Simon says, "Stop lying to yourself and look in the mirror. Stop lying to yourself and listen to your own voice. Stop lying to yourself and think honestly about why you are here. Stop lying to yourself and understand who is voting, and why." Take all the other voices away and listen to what you're actually thinking and doing, and be strong enough to accept both sides of it and stop trying to argue your way out of fallibility. Well, of course everybody boos him. Nobody wants to hear that shit!
But the irony is that we've ended up in this finale with two people who have consistently given us "authentic," but have been slipping away from actual authenticity every week since the show started. And every week Simon and the Judgery have asked Lee to stop being afraid, and just sing -- and every week they've begged Crystal to hold onto whatever bit of truth it is she's showing us when she's at her best. The whole idea of performance, like any fiction, is about doing something that is not true, but doing it so well and so honestly that it becomes true.
Crystal is annoying. We've known that since we met her. Lee is annoying, which we've only slowly begun to learn. They are authentically obnoxious, both of them. But I think the deck was stacked, because you know who else was authentic? Lilly. And that trashy girl with the red hair. Andrew Fucking Garcia was authentic as hell. And it occurs to me that the majority of contestants this year were authentically awful. In a way that is only barely related to their singing ability. So maybe it all evens out, and we're back to dealing with the two people who can at least sing. I guess we'll see. All I know is, I would like Lee a lot better if he'd gotten eliminated before the shtick turned.
Big ovation for Simon Cowell, which is good but something I don't even want to talk about. I really can't stand the idea that he is leaving. I don't know what that says for my future with the show, honestly.
Lee is just happy to be here. Crystal is just happy to be Crystal. They are both dressed like they go to Hogwarts, so I'm sure the duet is going to be annoying as heck. We visit Toledo, where somebody unknown and unseen -- but is definitely not Matt Sarver -- is reporting. Meanwhile, the people in Illinois are a bit more subdued. Their paint stores are going unmonitored for this.
That blonde girl or a blonde girl plays the guitar, looking like Patsy when she and Edina were in school. The Top 12, also dressed like Battle Royale, sing "School's Out For Summer." Not really a singing song, but all I really care about is how extremely rolled-up Aaron Kelly's sleeves are. Then things take a fucked up turn as a host of zombie schoolchildren come down the stairs -- in lockstep, like another brick in the wall or a total eclipse of the heart -- with Alice Cooper makeup on their eyes. It's super scary, like something the Joker would come up with. Casey introduces Alice Cooper, and he comes up out of the ground dressed like an idiot, spinning around a magical walking stick while the dead children are suffered unto him.
This happens to every reality show, and the trick is to stop watching it the second it happens, so that you don't end up trashy by the Commutative Property. Like okay, ANTM, it was when they brought back that girl with the clown-wig hair so she would fight with everybody, including another girl they also brought on just to act ghetto -- who poured beer in the girl's weave or had beer poured in her own weave, I forget -- but either way that's when you stop watching. The Real World, they faked you out with the Dan/Flora conflict but then reeled you back in with Lyme disease in Seattle, so it actually ended up being Ruthie that ruined everything for good. Big Brother -- which I still haven't kicked, to be honest -- it was the Donatos, followed by that summer edition with all the retards. (It happens with scripted shows, too -- Breaking Bad has gone there and come back so many times I just gave up -- but generally those follow a different arc.) I don't know why this happens, but it always happens, unless you're on VH1 or the show involves prostituting yourself to a rich bachelor, where it already started out trashy and you shouldn't be watching it in the first place. In any case, you gotta flee that sinking ship because while you may think it's just striking up a friendly conversation, to somebody who knows about this ghetto slide factor you're saying things about yourself you don't wanna be saying.
Big Mike, crowd clapping along the second the song starts, sings "Takin' It To The Streets" with a maximum amount of church faces, and then brings out Michael McDonald, who looks like the Colonel of Chicken now but sounds like he always sounds. I love how we're having Mike sing soul music... But it's Michael McDonald. You know what I mean? Isn't that perfect? And you know Randy Jackson is like, "That's exactly what I was picturing."
The judges are beyond bored. Then things get worse and Dane Cook comes out. He looks orange and skinny and he only makes that one face he makes, that you want to stab? He's playing the guitar and doing some kind of roast about the tight t-shirts and the... Whatever. Is Dane Cook still a thing? I feel like if there's anybody who likes Dane Cook they're acting contrary to hide the fact of their real secret love, like with Dave Matthews. I don't even have a particular problem with Dane Cook, in the same way that it's impossible to have a serious problem with the guy who does your lawn. He's just a guy.
Ricky Gervais shows up to say farewell to good friend Simon Cowell, via satellite from his house like a mile away. I looove Ricky Gervais. I don't like The Office because it makes me nervous and I don't really get Extras, but have you seen his show where they discuss monkeys on the radio? It is so, so good. I am in love with Karl Pilkington, he's a genius. Ricky gets very sincere for about five seconds about how awesome Simon is, and then starts talking about how he could be a lap-dancer and going through his garbage for spare money and whatever. For British people my understanding is that that was, like, most of a love affair.
Lee sings "I Can't Go For That" because he is, and this show is, all about relevance. Andrew Garcia... I can't go for that. No can do. I could go for some Tim Urban in tiny pants bumping into Big Mike like he's blind, though. And I could go zooming past Casey singing "Maneater," because how boring is this? Are we really going to have to deal with Hall and Oates? Are they still alive? Also, the moves of the Top 12 boys are like, hopping and moseying. Mosey, stop, and hop. Then Hall or Oates gives us a disinterested performance of some other damn song. I saw Hall or Oates on American Idol and his hair looked perfect.
Hey, who's old and still grasping at attention on a Wednesday night? Around five or six PM, California time? Let's just call them and make some medley magic. Does anybody know Madonna? Tell her we got Tim Urban and he still looks hot as hell.
The unnamed person reporting from Toledo is Janell Wheeler, whose name I remember as a person I liked, but looking at that face? I don't know that I have ever seen that girl. Clearly very memorable. Let's talk to Crystal's dad, who is dressed like a physics teacher in an all-leather outfit and a ponytail. Do you have anything to say, Crystal's weird dad? Nope? Cool, cool. Rest those dogs, man.
Then Crystal comes out singing "Ironic," which is... Yeah, she can duet with Alanis, I don't mind that. And the backup singers rock it. But what a boring, dumb song. Like every song on this album was a single! You can't manage to... Oh. Look, Alanis! It's Alanis! Singing "You Oughtta Know" with Crystal Bowersox. My inner sixteen-year-old is very excited, but also very confused. These are the songs you bring to the table with these two? Crystal Bowersox singing Glen Ballard rockouts? Here's a list of successful singles, off the top of my head, that Crystal could have rocked: "Thank U." "Head Over Feet," even. "Uninvited," as boring as that song is. "Hands Clean," though? That would be amazing! I just don't get what these two particular songs have to do with Crystal. I barely get what she has to do with Alanis, but I could get there. Whatever, hot mess show.
Lee joins Chicago -- are they just sandbagging him at this point? -- to sing "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?" with his dead-eyed fucked up pronunciations. An elderly insurance adjuster takes over for him after a while and the band attempts to sing backup, and it's awful. Then it goes to some man that I thought was Peter Cetera somehow looking hot for the first time in his life but is maybe a man named Keith, singing "If You Leave Me Now," my very favorite, and then after like two seconds of Lee stupidly mouthing the words along with the mysterious hot guy, they go to that totally stressful song about the "twenty-five or six to four" or whatever, those numbers that keep coming at you and make you feel like you're on all the drugs.
I cannot handle that song at all, so we're jumping ahead. Matt Rogers is on location in Illinois, and frankly I don't know what I ever saw in him. I'm over it and I hope he shuts up forever. Time for more weird memory-clips about Simon, including all the times they pretended he and Paula were fucking but he was really just flirting with himself. Then we see a bunch of trannies and Bikini Kill and just barely touch on the fact that mostly he's into big beautiful black girls. Simon and Ellen flirting, Simon touching his chest a whole lot, tuning his nipples to old-timey radio stations, Ryan admitting what a flirt Simon is, and then Simon in bed with Randy, and it's so boring and dumb, and then Ryan draws allusions to "Summertime" and "A Moment Like This" and "Mad World," which means we're... Yep, "Pants On The Ground." Fuck that. Oh, and William Hung too? We're done here. How embarrassing for everyone. How validating for the terrorists.
Paula videos about her time with Simon somewhat cogently -- well, for her -- and she thanks him for teaching her to be strong, and it ends up being really sweet. Then she appears onstage, looking actually really beautiful, and Simon is touched. She thanks the crowd, in her pink bubble-skirt dress, and reads off a teleprompter as poorly as she ever did, tosses some kind of lame gay joke Ryan's way, and then refuses to talk to Simon, and leaves gracefully.
Just kidding, she totally goes into some nutsacky Catskills routine about why she really left, which is apparently that Simon knocked her up, and the whole time she does this weird stork-kicking walk back and forth across the stage. It's supremely uncomfortable. Then she fake-emotes at Simon in this weird broken unconnected way as she explains... Oh, fuck it, I have no idea what she's talking about. She is so fucking nuts. You can tell she really feels whatever the hell it is that she's trying to communicate, and I guess that's what matters. Long montage of Simon, and we're done. I want to miss Simon and remember him in my own way. I don't need Paula for much, but I certainly don't need Paula for this.
Kelly comes out looking sorta crazy, and is joined by Ruben and Fantasia, and then Carrie, Jordan and Taylor and Kris each take a line of the boring unknown song about how I guess Simon made them out of the clay and blew the breath of life into their lungs and they have become something very special. It's so weird how Taylor looks good all the time and then you remember. Then like everybody ever comes onstage. Blake and Ace and Justin and Kim and Archuleta and that little girl from Hawaii and, um... Shermy and Ringo and Squeaky and Harpo and Katniss and Sneezy and Polonius and Catalano and Renesmee and Xander and Holden and Rudyard and Pennywise and Balthazar. Just everybody!
Ryan summons Simon up to the stage, making him wicked uncomfortable, and Paula brings him up there in her weird prom dress, and he shakes Ryan's hand, is totally sweet with Paula, thanks all of us a few times, reminds us that they are not actually "judges" in any way, and has a little moment with Ryan but not really what we deserve, and Ryan goes in for a third hug but Paula's cockblocking him and we're going to commercial anyway.
Green lasers and Siobhan starts it up with some song about how they'll never fall in love with you again, and then crazy-ass Janet Jackson comes out in some kind of bizarre dress and looking sort of bald. They are just dying to see her, that's nice to see, and her ass is doing something new with itself. She sounds the same as she always does, heading into some other song I also do not know that has a lot of words and sounds like most of her and Michael's many other breathy-whispery songs. She sounds more like her brother every year, with her pointy elf ears.
Man, she is going to be gorgeous when she is a hundred years old. That's nice to think about. Especially while she's singing this one verse of this song over and over and over. Is this a single? I don't know that this will do great. Then things go a little crazy and it heads into a sort of scary bass-heavy rendition of... Technically it's "Nasty Boys," but it seems to involve a lot riffs and sounds from other songs in that era. She does a dance with scary faceless newsies and droogs that are I guess the nasty boys, and once again there's a sort of creepiness to the proceedings that make we wonder if 2010 is just going to be haunted and dark all year, because I can't handle it if that's the case. She's always had a kind of Cabaret S&M thing going on, but I always thought that had to do with their family and growing up in a warzone. Maybe that's all of us now. Well, one of them is wearing tube socks, which is fun, and her ass is doing its own separate dance, and then they all take off their shirts and do a humping dance, so I guess all is not lost.