Ryan's fauxhawk is now so pointy that you could use it to split kindling. Is this like some kind of tanorexic thing where each night he bugs the people to put just a little more gel in there for some reason? He's starting to look like one of those disco superheroes from the '70s. "From the thousands who auditioned," of course, we're down to seven. I'm actually kind of worried. I hated everybody I like and liked everybody I hate last night. With David Cook, this is nothing new. But Syesha? That's unconscionable. At least KLC didn't do it for me this week. I was thinking of going in to have my head sharpened. I was going to ask orange Ryan for a referral.
Mariah Carey is here, that's good, and Elliot Yamin, which is not that exciting, and Ryan's taking calls, which is awful. Simon winks at Ryan and we're into the group song, "One Sweet Day." A song I don't know very well. Jason continues to bloom, of all things, in the week of Mariah, then kicks it to the Colonel, whose tone sounds as good as it ever has. Oh, this is one of those creepy "dead people watch you from the sky" songs, I hate those. You know what else is creepy? David Cook singing to me about dead people with that creepy stalker face on his face.
Brooke seems broken, but she's been that way for awhile; I feel guilty for wanting to leave whenever Archuleta sings these days. Carly has tried this alien concept of "sleeves" and found it lacking, so we're back to those awful tattoos. David Cook and Syesha are so interested in impressing you that they completely leave the actual song behind, which is annoying, and then everybody gets very breathy at then end. I still feel like I haven't heard this song. Either Courtney Love got really fat or else Jessica Sierra got really fat but either way she's down in the audience.
Ryan points out the motherfuck who wrote "This Is My Now," and so excited is the crowd to find out who's going home that they forget to beat his ass into the ground. He looks like a nice chap, kind of Augusten Burroughsy, with an argyle cardigan. Not even argyle will save you from my wrath, chucker.
Carly makes hideous faces in the reminder video, with Mariah telling the kids about how she's just like a normal person, only totally abnormal. David Cook was smarmy some more, remember? David Archuleta was like, "Good things sometimes/ Miracles sometimes/ Don't use guns/ Little puppies licking your face/ Birthday parties" or whatever. Carly sang the suicide song from that movie and Simon was not impressed. KLC was almost as good as she has been lately, but at least she did the hilarious arm thing again. Brooke continued to be a bitter disappointment, and I wish they would just send her home before her spirit is permanently crushed altogether. (She tells us backstage that it actually is as painful as it seems to get panned by Cowell.) Syesha was the best she's ever been, Ryan was annoying, Jason was way awesome, David Cook was freaking awesome and will be ten times better on the studio cut but is still a chump. Man, that was like the best night in so long. I'm so glad I watched it. Mariah, too, was impressed.
Ryan cracks jokes about Randy's beach luau hula dancing, Randy says that Simon has a grass skirt, Ryan says he knows, and somehow Simon thinks being arch and agreeing means he won. "Yeah, we do have gay sex. That makes you a queer, queer." Simon's not really completing that equation like he thinks. Actually, same deal on Ryan, of course, but aren't you just kind of used to him claiming Simon for his own?
Seven finalists. That means it's time for the annual "pick your group" screw-around? I hope they don't make Brooke do it because she might actually fall over dead. First up Jason sang "I Don't Want To Cry," which Randy didn't care for but Simon and Paula, correctly, loved. Jason is from Texas and hasn't done much beach or luau time. Although he was Cheyenne's boyfriend for a while. Jason starts one group.
David "Always Be My Baby" Cook comes out and acts so fake and silly about the applause and screaming. How do you say, "You are the new Clay Aiken," in a polite way? I still can't figure it out. David is very proud of his song and was overwhelmed by the amazing response, two things he should be. He was amazing in concept and pretty good in execution and I'm very proud of him too. He's Group Two.
Carly is wearing a cute high-waisted skirt, was cautioned not to hold herself back last night after "If Living Is Without You." She cannot agree. She tells Simon that he is being too hard on her, which is fucking asking for it. He tells her she has greatness potential and needs to be pushed. Which is his point for existing; I guess Carly didn't get the memo that she's in the Top Seven of the biggest show in history. I guess she needs just a little more encouragement. Fool. Carly joins Jason in Group One.
The Colonel babbles about whatever and is boring at all times. At least she's not piping up about how Mariah Carey is in love with her some more. I hope somebody told her how obnoxious that was. She joins her fellow Cook in Group Two.
Pimpmercial: super effin' creepy puppet effects on all the idols working in an office, like that boy band video from long ago, but with a lot of styling and scariness like Rasputina or those ladies-in-waiting from "Lady Marmalade." The song, which is more boring than most songs you might have heard in your lifetime, is called "I Want To Break Free." I hope it's not as awful as it seems. Jason cuts their strings and then they can smile again and they drive away in vehicles. Conceptually, yes, but it's kind of artsy for the bad song and this dumb show. But everybody looked good as office-working puppets; I guess the total irony of that passed all of them by.
Elliot just got back from Africa and is now going to be singing a song called "Free." I hope he looks healthy... Nope. Still working the werewolf thing. Wasn't he like just here? I don't think I recapped it but I feel like I remember Joe writing this paragraph at some point. Yamin seems more professional all the time, but his songs are always so boring and repetitive and unoriginal. He and Alicia Keys should get together and explain slow-ass R&B jams to me, because even never having heard the song, you can still anticipate every note and key change and lyric. He's like such a relic compared to this group, it's quaint. And then it turns out that his mom passed away recently, which is really sad. She was a neat lady, I thought. It makes me want to give him a hug. Well, that and his brown velvet suit.
Way to bum me out, show. Anyway, Syesha sang "Vanishing" awesomely, and only Simon was unhappy with it because it's a less-known song. Which I didn't know, because that's the only album I've ever heard, and it contains my favorite Mariah Carey song of all time, "All In Your Mind." That song makes me feel like a superspy, I love it so much. Anyway, Syesha was as good as usual, but way less off-putting, which is a good mix, even though she did kind of make it seem like Mariah Carey was lucky to meet her. She joins Carly and Jason.
Brooke . Thank goodness they're putting Archuleta in the scary spot. They talk about the hamburger thing and as usual she makes no sense, saying she was working the vegetarian vote. She swears she was putting everything she had into it -- which isn't a lie. She just doesn't have much left. He sends her to the Cooks, and now all three of them look so, so sad. Ryan laughs about leaving Archuleta backstage over the commercial, and also Mariah is still singing. At least tell half of them they're safe first ... nope.
Phone calls. Yuck. This is the worst thing happening these days. Some lady in CT wants to know if the keys around David Cook's neck possibly symbolize anything tragic. Joan wants to know if KLC ever got her horse back, heh, Jillian wants to know -- in recognition of National Record Store Day, April 19 -- what album the judges first bought, and a 76-year-old woman wants to know the percentage of contestants who actually do what Simon suggests for them, because he is awesome. Those aren't so bad, if you leave out the Claymate one and the thing about the horse. Which is, of course, the first one Ryan takes. KLC says that her horse is being held hostage by the man who bought the horse. I bet he's holding out for crazy money. Ryan calls the dude a dick, and KLC mugs for the camera but can't actually even carry the weight of this stupid non-story.
Then: Jillian! Awesome. Randy got Led Zeppelin, Beatles and James Brown. Paula's were I Want You Back, Earth Wind & Fire, and Tapestry. No wonder she has such good taste in material. Simon's answer is that he was ten years old and bought Straight Up. Awesome answer, that's hilarious. Everybody claps and Paula bows. Ryan is tickled for the rest of the segment. Some girl named Megan ("from Paula's show") doesn't really have any questions, she just wants to chat, because being a fifteen year old near a phone turns you into an irritating beast. She finally asks Paula which of her songs best describes her relationship with Simon, and he says "Straight Up," obviously, and she goes to a dark place with that, which makes him laugh nervously, and meanwhile Randy is repeating "Cold Hearted Snake" over and over over desperately begging for attention. Like I mean he says it sixty fucking times, and nobody cares, and Paula and Simon just ignore him. (I have had it with Randy Jackson. It took five years, but I am so fucking sick of his pointless talking. When he's on, he's on, but I have never seen so much lip-flapping without anything of merit coming out. Seriously. Was it always this bad?) Paula goes, "'Cold Hearted Snake' is too obvious, but 'Straight Up,' Simon, I'll never be 'Forever Your Girl'." Or something, whatever.
The question is a timewaster about the differences between "karaoke," "theme park" and "piano bar" as Simon's descriptions. Which isn't even a question and I refuse to recap it. We get it. Simon rolls his eyes and the idiots in the audience applaud for no reason, and Simon's like: "Who cares? That means I don't like it." She keeps babbling and Paula claps for no reason. And then: is David Cook single? Yeah, he is. And he wants to be your boyfriend. He loves you. He wants to make passionate love to you. He asked me not to tell you, but yes. Your time is coming. Don't even bother leaving the house or forming actual relationships with other human beings, just go home and wait. He will be there at eight tonight. Wear something slutty.
Then Mariah sings a song about: grandmothers, childhood, regret, the importance of face-to-face communication, affection, um, moisturizing, timekeeping, difficulties, obstacles, the word "bye-bye" one hundred and eleven times in a row with hand movements, various numerals, the importance of spending holidays with loved ones, muscular and joint strength, pain assessment, the procession of the days of the week, wishing and screaming in a scary way, whistle-tones, insomnia, and the "bye-bye" thing again. I think the message either relates to the importance of making efforts to retain the exclusive company of those whose exclusive company you prefer, or regret regarding a past inability to do so, or both exhortation to do so while discussion past failures to do so. It is lovely.