Randy is interminably and forever a teenage boy at his first Green Day concert.
Paige Derfrenchname and Erica Rhodes the Dumbass Dominatrix go home, and luckily we don't even have to watch one single second of the Jersey Girls' no-doubt stunning performance.
Maddy Curtis clomp-clomps up onto the stage and continues to be pretty much wonderful, but also continues to talk about her family of people with Downs. She sings, again, a lovely and mannered take on something or another, this time in confusing boots and a freaky Republican/hippie dress. She's just the most interesting person. Too bad her family wants to put me in a concentration camp. Simon tells her it was not a great choice of song, she gets gawky and funny about it, and then comes Butterface Casey James one more time with his ponytail.
Casey, you may remember, took off his shirt that time and everybody got totally stupid and scandalized about it as though being a blonde white male at the ripe old age of twenty-seven means being so completely unaccountable that you're getting exploited if you take off your shirt and so since women have it so good these days that obviously boys should turn the tables and run for Prom Queen or get on the cheerleader squad or join a sorority or whatever ass-backward Mike Seaver mindset it is that makes you think men and women are equal at this point, which is in turn about three inches away from saying retarded contrary-for-its-own-sake Tea Party smartass things like how Obama might be a racist. Like, it's okay to call Bikini Kill a whore -- because she is one -- but somehow Kara is a cougar or worse for telling this idiot to take off his shirt, and he does? No, he's an idiot, and equating the two things makes you an idiot, but at least he is an idiot who is way less attractive with his shirt on, so bully for him.
Casey plays blues guitar, and it's pretty great, and he explains that his whole point in auditions was to get to this point so he could show off these skills, which makes the whole fake-scandalized thing even more ridiculous. Then he gets through and Maddy doesn't, which wasn't really a surprise starting at the second he started playing the guitar.
Upcoming is that blonde waitress, with whom I was so in love; and the girl with dreadlocks and the labret and the (cute) kid, whom I hated. So I wonder what will happen? I hope they don't overload this season with people I particularly hate. I don't really hate that many kinds of people, but a lot of them are musicians and since that's what we're nominally talking about you may just have the false idea that I feel this strongly about all kinds of other people -- like certain types of lawyers or real estate salesmen or something -- but I don't. I like most people, categorically, because it's easier on my brain. But dreadlocks, stoners, WannabiFrancos, Bessie Smithalikes... They're around every year, and every year I feel like we just limbo'd barely past them. So maybe I'm just going to be angry this year, by the end; in that case, you should know that really it's just "Party In The USA" playing in my head every second of the day and trying to remember not to give people high-fives when I haven't yet made their acquaintance.
But then Crystal and her teeth go ahead and sing "Natural Woman" and... Damned if she doesn't sound like an angel. Just gorgeous. Which I can deal with, as long as we don't have to see any evidence of her gross personality... Which, I also take back because the high notes are so lovely that I will even sit still for her horrible identity. That is such a serious talent, how wonderful. (I'm so proud of everybody today! Except Mary Powers.) So in the last lineup, Crystal and Didi step up with like one other girl and get through, along with... Some people. In total, we're now down to 96 people for tomorrow, along with
96 get through in total, to the accompaniment of "Believe" also by the Bravery but from their second album, which is a nice little bookending of things I hate by things I like, much like every other segment including most of all that last. Quickly there are flashes of people, like the guy with Carrot Top hair, and Tyler saying he needs to get his shit together and then getting bashful about that filthy mouth of his, and some cute boy with glasses and a girl with curly hair and I mean... Does it matter yet? Do we even know the names of ten people who got through today?
No, but tomorrow we will, because: GROUP NIGHT! Mary Powers being an ass, Byrd yelling at people, Casey crying on the floor... Oh, my heart is racing, you guys. Shuffle just started playing that Van She remix of "1234" because it felt my vibes. I'm freaking out a little bit that it's coming so soon because it's what I think about every other week of the year, and when people ask me what my actual job is I always say, "There's this one week in February where they stick kids in a hotel and feed them Red Bulls until they bareknuckle fight each other, and basically what I do is... wait around for that." And now here it is! TiK fucking ToK! I wish it was tomorrow right now so hard! See you there!
Whatever happened to past Idol rejects like William Hung and Bikini Girl? See what they're doing now.