Ryan leads the frigging Brittenums back in and introduces them between performances with a sheepish but gleeful "sorry to interrupt!" And the one who quit makes yet another damned speech. "First of all I'm begging really for your forgiveness, but it's my brother, and I felt that if he was mistreated in any way..." Simon's like, "But what are you saying about yourself?" I know, right? "That I wouldn't want to resign from the show." The auditorium mostly wants them both to eat a dick at this point. "I'll tell you what and this is what I'll do. I believe that me and my brother has exemplified what it is to be a true American Idol before even hitting the stage." Simon, understandably much, much unhappy about this, tells him to shove his "hissy attitude" -- to a great burst of applause, which earns a look from the speaking twin that is over the line into schizoid, like he can't believe this Norma Ray routine, which didn't even make sense at any point, has suddenly caused all his fans and supporters and admirers in the crowd to turn on him -- and then mentions how Brittenum "resigned publicly in front of them," and that he would assume "this lot here are sick to death" of them both. "I tell you what --" interrupts the yakking twin. Simon: "I haven't finished." "But I do know this..." "I haven't finished." Brittenum grants him leave to continue, finally. "I'll decide, with Pauler and Randy, whether we want you back in this competition, in 30 minutes. I don't want to hear any more from you." Word. Why even let it go further? In what universe is the response anything whatsoever than to take a flying leap?
The somebody's mom lady that made me feel sorry for Tyra is Celeste Scalone (24, Sherman Oaks CA), she of the Chrissie Hynde hair, eyes, and voice -- except not good. Shontai Kinnik Sky (28, Duluth GA) relies a bit much on the growly soul thing. Tyra Juliette Schwartz (24, NYC) has her whole other thing that she is doing, and her voice is what I would call "surprising," very strident and cabaret-esque. Nicole Turk (22, Atlanta) was the "you got on our nerves" girl, and her bun is so tight she looks bald. Celeste, Nicole, and Shontai get through, and per Paula, "Tyra stands alone..." but then they put her through. The whole team hugs and shouts and for some reason Simon and Randy are all, "Yeah, and suddenly they're all friends again," like they're just so jaded and they've never been in a room with Paula Abdul's weird mood swings and that somehow this gives them the impression that Team Epiphany is, like, opportunistic or fake or something, when what they are is excited and proud.
It's 30 minutes later and the cowboys are practicing, and the Brittenums are back, they apologize, nobody cares, Simon thinks they're a fucking joke, which they are, and they for some reason get through. But do not fret! The cowboys come in and everybody cheers, because they love them and then they sing the "Doo-Wah Ditty" song, the only song stupider than "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch," and it is a shambles. Michael doesn't know the words and has a nice voice, but you can't really tell due to the singing over each other in an ugly fashion and the disconcertingly creepy way each of them is dancing and the fact that they all sing the song horribly. Garet's the worst, singing with his eyes closed like that little girl in Palindromes. Joe R: "Shoulda had a tracheotomy." Jacob: "And not sucked."
Simon stresses hatefully for the seeming ten minutes they sing, and Garet is so nervous, it's sickening. It's entirely a joke. Finally Simon stops them, and Paula laughs, and the crowd laughs hysterically and Matthew makes some kind of joke about how he was about to "do the hip thrusts" and maybe he'll just do those later, and Simon levels. "In a few months' time you will look back and wonder why you blew the opportunity of a lifetime by trying to be bad comedians." Michael begs to differ, like that's better, but Simon compares it to a "just ridiculous, ghastly party with drunken people trying to entertain an audience that isn't interested," which is apt. He's so angry with them! He dismisses them summarily and then Paula kisses her co-judges, narrowly missing Randy's soon-to-be-declared "luscious" lips.
Outside, Michael cries and talks totally crazy: "It makes me angry, what Simon said up there. I get it, it's only one Idol, dude. But it's America...I feel like we got that bond." I don't know what that means, but Matthew agrees, and then delivers a moving speech about how Garet is an inspiration, and they both get weepy about how much they love Garet, and then Garet tries to climb Matthew as they're all crying, apologizing for letting them down, and Matthew wraps himself around the kid and whispers quietly, "Listen, cowboy, you didn't let me down. You did the best you could." Garet is very, very small, and Matthew is very large, and both guys love Garet more than reason should allow. There then detonates a Hobbit-loving sex bomb that is completely above-board and sweet and kind and good, but also awesome to watch at home. Garet is shown leaving the hotel in a neckerchief, carrying a hat box, and yammers at the camera for awhile, and then they all walk off down the street together, probably still crying.
Room One: Gina Glockson, Tyra and Nicole Turk, the Fit Model looking sad and beautiful. Simon comes in leading the other two and when he asks if he should just tell them, Gina nods sadly. "You haven't made it. Tough." Nicole nods, the mean girl with lips is sad. "Sorry. It's-been-nice-to-meet-you." This last like a robot. Some blonde girl drops to the floor, and later she will be totally classy, and so profane her mom will apologize to the camera and get her out of there. Room Two: Brenna, Gedeon, the albino girl, Sway, Mandisa, Becky, Chris Daughtry, that guy who sang all week last week -- Patrick Hall? -- and they get through, and Chris freaks out on Paula. Simon leaves because he has a U.K. appointment but he wanted to at least tell the one room they didn't get through.
Room Three: Taylor and Megan with the Kelis hair, and Kat McPhee, and a Brittenum and Taylor Hicks. Ryan points out that being in a room with a Brittenum is bound to make you think you're screwed, because they're so awful and so clearly not going to be on the show. April Walsh is there, and Stevie, and David Radford, and Elliott. Paula looks really beautiful in this room. They get through and Taylor acts weird yet again, and April almost loses it. Paris is in there -- I missed her at first because she is bitsy. Some girl almost passes out. The Brittenum hugs Paris but doesn't really take in the triumph because he's worried about his brother. I've given up on telling them apart because they are both awful in the exact same way. Room Four: Ryan points out that they've heard cheering twice, so they know it's over. The other Brittenum, Will Makar, Kevin Covais, Kellie Pickler, Ace Young, Nick W. Randy: "We said half of you were going home; we already let one room go home." Ace is sad. Paula's like, "Not a good day for you...but anyways, congratulations!" She sing-songs the last word like when my brother John-John had his root canal and came home and explained his plan to run around the house eleven times and then write a story about, quote, "The best motherfucking elephant trainer [he] ever met." Will Makar cries, of course, and hugs Randy, and can't stop talking.
All three rooms, the 44 people, converge and have a big hugging party, and it's nice because they're so happy for each other and all, but also, from this side of the screen? Like, stop screaming. Because even in the midst of everybody's dreams coming true, Brittenum needs to interject some personal fucking drama and freak a bunch of people out, he flips and freaks about whether his stupid brother made it, and stares longingly across the crowd, waiting for someone to ask him what's going on. But they aren't going to, because they're celebrating, because it's about them, and not him, and his stupid brother. My friend Andrea: "Is he going to have a speech again?" He sees his brother and starts wailing and bawling immediately. Like I fucking care. They wade through the crowd toward each other and almost make out, but hug at the last second. Barf.
Kat McPhee tells the camera that it's all been negative so far, nobody's getting through, she's the up, but is she "the one to get a yes"? She doesn't know. She babbles and cracks her knuckles and then babbles about cracking her knuckles. Flash back to her singing "My Funny Valentine" a cappella wearing bubble gum-colored lipstick. She's so, so pretty. Randy says that her first audition was great but that Hollywood got "harrowing." She starts crying and apologizes, and they put her through. Paula stands up and reaches for her over the table like a scary doll, all straight arms and maniac smile, and Katharine kisses her right on the lips. "I just kissed Paula Abdul on the lips!" she shrieks, and twirls around. Randy tells her to kiss Simon, but not on the lips. Because he's a biter. She shivers, and then leans over and makes an adorable freaky fish face, crossed eyes, looking down with her eyelashes batting and her lips puckered up in Simon's face. He asks a producer if he can, and I don't know that it's a joke, after last year. Oh my goodness I like her. She giggles and he kisses her sweetly, and she twirls around and airplanes her arms and flies around the room like a fairy. It sounds really disingenuous but, for someone so Drama Club and generally affected, this part is okay, and she's fairly acceptable on that count anyway -- and Randy kisses her and she full-on embraces him and then pulls back: "Oh wow, those were some luscious lips everybody!" She's off the chain. She hugs him and then cannot deal with the elevator at all. Going down, she talks to the camera, relating to herself what just happened, in a way where you can tell she's practicing telling the story for when she gets downstairs. She comes out and everybody cheers and Ryan tries to ask her about it, but she remembers the kissing story from a few seconds ago. "I got to kiss them! But like, all three of them!" She tells about the luscious lips again and everybody laughs nervously.
Ryan: "Ace? Did you just ask who was the best?" Ryan sends him in to find out, and Ace is very touchy-feely with Ryan, and after Ace goes in Ryan smiles weirdly at the camera like, "Oh my God! Ace just touched me! Can you believe it?" Upstairs, as Ace waits, Ryan runs through the total ass-kissing of Ace that has been going on this whole time, which is less like reportage and more like...the total ass-kissing of Ace that has been going on this whole time. He has a very lovely voice and very affected singing and the lowest-waisted jeans of all time. He sits and smiles at them expectantly, and Randy stares at him for a while. They put him through and he flashes every single one of his forty teeth, and Simon is entranced by the salability of the guy, like, he wants to touch him and smell the money on him. "Take care, kiddo!" he calls as Ace leaves. Paula fans herself and Randy laughs, and downstairs, he is tackled by Chris Daughtry as Ryan watches, forgotten and abandoned by the Ace.
Montage, theme: nerves. There's a cool part where the piano mimics them tapping their fingers nervously on the church pew, and lots of nervousness. Melissa McGhee gets through. I don't care. She's tired and sad. Mark Adam Locklear is very good-looking, goes home. Lisa Tucker is worried because her voice was not as good on Day Four, and they show her applying good technique to a slightly shriller version of what we've heard before. Despite having at least four other sixteen-year-olds I can think of in the 44 people, Simon again goes back to how he's concerned about this particular one. The most professional and experienced person in the group. I don't get what they're trying to do with that. Downstairs, her mom tells Ryan that she's really trying to be confident, but watching all these awesome singers go home has her rattled. Lisa Tucker comes out, having gotten through, and there is a standing ovation. Mom admits that she'll be worse off than her daughter by the end of this, freak-out-wise.
David Radford hugs his awesome mom and tells us he has no idea what he's been doing right. I believe that he sings the song "The Final Countdown" in the elevator. He's so weird. Why would he even know that song? Why do I even know that song? We see him singing "Dream A Little Dream" on Day Four, with a lot of that whole obnoxious thing he does when he is singing. He made it through, and I am pleased, but come on, it's not because of the singing; it's because he's adorable and John Stevens managed to scare up a fan base from somewhere, so why not have three of them? In the elevator he growls and freaks and slides down the wall onto the floor. Enjoy Will Makar blowing you out of the sky, dude.
Sway's mom is wearing a weird fur scarf and is cute as hell, and today is his birthday, and either you like his voice or not, the actual sound of it. I do. He gets through. Elliott gets through, and is overwhelmed by emotion, and it is so sweet. Sway comes out doing that "I got cut, just kidding!" crap, and Elliott comes out crying. Aww.
Brenna tells us this story that has reached, like, mythic proportions in her mind about how she "had it out" with Simon. If you don't recall -- I didn't -- she's referring to the "double-deckah bus" issue. Still don't remember? It's stupid and boring, so don't go looking for stuff to spark your memory: we're already doing something stupid and boring. I feel really strongly that Brenna is a genius, and I hate it when it goes south like this, because the smarter you are, the crazier and more full of shit you get to be, because what, somebody's going to tell you you're wrong? Case in point: Simon tells her she's talented, but could be a "nightmare": "difficult, precocious, impossible to work with..." and her response, even though she all of those things in her sleep? "I don't believe that is possible!" He disagrees: "One hundred percent nightmare." Heh. It sinks in and he smiles: "And we therefore are going to welcome you to the Final 24. I like you, Brenna. I don't know why, but I like you." Dude, exactly! She is utterly repugnant! And yet! Randy has the second-best line of the evening: "I like you too. But because of your singing." That's like the funniest thing Randy has ever said. She comes down and Marcy claps softly and rolls her eyes, but not in a terribly bitchy way. Everybody finds Brenna so obnoxious, it's funny. Chris Daughtry is fading fast. Bucky sucks and is not happy with all the waiting when he could be out skinning roadkill for his supper or snorting the corpse of Kurt Cobain or whatever you do when you're that kind of trashy burnout backwoods-looking monster creature. Play the banjo and stare at passersby.