|
10-22 2006.05.08 |
And Screw You 7th Heaven leaves our airwaves with a show about Simon not marrying his fiancée no one except Annie likes, and all the Camden kids coming back, in one form or another, to see it and announce that they're pregnant with twins that are sure to make the ensuing reunion movies doubly creepy. |
| 8-17 Recap |
Li'l Orphan Annie
Two Weddings, An Engagement, and a Funeral - Annie's dad finally dies, and no one else cares. Maybe it's because no one else on this show is related to him anymore. In other news, Mrs. Bink ties the knot with the lamest guy ever, and Brenda Hampton's bizarre obsession with retarded people continues. |
2004.02.23 2004.02.29 |
D |
Sara M |
| 8-16 Recap |
Incestual Healing
The Anniversary - Couples act like family members, and family member act like couples. Just a normal day in family-values-rich Glenoak. |
2004.02.16 2004.02.22 |
C |
Sara M |
| 8-15 Recap |
Illin'
Don't Speak Ill of the Dead or of the Living - Peter and Ruthie "speak ill" of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln in an actually creative and interesting school project. Kevin and Lucy "speak ill" of Roxanne and Det. Michaels when they assume that the two are secretly dating. Martin's friend Mac "speaks ill" of Asslee's friend Pam by not dating her because she wet her pants ten years ago and no one has let her forget it since. The actor who plays Annie's dad was ill, but now he's one of "the dead," although since this show has yet to acknowledge that, we're supposed to think he's still among "the living." And Annie is ill in the head. |
2004.02.09 2004.02.15 |
D- |
Sara M |
| 8-14 Recap |
Soldier Boy
Healing Old Wounds - Martin's dad, the Marine, comes home. He's supposed to talk to Martin about going to college instead of playing professional baseball, but winds up making out with Roxanne. Whoops! |
2004.01.26 2004.02.01 |
D- |
Daniel |
| 8-13 Recap |
2004.01.19 2004.02.09 |
D- |
Daniel |
|
| 8-12 Recap |
Love conquers all
The Prodigal Father - If you have an aversion to saccharine, rose-coloured portrayals of mentally handicapped people as simple creatures full of goodness and wisdom, avoid the last fifteen minutes of this episode. If you have an aversion to bad acting and terrible dialogue, this episode may have been fatal. |
2004.01.12 2004.01.18 |
D- |
Daniel |
| Extra |
RevCam's Secret Past
The Babysitter's Seduction - Before he got saddled with a naggy haggy wife and seven crappy kids, RevCam was a mass-murdering cradle-robber in this TV movie. |
2003.12.30 2003.12.30 |
D |
Sara M |
| 8-11 Recap |
Bad Happens
When Bad Conversations Happen to Good People - Matt comes home to tell his parents that he failed at marriage and school. Ruthie breaks a cookie jar and frames the twins, who have enough to deal with without getting blamed for her stuff, like the fact that they don't know how to use underwear. Richard Lewis guest-stars yet again. Annie withholds judgment and baked potatoes. |
2004.01.05 2004.01.09 |
D- |
Sara M |
| 8-10 Recap |
Matt Is Still Stupid
The One Thing - To what should be no one's surprise, Matt isn't a very competent doctor, despite his proficiency at blood-drawing and intubating. The regular cast phones its performance in, both figuratively and literally. |
2003.11.24 2003.12.02 |
C |
Sara M |
| 8-9 Recap |
Missing: Alice, and Eleven Cast Members
Go Ask Alice - RevCam messes with the wrong principal when he takes on Mizzz Jones, so he turns his attention towards the one family that might be more dysfunctional than his own. Meanwhile, the love triangle between Martin, Asslee, and RevCam gets even more complicated when Martin and Asslee have a fight. We see blessedly little of the rest of the cast. |
2003.11.17 2003.11.23 |
B- |
Sara M |
| 8-8 Recap |
Sleepover Madness
Baggage - This week's fascinating episode focuses on sleepovers. Paris wants Chandler to spend the night with her, but he spends it with Roxanne instead. Don't worry, virginity enthusiasts -- he's still as pure as driven snow. Peter spends the night at the CamPound, because it's healthy for thirteen-year-old couples to have sleepover parties. Lucy most likely spends a night locked in her bathroom because she's mad at Kevin, and Ruthie's mad because Asslee might as well sleep at the Camdens', since she's around so darn much. |
2003.11.10 2003.11.16 |
A |
Sara M |
| 8-7 Recap |
Annie's BlocKKK Party
Getting to Know You - What better way to deal with a neighborhood full of bigots than to give them a block party so as to facilitate the handing out of white power literature? |
2003.11.03 2003.11.09 |
C- |
Sara M |
| 8-6 Recap |
A Muslim in need is a friend indeed
Charity Begins at Home - RevCam tells everyone to stop being so damn selfish and help someone else for a change. Various cast members respond by performing self-serving "good" deeds, like volunteering at a youth group for the sole purpose of seeing an ex-girlfriend, or making a new son-in-law fly across country for a sandwich. Ruthie the Good Christian helps and befriends all the lonely Muslim girls, for they surely cannot do it themselves. |
2003.10.20 2003.10.26 |
B+ |
Sara M |
| 8-5 Recap |
Of Camdens
The Kid Is Out of the Picture - 7th Heaven outdoes even itself in sheer boring and terrible television, in a clip show with no clips and even less sense. |
2003.10.13 2003.10.19 |
D |
Sara M |
| 8-4 Recap |
St. Martin of Ass-kissy
I Wasn't Expecting That! - Brenda Hampton takes a big risk by appealing to the majority of America's pro-military sentiment with new character Martin, who apparently thinks that having a dad stationed in Iraq entitles him to break into other people's homes and eat their food. Meanwhile, Kevin gets emasculated in the line of duty, and Simon desperately appeals to his family for some affection before he goes to college. And guest star Richard Lewis provides us with the most disgusting thing in television history when he makes out with Annie. |
2003.10.06 2003.10.12 |
D- |
Sara M |
| 8-3 Recap |
Secrets Revealed
PK (a.k.a. Preacher's Kid) - It turns out that Det. Michaels has a whole life outside of the Camdens, containing such potentially arresting (forgive the pun) drama as divorce, a son who abandons his own child, and undercover work. Of course, the show focuses more on Kevin babysitting and Simon getting help from a network of preacher's kids to go to college early than any of that, with some stuff about Chandler dating up a storm with the weird women who attend his church thrown in for good measure. |
2003.09.29 2003.10.04 |
D- |
Sara M |
| 8-2 Recap |
Blah, Blah, Black Sheep
An Early Fall - Mary's back for a contractually obliged visit. Even though she obviously hates and/or resents her oldest daughter, Annie arranges a "family" dinner to celebrate. The possibility of free food and drama attracts the entire town to the festivities. Then Mary announces that she's married to a man who used to be homeless, and everyone's appetite is ruined. Simon expresses his desire to go to a distant college in the near future. Simon and Asslee and Roxanne and Chandler break up for good. Unfortunately, Peter and Ruthie are still going strong. Even more unfortunately, Mary and Carlos figured out how to breed, and a second-generation CamSpawn is on the way. |
2003.09.22 2003.09.27 |
D |
Sara M |
| 8-1 Recap |
The Long Bad Show
The Long Bad Summer - The eighth season starts in style as all of last season's cliffhangers are wrapped up with boring exposition dialogue, thereby rendering any time you might have spent caring about them over the summer a complete waste. Lucy's not pregnant, the "death" we were promised last season turned out to be some guy we never heard of before, we never find out if Chandler and Roxanne had sex, and Mary is still stupid. |
2003.09.15 2003.09.20 |
B |
Sara M |
| 7-22 Recap |
Die already
Life and Death, Part 2 - Lucy may be pregnant. Xtina may be a hooker, or may have a heart of gold. In the CamVerse, it can't be both. Either way, Simon can't take her to the prom. We never see him make up with Cecilia. Chandler confronts his dying father. Ruthie tells everyone about getting her period. Mary and Robbie are back, but does anyone really care? |
2003.05.19 2003.05.21 |
D- |
Alex Richmond |
| 7-21 Recap |
Cycles
Life and Death, Part 1 - Barry and wife are expecting a kid -- or are they? Ruthie got her period -- or did she? Chandler...Hampton's dad is really nice -- or is he? Mary has a cell phone. She really does. Plus, this new girl, Christina, moves in and puts the moves on Simon. |
2003.05.12 2003.05.13 |
D |
Alex Richmond |
| 7-20 Recap |
Dick sucks!
Dick - Peter still hates Dick, who intends to marry Peter's mom. Chandler has to marry a few couples in Eric's stead. One half of one of the couples is special guest star Mayim Bialik. Cecilia's parents want to be married by Eric, too. It's just a big old wedding theme. "Old" being the operative word, as Lucy just got married two weeks ago. |
2003.05.05 2003.05.07 |
D |
Alex Richmond |
| 7-19 Recap |
Take Back Your Bink
That Touch Of Bink - Eric takes the pulpit, only to have the roof fall in on his pointy head. Lo, let there be fundraising. Special guest Eileen Brennan is the best little fundraiser in Glenoak. Her technique? Blackmailing everyone in town. Lucy and Kevin are still disgustingly happy. Plus, Peter's mom's new beau is, um, a freak. And not in a good way. |
2003.04.28 2003.05.04 |
D |
Alex Richmond |
| 7-18 Recap |
We Do
We Do - It's the long-awaited wedding episode where Lucy signs over her life to the scary T-1000. From the stupid "will the guests arrive in time" subplot to the not-at-all-surprising "surprise" guest, this "special" 150th episode sure is one big snoozefest. |
2003.04.21 2003.04.24 |
C |
Cate |
| 7-17 Recap |
High Anxiety
High Anxiety - Simon and Asslee get kicked out of a kiddy flick for making out. RevCam and SuperMom try to help the Hamiltons, with truly dull results. Roxanne threatens to quit the police force after her father shoots the man who murdered her mother. Lucy threatens to quit school so she can plan her wedding, but Kevin sets her straight. |
2003.02.24 2003.03.03 |
D |
Cate |
| 7-16 Recap |
Stand down
Stand Up - Lucy's wedding becomes a battleground for Annie and Eric's churchy issues. Of course, Eric decides to return to the church. Anything to shut his family up. Plus, Simon catches a thief at his new job, and Ben loses a rescue dog. |
2003.02.17 2003.02.19 |
C- |
Alex Richmond |
| 7-15 Recap |
I Love Lucy
I Love Lucy - Kevin finally proposes to Lucy while their families look on. Chandler proposes to a mirror and then almost proposes to Roxanne, but she tells him to wait. Ben makes out with Peter's mom. |
2003.02.10 2003.02.16 |
D- |
Cate |
| 7-14 Recap |
Smoking
Smoking - It doesn't matter what the individual plotlines are about. All you really need to know is that smoking is bad for you, and that Brenda thinks all smokers are stupid and rude. Oh, and that Jason London is way hotter than Jeremy London. |
2003.02.03 2003.02.10 |
A+ |
Cate |
| 7-13 Recap |
It's Not Always About You
It's Not Always About You - The thirteenth episode of the season is totally unlucky -- for the viewers. Simon gets to date Cecilia, but only if he agrees to keep it in his pants. RevCam goes to therapy some more, and Annie joins him. The T-1000 becomes more abusive than ever when Lucy tries to get out of jury duty. |
2003.01.27 2003.02.02 |
D- |
Cate |
| 7-12 Recap |
Back in the Saddle Again
Back in the Saddle Again - Ruthie meets an upbeat girl with cystic fibrosis who inspires her to beat everyone senseless with this week's theme mallet. Simon succeeds in getting Cecilia's father to allow him to date her again. RevCam's therapist tells him to quit feeling sorry for himself. Roxanne becomes the new Lucy. |
2003.01.20 2003.01.26 |
D |
Cate |
| 7-11 Recap |
Sunday
Sunday - Chandler and Roxanne daringly hold hands on their first date. Lucy would stalk them, but she can't find anyone who'd like to accompany her. RevCam writes an erotic novel that gets Annie all hot and bothered. No such problems for Simon and Cecilia. While they do decide to have sex, they also decide to discuss it with their parents first. This pretty much guarantees them a nookie-free future. |
2003.01.06 2003.01.13 |
D |
Cate |