Scott MacIntyre has finally surpassed Matt G in their all-out race to hotness, which I sort of saw coming. Matt G looks his best at the piano, with all the lights and the awesome singing faces of him, but otherwise he looks like Academic Decathlon. I wish that on Wednesdays they would do the big intro just for Ryan Seacrest, since the Judgery is already sitting. How many votes last nights? Over 31 million. "A great number," Ryan says, and people cheer. Why times two. Tonight, somebody named Brad and also Randy T and Carrie will sing a duet. That probably will rule. They're both gay-but-not-really, in different ways and in the same way, respectively, and they both have voices like wild, inbred angels.
Ryan calls Paula and Simon "Paula 'Straight Hair' Abdul" and "Simon 'Losing His Hair' Cowell." Not funny, and yet he still has to explain it to a member of the Judges' panel that is neither named above nor female. I mean, I fucking wish he would. Simon's hair has always been his biggest hotness problem, combining as it does "Psycho Fourth Grader Who Draws Guns In The Margins Of His Schoolbooks" with "Creepy Janitor Who Used To Go To This School Thirty Years Ago." It would not take that much to fix it. Leave the Fuller Brush Man/Chris Cooper Marine factor and just remove the "I slept on this" weirdo part it develops on its sneaky little own and you'll be fine.
Ryan's like, "Remember our new rule? Of course you do, Simon. Don't play." I don't have time to talk about it, because he's talking about PoV and how maybe they will use it tonight. PS, they won't. It's the second week of the show. Come on. So there's Kris doing some tender thing that made people who are not me very happy; Megan being effing weird with boobs; Sarver sucking dirt like a nodding donkey; Allison still floundering aimlessly with her monster talent clutched in her tiny hands; Alexis earning the hate of all people who are not me; Lil Rounds playing this game like chess, as it should be; Scott singing some damn song and being threatened with blindness by Paula; Adam freaking the fuck out of everydangbody; Danny Gokey being a nasty motherfucker as usual; Anoop bringing a gun to a whiffle fight; and Matt G being your boyfriend again.
Singing "Trouble" with Scott at the piano, just to piss off Paula, and the voices so obviously lip-synced that it's like a Fusion ad without the automobile; the boys pretend to sing, Scott plays the piano and no sound comes out, the girls all do variations of Megan's stupid dance. The girls advance on the Judgery and it sounds like crap; Kris is wearing a three-piece and looks hot as hell, while Mike looks hippy. Everybody else is annoying, and I include this song itself and Mike's face when I say that. This is the kind of cheesy that I am looking for, up to and including Adam and Lil singing to each other like they have anything to talk about. Yeah, I smell "T-R-O-U-B-L-E" too, and it starts with T and that rhymes with G and that stands for the gross salty-ass ramen noodles ten of you will be slurping this time year in lieu of food.
Let's start with Danny. He stands up and fake-smarm-humility bullshits himself to a standing position, and he's fine. Lil stands up dressed as a St. Patrick's Day massacre and is safe, because obviously. She narrates her nervousness for everybody in the exact same position as her, which is a really unattractive trait, and then it's Anoop. From Zero to Hero to... Safe. The crowd goes wild because that was actually suspenseful for a sec. Then Allison and Mike both have to stand up, because one of them is in trouble. Mike is still crying, by the way. It's pretty hot. Who does Paula think is in the bottom three of those two? She's like, "None of them! I don't believe this!" Like she's astounded, eight years in, that this is a competition. What a waste of breath sometimes, is she. "I don't believe in judging people! This whole court is out of order!"
Paula finally admits -- as Simon grunts "answer the fucking question" in her ear over and over -- that based on the critiques, probably Allison out of the two. But it's okay to go home, because home is like a river that you can't step foot twice into, and though Allison will be returning to a sad furniture store and Mike to a his resentful child and a dangerous oil derrick, they will be less sad and less resentful and dangerous because of them having once been on this stupid show. Yeah, because it worked out so well for McKibbin and Sierra when they got home. And hey, even Justin Guarini is working at a Pennsylvania McDonald's that's really well-appointed, because the McDonald's he left is not the McDonald's to which he eventually returned. They got WiFi.
Allison is... in the Bottom Three. Mike grabs her and can't believe it. She heads over to the B3 stools on the other side of the stage -- why isn't she singing? She says something dumb, of course, but that doesn't matter because guess what? Mike is also going to have to stand up again, and is also in the B3. That's hilarious. He goes to the stools and feels like a total douche for even feeling sorry for Allison, and Ryan feels like a tool for all of this, and the camera zooms in on the third stool like it's two years ago and Dramatic Chipmunk is still funny or relevant.
The worst thing about Sarver being in the B3 is that maybe... Oh, I get it. They both sang last week because they were both going home. So I guess only the actual loser is going to sing for PoV. That's dumb, there's so much time to waste they should totally make all three of them sing. Because at least two of them -- the ones we are looking at now -- we already know would get fast-forwarded through and I could go to bed.
Glee. Just thinking about it makes me want to punch a hole in the ceiling of life. Allison and Michael on the B3 stools, and then Scott stands. The judges agreed that he brings something "special" to the stage, but needs to up his game. I guess that means he needs to become yet more blind. Megan stands up to mad applause, with something stupid stapled to her stupid shirt, plus some flu and some stupid. She's safe. I think the people who cheer and vote for Danny Gokey and the people who cheer and vote for Megan "Joy" should be pitted against one another in the Death Race 3000, that's what I think. They're like the opposite of AVP: "Whoever wins, you don't deserve television or a phone anymore. Give it here." Smack!
Matt G has either a rapidly changing face mole or a zit so big it's gonna blow his ajna chakra. He's safe. Kris Allen is probably wearing American Apparel briefs today, and thus is safe. Down to Alexis and Adam, the only people in this competition, which means one of them is going home, and you and I both know Adam's going to the Final Two, so whatever. Simon says Adam was even worse on tape, and then the whole world goes into TMTH mode as Randy stares directly into the camera -- did you see this? -- and goes, "I liked the Jeff Buckley take. I liked the Jeff Buckley take." I mean staring at the camera, like we are a cheeseburger. Begging to be let back into these recaps.
Not happening. Not even in that weird scarf, lady. Never let it be said my ego didn't flip right over for a belly rub with even scanty or ambiguous approval, but what I said was, "Somebody needs to mention Jeff Buckley." Being that someone still doesn't make you useful, it makes you even sadder, because I am completely lacking in all knowledge of anything important, and thus should not be consulted in any professional capacity. How on earth can you take away from the "you are unoriginal and not sharing anything you know on this show" that you should do what some idiot on the internet says? How about this, for your assignment I want you to compare Allison Iraheta to a bath product. Don't care how, don't care which one. And then we'll see, Jackson. And then after the pause he says it again, acts like he invented Jeff Buckley for a bit, then calls Alexis "Allison." One might think/hope that this means Allison is going home and they already know that, but no: just dumb.
The people cheer for Michael to go back to the couch, and then all of them, and then Allison is safe. Simon's like, "What?" Allison babbles stupidly all the way back to the couch, and Ryan's like, "Alexis and Michael. Maybe PoV, but no way really. We'll find out... After these commercials and then the Travis/Underwood duet." Even sunny pretty Michael is like, "Fucking hell." He and Alexis laugh on the stage, but it's the laughter of a puppet with something dumb shoved up it.