The judges tonight -- besides Simon, who's wearing some high-rise jeans -- are dressed like auditioners: the guy one in Mathlete cardigan, Kara wearing an evening dress well before its appointed hour, and Paula wearing the native costume of Those Auditioners That Always Love Paula Too Much: big poofy skirt, giant bow, breastplate, shoes with little Namor wings. Ryan comes bounding down the stairs under a light so bright and so big that it looks like his head has finally gone nova. I can already tell I don't have time for this shit tonight. How long until it's not two hours anymore?
Everybody's over the Influenza B, but not over Alexis' disappearance. You know what? I'm over both. The Judgery say they're not, but they are too. Kara is a little bitchy: "She's a good singer, she just picked some bad songs the last... Few.... Times." Paula and Ryan talk about how cute they look, and then are going on a date. Simon tells her to cram it and get off his man. Paula says she wants the Idols to express their artistic integrity and "switch it up" tonight.
Oh, did I mention it's Motown Night? Because yeah: What they love on this show is when you "switch up" Motown and express your integrity. Adam is probably going to sing "Ain't No Mountain" while riding a pink exploding rocket around the place. Simon's like "Well, these are really good songs, but tonight is going to suck. But you should make it original, but don't. Or not."
The Idols themselves aren't wearing too much in the way of interesting clothing. From the left, there's ... Some guy I don't recognize. Maybe he's going to help out Scott during the group sing? Wait, this is Performances. Who the eff... Oh, dang. It's Adam. That's amazing. He's wearing a fitted suit and looks like he has Stone Butch Blues, but there he is. to him is Allison, who obviously is wearing something stupid, or rather sixteen things which are stupid all at the same time. Long-sleeved shrug, utility belt made from ostrich feathers, tights as pants, whatever. I can't look directly at it. Anoop looks stylishly collegiate some more, while Danny's clothing is as nondescript -- and uniformly black -- as his soul.
Matt Giraud's wearing the "Buddy Holly" video as a costume, which is undeniably a hot choice, and Lil is wearing another of those dresses she likes. She seems to have shrunk. Scott is wearing salmon-colored pants with unfortunate fupa, but is cute from the waist up. Matt is wearing too much clothes, Kris has enlisted in the Adorable Army of Diesel, and Megan Joy looks like she's hosting a cocktail party in Chinatown 1965, which is to say dumb but cute, and possibly she is wearing hose that are not any of the usual color legs like to be.
Kara likes the vocal tricks, chest to vibrato and back again, and praises his skill set, which she is finally seeing these last two weeks. He started singing songs, and suddenly we learned he could sing. I can identify. Paula's like, "You totally sang that in front of Smokey and Barry, how crazy is that?" Simon's like, "I'm here every week," and Paula laughs and cracks back quickly that he's a legend in his own mind. She praises his technical and tender vocals as well. Simon wonders if he even enjoyed himself, because it was so deadly serious. He also calls him out on showmanship, comparing it to a musical theatre performance. Somewhere high above them, drag king Adam Lambert is like, "Oh crap."
Ryan points out that the guys are trouncing the girls because there are ten times as many, and then sings Anoop's name like "Anooo-ooo-oop baby baby," which is nice, and Anoop says nicely that the entire point -- and pretty much only option -- is to appeal to the "trying to do justice to Smokey" side of things. About which he is right, and totally did in my opinion. I'm so proud of Anoop Desai and his clothes.
Sarver works his Seacrest magic for awhile as they discuss how Megan influenzed him and he wasn't allowed to go to Motown, but hopefully that works out. He gets a little crazy-eyed about Smokey, and then we see the two of them together. He'll be singing "Ain't Too Proud To Beg," he explains, and will be "taking it back to church." Which he clarifies as "just having fun," again, and Smokey explains that he needs to pound it a little more. Then explains it again, about the "pounding." Basically, Smokey is as interested in Sarver "pounding it" as anybody should be.
Then Sarver pounds it. I mean, it's Sarver. He can pound whatever he wants, as long as he doesn't make those faces. But he's going to, and apparently it's worse when he's been encouraged to pound it. Altogether, it's much less frenetic and nervous than the last few weeks, and his voice is actually a voice instead of just a drunk man saying a bunch of words, and you know, Sarver can dance okay. It's always surprising to see a giant man dancing that fleetly. At the end he does an ill-advised thing where he says the last line several times louder and louder, and fucks it right up. He covers well by changing the rest of the melody, but it's a blot.
Paula explains that he is still not trying, and was pretty much carried by the song, and that he was unable to hit the notes without straining. Simon is like, whatevs, and she tells him he has no head for music. "It was, ah, actually I couldn't wait for it to end. You were actually screaming and shouting the song."
The problem, Simon says, is that he will never win this show, and is merely a participant. "It's a reality," he says, and tells Sarver not to listen to the audience, and says a very true thing: that hoping it's enough is not how a winner works. That's exactly what I've been thinking all along. About Sarver, but also this week in general: Tossing something acceptable down hoping that people will buy it is absolutely the most unimpressive, uninspiring thing an artist can do. (So cranky!) Sarver says some hometown bullshit backtalk like he always does, and Kara explains that this competition at this point is less about "singing" and more about artistry: doing something special and wonderful and well, instead of merely well. Sarver retreats to the loser place of "At least I've made it this far," proving he has heard nothing, and then is merely smoking hot for a while. Who are we to ask for more?
Lil is going to do "Heat Wave" in the way she does things, which is awesomely, if not incredibly original. She does talk to Smokey about the Detroit trip and the whole up-close realization that shit drastically changed in our parents' generation, and how incredible that is. Smokey's like, "It was heavy at the time also," and then talks about how in turn he was struck by this idea of the legacy that he and the other Motown artists brought about. Which: not just for music, but for the country. That's fucking intense. VH1 is all about how music changes things and whatever, but you really have to give some weight to the idea of just how much Motown changed things. I never, ever thought about that before.
Lil sings her song, dedicated to those forebears, in a dress that's actually way more interesting than it appeared: it's that kind of flapper thing, I don't know what you call it, where it's actually a lot of strands? Like a beaded curtain. They had them in Chicago. The colors are very modern, but the line -- and her hair -- are totally awesomely retro. It's hard to pay attention to the song, a little bit, but it's Lil: she does the damn thing, and then she's done. She's really good onstage; the "yeah yeah, yeah yeah" breakdown in particularly is wonderfully executed. What a star she is! That was nice.
Kara tells her this was her diva moment, and maybe didn't choose the best song. "We all know Lil can sing," she tells the haters, and then points out that this is not a melody song, not a vocalist's tune, but more like a yelling song. That's very true. It was unornamented, which is not playing to Lil's strengths. Paula disagrees with the preceding two judges and points out how Lil "owned" that song, and also pays homage to the awesome mix and match of the style, which really I think made up for the factory nature of the performance in a lot of ways.
Simon agrees that it worked as a tribute, but wasn't the "moment" that she needed: too fast, too whatever beyond the "yeah-yeah" part, authentic but not deserving of one of the best singers this year. He asks her to blow our minds, and suggests that this is not really possible with a song like that. Yes, true. Lil praises their critiques cutely, and says she's totally on the same page. She has the gift of gab, comparatively, more than other weeks. Paula notices that, and says she could be president with that amount of diplomacy and charisma ("Obama!" Lil shouts awesomely). And then Ryan says Adam is going to surprise us after the break.
How is that possible? How can Adam possibly surprise you when surprising you is all he knows how to do? Is he going to totally button it down or something? Because that sounds sort of awful. It would fit his weird Thin Blemished Duke look he's working, but I think even a buttoned-down Adam is still going to be pretty fucked up, no? We'll see. But oh! But first, Adam Lambert and Smokey Robinson dealing with each other. I'm more excited to see that than the song itself, almost. That is some intriguing shit. "I'm kind of an alien lady." "I too am an alien lady." "Let's go get some Dippin' Dots and go to a petting zoo." "I was totally thinking that. But first let's go to an upholstery store and mock the impudent fabrics." "And then build a robot!"
Adam is totally wiggy and nervous with Smokey, because he's singing "Tracks Of My Tears," which is pretty awesome to think about. Smokey's really into other people interpreting songs he's written, and says in all his hundred years of listening to people do this song, nobody has done the Adam thing to it. I am on the edge of my chair, because if Smokey Robinson is like, "Weird, but good," that's like a fractal. He cracks Adam right up trying to explain the way the song usually builds, and it's fairly adorable how he's like, "Yadda yadda, look at my face, blah blah," but not as adorable as Adam's little delighted giggle. I don't think he's smiled this sincerely since we've met him. It makes me think Smokey is not as scary as I thought he was. He says he's very proud of Adam's low-level thing, and they talk about the poetry of the song, which is sort of Dickensonian in that you don't think about the literal words, which are all about a person crying so much and for so long that you can actually see it on their face later. I never thought about that, and Adam's whoof says he didn't either, but what a sad ghostly thing.
Which is pretty much how he does it: on a stool, dressed like a dude, with a guitar player alongside. There's a falsetto section that's pretty much gorgeous, and then the "smile is my makeup" part slides up past that into Smokey territory, getting some applause, and the whole audience claps along with the song. Adam Lambert sings like an angel! I was so distracted by him waving his penis around and scaring little kids with it that I didn't even really know that. At the end he starts crying his own self, and then Smokey leads a standing ovation with tears in his eyes, and Kara makes a point of standing up too. Damn. That was amazing, I'm so glad everybody was down.
Kara calls it one of the best of the night, and praises his artistry, and Paula points out once again that he's in his own league. She loves the handsome nature of him tonight, in the suit and the Elvis hair and lack of nail polish, etc. Simon disagrees with Kara: it was the best performance of the night. Oh, I'm so happy! The whole room is sort of on fire right now, and everybody's sort of fidgety and weird -- like always -- but in this case it's because they're happy and not just because they're uncomfortably intrigued. Ryan's like, "So you win tonight, that's fun." Adam can't handle any of this, which makes it even more awesome.
However will we come down from this high? Oh, hello Danny Gokey, smarming once again into the camera like a scary uncle. That's how. I'm going to watch that whole thing again first, I have no pride at this point that would prevent me from telling you that. I wish Adam and Matt would get evicted like immediately so they could have their own show where they sing a couple of songs, and say some interesting things about stuff, and just call it a night. Ryan can come too. I never quite resolved my stuff with David Cook but I will say that without him, there would be no Adam, and so I am happy about David Cook both for his own personal awesomeness and for what he forced onto the table for this year. That is cool. Also cool: Scarfy McHotterson sitting with Adam's posse.
Danny will be singing "Get Ready," in order to get people moving. He is going to rock out on this song. Well, Smokey thinks he should not wait for the backups to sing some of the parts that they normally sing -- that Danny himself should sing, "You're all right" and "That's out of sight" and whatever -- and then there are hugs. Smokey says that he's going to do wonderfully, and I think that Smokey is right about that. Dang it.
Now, though, they talk to her. Kara gives her a giant OMG and can't believe that she was in the bottom three last week whaaat and that she sounds like she's been singing for four hundred years oh my God you can't teach that WOOO! I've never seen Kara go wild like this, that's awesome. Paula's got a mustache markered on her face now, thanks to Simon, which is the funniest thing Allison's ever seen. It might actually be the funniest thing period. That's amazing. Paula loves her edge, and can't wipe off the stache, and nearly screams, "God DAMN it," and hits Simon in the middle of her critique. Simon giggles amazingly all through his comments, which are basically that she's always been great but actually was her best ever this week. The whole time Paula's bidding for attention from anybody looking at her, with the mustache, and we're done.
Matt G took two things that are not really all about sex -- himself and the song about getting it on -- and managed to make that less true than you might think. Kris Allen did his whole thing, and was a movable feast as usual, but seems to be losing weight. Scott no longer has a place in this competition, but becomes personally cooler every week. Megan Joy never had a reason to be here, and loses ever more charm each week. Anoop is a serious contender and his voice is like a well-trained beast that will get you a beer from the fridge. Sarver is a well-trained beast that will get you a beer from the fridge. Lil was awesome in about six decades at once. Adam Lambert explained through words and pictures that he is going to be winning this shit nine weeks from tonight. Danny Gokey has a voice and a cuteness, which is just not enough, and we've officially seen all he's got to offer. And then there's Allison, who is a weird savant at being on this show.
Tomorrow: Smokey/Joss Stone, Roooooben, and one of these poor jerks gets put through the PoV torture chamber before being eliminated. Assuming Allison doesn't get dicked around again, you're looking at: Adam, Matt, Anoop and Allison for the best of the night, and Lil and Danny because they're solid and good at this. Kris and Scott are probably safe, which leaves Megan and Sarver, and I feel like I've said that ten times already and my fear is that I'll say it ten more times before we're done, and Sarver will be pounding it 'til kingdom come. For me, I'd put Scott in the bottom three with them, but I doubt that's how it'll play out. This crazy show, with such talented people! What are you thinking, Idol?