Why yes, yes we can. The group sing this week is The Eagles' "Take It Easy," which should either make my dad very happy or make him really pissed. Like my dad would even glance at this show. He watched all of four minutes last season, gave Bo his seal of approval for singing that Jim Croce song, and promptly went back to watching Deadwood. All twenty-four contestants are arranged randomly on or around the stage, and they occasionally move about for no discernable reason. Elliott kicks us off solo, his ears apparently serving as backup dancers. I thought he was absurdly overrated on Wednesday for a boring-at-best performance, so now I have to concentrate doubly hard to figure out what's going on with him. He's okay, but his voice isn't that strong at all, to me. He barely gets his one line out before his voice falters. What the fuck, Simon and all of America? Ace may or may not be singing, because everything about his performance is in the eyes. Which I do not think are bedroom eyes. They're closer to puppy-dog eyes, which at twenty-five is a little ridiculous. It's certainly a welcome change from other leer-y contestants I might mention, but he always makes me think he's performing at a sixth-grade girl's birthday party, handing her a pink rose. Which is fine when he's singing "Take It Easy," but significantly less fine when he's singing oh, I don't know, "Father Figure." God, David Radford is such a mess. He can't not do that "Jump, Jive, an' Wail" bullshit, so he's constantly doing a bad impression of himself. Which is a bad impression of Michael Bublé. Which is a bad impression of Frank Sinatra. By the time you get to the center of Radford's nesting doll, it's just one tiny finger snapping. Lame. Chris is awesome, of course, but his constant screaming makes me think his voice will not last until May. Becky's standing to him and gives a look like, "Whoa, dude. It's the Eagles. Take a pill."
Bobby and Kevin share some face time, which is horrible. Kevin looks so small and defenseless in comparison, especially because he hasn't yet figured that Bobby has secretly given in to his inner serial killer. More on this later. Heather and Becky walk across the stage in front of David and Ace, which…watch it, boys. Those girls will leave you with more than fond memories. ["That was Becky. Not Bucky." -- Sars] Also, I hope you enjoyed that part, because it's the most any of the girls will be doing for this entire song. Up in the balcony, Patrick and Bucky duet, and in a heartbreaking foreshadowing of events to come, Bucky completely drowns Patrick out. Sway and Gedeon are on the stairway, ogling Kat McPhee. Taylor takes center stage and is noticeably less tic-y, and not surprisingly, notably less interesting. Back to that one trick, pony. He's quickly joined by Will, Kevin, and Bobby. I don't ever want to see those four in the same place ever again. They're like the family from Devil's Rejects in cheesy pop-singer form. Oh, check it. The girls get to harmonize on the "Ooh! Ooh!" parts. How nice for them. Mandisa strikes a pose at the end and holds it for a week, which I loved. And before the song is even over, Kellie and Lisa are gabbing about something. Which I also loved. What a juxtaposition that was: the diva determined to pull focus to the girls who can't shake the camera even when they just want to gossip.
Back from the commercial, everybody's in the lounge and Ryan kicks us to an über-video package of all twenty-four performances. Ryan's voice-over groups them all into helpful categories. Under the "rock" banner are Bucky (playing the Skynyrd card early), Mandisa (over-singing, but awesomely), Patrick (ruining things for the both of us), Becky (wussing out at the end there), and Chris (damaging his insides, not that it wasn't fantastic). Going the "country" route are Kellie (doing that annoying zero-to-sixty voice climb) and Melissa (borrowing the Phoebe-with-a-cold sexy rasp). Bobby "took on Barry," and David "took on Queen." In case you were wondering, Barry and Queen won, the viewing public lost. Paris and Elliott fared better with their Motown interpretations, though Simon lied egregiously to Elliott in the process. Brenna bored the shit out of us with her Motown, but it was okay because then Simon gave her permission to be the world's biggest asshole, so it worked out. Under the heading of "great performances" we get Taylor (grudgingly, I will accept that assessment), Ayla, and Kinnik (which kind of glosses over the criticisms both received, which is fine, because they were both easily among the better half of the performances), and Lisa, who gets the Paula Abdul "star" label. Stevie and Sway are grouped together for their "high notes." I love seeing Brenna in the background of Stevie's performance, because she is either grimacing, or singing along, or both. "Low points" -- determined by who Simon liked least, obviously -- were Heather (totally), Kevin (I disagree, but I can see Simon's issues), Gedeon (and his runaway train smile), and Will. Oh, bullshit. First of all, Simon called Will "average." That was the complaint. It was an awful song choice and it put him in a box he is way, way too good for, but it was not one of the low points. Screw you, Seacrest voice-over! Finally, Kat and Ace are grouped together under the "smoldering looks" category. Okay. Was Kat really smoldering? Or just mesmerizing? Ace was certainly smoldering, but I wasn't paying as close attention due to "Father Figure" being the grossest song ever written, ever. I'm cool with Ace for now, but he's going to wind up bugging me with that wide-eyed lost puppy look, I can tell. ["I read that sentence initially as 'wind up hugging me,' which…Ace showing up at your house? And you're trying to eat cereal and he's clinging to your leg all 'please love me'? Brilliant." -- Sars]When we re-convene, we're back on the stage, and it's just Ryan and the girls, who are situated in the two rows. In the back row, also known as the "We Won't Even Try to Bullshit You" row, are Mandisa, Kellie, Paris, Ayla, Lisa, and Katharine. In the front row, or the "Nip/Fucked" row, are Heather, Stevie, Melissa, Kinnik, Becky, and Brenna. Swap Kinnik for Kellie and yeah, that's pretty much the division of best/worst performances, so there's minimal fudging with our perceptions so far. Brenna is seated closest to Ryan, the better for her to aggressively preen and pose. She's got her hair all blown out and fabulous-looking. She explains to Ryan this little metaphor she's worked out, where you have to be like a duck: calm on the surface yet paddling fiercely underneath. As metaphors go, I've heard worse. Especially on this show. Thing is, Brenna's appeal is exactly the other way around. Her fierce paddling is always on display, and it's only when we see her duck-like calm underneath that we like her. Or I like her. Or maybe I don't. It's exhausting, keeping up with my opinion of Brenna, minute-by-minute. Ryan's angle here is that Brenna is talking the crazy talk, with the ducks and the paddling, but Brenna manages to keep cool and be charming for a bit. She always says Ryan's name, I've noticed. Is that a power thing? Like, the more familiar she can be with Seacrest the more it'll seem like she belongs? , Ryan turns to Paris, who's dressed like she's in mourning. In a Tennessee Williams play. She tells Ryan she had a dream where she flashed forward to the finals, where the confetti was showering down on the winner, but she woke up before she could see who it was. Eh. I prefer the duck story.
Ryan tells the back row that they are all "safe" from this first elimination. He asks the front row to stand up. He treats this row like bookends, in that Ace and Elliott -- at the right and left ends of the lineup -- are the first to sit down. That's when your mind does the rest of the math for you and sees Bobby and Sway at the center of the now-pretty-literal bull's-eye. Indeed, Kevin and Chris are the to sit, and Bobby and Sway are called to center stage. Bobby is alternately fake-jovial and seething with rage. When Ryan reads Simon's comments, he rolls his eyes and says "blah, blah, blah…just kidding." Totally not, Bobby! Sway is already a really short guy. to Bobby like this, he's barely in the frame at all. It's like Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri up in there. Ryan teases the send-off to commercial ("You are gonna find out…"), but then pulls back and fires away ("…right now"). It's Bobby. He knows. We know. Everyone knows. Bobby's shaved off the My First Moustache, which is nice, but he still looks dangerous. He keeps interrupting Simon, trying to save face or make himself look gracious, or whatever, but the look on his face still spells "seething with antisocial rage." Dude, if you're the kind of person who will choose "Copacabana" of your own free will in a competition that could decide a huge chunk of your life, I believe you are capable of just about anything, and I fear you. He seems to think that Ryan and Simon's little slap fight last night was about him and not about each of them being each other's "mirror, mirror, on the wall," so he tries to address it by being very fake-diplomatic. We don't even remember the part you played in it, Bobby. Really. Then he starts talking about the haters at home and that he's done something that they can never say they've done: embarrass the shit out of himself on national TV. Damn straight. Paula suggests "musical comedy" as a career path, and hey, if Bruce Vilanch could suppress his murderous rage to star in Hairspray, I see no reason why Bobby couldn't do the same. Once more with "Copacabana," and I've already seen this once. I see no need to put myself through it again. There is one karaoke version of this song that I will accept and one only, and Bobby is no Rachel Green. Bye, Bobby! When you do finally snap the tether, remember that all the really mean things said about you here at TWoP were said by Jacob. ["Radford, you can cross-apply, and I win, because Radford can fight at least as well as the company of Guys And Dolls, because he's seen it a billion times. Even if it's slightly over-choreographed, that's still scarier than the Endora Swoop you'd get out of Bobby." -- Jacob]Back from the commercial, Ryan again berates the audience for not voting. For Bobby. Dude, who are you kidding? The girls are back onstage for elimination number two. The back row doesn't even have to stand up this time before being declared safe. There is a marked distinction between last time and this time, though. Now only Paris and Ayla celebrate, while Mandisa and Kellie look relieved, and Lisa and Kat look pretty tore up. Lisa, in particular, is taking this entire evening kind of rough. It's the first indication we've seen that she's actually sixteen and not a Cylon model designed to possess tremendous natural ability and poise. Brenna gives Ryan some kind of look when he calls her name, but she's safe, so she manages to unclench. Nobody claps until Ryan actually tells them "you can clap for Brenna." Brenna's like, "Yeah, you can!" She's a monster. Kinnik is also declared safe. Melissa is declared safe. We're moving directly down the line, you'll notice. The last two are Stevie and Heather. Stevie looks so sad now. Ryan's up to some shenanigans. He asks Heather and Stevie to join him at the center of the stage, but they're barely out of their seats before he says, "Second thought, Heather, have a seat. Stevie, you are leaving us tonight." Was that designed to catch Stevie off guard before she could steel herself? If so, that's really shitty. As it is, she's holding it together with the tips of her fingernails. Interestingly, Stevie says she was "a little sick" on Tuesday, which as an excuse is way too late for it to do any good. Which makes me think it was true, except what would being sick have to do with her decision to sing Josh Groban from the top of her sinuses? Was she sick in the brain? Ryan says she's "so sweet and nice and adorable," and he says it like he's disgusted. Like it sucks that she's not even a bit of an asshole, because now he has to feel bad. I think Ryan needs a certain percentage of artifice if he's going to hang out with you. Or else how can he reciprocate? Maybe actual no-bullshit authenticity is the kryptonite that renders him useless. It explains the E! network deal, for one thing.
The judges tell her she picked the wrong song, which DUH! She knew. Simon's nicer to her this time, telling her "someone's gotta go," which is the most truthful and kind thing you can say to them at this stage, I think. Stevie performs the Groban song again, and she keeps it out of the higher register for much longer than she did on Tuesday. It's interesting, because at first you wish she had done it this way before. It's much more in the style of the show, and her voice has a Jessica Simpson quality, like back before she turned herself into a national punchline. Back when she was pretending to be a virgin. So, but then, when Stevie takes it into the high notes, it's easy to see why she'd want to stay there. It's really a very beautiful thing, her voice. Not at all right for this competition, out of place in a hundred different ways, but beautiful in and of itself. The girls love her, so they surround her. Looks like Heather's really broken up, too. Bye, Stevie! Get some sun before you leave California, huh?Back from the final commercial break, Ryan has the boys assembled for the final elimination. This time, the front row of guys gets to breathe easy, as they're safe. It'll be one of the back row: Gedeon, David, Taylor, Will, Bucky, or Patrick. Now Ryan has some instructions. He wants the back row to all come to the stage and assemble in "two single-file lines flanking" him. Everything's a chorus line with Ryan. It always reverts back to the jazz hands. The lines are set up so that there are pairs on either side of Ryan. Bucky and Patrick up front, Taylor and Will in the middle, and David and Gedeon in the back. Here's where I overthink it. All night Ryan's been dispatching contestants geometrically, either down a straight line or in concentric circles or whatever. The square root of the hypotenuse of the radius of complementary angles equals Bobby and Sway, right? And every time, it's always been a whittling down. Twelve become six become two become one. So looking at the way the stage is set up just now, you can't blame me for looking at David and Gedeon in the back -- the two most likely to go, in my mind -- and thinking it's going to be one of them. Oh, but no. It won't be that easy. First off, Ryan reads off the song 'n' judge stats for both Patrick and Bucky, then asks the two of them to step to the side. Ryan then sends Taylor and Will back their seats (duh), and then does the same for Gedeon and David (d'oh!). So it's down to Bucky and Patrick. Yeah, I can see what's about to happen now. "Bucky…it's not you leaving us tonight. Patrick, your journey ends." Fuck. And not just because it's dirty, marble-mouthed Bucky, either. It's Patrick! He was great! What the hell, America? Paula's crushed like I am. Dudes, I am having the same reaction to an event as Paula Abdul! Things that shouldn't be happening are happening! Paula mentions how awesome Patrick was in auditions, and she and Randy think he'll have more success doing his own thing away from this show. Which is a fine sentiment, if cold comfort for my boy. Simon says the lesson learned is you have to stand out in a crowd. Which is totally true. Dumb song choice. Patrick, like last night, is all about lessons learned, so he takes these parting shots like a trooper.