Randy tells them to "leave everything on the floor," and tells them that this is a "duel." I wish somebody had told me that once, I'd probably really have taken it to heart and would be a huge success now. Paula... leaves something on the floor, basically. Simon tells them to hate each other and strive to destroy one another, because he is awesome. Ryan asks if they want to make out, and Archuleta... does... so he talks about how great Cook is. And then, God forbid, Cook realizes that this stupid trite setup has no answers that are not also trite, because guess what, Cookie? You're on fucking American Idol. Trite is now your entire wheelhouse.
But so instead of doing anything "trite," Cook shrugs insecurely like a billion times and mugs for the audience and holds up his palm, on which he has written "Be Yourself" or something, while Archuleta shivers and quakes and looks completely blank in every way. My conflicted feelings about the Davids have not gone unnoticed, but check it: If you smashed them together like in The Dark Crystal, you'd get Ryan Seacrest, my favorite thing in the whole world. So maybe I should think about that, and stop being so angry.
...Except the thing that happens is a commercial break, meaning a break from the commercial that is this show to other commercials for other shows, and I mean: nothing has even happened yet. They even do the coin flip in secrecy now because of that time Ryan fucked up and went running around the stage like he was chasing geese on a field trip to a farm.
Clive Davis. Still looks like Darth Sidious, but has a kindly smile. More boxing bullshit, more elderly stuff that neither of them are listening to, one David licks his lips a whole lot of times, the other stares at Clive trying to seem agreeable and respectful but in fact comes off as jerky and arrogant. Which is which? Also very gross and not really exaggerated: Andrew Lloyd Webber basically sniffs Archuleta's little boxers. I guess that's the only footage they had, probably because Cook knows enough now to stay too far away from him for a two-shot.
You know what's so timely and relevant? The Joshua Tree. Which came out when Archuleta was not even a dull little glimmer in his cute parents' chaste eyeballs. So of course, Clive has picked "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" for Cook. Which he is in turn, of course, totally going to rock. Dammit.
And it's not like I desperately want Archuleta to win. I mean, this is my last recap of the season, and I've never really cared to shield you from my biases before this point, but I kind of hate David Archuleta. I mean, there it is. I don't feel good about it and I don't have a well-thought-out reasoning behind it. But I look at him and I see a wheezy little hobgoblin who is going to reach forty without ever having a single thought or making a single choice about anything. And at seventeen I think it's a draw, but how old do you have to be before that becomes your problem? Eight? The Church says eight years old is how old you have to be to make your own decisions. I think that's pushing it, but then I've met some scary 8-year-olds.
Randy tells him he finally peaked, and Paula has an emotional breakdown of sorts, and tells him he loves the whole world through his singing and whatever, it stops making sense at some early point, Simon calls her overexcited and tells him he was "okay" last week but tonight was arguably the best he has ever sung in his entire short existence. Which is... not even true. What? "Round One goes to Archuleta." No, it doesn't. What is going on with Simon? That's weird. He seems kind of disgusted to have said it. Ryan makes fun of DA for crying, and DA continues to cry. I want to do one of those tests where you show him a bunch of pictures of like fruit and animals and consumer products really fast and then ask him to make a list of all the things he saw. I don't think he would score very highly on that test. I don't know what he uses his cute little brain for.
Round Two, contestant's choice, more boring boxing talk. I bet DC is going to fuck this one up! He makes such great choices usually because he has good taste most of the time. And maybe DA will do another Chris Brown freak show. That would be exciting. There's more talking to Andrew Lloyd Webber and the boxing man. I don't know why either of them are here. Clive Davis isn't even talking anymore, just this croaking sound like a house settling and then they go, "Thank you, I will." No matter what he was saying. They don't know, it's just croaking. He doesn't know, because he's out of his damn mind. But they're still grateful for his input.
David Cook sings... Wow, this is shitty. This seems like the kind of thing that I would like, because it is about having hopes or something. "Dream Big." It's a rock song. Of sorts. It's kind of like if DA and Alanis Morrisette got together and wrote a song about having hopes, and then Switchfoot turned it into a rock song. Maybe this comes on Christian radio or something? David, you've pulled a lot of crap on my watch, but never that.
Randy is amazed because he hit the notes and sang his face off; Paula: "A song in your heart, a guitar in your hand, applesauce in my tummy, a purple dragon on my tummy, little puppies with tummies, a little boat." Simon says it wasn't that awesome, and Paula says that yes, he won't win with that song. Because it was kind of ridiculously cheesy and earnest in a fake silly way, and Ryan is like, "Do you want to make stupid faces and mug for the camera?" And he's like, "I was just thinking that."
"In This Moment," by David Archuleta. Wait, are these the songwriting competition songs? Oh, no wonder that other one sucked so bad. I thought it was a real song. I'm going to go back and... No, that still sucks. What's sad is that the DA one is actually better. It's got a better melody and even though the words are super smurfy it's still... better. And he sounds better than Cook did with that other song. David Archuleta! I have never preferred you over another person! David Cook! I always prefer you to other people! What will the judgery say? Their lies are turning true right before your eyes!
Randy says the song sucked but he did great, and could sing the phone book if he wanted. Thanks, Jackson. The money you pay for cheeseburgers in a month is my rent. Paula does more bullshit stuff, and Simon tells him the song choice was better, and that he wins Round Two. Which I have to agree with, as much as it pains me. It seems to pain DA too, because he looks like he's going to cry and pee and barf all at the same time. That would be even better than a cage match.
Okay so now they do contestant's choice, but of actual songs? How did I not pick up on that? I was so angry at Cook for picking that lame old song! I should have trusted him more I guess. So now Clive Davis literally creaks at them like an old tree in a field that's too scary for birds to sit on, and ALW and boxing man are like, "This boxing analogy makes no sense."
David is singing "The World I Know." Not a Song I Know. He's got an acoustic guitar though and his fake-ass earnest face on, so it's going to be awesome. I can tell you that I watched the Armageddon song about fifty times. I can tell you that and not feel bad about it. Because there is a point in that song when the guitar kicks in and you realize that you are watching somebody win this show, and that's a neat moment... As of right now I am not convinced that was actually what was happening, depending on how he does here, but it felt like it at the time and it kind of still makes my tummy feel funny to think about, because how exciting for him! I think that there will always be an audience for this show because there is something very good, and right, about watching somebody get something they want. It feels good.
Oh, this is the sad clown song! Total Leery-Clifton Nuptials song! I had no idea what this song was called. Who is this, like Candlebox or something? Collective Soul. I had no idea this song was good! You just have to sing it like a person and it turns out that it is a really good song. He's such a sweet boy. I'm going to watch this part again. It's that song about the tears roll down and there's something in his eye and then he laughs at himself and there are more tears. You know what, I'm going to go listen to the other one and then listen to this one really loud. I think it was because I couldn't hear the cello or whatever, which is the whole point of this song.
...What am I doing? I'm not doing that shit, I will just watch it a couple more times instead. It's slower than the regular flavor, and his voice is a whole lot better than that guy's, and also not processed to hell like that version. I think the problem is no strings, which provides a lot of the dynamic of the real one. I cannot evaluate this on the merits except to say that his vocal choices are genius, the places where he diverges from the old song, but that's it. His voice sounds really good, though, and he does the falsetto thing at the end, which is... Oh, David Cook is crying. He totally finessed the end of that last high note because he was going to cry. That's how Kelly Clarkson fucking got me too, when I was just a little child like David Archuleta. I don't even know what to say about that. He actually looks like a human being. I've called him a lot of things but I never really thought about that part.
On review, I think he just about loses it three different times, because it is very huge, and he's very much trying to hold it together after the song. He looks incredibly young, for a man. Randy tells him it was awesome, and David keeps it together, and then Paula says that he is standing in his truth. Which sobers him up real fast, because one of us has to keep it together, lady. Simon tells him he's one of the nicest and most sincere Idols ever. He calls it a beautiful song -- which, has Simon ever used that word, ever? -- but that it was a completely wrong choice for right now. I don't know about this. Look at the guy. He looks like a normal person, he's not doing any of his weird shit or doing anything except standing there being spectacular, and somebody you would be friends with. It was a fantastic performance, and he has never been so relatable or as beautiful or actually humble and excited as he is right this second, so whatever. He's going to fuck it up in a second, I know that, because he's David Cook.
"I understand what you're saying," he admits, but he says that he didn't want to do something ("Billie Jean," "Hello") that he'd done before. Such as ... "Imagine," which Archuleta is about to do. Nice smooth dick move, Cook. Only a loser would sing some song they'd already succeeded with.
On the other hand, Archuleta can go hang because why the fuck would I ever want anybody to sing this song on this show, particularly DA with his timing issues and lip-licking and diva-glorious soaring ornamentation? He hits some fantastic notes, but it's a song that sounds new and interesting exactly once every like five years, and dumbing it down with the plodding time signature -- against which you seem bent on hurling yourself like a pigeon one warmed-over and -- only serves to make it even more warmed-over and Clay-like. Yeah, I said it.
Randy tells him that he is "exactly what this show is about." I have nothing to add to that. David Archuleta is exactly what this show is about. It's not a fucking compliment. Randy tells him he just won, weirdly, and Paula says the same, and Simon's like, "You know..." And I'm thinking about crossing my fingers, but I dunno. He says this is "one of the great Finals," true actually, and what we just saw was a KO. I can't even judge it because I hate the song, which usually there's a workaround, except I hate the song because I love the song and I know David Archuleta and Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson love the song for exactly opposite reasons than I do, and it's all just too complicated to worry about. This isn't about singing.