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It's all about the relationships this week. Lemon and Jack both vie with the elevated demands of their relationship. Jack devises "The Fabian Strategy," inspired by Roman general Fabius Maximus, wherein he simply redirects conversation whenever Avery wants to discuss things like wallpaper swatches. So successful is this strategy that he has time to horn in on Lemon's budding relationship with sensitive pilot Carol (Matt Damon). Lemon hates the idea of a label, preferring to live independently and fit together perfectly for the short stretches in between Carol's commercial flight schedule. She thinks he's the Jeffrey to her Ina Garten. She thinks Carol's on the same page until he starts weeping into her lap, begging for clarity in their relationship. In the end, she agrees to move forward inch by inch, and they kick things off by some good times revealing their childhood experiences with pedophilia (Carol) and future adoptive children (Lemon). More on that to come, I'm sure. Meanwhile, Jack comes to a compromise with Avery and realizes that the solution he reached was the very thing she'd been angling for all along. For this masterful strategery, he loves her all the more.
Pete is aces in his relationship with ol' Mrs. Hornberger now that Jenna has joined on as a producer (per a stipulation in her contract) and freed up all his time by being a surprisingly good budgetmaster. Eventually, though, she realizes her role as producer is the key to making the budget work and falls on the ballpoint pen, so to speak. Much to the chagrin of Pete, who's taken to making every day casual drinkin' Friday since Jenna took over all his responsibilities and stopped being a needy, high-maintenance nutbag for a second and a half.
No worries, though, because Tracy can always be counted on to fill in any gaps Jenna leaves on the crazy front. This week, he misses Kenneth so deeply that he is seeing the Muppet-faced former Page all over the studio. Fearing he might be turning schizophrenic, Tracy walks away to clear his head. Along the way he literally bumps into Kenneth, who has picked up a new job and a nifty red blazer from The Late Show with David Letterman. It takes some convincing (in the form of Kenneth throwing himself in front of a taxi) to prove that this Kenneth is not just a figment of Tracy's imagination. Despite Tracy's pleas for Kenneth to return to TGS, Class Act Parcell insists he's happy at his new job. Tracy sadly bids adieu to Kenneth, snatching up some CBS swag along the way. Later, we learn that Kenneth was putting on a brave face and misses the old gang terribly. In no small part thanks to the lecherous custodian roving the halls and propositioning Kenneth during the night shift. Siiiiigh.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!A fully-bearded, long-haired Jack wakes Lemon with an early morning call to gloat about his exotic vacation on Paul Allen's yacht with Avery. He tells her they basked the entire time in "The Three S-es." One is surf, one is sun, and would you care to hazard a guess at what Lemon thinks the third will be? Two points if you guessed sandwiches. That's my girl! Jack rhapsodizes a bit about how Avery is the perfect women -- "a combination of Bo Derek and Barry Goldwater" -- before acknowledging that his summer of love is about to give way to work mode. He asks about Lemon's summer. She tells him her gynecologist committed suicide. Click.
A second later, Lemon's "doorman to the sky" boyfriend Carol (Matt Damon) calls to tell her he's piloting a flight home from St. Louis, then has only a few more Jersey stops (apparently Newark to Atlantic City is popular on the black bachelorette party circuit) before he'll be back in New York. They hang up, and the phone rings yet again. It's Tracy, who promises to give 110% this year. She says that's great, and Tracy realizes he misdialed and called her instead of his nutritionist. Says Lemon, "Okay, season five, here we go." Credits.
Jack's office. He goes over the budget with Lemon and Pete, reminding them they have to cut expenses and maximize profits to ease the transition to life under Kabletown. Some line items, including an ever-expanding wig budget for Tracy and some mandatory five-year upgrades on Jenna's contract (because nobody ever thought TGS would ever make it that long), are driving up the budget unnecessarily. Pete notes that Jenna will now receive a producer credit. Jack assures Lemon it's a meaningless designation, but Jenna obviously doesn't think so as she strides in for "the producer's meeting" and demands eye contact. She has been counting down for this day like so many pervs waiting for Miley Cyrus to turn legal. Big 6-0!
It's Kenneth! And he's back at 30 Rock! Tracy approaches to give him his daily list of chores, including learning the ins and outs of martinizing at the dry cleaners and making the bathroom sweet-smelling before Tracy wrecks it again. Ah, but it was all a cruel tease! As soon as Tracy stops jabbering, Kenneth says, in a difference voice, "I'm not Kenneth, sir." Cut to confused Tracy, cut back to an entirely different Page named Brian, who has to remind Tracy that Kenneth was fired after his drunken display of love last season. Tracy pretends he understands what this not-Kenneth is saying to him.
Back upstairs, Jack asks Lemon for the status of her relationship with Carol. Lemon brags about all her boyfriend's pilot perks, including prompt seating at Chili's and the free WiFi and super-clean bathrooms at the hotel chain where Carol often stays. "I don't know how they get those bathtubs so clean," she says. "They clean them," Jack retorts. He adds that he doesn't think Lemon is really in a relationship since Carol never stays at her house. Eventually they'll have to exit vacation mode and return to real life, with dirty clothes, an open-door bathroom policy, and dreaded redecoration.
Lemon spots that this so-called pep talk is really just Jack projecting his current irritations with Avery onto her. He would like to keep the reddish-brown "Elk Tongue" wallpaper, thank you very much. Lemon says he should tell Avery the truth about his Elk Tongue. Jack parses the subtle power dynamics at play, saying it's a lose-lose situation because any reaction in this response could eventually cause him to lose the upper hand with Avery. He says he's devised a third option: The Fabian Strategy. In the manner of Roman general Quintus Fabius Maximus, he chooses to retreat from all of Avery's advances until she gives up. Lemon sarcastically applauds Jack's choice to cast Avery as his enemy in this scenario. He tells her she's in no position to judge: "Meeting someone in a hotel room twice a month is not a relationship. Just ask any hooker." Lemon cringes at the word "relationship," so Jack throws in her other favorite ("climax") for good measure.
Downstairs, Jenna sits in Pete's office and peruses the line item budget, gleefully noting that "it takes people and turns them into money!" She adds, "Except for Tracy, I'm the most person on the show!" Jenna wonders what's , so Pete tells her the delicate tightrope he must walk to achieve Jack's budget cutting goals while also keeping his staff happy. Jenna offers to fire Grace from wardrobe. Before Pete can get out the words "heartless monster," Jenna's on her way to make heads roll. She reaches the wardrobe room and lets Grace have it. Grace, by the way, is about 100 years old and has been with NBC since The Jack Parr Show. Jenna doesn't waste a second in kicking Grace out on her old lady ass.
Down the hall, Tracy thinks he spots Kenneth at the water fountain and hurries over to smell the K-man's head. Lemon abruptly stops drinking water to clarify she is wearing "a woman's blazer from a very expensive store called Rico's." Tracy admits his eyes are playing tricks on him. He asks if he's going crazy again and should he get his rainbow wig out of storage. Lemon consoles him that he is not crazy, he just cared for Kenneth and misses him. She suggest Tracy stay calm the time he hallucinates tell himself that it's not real. "Like the World Cup!" says Tracy knowingly. Meanwhile, you know some real-Kenneth-centered hijinks are going to ensue any moment now. Before that happens, though, Tracy sees Kenneth all around him -- Holding a python! Shining his shoes! Creating a bust of Tracy a la Lionel Richie's "Hello," then joining himself. Two Kenneths! Tracy thinks 30 Rock is too full of memories and runs out to clear his head. And he made it through nearly a full hour at work. Progress!
Over in the writer's room, Frank asks Lemon a "Would you rather?": Start every sentence with Urkel's catchphrase or be Siamese twins with Sharon Stone for a year. Carol walks in behind, and they simultaneously opt for Urkel. The guys ask Carol questions about piloting, from the Mile High Club to UFOs, the Air Force, and Lutz's "Are you on Facebook?!" Reach for the stars, Lutzy. Reach for the stars.
The non-couple heads into Lemon's office, where Carol gives her a pair of earrings some lady left in the airplane bathroom. He says he couldn't get a room at his usual hotel that weekend and wonders if he can stay with her. She warns him she'll have to go home first to get some plates out of the bathroom. Carol thinks it'll be fun to stay with her all weekend, but Lemon's hesitant about taking the step. Lemon is surprised that every hotel room in the city is booked up in such a major hotel chain. Carol tells her it's for something called "Jackfest." A suspicious scowl crosses Lemon's faces.
She marches up to Jack's office to read him the riot act for forcing her to move forward with Carol. He says it's for her own good and snarks at her sad, lonely, middle-aged lady-ness. She insists she's happy with her life emulating The Barefoot Contessa, but Jack wins this go-around.
Across town, we finally see the real Kenneth, who has landed a gig (and a blindingly red blazer) as an usher at the Late Show with David Letterman. Tracy walks by fitfully and bumps into him. Kenneth calls out to Tracy, who turns around in alarm, then follows Lemon's advice to remind himself this can't be real. Of course this only makes him look like more of a schizo than before. Stunned and saddened, Kenneth watches Tracy walk away.
That night, Carol and Lemon sit down in front of the television, and what comes on but The Barefoot Contessa? It's one of Carol's favorite things. Lemon adds "sweater weather" to the list, and they finish in unison: "When Muppets present at awards shows." They marvel at how similar their world views are, including but not limited to how to deal with Palestine. Lemon says she thinks their largely separate lives are perfect -- just like Jeffrey and Ina Garten. At their names, Carol bursts into tears. He blubbers that he's not as strong as Jeffrey and needs to know where their relationship is going. Lemon tries to assure him she's not resisting. Carol says he can't live the jet-setter lifestyle anymore, going "from woman to woman to woman" -- all six of them. He blurts out, "I want grown-up love!" then throws his head in her lap. Like a big baby. She pats him uneasily. Well at least he's not asking her to buy a beeper. Or move to Cleveland. Or abide by his wonky Britishisms. Or stare at his beautiful body and Roman statue-esque face all day. Maybe that last one wasn't so bad in hindsight?
After tucking Carol in, Lemon calls Jack at his apartment to discuss his emotional breakdown. Jack welcomes her to adulthood and gloats that his Fabian Strategy is working a charm with Avery. He, too, has tucked his demanding significant other into bed and is celebrating his momentary victory with a tipple of Scotch and a game of Snood. Lemon vengefully sends Avery an e-mail with a link to a wallpaper website. Battle back on.
The day, Pete giddily tells Lemon that Jenna's promotion is freeing up tons of time for him. To wit, "Yesterday, I went to the gym! And this morning I made love to my wife. And she was still asleep, so I didn't have to be gentle." Cut to TMI shot of Mrs. Hornberger snoring like a buzz saw while her world gets rocked. Lemon says it's one of the most upsetting things she's ever imagined, so Pete urges her to consider it again. Oh goody, another money shot! While Lemon suppresses the urge to vomit, Jenna walks up to tell them she's crunched the numbers and has decided to cancel car service for staffers at night: "It's cheaper for us to just replace anyone who gets murdered." As she walks away, Pete points to her and cups his hands over his mouth like a proud parent.
Upstairs, Lemon asks Jack if Avery enjoyed the wallpaper website. Jack brags that his strategy worked yet again when he simply agreed to all of Avery's wallpaper choices. She was so overwhelmed, she set up a meeting with an interior designer. Jack claims he's "flanking her" troops in unknown territory. He adds that he's a prize in the gay community, both a Bear and Daddy -- a Daddy Bear. He has no doubts that he can flirt James away and hang onto his Elk Tongue.
Jack asks how things are going with Carol. Lemon, who spent the morning holding Carol's hand while he wept into his cereal, is relieved, yet concerned, that he's decided to leave early. Jack tells her she has a decision: Let Carol in and let go of her autonomy, or "teach [her] cat to dial 911." Lemon rubs her Life Alert necklace in Jack's face. Then, on the way out, she accidentally pushes it.
Outside, Tracy walks past Letterman again. Kenneth refuses to let him walk away this time, mentioning various little-known facts about Tracy to prove that he's real. Example: Tracy's favorite color is rainbow. Mine, too! Tracy reveals that he has at least one speck of logical thinking in him, and says that an imaginary Kenneth would know anything he knows since he's inside his head. He walks away gruffly, leaving Kenneth once again in his wake. Kenneth devises a fool-proof plan to prove he's real: Fling himself into oncoming traffic. Tracy hears the crunch of his bones, and what do you think is his first reaction? "Oh no, I missed it! Do it again!" Kenneth pulls himself off the hood of the cab as Tracy runs to his side. He begs Kenneth to come back to NBC, but Kenneth says he's found new happiness at CBS -- and a Mentalist tote bag! Tracy bids him farewell, taking the tote bag as a parting gift.
Cut to wallpaper swatches aplenty in Jack's office. Jack brings out the weapons in his arsenal: talking in his most seductive voice, showing off his bicep, running a hand through his luscious hair, unbuttoning his shirt, licking his lips, and leaning in real close. James looks more creeped out than vanquished.
Downstairs, Pete is rockin' some knee socks and drinkin' a cerveza when Jenna comes in to say she's figured out the last step to whittling down the budget: Cut a producer. Pete's eyes bug with fear, but Jenna shows amazing self-awareness by saying she's unnecessary. "Hmmmm," she reminisces, "the last time I said that, I was in a three-way with two of the Backstreet Boys." Pete tries to dissuade Jenna, desperately suggesting they fire Lemon. Jenna won't go for it, spouting out some corporate finance jargon through tears as she and Pete share an emotional goodbye.
Out in the corridor, the writers give Lemon another "Would you rather?": Have life-long love but wear a shirt of her lover's pubes, or be alone forever. Lemon surprisingly opts for the shirt pubes -- as does Carol, who has appeared behind her. He decided to come back for her, and there's a sad, obese teen on stand-by in an airport somewhere to show for it. He says he's not ashamed she saw him cry. He's emotional, mainly because he changes altitude more than four times a day. She remembers a time he got really mad about a Giants game on TV, but he says that was about the many faces of Geico. They patter about those bastard lizards and cavemen and stacks of money with eyeballs. Carol says this shows how good they are together, but insists they need to move forward.
Lemon wonders how they can move forward when they always have limited time together. He says they should count to three and reveal something one doesn't know about the other. Hers: "On a waiting list to adopt a kid." His: "Touched by a priest." Both responses: "Wait, what?" They high-five and part ways, likely wishing they'd never gone with this harebrained "moving forward" scheme.
Inside the studio, Jack congratulates Lemon for getting into "an adult dude situation," among other things. She congratulates him for keeping his Elk Tongue wallpaper. He corrects her, saying he and the interior decorator came up with solution that works for everyone: Knock down the wall. Symbolic and symmetrical! Lemon suggests maybe this is what Avery wanted all along. Jack smiles at the realization that the wallpaper was merely a decoy, and Avery has "Hannibaled [his] Fabian." He loves her all the more for it. He says they're soul mates, as perfect a pair as whiskey and hunting. "She's your pube shirt," sages Lemon.
Bonus! Kenneth wistfully watches the end of TGS and bids goodnight to everyone. He confesses to himself that he lied to Tracy and actually misses everyone more than he can admit. As he's talking, Tracy rolls up with a custodial cart. "It's you!" cheers Kenneth. "Sure is," says Tracy, "wanna go kiss in the prop cage?" Whoops, not Tracy. Just some lecherous old janitor. What has two thumbs and a prop cage full of secrets? That guy! Jokeward, ho!
The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same
Jack: In order for this merger to stay attractive to our friends at Kabletown, we have to seem like a sexy, profitable company, and we're almost pulling it off. The Harry Potter theme park is a huge hit with both Anglophiles and pedophiles. The movie division has a James Cameron movie the whole world will see whether they like it or not. Only NBC continues to be the engorged whitehead on the otherwise flawless face of Universal Media. Lemon, why are you spending so much money on wigs?
Lemon: Tracy's head size keeps changing.
Jenna's Rider
Pete: Jenna has some crazy stuff built into her contract that kicks in now.
Lemon: Like what?
Pete: "Eye Contact -- Everyone must make eye contact with Miss Maroney at all times." She also gets a producer credit...
Lemon: What?
Jack: Oh, it's just a vanity credit, Lemon -- a low-cost way to make someone feel more important. Like "Executive Producer Ashton Kutcher" or "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton."
Perks and Jalapeño Poppers
Jack: So how are things with Carol?
Lemon: Good. Did you know that if you're a pilot, Chili's will seat you right away, even if the pilot's dinner companion has just been yelling at the hostess?
Jack: You're the Jackie O. of our time.
Semantics, Orgasmics
Jack: You are not in a real relationship, Lemon.
Lemon: Ugh, I hate that word "relationship." It's almost as bad as "climax."
Separate but Pitiful
Jack: It's for your own good, Lemon. I just want you to have what Avery and I have.
Lemon: I am a grown woman. I have been doing things my way for a long time. I don't like my life stuff mixing with my dude stuff.
Jack: A middle-aged woman saying "dude stuff." Is that on my Sadness Scavenger Hunt? Why, yes it is.
Lemon: Carol and I enjoy our separate-but-intersecting lifestyles. It's perfect. I'm like that woman on the Food Network whose husband only comes home on the weekend, and she spends the rest of her time eating and drinking with her gay friends.
Jack: Her name is the Barefoot Contessa, Lemon, and you will never be like her, starting with the "barefoot" part.
Lemon: I'll have you know I wore sandals this summer... over socks.
Grown-Up Love
Lemon: Thanks! Carol had a complete meltdown about the state of our relationship. I can't believe I tried to clean my bathtub for this!
Jack: No, this is healthy, Lemon. Where is Carol now?
Lemon: I finally got him to sleep. I had to spoon him for, like, and hour, and I was the outer spoon!
Jack: Welcome to adulthood.
Parting Is the Sweetest Satchel
Tracy: I love you, Kenwood! Why don't you come back home to TGS and pick the peas out of my fried rice? And the rice. I just want carrots.
Kenneth: I can't do that, sir.
Tracy: But don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
Kenneth: Of course I do. But I'm real happy here at CBS. They gave me a tote bag. With The Mentalist on it!
Tracy: I guess this is goodbye. Obviously I'm gonna need the tote bag.
Lemon: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Jack: I never thought you'd make it this far, Lemon.
Lemon: I know. Season five... we were supposed to be cancelled...
Jack: Not just the show. You're an adult, dude situation and wearing a blazer from Rico's husky boys collection.
Lemon: Is that what "ragazzi robusti" means?
Where does 30 Rock's Kenneth rank among the funniest obsessed sidekicks in TV history? Find out.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then learn the language of 30 Rock!
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