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Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 2011-10-03

Nate: "This whole not-caretaking thing I decided on last week was never going to last anyhow. Farewell, Mr. Brothaniel Snarchibald. You were fun and impotent while you lasted. But mostly you were impotent."

BARFED-UP DRUMSTICKS

Beatrice: "[I am so hungry from all that shopping! And constant eating I kept trying to make you do!]"
Blair: "I have to go upstairs now. You go eat at your dumb Feast. Say hi to your brother and whassup to the Virgin Mary."

Dorota: "Did you need something else?"
Beatrice: "I will be making a bunch of Assumptions. You should Feast on them."
Dorota: "Oh, what now. You Grimaldi bitches are all the same."
Beatrice: "Blair is a drug addict."
Dorota, verbatim: "No. Miss Blair too much control freak to use mind-alter substance, even to help mood swing." (Hee!)
Beatrice: "Okay, then why the constant use of -- and I realize it's unnecessary and annoying for me to say it like this, but unnecessary and annoying are kinda my whole thing -- les toilettes?"
Dorota: "Perhaps it is your imperialist colonial stank? She's been horking since you showed up."
Beatrice, verbatim: "I knew I recognized that faint acrid smell from boarding school! The pale skin, not eating in public... Blair's obviously bulimic."
Dorota: "Yeah, but no. These days she is digesting everything. Constantly. Why don't I go make you both tuna melts? That should settle her stomach right down."

Beatrice: "Louis? We need to speak right away. Preferably in English, for some reason."

TRUMPED-UP MEDIATRIX

Nate: "Cougar! Why are you here at my house? Go back to Cougartown."
Cougar: "I am not here to see you, I'm here to see your mother."
Nate: "She is in the garden, drinking mouthwash out of teacups. I know you're here for me. For Brothaniel Snarchibald. You don't fool me, ya old cougar!"
Cougar: "I just bought The New York Spectator, and I wanted to interview your mother for my inaugural article on the disgraced wives of dirty businessmen, but she got huffy with me. She was a regular Arianna Huffington with me."
Nate: "If you tell me your name, I will tell my mom to give you the interview. I will tell her you are Queen of the Cougars and you need her to settle a complicated land agreement between the Cougars and the Squirrels. Then you will smoke a peace pipe."
Cougar: "You never really had a chance, did you."

Father Cavalia: "Did you enjoy a religious upbringing, Miss Waldorf?"
Sounds Like: "Would you like to see me take off this collar, real slow?"

Blair: "My family's of mixed faith, but I've always appreciated a confessional."
This is True. Actually, Blair's relationship with God is a constant. Huh.

Beatrice: "I'm just literally gonna start shoving food in your mouth at this point. I deserve to have my ears boxed and my box punched."

Virgin Mary: "I'll save you, Blair!"
Dan Arrives. At this royal function. Wearing plaid and jorts and Crocs and a leather arm cuff like Daddy used to wear. Just walks right on the fuck in. Doesn't get shot, doesn't get tackled. Monegasque security is heavily unionized.

Louis: "Stop doing literally everything that you're doing! I wish I had gotten a turtle instead of a sister. You're the worst."
Beatrice: "I am, it's true. I am just the fucking worst."

Blair: "Am I mad at you right now? I don't remember. Come with me to the vomitorium."
Dan: "I started thinking that Chuck was doing dangerous things to get your attention, and I didn't want that to happen, so instead of waiting for you to see it on Gossip Girl, I decided to come here and tell it to your face. So then that way you wouldn't know he was doing dangerous things, and wouldn't fall for his trap. Which is now the role that I have taken on. I'm the one telling you about the thing I didn't want you to find out about."

VESTIBULAR FELLATRIX

Nate: "We meet again, Cougar! I told my mommy that she should do your interview, but first you have to fuck me in a vestibule."
Cougar: "Anything for journalism."

RELUCTANT SIDEKICKS

Ivy: "Serena! Why are you constantly lurking? Are you going to cut my hair in my sleep? I feel like that's coming."
Serena: "Okay, but you can just stop. I know what really happened."
Serena Has no clue what really happened.

PINOCCHIOS & CANDLEWICKS

Blair Barfing.
Dan: "Are you throwing up because you fucked Chuck at a Bar Mitzvah?"
Blair: "No, but yes."
Dan: "I can't help thinking this is about me."
Blair: "It's barely about Chuck at this point."
Beatrice: "Are you barfing in here? I can't wait to tattle to my brother. About the barfing."

By Jacob Clifton