It's like an iPod commercial with this song. Oh, there's that horrible Portuguese guy! Werewolves are the old unicorns, represent! What if Del Toro shows up? Planned or unplanned, I'm dying to see her hot ass/hot mess again. There's a girl that sang this year who fucks up a line whose name I don't remember, and then Allison. Matt Giraud is like a paper doll, like he's always the same no matter what outfit or song you perpetrate. I think if I buy an album year it'll be him. I mean that. Matt Sarver is busting out of his all-white suit, but in a hot way. They want to start a fight, you guys! They sang it! Me too, but not in a singy way. I want to start a fight with P!nk, but of all the men and ladies on earth, the one person I know for sure I can't take down is her. She has boy muscles where girls have girl muscles. I can't fight that.
Commercial, and then David Cook. I'm torn because I want to laugh, but I have learned there's no laughing at David Cook. I just adore him. Maybe I'm the only person who knows his name, that's the Idol curse, but I just think he's awesome. I can say that now because I'm not worried about it. Oh look at his giant head! So cute. Look at the hands waving in the audience? Look at the even more emotional person playing the piano! Look at his adorably chubby ass singing about... Whatever he's singing about? Most people look different after a year, like Pickler and Bo and Carrie all looked a bit different, boobier or barfier or shinier, but not my man Cook. He looks the same. Maybe fatter, but like in a hot way. Sure does sound like every single song he ever sang, though. "Permanent" is exactly what you are, darlin'. I permanently want to make out with you so you'll stop singing boring songs and start singing songs I can handle. What if David Cook sang "Sober"? He's already kind of my boyfriend. But don't tell him. Sagittarius guys eat that shit like candy.
Ryan thanks him for a hug, and then they talk about Adam, and I am not interested in talking about that because David's not so ready to talk about it, so I'm not going to talk about it, because if you don't have a personal connection to cancer research yet, you will, and there's not much more that we need to go over. Because you're not allowed to make it about you, and that's true for me and it's true for David, and it's one of the best things about David and it always has been. So here's the link and we'll call that a wrap. Either it means something or it will. Those are the options.
But I don't want to live in an America where I have to talk about KISS, so bleep-bloop. Sorry your duet medley sucked such righteous ass, Adam. I guess I get it, but I really don't. I realize Jeff Buckley would be a hard get -- paging Elvis! -- but surely we could get closer to your lineage. Leonard Cohen? Zeppelin? Maybe they tried, and KISS was like, "Cherry Dr Pepper!" and AI was like, "$$!" So whatever, then comes Carlos Santana, who firstly why is he here -- to pointlessify Matt Giraud's performance, which is one of the things I was really looking forward to -- and secondly is automatically like if Crazy took a mental holiday. That awful Puerto Rican werewolf and Adam sing along with that terrible "So Cool" song, and Danny, and I can't... I can't enjoy any of his songs because all I can think about is 1) Rob Thomas dances like something I've never seen in life and it makes me feel crazy in a Lambert way, and 2) I'm so glad Santana was not my guidance counselor.
Oh, Camryn Manheim. You gaywad. Oh, Janice Dickinson, you are slightly less horrible than Tyra at this point. The boys sing a whole mashup video clip song of all their pimpmercial songs, to a song I don't know. I'm so horrified by how well I remember the pimpmercials, all of them separately. I assumed it would be like a blur. David Cook has a "surprise," which is a cheesiness "on behalf of the Ford Motor Company," which doubles up both Adam and Kris. So Adam goes, ""Quite the vehicle!" And Kris fakely goes, "Let's go for a ride, dude!" And then... Steve Martin plays the banjo while Matt Sarver and Megan Joy sing a song about fucking each other in a country kind of way.
I did not make that up, but I like the metacommentary about Megan and Matt being both jokes. And I like how awesome they both honestly sounded. The appeal of Megan is so narrow and specific that it's rare it is actually acceptable, so it's nice when it happens. And then there's Matt Sarver, who has the advantage of looking like Matt Sarver, and I'm given to understand that Megan is the same thing of girls, although I secretly don't believe it. Because there's actually awesome happening. Like, did you know Leighton Meester, besides being no-shit probably the best actress of our generation, sings so awesome and not like you think? Because jeez. Utilize your Google immediately.
Only thirty-seven bajillion years to go! Here's Matt Sarver making those faces. He's like the last of the summer wine, he really is. You would think a song about if you want my body and you think I'm sexy would be sexy or about wanting bodies, but no. It's just obnoxious. And speaking of, hi Anoop! So much yelling instead of singing, because this song has no melody at all, just Rod Stewart's stupid hair and even stupider ass, wiggling.