Bottom three begins now. Siobhan sang "Superstition" with conviction and expression and must continue to push herself and not just rely on the screaming. She says she knew Simon would question her for the scream and that she agrees that it's cheap, but that she needed to do that one more time for the Top Ten spot. That's pretty gorgeous of her to say, actually: "You people like it cheap and stupid, so I did it cheap and stupid." And of course she is rewarded with safety and a tour spot.
Lee and Casey are summoned to their feet. Lee's "The Letter" raised the bar for Randy and Kara -- which come on -- but Simon questioned the choice. Casey, he sang "Power Of Love," which impressed everybody, at least vocally, except Simon. Dude, that sounds fucking hot. I will go back and watch that one. They both look sad... And then we move on to Tim and Paige.
Tim stupidly sang "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," which Joe called brilliantly as the ongoing mistake Tim is making about why we like him. He needs to sing the "Look At My Shirtlessness While Things Catch On Fire" song week. Paige, meanwhile, has given up completely, and she admits basically that she fucked up. Randy says, of the two, it's hard to know who's B3 but that Paige was so horrible last night... And actually they're two of the bottom three. Wow.
I have lost control of my DVR! I am saying to stop but it only goes faster! One arrow, two, three, four arrows! You never let it get to four arrows because you can't control it. It's like turning up your amp to 10 when you've never played electric before. It's like reaping the whirlwind! The remote is getting hot in my hand -- too hot to touch! You must regain control! You might miss a whole song by Miley Cyrus!
She zooms by in a lovely grownup lady dress surrounded by smoke, playing the piano and goat-girling her voice all over and shaking her face around and being a grody hillbilly. If she were singing "Party In The USA" I might stop and rewind, because that song is the bomb, but this would have to be a pretty damned outré cover to be that song. I'm sure butterflies happen in this song too. She's like a Chipmunk with nodules, that one. Pinching a loaf and having a hair-shaking meltdown and being ridiculous. Honestly, she's just the worst. Her voice makes me want to punch a child.
I love hating Miley Cyrus because normally with hating teen idols or young ladies there's a certain lady-hating undercurrent where either you think teenagers are stupid, which they're not, or you think women are stupid, which they're not. And I get very protective of the Avrils and the teen music because of how they get so much shit for the wrong things. Like, you can hate Twilight because it's poorly written and way creepy, but you can't hate it just because teen girls love it, because that's you being nasty. And I think a lot of people think they're doing A when really they're doing B.
Katie sang "Big Girls Don't Cry" (Was it the oldies one or that awful Fergie one? She's so fucking illiterate it's embarrassing, that song is a third-grade teacher's nightmare) and they thanked her for staying in her box but also hated her for staying in her box but also hated her for not staying in her box. The usual. She's going to try to handle that crap week.
Andrew sang the California Raisins song, "sucking out the soul" per Simon, which I can't imagine he would do it otherwise. Ryan asks Andrew to beat Simon's ass for it, but he babbles stupidly for a long time and forgets to shave and looks gross some more, and then explains that he knows himself as an "artist," which is to say that he is comfortable being the one-trick jackass he has always been... And then he's safe!
Katie joins her counterpart Tim, and poor Paige who outclasses them both, legit-wise, on the Seal. Obviously Paige is going to stick around, right? Well, I don't know, because Tim and Katie are sort of the shoo-ins and Katie gets that special greeting card and Starbucks giftcard every week from the show, that should be worth something, right? And I do love her fierce little self, very much... And she's safe.
So it's Paige or Tim. Gosh. But first some people sing a song. Who are they? Demi Lovato and somebody I can't hear with the screaming. Oh, the boy one is the middle-quality Jonas. Demi Lovato is like a poorly singing Vanessa Abrams. Every note is flat, and you think maybe Middle-Quality Jonas is right for acting like sharing the stage with her is beneath him, but then he also sings all shitty. They both look like those scary big church places on TV where the guy tries to inspire you through sheer force of will and spazzing out. I simply... I cannot watch this. The Miley thing was basically for effect, but I literally cannot listen to this song. They are singing too bad. Bleep-bloop.
That was a fucking bloodbath. Maybe tweens really are that stupid and all the grownups aren't just haters. How depressing. Then Ryan points out their "chemistry" that doesn't exist, and points out also how this Jonas Brother was at the auditions once and chose Tim Urban and still doesn't have the wherewithal to understand why that's ironic, and then they joke about how they last sang that song at the Houston Rodeo and, snicker, now they're singing it at the big-time American Idol. Um, no. This show is not cooler than the rodeo in any way? It's just a gayer version of the rodeo?
Okay, Paige and Tim. One will be going on the tour, one will be fed to snakes. Good luck to them both, because there is no difference. Paige will be singing for the Power of Veto, and will not be getting it. Some girl in the audience is troubled, and then Simon tells her that she is never, ever going to get the POV and should forget the word "hope" altogether, because he will be damned if he rewards her poor behavior over the last few weeks, and that they've unanimously decided -- before she even sings -- that they despise her and don't even want to see her face unless it's being perforated by a firing squad. It's so totally intense, and she sticks her chin out and takes it beautifully. Her video journey is particularly brutal just because we never actually got to know her, just her great voice and her refusal to actually use it. And Miley Cyrus hugged her, which is a boulevard of broken dreams right there.
She tries to run away while the other kids cry, but Ryan physically retains her so she can sing her song, and reminds us that Usher will be mentoring R&B/Soul week time. Then she sings her song, and it's not horrible but I don't know how it compares to last night. I'm guessing it's better because while this is boring, it's pretty and her voice is so lovely, and it doesn't inspire me to wish her the painful death the Judgery just wished on her. What a strange, sour little episode this was! And how sad to learn that I do in fact hate a Jonas!
week: Apparently Usher has discovered music and will hopefully be teaching us about how it is more than beeping noises and repeating the same word fifty times while nodding your head. Or even if he doesn't, either way that should be some compelling television.
Is Simon deliberately sabotaging Idol?