So this is it. By the end of tonight we'll know the Top 12. But first, eight contestants -- Tatiana's eyes locked on the camera like a hawk staring at a rabbit -- will sing, for no reason at all. While Ryan does his very dramatic intro, Simon makes fun of him off-camera, so part of his big "this is American Idol" speech is a very dramatic and awesome, "Simon. Be quiet." Then he says it's good to be with us again. He's wearing a really well-cut, angular three-piece with jeans and no tie; that one guy is wearing an ugly cardigan, Paula's dressed like a Bratz doll with pink leopard and a bright pink scarf, and Simon's wearing a lovely baby blue sweater. That guy we used to acknowledge boos when they say Simon's name but he is too stupid to have a reason why.
And here they are: Jesse looking lovely and normal, Matt G dressed like Marlene Deitrich for some reason, Megan all kinds of tarted up, Von looking and being completely fantastic as always but with a little more gayface than usual, Jasmine wearing a lovely evening gown even though it's like barely the cocktail hour, Ricky Braddy being spazzy as ever, Tatiana looking like the opening credits of a telenovela called Tatiana La Loca, and then Anoop, still bemused as to why he's here.
So eight people equals out to about five minutes a person, not counting the judgery and show drudgery. Jesse gives us a cute little video appeal even though this is the one time we're not voting, and then sings that Rufus/Chaka song "Tell Me Something Good," I think. It's nice because the performance is very Jesse, but really it's a smart choice because the whole song is about the funky bassline, that's how you identify whether you've heard the song, so she can just do whatever she wants. And the backup singers can get totally intense and have orgasms, which works in her favor too. It's a really polished, lovely performance, and for her first trip to the stage surprisingly comfy and not affected.
Kara admits there were key issues, but loves her "Sasha Fierce" swagger; Paula loves her tenacity and determination, and talks about her "soul" and her "whole unique thing," and notes the way she owned the stage basically; Simon tells her she was the mystery last-minute choice, and says she was pretty awesome. His only criticisms were the indulgent song and performance: "more about you than anything else." Paula says that's how the song works, and Kara agrees: it's about being sexy and awesome, not begging. I'm with the girls, and not just because I loved her before I ever heard her sing. Ryan tries to start shit and she doesn't play into it, and Simon's like, "I just said I was glad you're back." Good point.
Matt G, in his weird Wonderful Land Of Oz jacket he was wearing last night, apologizes for not being psychic and doing what the judges eventually retroactively said he should do. Then he comes out in this totally fucking weird getup that not even Cook could have gotten away with to sing "Who's Loving You" by the Jackson 5. On the one hand, he's got a powerful instrument that will do whatever he tells it to; on the other hand, it's not really him telling it what to do. It's cheesy, easily twice as self-indulgent as anything Jesse could have pulled out her ass, and goes on for one million years. You had me and then you lost me.
Kara welcomes him back and praises his riffing, although she does note it was a "little bit" over the top at points, which I mean, any other year he wouldn't stick out but damn that was affected. Paula says nothing of worth and Simon calls her an asshole, but of course she loved the syrupy unstoppable cheesiness of it, and thinks America will too. I hope she's wrong but I doubt it. Simon says it was better than before, calls him out for his stupid outfit, calls him correctly a tryhard, and then invokes the name of Taylor Hicks. That other guy rants stupidly and has no idea what he's talking about, and then Ryan's like, "Why did you pick that song?" Oh, because it's in his "bones." He tells this story about how obviously he should have sung it in his Group performance, blah blah, Ryan's like, "Cool bro."
So now it's Megan and then Von, and we're halfway through. I forgot how awesome it is when they have to fit this many people into just one hour. Megan is singing "Black Horse & Cherry Tree," which is a fun song and my favorite Kat performance, but she's going to jack it all up with that bluesy Truckstop Billie Holliday thing she does, and I bet it's going to be awesome. Only problem being that her voice is not as low as apparently she thinks it is, so she scrapes her tranny against the road a few times, Liz Phair-style, before all is said and done. It's at least authentic, like she's authentically like this, and she continues to do that hilarious shimmy dance like a toddler so that's good. The last note is like a punch in the ear.
Paula says she was fun and joyful, and loved the weird dancing; she thinks it was the right song. Simon's like, I like you and I always have, I think you're terrific, and you are current, which is something this show always aims for and fucks up. Not the best vocal, he says, but that's not a problem. These thoughts are then echoed verbatim by a fourth panel member, before Kara speaks. She says that Megan is necessary because she's weird and different from everybody else. Ryan doesn't even waste time talking to her, just kicks it to Von, who babbles a little bit.
Tonight he looks like Malcolm in the Middle, to like this eerie degree, which is unfortunate on every level. He will be singing "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word," a song they should bottle to put Lunesta out of business. His voice is awesome but in the Clay way that I couldn't care less about, and I want him to stick around now just for the fact that he's a freak, like, his voice is freaky flexible and does tricks it shouldn't do, and that's interesting.
Simon liked the song but not the beginning, and finds Von to be heading into a boring area: too serious, too earnest, lacking something special he used to have. It's sad but he's right; Paula doesn't want to agree either, but she does. That other guy says every single word he always says, but says nothing for real. Kara didn't like the song, and found the performance to be "dark." It was, wasn't it? Sort of sad and creepy. She assures him he has what it takes, but begs him to hit his stride. Paula explains that, through her research of watching him sing, she has learned that he clamps down on technique and thinking too hard, and thus his essence cannot soar. I mean, adjust for crazy talk, but yeah. She tells him to trust in the fact that his voice is awesome, and then sing with it. Apparently that's harder than it sounds, but I get that, because: in the same way that I can maybe hit a tennis ball but I can't hit it and make it do anything in particular, that means that for me, tennis is easy. Like, things are only hard when you're very good at them.
Jasmine sings Xtina's "Reflection," which immediately risk falling into the same sad/scary place as Von, but the melody is dynamic enough that she just comes off as precocious and dedicated, rather than deadly serious. This is not a song I really enjoy, because although I do love me some Aguilera I think it's pretty facile and sweety-pie. Was this in Mulan or something? It makes me feel like that, like the blue corn moon song. That guy says what he always says, and what Simon's said three times -- while Paula and Simon laugh at him -- and Kara notes that she has a surprisingly "big" voice. She says the same thing I was thinking, which is that you think "Why did you pick that song?" at the beginning, but then have it explained to you over the course of the song why it was the right song.
Paula loves it, and Simon tells her that she's actually done even better than Paula's weird same-samey praise, which causes Paula to get insane and give him a rugburn on the arm. He is remarkably indulgent with Paula while simultaneously being incredibly supportive of Jasmine, like, to a weird degree. If this were House the assumption would be that Simon is on heroin. I cannot imagine Simon Cowell on heroin. Or any drug, really. Can you think of a drug to give Simon that would not be completely no bueno? Simon on coke is about the fiercest weirdest secretive/yucky thing I can think of, like he would pull you aside and tell you how much pizza's left and don't tell anybody, that weird cokehead shit. I can't even imagine him drinking really, without going to a Hasslehoff kind of sad yet tender place. I think on pills or pot he would be the same but more irritable, and then fall asleep. Every drug, he would just get really intense and then fall asleep. Don't do drugs, because they are really bad, obviously, but thinking about this just makes me love him even more. Plus those are all the drugs I've ever heard of, I think. Well, no, because even E, he would just be kinder. "I've always liked you. I probably don't say that enough." That would be Simon Cowell freaking out on ecstasy.
Ricky Braddy gamely sings "Superstition" in skinny jeans and a silly grin. He's likeable but in a sepia-tinted way where you didn't even know that guy existed until the car accident, and now everybody's bringing him flowers and crying in the hallway about the time he streaked at a girls' basketball game or something, and how it was so awesome. Or like if some guy friends you on Facebook and has all these memories of fun things you don't recall. There's this like eternal autumn gloom with Ricky Braddy, because he was never here. Cute guy, funny hair, lovely voice, sounds familiar, but I think maybe he was in a different homeroom than the guy you're thinking of. The judges all act sort of ashamed for putting him through this, and embarrassed that they don't really recognize him either. Simon praises his "chops," but is not hopeful; Kara is all over him. It's all very nice and kind, but basically what is happening is that they are saying he's going to a farm to run around and but really that means V-E-T-E-R-I-N-A-R-I-A-N.
Woo first ad for Glee! Fuck yeah! That looks precisely like what I was imagining. How thrilling. Ryan's like, "Girl you know what time it is. Loca time." Then Tatiana's video package goes as follows, in some kind of Salma Hayek bastard triple-accent she decided to have last night, through fake dry crazy-person tears: "I am in love with everyone and everything that has happened I have found love and God I love what I do and I love to sing so much and I just want to show the world how much I love to sing and how this means to me and to get a second chance which nobody gets seconds chances once in a lifetime I am ready to sing for you America thanks so much."
It's like those TV movie monologues that Molly Shannon character used to act out, is how intense and melodramatic it is. It is also totally for real, which is sort of mindblowing. I don't know how she has gotten this far through life without being murdered and I'm not trying to be funny or anything when I say that because it's not that funny, it's a serious question. It would also be interesting to send her to some kind of clinic where every time you start a sentence with "I" -- or make an "I" statement, in the parlance of the day -- they slap you viciously right in your pretty face. I submit to you that this form of therapy would be really helpful for Tatiana.
Ryan -- on bended knee because God forbid that girl upstage him -- introduces her singing "Saving All My Love For You," and of course it's absolutely wonderful. She's still got the fucked-up double-plus-ungood accent happening, but it's not that noticeable honestly. She's still overloading the mic and doing weird movements, but dang. She has that talented thing that doesn't have words for it. Maybe in another language; maybe in Paula language she will explain the thing about Tatiana, because I've tried now 18 times and I can't even get close to the point of Tatiana. Normally I am really freaked out by those pop stars, like Jessica Simpson especially I've noted this, where when they're not singing they look like they've had a lobotomy, and they can't form sentences and it makes Carson Daly want to cry and get a blowjob from them, but then the second the music starts, a whole other person takes over their body and it's like they understand the words of the song? I feel like we've talked about this before, maybe with Carrie. But Tatiana is the opposite of that, because when her music starts, her body is taken over by somebody you don't particularly want to run over with your car.
She bows ever so deeply, and Simon salutes her, and then she screams over Paula's attempt at critique. Paula makes fun of her accent, and she explains that -- like Jorge -- when she gets overexcited she thinks in Spanish, "and the English comes out weird." Which is the coolest thing she's ever said, just very matter-of-fact, but also maybe that's the whole problem. Maybe in addition to thinking in Spanish she's also thinking in crazy, so when she tries to speak English it's accented both linguistically and by the crazy jacked up on top. Maybe at home she's just totally calm and, like, the sister that crochets while everybody tells her their problems and people wonder whether she will ever wed, because she's just so happy and content to care for everybody around her and doesn't she know it's okay sometimes to take care of herself.
Paula fails three times to say anything of worth, and she does the crazy laugh and interrupts and talks nonsense, and thinks this is a chat or something. Over her interrupting insanity, Simon points out that it's the third time she's sung this song, and wonders if she's going to keep singing that song each week, and calls bullshit on her for saying she didn't have time to learn a better song. Paula yells at Simon for interrupting Tatiana, which causes a few idiots in the audience to clap, except you know what, this is where the judges talk, specifically Simon, you idiots. Not Tatiana. The judges to the left continue to find her insane and the star of a telenovela called Las Aventuras De La Pinche Loca, and Kara's like, "At least she's not clutching her heart and acting like an ass," and Simon's like, "You will see that shit before this night is over." Then Ryan and Tatiana get super fucking weird and everybody pretends that didn't just happen.
Speaking of people who only sing one song, Anoop is back singing "My Prerogative." A song which is not a song. I am pretty sure that this is more about Anoop not wanting a single thing to do with this goddamn show, and that's impressive. That's so much cooler than a choke, even if it's not that fun to watch or hear. Maybe this is an O. Henry situation and we'll never know that throwing this competition is the only way he can afford a hairbrush for his wife, who is selling her hair right now on another TV show entirely to get money so she can bet on him winning this show. That's what it seems like to me, anyway. Color me over Anoop. And actually, I'm over Matt G too, with those fucked up clothes. Coincidentally, I guess that means I must like Von Smith.
Simon's like, "Well aren't you fucking unique. I see what you've done here." Kara's like, "I hate to get up and dance but you made me want to," and Anoop says something about Duke and North Carolina that probably makes sense if one is unusually devoted to sport. Paula notes his "dirty" "moves," which were neither, and the shit gets even more surreal because are you kidding me? That wasn't... Anything. It was a Nick Mitchell amount of appropriate and/or relevant. I don't understand. He has a good voice, I've heard the good voice. He clearly wants to go home, that's the only way any of this makes sense. Look how long it took Brooke White to recover when these warning signs went unheeded. If you love Anoop, you will not vote for him. That's only my opinion, of course: your votes are, as ever, your prerogative.
So wait, now what happens? They tell us what they are thinking about this, and send five people home. Except when did this decision-making happen? Just now in the commercial? I don't think any of those four are capable of that, especially not in front of the kids. Or maybe it happened at the rehearsal, like when Paula psychically knew Jason Castro was going to fuck up and then he magically did? Or were these decisions made, in fact, weeks ago in order to seed the Top 12 with exactly who they wanted, just like we knew would happen? Because trust that I don't begrudge them that -- they could have just picked the fucking Top 24 like every year and I wouldn't care -- but if that's true then why did I have to watch four goddamn hours of this show this week? Four hours. Do you know how many minutes that is? That is so many minutes.
Is Jasmine through? "After some heavy, heavy deliberation" -- that would have happened in some fucking Gossip Girl pocket universe that has no respect for time or space -- she is through. That's ten. Oh, you know what, this was so we would see the last three people sing at least one more time to make up for the fact that the 18 episodes of this show we've watched were basically entirely focused on Scott being blind, Danny's dead wife, and Adam Lambert's big gay penis. I get it now. So it'll be more equal week. That makes total sense, actually, so I don't even care anymore why or when this all happened. I mean, like I did in the first place, but you know what I mean.
Ricky Braddy? Obviously not. Kara tells him he showed more personality, but not nearly enough. I don't know that he has much more than we've seen. Megan and Tatiana come down , and pick at each other like chimps eating lice. Tatiana looks like she's watching Tara burn down around her the entire time. God. Paula gives them this long speech about it, but forgets to actually give them the decision, so they bore holes into her head and she finally remembers to say that Megan is going through. Megan! That's amazing, she's going to do those little dances and be so trashy! Then Tatiana wanders over to the judgery and acts fucking weird some more. So... "Who takes the final stool? Find out live, ."
...Or not, apparently. You'd think Fox would have this random scheduling BS down to a science, but "live television" and "Tatiana del Toro" are kind of antithetical if you know what you're doing in the first damn place. So apparently, and I'm so sure it was worth watching, both Matt G and Anoop got through, making the Top 12 a Top 13. Surprise twist! And I don't even have to freaking check my cable to know that means the likely two-hour episode week is now a certainty. And so rather than making up some weird story about Tatiana freaking out or Von Smith's earlobes or how it always takes me a second to remember I'm not actually friends with Mindy Kaling, I'm going to bid you a wonderful weekend, because fuck this show forever and ever, and I will see you week.