By Angel Cohn
Previously: Joan decided that she hated Annie, and the teams were tasked with pimping out Ivanka's jewelry line via a fashion show. Annie and Joan went head-to-head as opposing project managers. Melissa got all pissy because Annie was nice to Brande, then everyone decided how to earn some big bucks. Piers Morgan came in to do... something. Oh. The announcer says two people will be going home before tonight is over. Thank god. Money, money, money, money. Money!
Piers walks into the KOTU boardroom, where Clint and Herschel are interviewing models. Piers remarks about their lack of energy. Joan walks in, and Piers asks what happens if she makes it further in the competition than her daughter. Joan tells Ivanka and Piers that she'd be OK with it, unless her precious Missy gets thrown under the bus. If that happens, Joan leaves, too. Ivanka says that's bullshit and it is time for little baby Melissa to leave the nest and survive on her own.
Brande and Melissa are working together when Piers walks in, and Brande's all excited because she's his biggest fan. Kiss up. Melissa does her Brande impression, that involves her shaking her jiggling everything and giggling. Piers brings up Joan's comments and Brande's like, "Annie says the person bringing in the least dough is boardroom bound." Simple. Piers feels that's a fair strategy. Once he leaves, Melissa starts calling everyone... Brande is not blind, only blonde, and notices her sudden interest in fundraising.
Annie and Jesse are working with designers, when Phil Hellmuth (who is intimidating and cool) calls in with the info that Natalie called him begging for cash. Phil's like, "Who the eff is this person?" Annie laughs this off, but she's really pissed.
At FIT, Annie closes the door and calls the friend who gave Phil's name to Natalie and rips the guy a new one. It involves a lot of bleeping, and it is awesome. Clint and Joan hear this bitchfest through the wall and they think it is hysterical. Joan says Annie is a bad person. Melissa actually gets her forehead to move by saying that Annie went berserk. I'm so impressed that she was able to show emotion that I can't pay any attention to anyone else. Oh... it seems she just thinks Annie's jealous that she didn't think of it first. That's probably true.
Annie chases Natalie down, and Natalie just smiles. Annie says it was a nice try, Natalie says that she's bummed because she didn't get cash. Turns out Natalie was counting on the Hellmuth cash and now she might be screwed.
Less than an hour to show time, Melissa is backstage telling the models to get "their boobies up and their lipstick on." This woman is obsessed with boobies tonight. Which is irksome, because I hate typing that ridiculous word. Melissa is also whining that Annie has turned on her, but she's going to work her butt off. She wishes that she'd get some praise. Even a little pat on the head would do. Annie claims Melissa doesn't get that this competition is about money. Valid. Zoom in on Clint counting the wad of cash from his investors and Herschel's investors. They are combining their donations to buy a cheap piece and then letting the rest go to the highest bidder. This could be genius or backfire on them, not sure which. But it doesn't seem right that people donated bunches of cash and don't even get a sparkly bauble in return. IMHO.
Auction time. Annie's worried that people won't show up, but she scans the audience and some of her pals are there... including Scott Ian from Anthrax. Interesting, I wonder if he's trying to make a play to get on a future installment of this show (if there is such a thing). Brande's sugar daddy is also there, ready to bid up to a billion bucks if need be. Annie's their auctioneer and basically guilts people into bidding more. It works. She gets on her knees and begs, puts models on people laps, starts bidding wars. It's kind of a genius strategy. I'm pretty impressed.
Joan, Herschel and Clint are arguing about starting bids, they aren't thinking big like Annie from the get-go. He heads out and opens the bidding on their first item. Crickets. Why didn't they let Joan do this auction? The poor model's hand is practically shaking. Joan's going to kill herself backstage, and they move on to the item. Not a great start.
Back from commercials, where I watched the preview of Chuck and Sarah in a bed making out about eight times before I was able to convince myself to return to the dull world of Clint Black. Piers is basically laughing at KOTU's incompetence. Joan asks Natalie if they should go out and help. Isn't Joan in charge here? It's a bad sign when one of BRANDE'S donors gives Clint a pity bid. Things get worse when Clint starts making fun of The Donald. Natalie sends out their go-to piece early, the one that they've pooled their cash on to get people excited to bid. Clint flubs up by reading the wrong description. Joan jumps out and corrects him and then starts making jokes. They do well, with their preset bid. The model out is wearing a bra and underwear for some reason. Joan jumps in, grabs Herschel's mic and tells the audience that the girl is bulimic, so they shouldn't feel bad about themselves. This helps, but we don't get to see the final amounts from either team.
Boardroom time. OK. It's only about 40 minutes into this episode. If the boardroom lasts an hour and 20 minutes, I am going to start crying or drinking. Maybe both. The Donald congratulates Annie and Joan. Donald asks Athena who picked the jewelry. Annie gives the complete credit and kudos to Melissa. He wants to know who the weak players were; Annie says it would be Jesse and Melissa, because they didn't bring in cash. Piers asks Jesse why he didn't bug his wife and her rich friends for money. OMG. I can't believe that someone finally had the nerve to ask this question. It's the big elephant in the room! Jesse doesn't seem like that kind of schmoozy Hollywood guy, but I was curious to hear this. Especially since we've gone the whole season without even bringing up the fact that he HAS a famous wife. I thought it was like some secret taboo subject that he had written into his contract. Though shalt not speak of Sandra Bullock or I walk off the set. His answer is a bit dull, saying he doesn't mix business and pleasure and then proceeds to give Piers a death glare. Awesome.
Over at sinking ship KOTU, Joan says she loves her team. Ivanka wants to know why Joan wasn't out there shilling and auctioneering. Excellent question. Apparently it was her misguided way of letting everyone be involved, even if it wasn't their skill set. Ivanka said it made her look bad that people didn't bid, since the lauded Trump name was on the jewlery. Ivanka says that she's totally embarrassed, because it was a lame auction. Piers said that the will to live was sucked out of him. Joan claims she didn't mean disrespect. Clint says that they didn't have big spenders in their rolodexes that Brande and Annie have. The Donald says that Joan does, and he knows them. Then Melissa jumps in from across the other side of the room and says that Donald and Joan should have a private conversation about the mutual friends. He might be surprised which rich bigwigs have turned them down. Piers is confused why Missy is defending the leader of the opposite team. Clearly, he's not familiar with the co-dependent Rivers' women.
The Donald wants to know what Annie thinks about her teammate defending the opposing team's project manager. Joan says she doesn't care what Annie thinks. Donald does. So Joan maturely decides to stick her fingers in her ears. My 3-year-old has better manners. Annie says that it was disrespectful to Ivanka to run their auction like they did. Joan pulls her fingers out of her ears and starts yelling that it is lies. All lies! Guess her noise-reducing fingers were fallible. Annie looks shocked. Joan says that she was two-faced and talked shit about Brande. Annie looks at Brande and asks if they talked about it. They did. As it turns out. Annie explains herself and what she said in the boardroom, Melissa takes credit for it, then Joan goes on about Einstein (who is probably rolling in his grave hearing these women drag his name into this muck) and how Annie is all about looking out for number one (which I maintain is the entire purpose of this game).
It is not a good sign when Bud Light Lime is looking good to me. Annie tries to let Joan talk, then defends her poker-playing and notes that the personal attacks are sad. Joan says that Annie is only nice when she gets to the boardroom. Donald says indeed Annie does seem nice and was downright charming at the auction. Joan says that Hitler was also a nice guy. He's probably also offended at having HIS name used for comparison on this show. Piers says that Joan's comments make the bickering last season between him and Omarosa seem downright tame. Annie says she can't be that horrible if people decided to get on a plane to donate money. Herschel says that everyone he called gave cash, too. Annie insists she was only digging at Joan, not Herschel. Joan then brings up Annie's phone tirade to the guy who sold her out to help Natalie. Natalie says that she reached out to Phil Hellmuth, who Annie says is awesome in No Limit, Hold 'Em... all those years of watching World Series of Poker late at night have paid off and I actually know what she's talking about. Natalie claims she has no idea how Annie found out. Annie says that Phil called her. Piers doesn't understand why they'd tell a story that was self-defeating, since Annie won when she put a stop to it. Joan says that Annie screamed at someone and that was mean. Donald doesn't think that Annie looks like a screamer, and Melissa basically rolls her eyes. Donald again is confused at why Melissa is selling out her teammate to help her mother. Melissa says that she's not defending her mother per se, she's just being honest (she calls herself the "fact police," which is idiotic), and Annie did make a very angry phone call. Piers doesn't understand why she's sucking up to her mother. Joan tries to defend Melissa, but Melissa says she can take care of herself... interesting. Donald wants to know if Melissa thinks Annie is a bad person, after about ten minutes she says no, but that she is different from the calm person she presents in the boardroom. Ivanka asks Jesse a question about Joan and Melissa being on opposing teams, and he says this entire thing was like going to a bad family reunion.
Results. KOTU raised $92,000 profit, mostly through one piece. Athena raised $153,000 dollars, in profit. There's a little banter between Piers and Jesse when Piers forgets which country he's in. The Donald says that $245,000 is a record for this show, and it goes to Annie's charity. He throws out some other stupid stat about this being the best season of the show moneywise, or whatever. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Once dismissed, Athena heads out to the viewing room and Annie wants to know why Melissa can't call her mother off. Melissa says she tried to end it. Joan's a 76-year-old woman, and Melissa can't control her. Annie hopes that Joan gets fired.
Team KOTU has to pick their weak player. Clint says there's no one... Donald says that whoever picked the jewelry should be fired. Donald thinks Joan should have done it, since she knows jewelry, and her own daughter was well-trained. Joan starts crying when she has to figure out who should go home. Joan randomly goes on a tangent about how Herschel should marry Melissa. He could do better. Donald says Herschel raised the most cash. Joan was really funny and knew when to jump in. Clint sucked, but he wasn't the root of the problem. Natalie picked the jewelry and didn't get her rich golf friends to donate. All her friends apparently said no. She gets fired. Which actually makes sense for a change. It would have thought instead he would have said that because it was sunny today and the color yellow drives him crazy that he decided to pick Clint because once he wore a yellow tie, or something ridiculous.
Upstairs Athena is still fighting so much about the Hitler remark that they totally miss Natalie getting fired. Joan is still weeping. Big old crocodile tears, methinks. Natalie gives everyone hugs and claims she was really proud of her team. Melissa runs to the door to diffuse her mother. She tells her not to fan the flames (or at least she tries to tell her that, but there's a bunch of mixed metaphors going on). Joan says she won't, but Melissa says she's about ready to quit, so just chill the eff out. Joan TH's that Annie's not worth the energy. They go into the room, and Joan's all weepy and says that it is sad to lose a member of their terrific losing team. Annie TH's that she's upset about the personal comments, and that she hopes Joan never speaks to her again. Melissa says that the cash is going to a good cause, Annie jokes that it is the Hitler fund. Too soon.
Annie gives her check to the guy who runs Refugees International. He's sweet, and nearly passes out when he sees the amount. Cute.
The teams convene at Casa de Trump at Trump Tower. He loves food and informs the poor people watching that the economy sucks, so we're forced to eat frozen foods. He says this while standing in a gold-plated dining room that is opulent and tacky and just a disgusting display of wealth. But hey, all you losers at home can sit and enjoy some freezer-burned peas off paper plates. Or Schwan's Live Smart food. Oh God, my friend Lauren and I had the worst plane ride of all time flying with a salesman for Schwan's on his way to their national convention. Ugh. I can't even think about their products without thinking of this man. Anyway, Ivanka and Joe Kernan from "Squawk Box" will be the second person. Jesse's finally up as PM. Herschel's taking the bullet for his team because Clint and Joan just can't get along.
KOTU meets with the execs who explain their gimmick. They want something that tastes good and is unique. Athena learns that the line is convenient and healthy. They start researching their regular menu to see what sells well -- spicy Italian meatballs. Annie's pushing turkey meatballs, with gluten-free pasta. Jesse suggests cooking up three of their ideas and going with whichever tastes best. Annie and Brande are tasked with cooking. Jesse keeps Melissa with him to do marketing... so there aren't too many cooks in the kitchen.
Herschel asks if anyone will volunteer to cook. Joan doesn't go near kitchens, and Clint's not a chef. Joan says this is the task from Hell, because Melissa's first words were "room service." They look at the popular healthy items, and decide to go that way and stick in the comfort zone. Clint doesn't think it will work, and suggests something with soy sauce. Herschel seems skeptical, but he's OK with it, since he's not a meat eater and is trusting Clint. Hold the freakin' phone. I could have sworn when I was researching these people at the beginning of the season that his bio said something about him selling frozen meat products... It does! I didn't make it up. How does he run this company without having a clue what might be good? He SELLS frozen products. This is a FROZEN product challenge. This should be a slam dunk. Er... a touchdown! Whatever, I'm so confused. Ivanka comes in and assesses that KOTU is desperate for a win and hoping that this will be their ticket, and seems skeptical that her father would ever try something like soy ginger chicken. KOTU tries to cook up some dessert ideas.
At Athena, Melissa and Jesse stare at computers and ignore each other. Jesse blanks. Oh no. He's one of the few people I actually like on this show. Crap. Joe comes in and wants to know who would eat gluten-free pasta. Lots of people, actually. They have a food specialist on hand to make sure they stick with their guidelines. Annie's very fast... because she has four kids. She starts bragging about her knife skills. Then she claims she's the total woman because, and I quote, "I can cook, I raise my children, I work hard and I give a good blow job." Classy. Her husband is a lucky man.
KOTU can't use the yogurt they bought, because they can't freeze it and then thaw it like they wanted. Herschel hurts my head with some logic about how it isn't really freezing or whatever. He does say he's in the food business. Clint apparently argues too much, but he's going to shut up and let Herschel hang himself.
On to what the execs thought. Athena was great and forgot marketing. KOTU was good, but their dessert was too complicated. Schwan's liked both, but they liked Athena's more. Jesse is excited, or at least he seems happier than normal. Annie comments that she knew that gluten-free was a good idea. Donald says Joan's shooting daggers in that direction so Annie better run. KOTU still sucks, and someone is getting fired.
There is less than 10 minutes left, so I'm hopeful that this boardroom will be short and sweet. Clint thought they won, even though it wasn't the most original product. Donald wants to know why Herschel was project manager if he doesn't eat meat. I think that the better question is how Herschel can run a line of frozen meat products without eating meat, but I digress. Joan says it is her fault that Herschel was in charge because she doesn't like working for Clint because he's a steamroller. Upstairs, Athena listens as Joan says that Clint is at least marginally better to work with than Annie (who isn't even part of this boardroom) because she's got a second agenda. Annie says she could say the sky was blue and Joan would still call her a bitch. Melissa scowls in the corner, as much as her botoxed face will allow. Herschel gave Clint the marketing task, but he complains about the reliance on celebrity shilling. Both guys say they like each other, but they don't agree. Ivanka says that Clint never listens and is argumentative. Joan says that Herschel stepped up to the task. From upstairs, Jesse reminds the room that he was the first one to suggest that Clint should be fired.
Donald asks Joan who to fire, here come the waterworks... She can't make up her mind. Trump says that he's going to start crying every time he fires someone. Ivanka laughs. Herschel is the project manager, he picked chicken and the weird complicated dessert. Donald insists that he loves him as much as a straight man can, but Herschel is still fired. Outside, Joan is crying and telling Herschel that she wants to send his mother a letter telling him what a great man he is. Aw. That's kind of sweetly nauseating.
In the town car, Herschel thinks Clint should have gone home, but he had a great time and met some cool people.
week, Annie and Joan scream at each other some more and there's a twist you have to see to believe. It involves a note. Exciting. DeAnn will be back to cover that though. My brain can't handle it.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which celebs vlogger Sean Crespo feels should be anesthetized and/or sentenced to community service in No Prior Knowledge!