Jackson loved Crystal and thought it was dope. It was, it was so dope. Ellen finds her incredibly compelling onstage, which she is. Kara loved it both times she sang, and does in fact talk about the fire in the belly and how that song tells us all about Bowersox as an artist. Simon is reminded of when we fell in love with her, and informs her we are willing to forgive her for sucking so bad the last month of this show. I'm willing to cosign that, but only because I would like to see somebody awesome win this show, and Lee is great, but he's not awesome. What is the point of Lee winning against Bowersox when Kris already won last year? (I totally forgot Kris won until I was writing that sentence.)
Okay now it's Fuller's Choice: "Everybody Hurts," for Lee. Good Lord! What is it like, inside an old man's head? Lee spends more time on ornamenting his phrases and pronouncing words weird than he does actually hitting the notes, which is what you get when you ask a sweet little newbie like him to show more energy: A bunch of tics without the basics to hold them up. It's the didgeridoo/bagpipes thing all over again. Stop being Crystal and start being Lee! You are 0 for 2!
They wrap it up with a delirious gospel orgasm and pretend that it was meaningful, but Jackson was certainly fooled. Ellen agrees that he was pitchy, but has decided that doesn't matter, and asks him once again to commit. Kara calls him "emotionally accessible" and says that his crappy singing is a total virtue. Simon liked the song choice, and also doesn't seem to have a problem with the fact that he didn't sing well, but asks him -- since there's only one round left -- to please like fucking try, like just one time. Lee is like, "Why would I do that?" He doesn't say it, but it's in his eyes: The cheering is louder than the talking of the Judgery, and we've lost him. Girl, they all four of them just told you that you sang bad. This is remedial shit, and yet somehow they've all got you worried about what to wear to your AP exam.
Actually I bet you that Fuller will pick the Righteous Brothers for Crystal, just because it's Simon's last week, and because she can rock it hardcore. That's what I would do. She's got range, and can sing, which are two advantages she's got. But it'll probably be something that sort of makes sense but not really, like "Black Velvet." Which she would also rock, come to think of it. Basically I am excited about Crystal singing a song she didn't choose herself, because I hate every song she chooses herself. She's like the one person that actually was ever serviced by the theme nights, because her tastes are so variously awful.
Luckily, we won't have to: Over shots of American flags and various young gay and mentally retarded auditioners, leading up through the Top 24, who assemble onstage, the little blonde homosexual chipmunk that won Pop Idol back in 1985 sings some kind of song about leaving, entirely through his nose. He has turned into an eerie doppelganger of Ryan Seacrest, but then, that's inevitable. Perhaps for us all.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see our suggestions for who should replace Simon!
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.