By Joe R
In three seasons of recapping this insane circus of a show, this is my first time covering the ultimate circus that is the grand finale. I'm very curious to see how this will go! Not in a Cook v. Archuleta way (though I have managed to work up something of a stake in the outcome), but in a "Will Prince show up and sing that 'I Am Your Brother' song to Simon?" way. The auspicious way they open the show -- Cook and Archuleta, dressed in white, facing each other in some kind of staring contest on a darkened stage -- makes me think we may have the most gaudy, insane finale yet. Fingers crossed.
Ryan greets the crowd, which includes the ever-available Holly Robinson Peete and the Poor Man's Carol Potter (...yikes) Lori Loughlin, and runs through the usual "biggest, bestest, most finalest results show EVER" stuff. He says that there were more votes cast last night than the populations of Canada, Spain, Portugual, Pakistan, Liberia, and the Federated States of Miconesia, like that says something good about the crazy a-holes who vote for this show. He also breaks down the voting percentage margin as 56-44, which doesn't tell me as much as I thought it might. He introduces the judges, two of whom are decked out in Coca-Cola red while the other is in black. Guess. Randy's also rocking an ascot, which I guess is in memory of Michael Johns, so he must be one of those people. I do not understand those people.
Anyway, they hauled Mikalah Gordon out of Tyra's mothballs so she could "report" on the crazy David Cook rally in Kansas City. She's dressed up like Beyonce playing Cleopatra. People scream. Then Matt Rogers (whose season I didn't watch, so I have no opinion on him besides that he seems to really want to be on the show, like, all the time) "reports" from Salt Lake City, where all of Rulon Jeffs's wives scream their asses off for David Archuleta. Matt Rogers appears to be flirting with a heart attack. Stay tuned!
Then it really gets going, with the Top 12 singing while the So You Think You Can Dancers dance. See, now that I've actually caught some of the reruns of that show, I can recognize them and squeal appropriately. No, I'm kidding, I totally wouldn't -- PASHA! YEAH! The Idols sing, I guess, and everybody's dressed in white but LAUREN!! You've heard "Get Ready" before, so I don't really have to explain much. I should point out that Janice Dickinson is in the audience, blowing kisses to the stage and shouting "I Love You!" And, look, I know I joked all season about various people kidnapping David A. and raising him as their own and how much better that would be for him, but seriously, somebody better take him backstage and lock him in his dressing room. If Janice is still the same Top Model judge with whose opinion I unwaveringly agreed, she's probably just screeching at Pasha, but better safe than sorry.
Jordin Sparks takes a break from sewing her vocal chords back together or whatever to plug the Idol attraction at Disney World. Everybody who had Jordin at Disney World within a year of her winning last year can pick up their last-minute winnings with Ryan at the door.
David Cook then takes the stage and performs "Sharp-Dressed Man" with ZZ Top which makes zero kind of sense at all, unless you're like Ryan and Simon and Clive Davis and think all guitar music is the same. David fits in well enough with the band, though, and dutifully strums along while the real guitarists play for a while. I'm pretty sure Paula stands and claps for the whole song, so, you know. The uppers kicked in. Mikalah reports from K.C. and interviews David's music teacher, who I'm pretty sure alludes to a torrid love affair between them, and then Mikalah tries to convince her to shake her chest at the camera. I made very little of that sentence up.
Brooke White performs with...Graham Nash. Yes, "Teach Your Children Well" fits perfectly into the Brooke wheelhouse, but were Carole King and/or Carly Simon really too busy? Maybe they hate the show? It's tough to rationalize. Anyway, Brooke realizes her ultimate destiny of playing acoustic guitar while footage of children plays behind her.
So the Jonas Brothers are up , and I know even less about them than I know about Hannah Montana, about whom I only learned, like, six months ago was Billy Ray Cyrus's kid. You could tell me that the Jonas Brothers were comprised of Drake & Josh and Zach & Cody and I'd totally believe you, because I know the names but have no idea where to put them, in my brain. So in order to familiarize myself with this band who, let's face it, will be the first trio ever elected President of the United States by 2012 (Constitution, schmonstitution, the tweens shall have their say), I've turned to my most valuable touchstone for this kind of thing: my sixteen-year-old sister Emily. This paragraph is hers:
"Probably every Jonas Brothers fan in creation had their noses pressed against their television screens trying to get as close as they could to the platinum-selling teen trio. Ryan Seacrest, wedged in the crowd of screaming girls (you cold totally tell he wanted to freak out as much as they were), introduced the 'JoBros' fairly abruptly, saying, 'They need no intro...' But when you're in a pit of screaming teenage girls, you've gotta give them what they want and quick, before someone pokes an eye out. They boys sing 'S.O.S.,' which was their first hit off their sophomore album, Jonas Brothers. They feed off the energy from the highly enthusiastic crowd. This song, if you could actually hear the words over the high-frequency screeching, is about what all teen-pop songs are about: a broken heart and how it can never be fixed. Oddly enough, my mom knew all the words. ["Dude, busted, Mom." -- Joe R] I guess after the 500th time hearing it blast out of my room over the summer it rubbed off on her. Yes, I am a HUGE Jonas Brothers fan. Embrace it. Fear it. Okay, back to the performance... with Nick and Kevin Jonas on their guitars and middle-man Joe Jonas with tambourine in hand, the electricity surged through the Nokia Theater. The super-cute Jonas Brothers killed their hit, as always, finishing it off with their three-part fade-out. Once the camera turned away and no Hottie McJonas was in sight ["Oh, Emily, really?" -- Joe R], every girl could breathe again... and text all of their girlfriends about how amazing the Jonas Brothers were. I probably got about six text messages from my friends telling me to turn on American Idol. Did they really think that I didn't know they my favorite band of all time ["I considered cutting this part out but am leaving it in so we can all read it in ten years and share a hearty chuckle. Because at 16, I would've written the same thing... about Bush. So... yeah." -- Joe R] would be on American Idol? I mean, really. But anyhoo... the Jonas Brothers gave an excellent performance, and we should not be expecting the boys to be leaving any time soon; we have some talent on our hands."
This show went five full minutes past the DVR cut-off. Remember things like the segment when that happens.
Carrie Underwood shows up to remind us all what it's like to have a successful winner of this show. She is also wearing the overcoat version of Stephanie Seymour's wedding dress from the "November Rain" video. I have to say, it's so much fun to watch people who you know are normally right-thinking, rational, celebrities get dressed all crunk like this. For someone like Bai Ling, this is a trip to the corner deli, but for Carrie this is like the best Halloween ever. Love it. Anyway, she sings her song about hooking up with a dude and not knowing his last name (right?), and she is as awesome as she always is when she shows up here. She's really grown into Simon's prediction that she'd be the best of the best. Kelly's still my favorite, but Carrie's giving her a serious run.
Commercials. I have to tell you, Pacey or not, Fringe looks effing awesome.
"For the last time," promises Ryan, here are the Top 12, busting out a George Michael medley. KLC starts us off on "Faith," moving on to Carly, Ramiele, and Syesha. Overmyer? Could still give a shit. Christ, she should've stayed home and let Danny Noriega take her place. Tell me that wouldn't have ruled. The mic levels are going super crazy in order to preserve the illusion of harmony, and it only gets weirder when all six guys bust out "Father Figure." And, of course, Michael Johns starts us off, but they're all kind of the same degree of creeping smarm, are they not? Except for Archie, of course, and Jason Castro, who manages to make "Father Figure" sound damn near sweet. How does he do that? "Freedom" is , and Young David gets the "heaven knows I was just a young boy," part, because this show is so desperately literal. The mic levels go haywire once more as the vocals get passed around the stage seemingly at random.
And then? Effing George Michael shows up. It's not Prince, but it'll do. Eli Stone has totally renewed my faith in this guy. Paula... has Paula sat down once all night? Lady is flying. So GM sings "Praying For Time" and everybody swoons and Jonny Lee Miller has visions and a fake sun sets on TV and I remember how awesome Carrie was on this song during "Idol Gives Back" and Paula cries and the Idol producers pray for time because there is no way this show is landing on schedule. Seriously, though, George Michael is stellar.
After the last set of commercials (at 9:53), Ryan's onstage with the Davids. One will win, the other will lose. While Randy and Paula blather on, I should mention that of course I want David Cook to win because he's my favorite and has been my favorite since semi-finals. Probably won't go out and buy the album, definitely will show some iTunes love when warranted, really hope he'll end up releasing a live version of "Always Be My Baby" because I really hate the way the studio version scrubbed the edges off... I'd just like to see him win. And no, I'm not a fan of David A., but I'm kind of thinking of his best interests when I say I hope he loses. The runners-up have always gotten record deals out of this show, but they've also always experienced some degree of reduced pressure -- and also scrutiny if and when their album flops. And if that happens to David A., I'd rather that happen in a quiet, DeGarmo way rather than a loud, Taylor Hicks way. It's a lot to expect of a kid his age, maturity level, and limited vocabulary. Better he be allowed to find his way with a slightly smaller spotlight on him.
Anyway, Paula and Randy are done, so it's on to Simon. Ryan has the balls to suggest that Simon's been "hard" on both Davids from time to time this season, despite the fact that Simon has blown sunshine out of his ass almost every week for both of them, only rarely pausing for the occasional wrist-slap. That's ludicrous. Regardless, it's a setup for Simon to apologize to David Cook for being such a shit about the song choice thing last night. Considering he managed to criticize David for choosing one shitty coronation song option out of many shitty coronation song options, I'd say I agree he was kind of a dick. Not sure if an apology was necessary, but I respect Simon's wishes to cover his ass seconds before he'll be proved wrong. He does say that for the first time ever (after heavily backing five winners and only one runner-up), he truly has no preference as to who wins, as they're both awesome. Strangely, I believe him.
So Ryan gets the envelope from the Price-Waterhouse guy (question: is this the closest Ryan will ever come to hosting the Oscars, or is that his inevitable destiny as well?), then hushes the crowd for the big announcement. The winner of American Idol 2008 is... David Cook. Awesome.
And then the DVRs across America cut out. Slow claps all around, guys. Two hours of NOTHING BUT FILLER and you go over by five minutes and don't even allot for it. Fortunately, I managed to cut to live TV for the announcement and was able to hit record on the "FOX 5 News" so I missed about ten seconds, but for anyone who was out having a life tonight (or time-delaying to skip the commercials), here's what you missed:
Tears! Oh, there are tears. Archuleta takes it like a total pro, it should be noted. Cook is doubled over trying to regain his composure, but the floodgates are open. His mom sneaks up onstage (seriously, it's like turn around and she's there!) as does his brother, who David loudly claims is at "fault" for this whole thing. Camryn Manheim? Is PSYCHED! Simon's smiling a mile wide and he and Paula make out for a bit. Kansas City flips out, and Mikalah and David's music teacher make out for a bit. David stops crying long enough to remind us one last time that he's the Word Nerd (sorry, Jacob) and hugs everybody he can find.
The coronation song is neither "WHOA, Dream Big!" nor the one Archuleta sang last night. It's called "Joe R Totally Doesn't Care," and it's about rainbows that are magical, among many other things. Big David keeps throwing an arm around Little David, which is sweet/calculating, depending on how you feel about him. His brother is seriously weeping. You know, for a terrible song, David sings it well. His eyes are glassy, but he only goes to the Clarkson place a tiny bit. He leads the Top 12 to the judges table to bring it home in front of the fans. Sure hope the fans can see with all that tickertape in their eyes.