I don't really know why it's happening, but I will be goddamned if it happens in my house. Pretty sure that was the one upside of no Simon, none of this trying to make weird dorky mom bands happen all over the globe, and you roont it. Roont it.
What's your favorite thing Greasy Bear ever did? Lots of people would say the Firecrotch thing because it was the most famous, but to me that is low-level Greasy Bear activity. Personally, I enjoyed most the night he called Mischa Barton fat. There is so much to love there.
SCOTT GOES HOME, GUESS WHAT THAT'S LIKE
OMG now we have to go home with Scotty. Honestly I thought they fit this into last night and we were done. I am so damn stupid, of course they didn't do that. They had to sing one hundred million shitty songs, there was no time for this.
Scotty's home visit is a lot of shrieking and a lot of Elvis singing, because what if Scotty were being treated like Elvis? On like a fractional level.
Good thing Americans are so attractive or this part would be a bummer.
Scotty shows us the Very Bed where he packed his Very Bags for Hollywood Week, and thinks about Elvis, and then goes to the Very High School where his penchant for self-mythologizing really got started, and then tosses around a baseball on the Very Field -- because yeah, I'll give you that he is sexy in a particularly baseball way -- and then he climbs into his tacky limo and cries, and that part was pretty remarkable, because we cannot actually imagine what any of this was like for them, for him, and I imagine that it's pretty intense. He puts on the Very Apron and Norma Raes himself onto the Very Counter at work and then everybody in the entire state of North Carolina shits themselves, and he cries some more, everybody cries, and Scotty looks up at Jesus like, "Make me stop crying, Jesus," and Jesus is like, "I know, it makes me nervous too."
The person of the actual Lock Them Doors song shows up onstage while he is singing that song, and Scott loses it some more and that's fucking awesome, and I don't know. You can't think that the total manipulation that he is would really bother me. I admire it. But flipping back to the actual real sweetness and realness of him, versus the illusion of those things that he's created, it's all very head-spinny. But nice. I mean, as our winner we could do worse. He's a smart boy. He's got some bigotry in him, but honestly that's a priori and he seems to be attempting to deal with that without freaking out his base. I don't know. I hate Lauren so much there is maybe not much left for him this week.