Randy's in a suit and purple checks, and looks awesome. Kara's looking dour, but I've noticed her affect doesn't really mean much anymore. Paula's waving in an awfully spazzy fashion and has overtanned herself, and her hair's all a mess. She's rocking the Serena van der Woodsen look, actually: crazy-person hair and a shapeless toga that is all about the boobs. Adam and Kris are dressed like they always are; everybody in the audience looks married to Tom Hanks. I swear there are like seven Mimi Rogerses and twelve Rita Wilsons out there. I can't believe how proud I am of Kris Allen. Just looking at him fills me with glee. I wonder how many times they're going to mention how Kris and Adam are like best friends.
So Kris won the coin toss, and he's going second as usual. The three songs are, first the contestant's favorite song from the season, then Simon Fuller, and then the coronation song, written by (!) Kara, Cathy Dennis and Mitch Allan, three people I like very much. Oh, and Ryan wants you to know that they're going over their two hours tomorrow for sure, so be sure and tape the news. What he doesn't tell us is a damn thing about what'll happen in those two hours. Cross your fingers right now and say it with me: "David Bowie. David Bowie. David Bowie." Oh, and tonight is Glee! I'm so excited about that.
So you think you can make me watch So You Think You Can Dance, do you? Maybe this year it'll work. You know what I actually really love? Step It Up & Dance. I wonder if that will come back ever.
Ryan asks Adam's parents if he was born with the intense voice, and his dad's like, "He has been screaming like this since he was born." Dad says maybe his whole life was just practicing screaming for TV, and Adam explains he was hyperactive and couldn't be trusted in public, just like now.
It's so weird, because while we seem to have been presented with this cornucopia of songs and choices and flavors, this is the only week where the contestants don't really have any choices at all. One song they both have to sing, one song is going to be a Golden Oldie chosen by a golden oldie, and the first one they already sang. I mean, it makes sense, as a sort of survey of the show, but wouldn't it be crazy to get one more truly insane Adam choice here at the end?
I still kinda wish Matt Giraud had gotten whatever kick was delivered to Kris's pants, because he and Kris have been consistently the most technical and low-key performers and I've loved them both for it, but if I had to pick one I'm glad it's Kris. Either way, I love it. Simon gives Round One to Kris, and can barely believe it himself. After five years or whatever, I just love feeling like this show actually isn't about voting blocs, like that was an urban legend and even at the end of a seemingly set-in-stone season like this somebody can just jump out and activate their awesomeness and change the entire game. That people are actually paying attention. Doesn't that make you feel good?
Simon Fuller chose "A Change Is Gonna Come" for Adam Lambert, wearing a cool sharky suit and doing Sam Cooke? Yes please. It's right in the middle of his range, that sweet area that he always seems to see as a platform for jumping off. It's so fun to hear. And I mean, who knew Adam could do oldies soul like this? Well, Adam can do anything, but you know what I mean. It's like seeing a trapeze artist do tai chi, just calm down for a second and be awesome. He's got all this intensity and stuff, right, and to bring it to a soul song and play it mostly straight is really exciting. His voice sounds insane on this song, even without the screeching... And there's the screeching.
That's fine. I like how sometimes even Adam seems shocked by the sounds coming out of him, and does a little Betty Boop move with his eyes wide to indicate that he's not entirely in control. I'm mostly just stuck on: What an awesome choice, Other Simon! This is why you have the job that you have! I mean, there's a semiotic thing here, having to do with Obama and hope-type words, and it's an ideological mashup with the electric backup and the awesome organ, but consider an alternate universe where Danny was here, how different this song would be coming off.
Without Danny to push against, it's like he's singing for everybody, and not just half of everybody. Whatever Kris does, he could have sung exactly this same song and it wouldn't mean anything much different; either way it's like, "Today is a really nice day and I'm glad we survived." You know? That whole foot pain is not a fact of life, life is much better than that thing. I keep waiting for the bad shit to show up and it keeps not happening. Maybe that's for tomorrow. Maybe Rihanna will come and somebody will yell something inappropriate, or something.
Kara's decided that was his best performance and interpretation of all time, just like every time he sings or she talks, but she's right: he was able to combine those screeching high notes but also do the emotional side. She calls this the winning combination, using "both sides of [himself]," which is not only true and sort of amazing, but also makes him cry. Paula also thinks it was the best he's ever sung. Her van der boobs are also doing the best job they've ever done. She mentions the way he commanded the stage, and calls him iconic and a superstar. Guys, you know if you keep going there he's going to break down, and he's still got like a hundred songs to sing tonight. Simon welcomes him back to the game, and he chuckles with how awesome Adam is.
Yet again, Ryan and Adam are holding hands. This is the best. They keep holding hands and forgetting not to hold hands, and then sort of regretfully remember and let go. Simon also finds this awesome, but man, you know I would have to be wearing some kind of shock collar not to be always reaching for Ryan and grabbing and snatching and fixing his tie and ruffling his hair and imagining lint and whatnot. I cannot think of anything more comforting in this universe than Ryan holding your hand, obviously, but I also was reading up on Alien Hand Syndrome for my other job, and learned about this related syndrome called Utilization Behavior where your hands have a mind of their own and just grab everything, like, if there's a hairbrush on the table near you, you pick it up without even thinking about it and start brushing your hair, but like compulsively. And that's how Ryan is to me, and apparently how Adam Lambert is to Ryan, because he won't leave him alone for anything.
So they finally let go and butch up for one second, all "Game on!" and then... right back to holding hands. They are some handholding motherfuckers. I have never once in the history of this show wanted to be on that stage in any capacity -- maybe for a boxing match with David Archuleta -- but right now that hot mess is exactly where I... Katie and Suri. KATIE AND SURI! I saw them! Look, it's Katie and Suri! Katie's holding Suri to her chest, with one hand over her ears. Probably it's pretty loud in there, but if you're Suri Cruise I bet it's just deafening after being raised in quiet contemplation like that. I know we love Adam Lambert but it's so loud, Mommy!
Random hotties in the audience, who are you? I can't wait to see what Fuller gives Kris. Let me think what it will be. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." I'm clearly kidding, but what? What kind of nicey-nice acoustic love-in will he... "What's Going On?" That's so amazing. Simon Fuller is a God, that's so obviously right on. We even traded our scary producer for an awesome one! This season, man. Plus it's Kris. Even a sort of worn out song like "(The Ecology") can be fresh with him. I mean, I like the song, I loved it before I even knew what it was -- as usual with covers from Cyndi Lauper albums from my childhood, when I was pretty convinced she wrote every song in the world -- but it's hard to differentiate. I bet Simon will say something about that. Even when it's not soundalike he says it is.
I ... Hmm, I see those tall hand drums like my dad has. Tablas? Congas. So that's what conga drums are. The things you don't know are staggering when you come face to face with them. I remember this little quote I read where Tegan (of Tegan and Sara) was talking about how she made it to adulthood thinking that unicorns were real, just extinct, and I was A) enchanted and B) jealous, but mostly whenever I find something obvious out I think about the unicorns and how I wish I was confused about them. Like, did you know what soy sauce is made of? I didn't. It's soybeans. Did not put that one together.
Okay, so he's got conga guy, and a guy playing another hand drum I can't identify, both of which sound usual for this song, and he's playing the acoustic guitar. Which is one of the few things you actually could draw the line with: Adam is a performer singer, and Kris is a musician who sings. That's like their whole personalities right there, musically. If Adam had a guitar how could he stomp around and scream and show us his business? And if Kris were just standing there nervously shivering... Well, we've seen that. But at least I've identified one large difference between them. Which reminds me I totally forgot to make the Marry/Fuck/Kill joke about the Top Three last week. Dammit, that would have rocked. The answer might have surprised you!
No, no it really wouldn't have. And if I have to marry Adam Lambert in order to finally meet Ryan Seacrest, I'm sticking by it. Besides, the one thing you can count on iconic superstars for is leaving you alone when you're trying to do shit, which is my main issue with getting married. Well, that and the fact that it's inherently sexist. Well, and the fact that I still resent marriage for being a fake political issue that gets everybody all riled up and self-absorbed so they don't see the sneaky shit that is actually going on in their politicians. Yes, marriage is the Whites Only water fountain of the millennium, but it's like: should I really get aggro about that when the water itself is irrelevant and tastes like the '50s? I'll take Diet Coke instead, it's not a problem, don't get up. I know where the vodka's located.
Simon agrees with Randy that it was too laidback, and not momentous enough. But he also says it's like three hippies strumming along in their college dorm, which is dumb for two reasons, the first being that only a truly ancient person would think that activism is a college activity or that this song has that connotation anymore, but also because: tell me exactly how spending the night in Kris's dorm room is a terrible thing. Ryan's like, "Lots of symbolism this week, yeah?" Um, now that you said it, no. It's officially too much. The subtext has become text, which would seem to have itself become a hoagie you people are shoving down our throats.
Then Simon gives round two to Adam. I don't disagree, and God forbid I get all defensive and have to explain away Simon's opinion rather than accepting it. But no matter what happened tonight, I think he would give the first round to one of them, and the second round to the other one, because that's how it works. And maybe there's a little bit of this that is his American blindness, like with country music, where he doesn't really get the acoustic rocker thing and how flaccid it's allowed to actually be, and that plays into it too. Or maybe I'm just being dumb and he's right.
Shuffling through the playlist this week, I've been too obsessed with A) the prints and stickers and other fun stuff I got today from my favorite visual artist, Matt Cipov and B) watching videos by Ryan Trecartin, who is sort of like the Ryan Seacrest of my crazy. But I have been enjoying a little bit of the following in between those things: Darwin Deez, French Kicks, and more obsessively, Those Dancing Days and White Rabbits.
Oh, Michael Sarver, it's nice to see you again. Not talking, not singing: just sitting there. Matt Giraud also. Heading into the homestretch we learn that the song is called "No Boundaries." Which: wow. The symbolism talk just went to a new place. I am not a scholar of these coronation singles, as I'm sure many of you are, so I can't say, but it seems slightly less awful than usual. And the idea of linking whatever this hopeful vibe they're trying for to a personal story of overcoming obstacles is pretty awesome, and works for them both. So maybe they've had this contingency plan for Kris, playing the American Wins curveball, longer than I thought. "No Boundaries" is a pretty flexible sentiment in any context for a show that is all about picking one pony and then acting fucking insane about it for twenty weeks.
Simon makes fun of the lyrics, and Kara is beyond gracious about that, but reminds himself to judge the singer, not the song. He then completely forgets to do so, and gives a little narrative about how amazing Adam is, and how original and wonderful Adam has been from start to finish. He says that the whole point of the show is, for him, about finding a worldwide star, and says he genuinely believes with all his heart that Adam is it. Not a word about the performance, tellingly, but then he has no idea what Kris is going to do to the song.
Ryan asks him some question I don't even know, because Ryan! You are touching the talent too much! Even Adam is like, "Dude?" But the secret key is that this isn't a boy/boy thing with Ryan, it's just that he's attracted to gravity and loves attention, so the fact that Adam has the eyes of America on him right now, and the energy of the whole theatre is so Adam-directed, that he's like a moth to a flame. He totally has Utilization Behavior! It's what makes the concept of Drunk Ryan seem a little scary, but mostly it's what makes him so excellent at his job: he knows where the gravity is located. If we were at the Louvre he would have to keep himself from grabbing and snatching at the art. One piece of sushi left, he's going to stare at it until somebody eats it. You know? He's done this with other contestants too, the pawing, but usually it's girls who crawl all over him in return, or Bices that get all jumpy about it.
So Ryan very seriously tells Adam that he is a class act, which he truly is, and then gazes at him delightedly. Aww, Ryan loves him! I love how he's not even trying to be impartial. Ryan, you are a class act. Then he gazes at Adam for awhile, and Adam's like this nervous bird staring around at everything, and then Ryan grabs him! Again! Because he looooves him! He's like at a birthday party when they bring out the bunny and all the kids stare unmoving at the bunny, like little feral statues with fingers atwitch, because they have to touch the bunny. It's like Ryan Reynolds. I think Adam should win just for putting up with it.
Kris's "No Boundaries" seems to have a more dramatic mix, and he starts out stronger than Adam in the first few lines. I was thinking about how, after Cook won over Archuleta I was sort of flummoxed because I had a certain amount of beliefs taken away at that point, but sending Gokey out over Kris has demolished them further. I thought we could depend on that. So now I don't know. I want Adam to win, but Kris is my favorite. So it seems to me that Kris will win, because it's not brains that win this fight, but I think Adam brings in people who don't watch this show, and they might vote out of nowhere.