is three different groups sucking/forgetting the words all at the same time. Maryn Azoff is possibly pregnant, possibly a joke on us starring Amy Poehler, and never does get around to singing with her broken-armed self. Austin Sisneros forgets the lyrics to a ridiculous degree, so he's out. Aww. And whew. A high-schooler, a possible relative of Dakota and Elle Fanning, and the second coming of Charo all forget the lyrics to horrible harmony. Who gets through? Fucking Eyebrows Nuñez and Performin' Norman.
More Action Squad practicing, their choreography fighting last night, constant screaming of their team name, and basic disinterest in the singing part of the singing competition. Emily acted annoying some more. At least they're doing "Don't Stop." First up is Alex, the gawky 19-year-old from Phoenix with the smooth but slightly nasal voice. His hair used to be creepy and fluffy until the Glam Squad calmed it down. Ryan Pinkston is this gigantic wedding singer with a stupid hat and a sort of When Smokey Sings vibe happening: TMTH personified. In back, Emily dances like a tattooed underage beauty pageant contestant.
The chorus -- which is pretty horribly harmonized -- still serves mostly as a platter on which to serve Anne Marie "Parking Lot Makeover" Boskavich's lovely voice. Watching Alex do this choreography is at least as wonderful as watching the faces he makes when he sings; sadly, they start folding on the lyrics heading into the second verse. Instead of covering for it or doing anything to help, Emily just starts yelling the lyrics they should be singing into her own microphone. She's so dumb I can't see this as a deliberate sandbag, and she probably feels very professional doing it, but there are about a million ways of helping people out that don't involve drawing that much attention to the issue. Whatever, I just want her gone. Hollywood is my Edward, and Emily's the Rosalie.
But then, soft, a ray of sunlight: Emily's truly horrible singing is the cherry on top of the delicious schadenfreude sundae Kara has found this entire awful fracas. They ask Alex to step back, and then Anne Marie, and just in case you were thinking this show had no reason for existing: that's it. Emily and Pinkston are gone. Forever! As soon as Emily's done crying and talking about herself forever and ever and ever. Then Pinkston -- who is a lot better looking when he's not making sing faces -- gives an awesome speech: "I feel... I feel manipulated and insulted. I feel like I've seen a side of Paula that I didn't know was there. I saw an evil in her eyes." Changed my mind, I love that guy. ["But did the producers really need to show Paula looking stern and then putting bright red laser eyes on her? I mean, just showing her not smiling would have been enough to prove their point. Seems like someone was just bored in the editing room." -- Angel]
Mid-afternoon, and the emotional bell is tolling for Rose. Also for Simon, who is convinced everyone is terrible. "That was an absolute, total mess!" he tells one group; another is termed a "succession of horrors." He threatens to quit, and summons a truckload of Advil. Paula calls him an asshole after one bitchy aside. Who will save them? Cue Danny Gokey's group, who will be singing "Somebody To Love" a capella, and it's totally awesome. Once again, you don't really notice how much death and dying there is in pop music.
Also fabulous on Team Gokey are Jamar, and the twirly wiles of a girl named Taylor. They are awesome, and they love to hug. I don't know the other girl, but she seems nice. She's like a brunette Brooke, with a giant scarf. Simon puts Danny through, and then after a long, long pause, the other three. Paula's so struck by the suspense that she actually goes, "Good one," when he finally tells them the verdict. Which she already knows. The music gets soft-hearted, and the crowd goes wild.
Then a bunch of groups are dunked. Jeremy Michael Sarver, whose names are constantly changing but whose roughneck hotness goes unchanged, steps up; Adam Lambert does his whole amazing thing, with that fake black hair and horrible skin; Matt "Certain Kind Of Porn" Breitzke rocks; his teammate Jesse Langseth does some awesome stuff; more Lambert with his entire crazy wonderland of weirdness; and both groups do well. I only recognize a few people, but I really like that Jesse girl. And Lambert, as long as he stays totally weird. And learns about exfoliation, stat.
up: Rose and Bikini Kill stealing focus from Team Diva's backbone of talented girls who are just content to sing awesome. Lauren starts up looking awesome and singing wonderfully, then Bikini Kill does a pretty good job, if outshined by everybody else, and then Rose forgets the words but covers well and goes on to rock out, amazing everybody, and Jasmine completes the group. I can't believe these girls pulled it together. They sound amazing, both as a group and individually, but Simon can tell they didn't rehearse together. He forces Lauren to name names, and Bikini Kill offers as her alibi that she wears high heels sometimes. Then she adds scoliosis to the mix, and Simon explains that she is a jackass and is to blame for what happened. But also, WTF is wrong with you that even your body is like, "We can do better than heels and a bikini" and you still ignore it for the siren's song of your inner hobag?
Kara calls Lauren forward, then Bikini Kill. BK acts like a jackass some more, and Kara can't help but call attention to how gross she is. Then Rose comes forward, and all three of them get dissed. Jasmine is the only one to go through. That's pretty awesome. BK wanders away ignoring the other girls, and Paula is finally horrified by how gross BK is. Kara's like, "Once again, she is a bitch." Simon's like, "Yeah, she'll go far." In the exit interview, Lauren explains that BK is trash and always will be, and BK tells us that this is because they are haters. One last hug, and BK calls them fake bitches, and Rose just about collapses from how retarded BK is, and wanders off hating them all to the end. I loved Rose, but I am not sorry to see her go; it's like a weight off my heels, that.
Ryan muses about how once, the Golden Ticket meant promise and hope, but now? Only tears and what could have been. Emily cries some more; the Osmond is pointless some more; Austin heads back to kindergarten after a mauling from the Abdul; a blonde crazy-eyed girl checks out. There are two groups left, neither of which are all that heartening. Ryan asks Kristin who's to blame for the drama of Team Compromised, and she says Nancy and Nate, which is two-thirds of the total answer. Nancy's immediate response -- "...Really?" -- earns her a few points, but not enough for me to care about these freaks. And then in the other corner, the scary Exorcist music of Tatiana's group:
Bad dancing, then pretty Muna whinging and goating, Tatiana sucking, and the judges finally telling them to shut up. Or course, Tatiana starts randomly singing at them, pissing everybody off -- even Randy goes, "None of that, not today" -- and then all four of them... Go through. Are you kidding me? Tatiana del Toro is the worst thing I have ever seen in my life and she keeps getting through. Ryan's like, "There are not four people here, just reflections of Tatiana." She screams her thanks to everybody from Jesus to the boom mic operator:
"Everyone everyone God everyone a part of this show... I love you so much you all make this is a part of me you are all a part of me I love you so much I will take you each and every one of you to my heart for the rest of my life thank you so much please let me through tomorrow thank you so much." Firstly, what kind of fucking dickhead narcissist do you have to be that you honestly see the world that way, after being on this earth for more than twenty minutes? And secondly: am I confused here? Did she just make it through Group Day despite her best efforts to fuck everything up for everybody, or did my DVR suddenly switch to the Grammys? She's like the Kristin Wiig character that's like, "Actually, um, I have thirteen cats? And they can sing in forty-part harmony? And I arranged a chorus of Handel's Messiah for them to sing in front of the Dalai Lama in Tibet?" The other girls are like, "Meanwhile in the real world, thank God."
And now it's time for drama without anything behind it. We remember how bad Nate sucks, and how bad they all three suck, and then Nate leads them in prayer. Ugh. Even God wants to give this dork a wedgie. I wouldn't call attention to myself if I were you, Nate. He whines at them about how their name is Compromise, and Simon zeroes in on Kristin so she can once again explain the exhausting drama of Nancy and Nate. "So you won't be having dinner tonight," he jokes, and she honestly thinks somehow that he's asking her out on a date. So scary. Too real.
Somebody needs to explain to these kids that when they say "You're going to Hollywood" they're talking only about the location, not the state of mind. Between Kristin kneeling by the casting couch on the slightest reference and Nate throwing Sunset Boulevard hissies every five seconds, it's fascinating to think what would happen if they were actually in Hollywood and not this weird fake Hollywoodland Experience the show is giving them. Chances are if you have to have your parents sign a permission slip, you're not going to be ending up screaming "Neely O'Hara!" in a back lot until at least Top 36.
They tell the judges they're singing Duffy's "Mercy," and Kara cunningly supplies them with more rope, saying they sound like they need it. Instead of laughing it off and TCB, they take the bait and all start talking about how hard life is for them some more, preemptively blaming each other for whatever fresh hell is about to ensue. I cannot even believe Tatiana got through. It keeps dropping back on my head like a little vampire girl from the trees whenever I think I've absorbed the information. Nate camps it up to the ceiling, causing the judges to laugh hysterically because gay is funny. Nancy changes keys out of nowhere and makes ugly faces, then flubs the words. Paula looks unsteady. Kristin sings horribly with her giant mouth, then does some really nice high notes, and then Nate locks it down with more mincing at the end. My spirit is broken. I feel manipulated and assaulted.
The judges talk about how much they hate each other and were singing bad backup harmonies just because they are bitches. Kristin tries to comfort Nancy, who steps away hatefully and grosses Paula out even more. All three of these jerks need to go home and pull it together. Instead, Nancy gets dunked and the other two go through. Once again, I am not happy. Nancy avoids their hugs at many junctures, and then the three of them wander around the theatre aimlessly, just like last night. Nancy says something amazing to Kristin that causes everybody to flinch, and then screams at the cameras in a loading dock. I love Nancy because it's tough to go up against the pointless Kristen and deeply tragic Nate and still come out looking slightly yuckier than they are, but if you can accomplish it, you deserve to go home for a while.