By M. Giant
Even though it's no longer "couples" Big Brother, they haven't bothered to come up with a new credits sequence aside from removing the "Till Death Do You Part" subtitle. Even the house with the beating heart is still there, for no good reason. We rehash -- and this is after the previouslies, mind you -- the fact that Ryan and Allison were evicted, but the siren went off and they couldn't get out the door. ["Oh my God, they ALWAYS do this -- they show it in the previouslies, and then they show it again at the beginning of the show. I hated that so much when I was stuck recapping this dumb pile of...I mean, 'Aren't you having fun covering Big Brother, M. Giant?'" -- Miss Alli] People DR their initial reactions to the news that they were splitting up, and Joshuah of course says that seeing Allison maybe getting to stay made him sick. Sheila and Adam separately DR that they're happy to be cut loose from each other. Matt is thrilled about being free of "Chatty Natty." Natalie is a bit less excited about this development, especially when Matt ends up sitting as far away from her as possible. After Allison's eviction, Ryan DRs that he was happy that he got to stay, but he kept his feelings inside for Allison's benefit. Sheila is, naturally, all weepy and remorseful and filled with regret. Not the most stable houseguest, that one. And Josh DRs that it was "the ultimate revenge" to see Allison evicted twice. And unanimously, no less. Now, remind me, Josh -- revenge for what, exactly?
Ryan DRs about how amazed he is to be HoH so soon after being headed out. And Matt DRs that he's looking forward to working with Ryan, and that Ryan understands Matt was only voting out Allison and not his "boy." As for Joshuah, he figures that Ryan's going to put him up out of revenge, and so does Sharon. So the couples dynamic continues to send ripples through the house, which is surprising. Normally ripples require at least a certain amount of depth.
Finally, nine minutes in, we're in something like real time. We learn that as happy as Matt is to be free of Natalie, she's still her old, clingy self, demonstrated by her hanging on him in the bedroom and whining about how much he still wants to share the bed with her. And in the DR, she insists that Matt's consistent pattern of pushing her away and just his way of -- wait for it -- teasing her. Because saying "Natalie, get off me immediately" (a direct quote, by the way) is the same as dipping a girl's pigtails in the inkwell, in Natalie's world. And the editors zoom in on her crazy, frozen grin, complete with Psycho music. This does not bode well for Matty.
James and Chelsia, meanwhile, are trying to figure out what this means for them and their budding relationship. It's especially difficult for James, who, as soon as he and Chelsia are finished talking, has to sit there and listen through the wall while Chelsia heads into the bedroom and flirts with first Ryan and then Matt, the latter of whom is particularly into the slap and tickle with her. "You're going to see Chelsia change," James whispers to Joshuah, who readily agrees. It's not like there's any percentage in Josh setting James's mind at ease on that score, after all. James looks like he's about to throw up as he narrates that he really likes her. Hey, James, why not try the Natalie route, and continue pushing yourself on her no matter how many rejection signals she sends you? That seems to be working for her, as far as she knows.
Natalie has a one-woman Bible study session in the living room, in which she says what so many people say in a moment of revelation: "Oh, snap." She finds the verse in the book of Joshua about how it's not what goes into a man's mouth that makes him unclean but what comes out. So Joshuah isn't a swallower? Yes, I just turned a Bible quote into a dirty joke. Now if you'll excuse me, I shall be going to Hell immediately. As Adam joins Natalie, she interprets this verse to be a reference to Joshuah's pattern of yelling at people. Deep.
Joshuah, in turn, sits in the hot tub, praying to God, apologizing for his past behavior, and asking God for His help. Anything else? "Please help me on my diet," he adds, causing the devout organ to cut off and be replaced by whimsical strings. At least until he promises to tithe ten percent, whereupon the organ rises once again. The organ music, I mean. You think I want to go to Hell twice in one weecap?
Joshuah shows everyone his HoH room, including the photo of him and Jen, and another picture of Ryan and his sister, whom Matt hits on via the DR. All class, that one. Iowa native and Hawkeye fan Chelsia jokingly stomps on Ryan's Hawkeyes shirt. Ooh, a longstanding sports-based rivalry! This is what is going to have to pass for a twist at this point.
Sheila lies on one of the beds while Adam lies on the bed over, and she cries about how much she's going to miss Allison, and how she can't trust anyone now. Says the woman who voted her out. "They're' going to come after you and I," she warns Adam. He stares at her bug-eyed (or blankly -- it's hard to tell with Adam), and then she says that Adam has been playing a good game. She asks him to have her back. "We'll see what happens," Adam sighs. Aw, they'll always have Wall.
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James and Chelsia have a conversation where he tells her that he's fallen for her, and he's going to do whatever he can to help her in the game, even if it means he ends up screwing himself. He wants them to stay together -- including continuing to share a bed -- but she doesn't think anyone should sleep together any more. To soften the blow, she promises that if she can't win it all, she wants him to. And what's more romantic than telling someone they're your second choice?
Now we get a little segment about how happy Sheila is to have a bed to herself, instead of sharing with a guy with a Jimmy leg who talks in his sleep and snores. Riveting.
Matt reconciles with Ryan, saying that he only voted for Ryan to deny Josh the pleasure of doing it with a tiebreaking HoH vote. Ryan seems to buy it. So now he and Matt decide to form an alliance. Who else will they invite? It's looking like Adam (who everyone's calling "Baller" now, as if we needed another reason to hate Adam) and James will join then in a "crew" to "weed out all the garbage." In other words, the women and the gay guy. Charming. To James's credit, he plays it cool, telling us in the DR that he doesn't plan to form any kind of alliance at this point. I'm trying not to make a joke about James being the weak link in any straight-guy alliance. It's not going so well.
Natalie and her pixilated ass wander into James's territory by trying to look for hidden clues in the guinea pig cage. She starts out by pointing out to Ryan and Matt that the little 3-D puzzle has three colors, and they point out to her that red, blue, yellow, and green are in fact four colors. Then she tries to make the case that the 27 sticks in the puzzle match the 27 letters in the alphabet. Yes, apparently Natalie has been counting the "and" between "y" and "z" as a letter all these years.
Food competition. Ryan throws down stacks of blue and red bandanas. Matt grabs the blue ones, and ends up on the "Won-Due-Fuls" team with James, "Baller," and of course Natalie (cue the Psycho music again). Joshuah ends up on the "Fon-tastics" with Sharon, Chelsia, and Sheila. "Lucky me," he DRs. And lucky me, dealing with these tortured fondue puns.
So in the backyard, the competition turns out to involve the teams sliding into big pools of chocolate fondue to retrieve big letters and stick them on a board. Once they've collected the letters, they have to write the words they spell on a chalkboard. The team that comes up with the most food items wins, and the only food they receive will be the ones the winning teams spell. The losing team is on slop. Matt is worried that "27 Letters" Natalie is a weak link, but she shows off her relevant skills by spelling out the name of a popular breakfast food: "C-E-R-E-L." This should be good.
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