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Picking up seeming ages after Jack's "Stall, darn you, stall!" text, Lemon is still killing time at Floyd's wedding by playing Mad Libs with the Bible and displaying her surprisingly broad knowledge of Duggar-evoking church camp songs. Eventually Jack commits to Nancy, and Lemon is allowed to stop her charade. All the better to pick up where she left off in her ill-conceived charade with Wesley. Between Floyd's and Cerie's weddings, Wesley remembers he left his tuxedo shoes in his old office and asks Lemon to retrieve them for him, lest there be Taser incident. While there, a pilot named Carol (Matt Damon) stops in to settle a workman's comp claim. Despite having no experience in insurance, Lemon fills in just long enough to learn that he shares her disdain for flip-flops in church and thinks TGS is the greatest thing since sliced bread -- especially her "Fart Doctor" sketch. It's love at first flattery. So she invites him to Cerie's wedding. Wesley becomes possessive, prompting Lemon to make a grand speech about how fate does exist after all: If it weren't for Wesley's misplaced shoes, she would never have met the man of her dreams, with whom she plans to spend the rest of her life, and who she is certain will love her in spite of her disgusting foot secret. Naturally, Carol isn't meant to hear any of this. When he does, Lemon's TMI is a little too much. He nearly preempts their lifetime of bliss by leaving to spend his layover in the Chili's at LaGuardia but fortunately thinks better of it and returns to try loving Lemon, warts (I'm assuming) and all.
Jack's relief at settling his dilemma is short-lived when Avery shows up at Cerie's wedding. As bad luck would have it, before finding Jack she runs into Nancy in the women's bathroom and -- spurred on by the Dodecacil hormone rush -- unknowingly cries on the shoulder of her nemesis. Nancy spies a place card shortly after and learns that the Avery Jessup she just comforted is also her main competition. She confronts Jack and has him explain his love for Avery, then tenders her forfeiture and spills the news that Avery is knocked up. Avery finally finds Jack, and they decide they make a real-deal, no-nonsense couple even in the face of unanticipated circumstances and should accept their fate as power parents -- and maybe sue the pants off of Dodecacil.
Meanwhile Jenna finds herself embroiled in her own love triangle when she finds her boyfriend Paul has abandoned his "'Gina" get-up and is now donning Cher-wear circa 1989. Paul encounters Jack at Cerie's wedding, and Jack advises him that it's just not possible to love two women at once, even if you wish you could combine them into one perfect high-maintenance diva. Or is it? Paul shows up to Grizz's wedding (remember how that's happening today, too?) representing 'Gina on his left side and Cher on his right. With that kind of ability to compromise for love, they might just be the happiest 3.5 people in the whole world!
And Kenneth learns that Jack has secured him a prestigious spot as the Junior In-Charge Boy for NBC's Page program. He's overjoyed at the accolade, then adamantly opposed to it when he learns the program is in Los Angeles. ("Everyone there smiles creepily all the time -- and that's sort of my thing!") Tracy advises Kenneth to secure his release from the program by screwing up his current job. He assures Kenneth that it's freed him from the burdens of foreplay and taxes in the past, so what could go wrong? Except Kenneth does such a good bad job that he alienates an entire tour of Kabletown execs, who demand he be fired. So he shows up tanked to Grizz's wedding and launches into the nicest drunk rant ever and ends with a one-finger salute. By which I mean a thumbs-up, because there literally isn't a mean bone in this manboy's body.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!We join Lemon, still at Floyd's wedding and struggling to stall, per Jack's request, with various Biblical-passage MASH games. In the pews, Nancy reams out Jack for stepping out on her and falling in love with the other lady. She doesn't think it's possible, but he points to the timeless triangle of Archie, Veronica, and Betty. He tries to smooth things over by telling her she looks amazing in her dress. She snarls back that he looks like a gay mortician in his suit.
Over at 30 Rock, Pete tells Kenneth about his thankless job. For example, today (Saturday) he's been called in to give a tour to a bunch of suits from Kabletown. At this, he mimes shooting himself in the head, complete with sound effects. Kenneth is so horrified that Pete has to assure him it's not real. He gets to the point, saying he's normally the go-to bad news guy, but today he has a bit of good news: Kenneth has been selected for the prestigious position of Junior In-Charge Boy of NBC's entire Page program. Kenneth is jubilant at the honor, which is truly a dream come true. He's especially excited to get the news from his "Best Friend in the Whole World, comma, Bald category." Then Pete says Kenneth will have to move to Los Angeles. Upon hearing he'll have to leave behind all of his best friends, he says he'll pass on the opportunity. Pete tells him Jack nominated him for the promotion, so he'll have to talk to him. Kenneth says he'll be happy to take it up with his "Best Friend in the Whole World, comma, Beautiful Hair category, parentheses Strong."
Back at the wedding, Lemon falls back on her extensive knowledge of improvisation and Vacation Bible Study campfire songs. Floyd and his ab model wife-to-be shoot her increasingly harried looks. Jack continues trying to convince Nancy of his love for her. She refuses to share him with anyone else and asks if he's in or out. He says he's in. And not a moment too soon because Lemon just tapped into her falsetto range. Credits.
Meanwhile, Jenna enters her apartment and surprises her boyfriend-slash-impersonator Paul, who is in full Cher "If I Could Turn Back Time" drag. She can't believe he's drag-cheating on her with another diva. He claims he loves them both equally, but she tells him he has to choose. Paul calls out to her, "Jenna, babe, wait!" Only he can't catch himself from putting Cher's vibrato staccato intonation into the words. Jenna turns around to give him an icy stare as he apologizes, "I'm sorry, that came out wrong." Jenna storms off in a huff.
Jack and Nancy return to his apartment for a quickie between weddings. Kenneth pops out of thin air and startles them before they can get inside. He wants to talk to Jack about the promotion, but Jack tells him it'll have to wait because he's going inside to... "tickle each other like Teletubbies," chimes in Nancy. She explains that's the metaphor she used when her kids walked in on her. Kenneth tells Jack he doesn't want to leave 30 Rock, even if it's to advance his career. Jack refuses to let Kenneth sacrifice his dreams. He says this day is about pulling triggers, it's about making bold choices, it's about... "Two Spider-Mans fightin' sometimes make weird noises, but they're not hurting each other," chips in Nancy. Jack wonders how often Nancy's kids walk in on her. "A lot," she says. Jack excuses himself and Nancy.
Elsewhere, Wesley bikes down the sidewalk (pet peeve!) while Lemon struggles to keep up with him in her high heels and form-fitting dress. He stops when he realizes he forgot his tuxedo shoes at his old office. Only problem is, he can't retrieve them because he vowed never to return to the place that rejected him -- plus, the security guard has his photo on file. Lemon can't believe he's sending her on errands now, but she consents. He hands her his card for the address, and she is unsurprised that he works in insurance. He tells her he specializes in the transportation industry, which "fulfills [his] boyhood passion for train accidents." Before Lemons heads to his office, he bids his "luscious plum" adieu, and they lean in for a terribly unsexy kiss. Even their faces aren't compatible, apparently.
30 Rock. Tracy agrees that Kenneth can't leave New York, so he advises him how to save himself from the promotion. He tells Kenneth to take all that he has learned from Tracy over the years and do a bad job. As a test, he tells Kenneth to get him a sandwich. Kenneth retorts that Tracy can get the sandwich himself. You have learned much, Grasshopper.
As the guests gather before Cerie's wedding reception, Nancy tells Jack she's heading to the bathroom, because "you can never tell when these non-denominational, goof-around weddings are gonna staht." Once she's gone, Jack introduces himself to Paul, whose last name is Lastname (pronounce last-nah-may). Jack confirms that Paul is a drag queen, and Paul says it's actually been causing trouble with Jenna. He wonders if you can be in love with two women at once. Jack draws from his own experience and says it's possible, but you ultimately have to choose, even if you always wonder whether you made the right choice. Paul thanks him for the guidance.
In the bathroom, Nancy overhears Avery having a freak-out in one of the bathroom stalls and offers her her untouched glass of champagne. Nancy says that Avery looks familiar and pinpoints it to a commercial for Overshoppe.com from before Avery lost her Maryland accent. "That accent's idiotic," says Nancy. Avery explains that she's not normally this hyped-up on hormones, then screams at herself in the mirror to "clamp down." She takes a sip of wine before realizing she shouldn't be drinking. Nancy gets a knowing look in her eyes and asks if Avery wants to talk about it.
While Lemon looks for Wesley's shoes in his office, someone knocks on the door. The man (played by Matt Damon) walks in and introduces himself as Carol. He's disheartened to learn that Wesley is no longer employed at the insurance agency, since he rearranged his whole Saturday to make the appointment. Lemon spies his epaulettes and wonders if he's a doorman. He retorts, "Yeah, I'm a doorman -- to the sky!" He explains that he's a pilot, and that he filed a workman's comp claim because one of his passengers got drunk and rowdy during a runway delay. Even though he implemented sky law (a made-up timeout for all his passengers), the passenger was still so rowdy that he flipped her off, and she bit his finger.
In the midst of this colorful story, Lemon discovers that she and Carol have lots of common ground, such as disdain for flip-flops in church and the out-of-control "NBA tattoo situation." He's also a massive fan of TGS and will not abide any of his passengers smack-talking the show. Lemon can't believe her ears and asks if he believes in fate. He in turn can't believe that she's the head writer for his favorite show. He especially loves that Lemon writes a sketch called "Fart Doctor." Lemon embraces fate and invites him to Cerie's wedding. As it's a better alternative than eating alone at the LaGuardia Chili's, he's in.
30 Rock, Kenneth looks at a picture of Tracy hanging in the hallway and promises not to leave him, no matter what it takes. With that, the Kabletown execs' tour begins: "Good afternoon and welcome -- NOT! We begin our stupid tour of this once-great network outside Studio 6H. Uh oh, Ring ring! [Picks up fake phone.] Wassup? Nuthin, just givin' a dumb tour to a bunch of uggos [points at executives]. Let's meet up later and smoke some drug cigarettes."
Back at the wedding, Jack and Carol are getting along famously. Jack wonders if he can pick Carol's brain because he's developing a daytime talk show with Sully Sullenberger. "Yeah, I met that guy," Carol scoffs, "he's not that great. You know a great pilot would have done? Not hit the birds. That's what I do every day -- not hit birds. Where's my ticket to the Grammys?" Nancy returns from the bathroom, and Jack wonders what took so long. She says just the usual girl troubles -- boy drama, tampon shortages, difficulty with math, etc. Lemon announces that the wedding is starting, so Nancy offers to go get the table number and sends Jack to the bar to bring back as many drinks as he can carry. Carol tells Lemon he'll see her at the reception, then tells her to "get ready for summa this." Cue white-guy Running Man.
Lemon beams as she walks over to Jack. She says that Carol is indeed with her and says "you're welcome" for that fact that Nancy is still with Jack. "A smug 40-year-old bridesmaid. What a treat for everyone," he deadpans. Lemon wonders what made the decision for him. He told her he simply had to decide, and that was it. She thinks it's the opposite, that "you can't force your fate. You just have to let it wash over you, like a spray tan that won't take because your skin is too oily." Jack says her ideas are absurd and that the people who control the world are the ones who control their destiny, not the ones who don't do but the ones who do do. Lemon snickers that he just said "do do." He ignores her childish sense of humor and says, "The point is that I've made my choice, and I'm not looking back, period." Teehee, he just said "period."
Across the room, Nancy finds Jack's place card, except Avery is listed as his plus-one. She puts two and two together that Jack's other woman is the same Avery she was just comforting in the bathroom.
Back at 30 Rock, Pete takes Kenneth to task for giving a terrible tour to the Kabletown head honchos. Kenneth explains that he intentionally did poorly on the tour so he wouldn't have to move to Los Angeles. "Everyone there smiles creepily all the time," he says, "and that's sort of my thing!" Pete tells him he went too far and is getting fired. Kenneth sadly hands in his badge and his gun. Wait, what?
At the reception, Nancy places the table card in front of Jack. He immediately apologizes for the embarrassing oversight, but she'd rather hear the truth. She knows why Jack loves her, but why does he love Avery? He tries to pacify her anger by saying he likes how Avery's "not as hot as" Nancy, but she's not biting. So he lists a number of reasons why he likes Avery, from her knowledge of the Dow to her deer huntin' skills, then he gets to the rub: "Her laugh is like music -- really mean music. And she always wears high heels because, according to her, flat shoes are for quitters." He thinks Nancy might actually like Avery, too. Nancy realizes that Jack really does love both her and Avery. She says that makes her feel better about leaving and tells Jack that Avery's at the wedding. And that Avery's pregnant. She tells him it's fate.
Elsewhere, Wesley strides in and screams at Lemon's assigned groomsman -- who's also a sword-wielding Somali pirate -- to unhand his fiancée. He calls Lemon out for ending their engagement with a text, saying her behavior "has been as weak as American tea." Jenna is thrilled about Lemon's pending nuptials -- mainly because she wants to have a sluts-themed bachelorette party. But Lemon calls the engagement off and begins a grand speech about how she realizes now that fate was only pushing her together so that she could meet Carol. Even though she's only known him a few hours, she thinks Carol's the one, and she's confident that he will be okay with her "disgusting foot secret." She tells Wesley that he, the TGS moms and Buzz Aldrin were wrong: People don't have to settle. She says goodbye to Wesley and sends praise to the universe that love is real. He snits that it's her loss, saying "there's only one Wesley Snipes in this world." Lemon reminds him of that other one, and he mutters curses to himself on the way out.
Unfortunately for Lemon, the triumph of her epiphanies is dulled when she turns around to find Carol behind her. He heard everything and is not lovin' the TMI. He excuses himself to seek comfort in a basket of baby back ribs. Wow, he and Lemon really are perfect for each other.
Across the room, CW-esque emo music plays as Avery descends the stairs toward Jack. Jack finally gets annoyed and asks Radio Man, who's sitting nearby, to turn his boom box down. Radio Man cuts off the clichéd tunes, says "Mazel tov," and makes his way out. Jack tells Avery he wants to get married, but she's not so quick to accept his gallant proposal. She hadn't planned on being pregnant for another two years and is thinking about suing Dodecacil, Jack and their unborn child. He tells her that fate has intervened. She says she doesn't want this if he's just trying to do the right thing. He assures her he has always wanted this. To seal the deal, he pulls a little reverse psychology and says maybe it'll be too hard for her to balance motherhood and a career, as well as stay tight for the camera like Soledad O'Brien. "I wipe the floor with that bitch!" shouts Avery. And it's settled.
Some time later, a dashiki-clad Lemon does her on riff on Corinthians 13:4, including that love is weird and sometimes gross, in her toast to Grizz and Feyoncé. Tracy busts in to thank Jack for allowing the wedding to take place at Studio 6H since "the other location couldn't support the weight of Grizz's extended family." The guests hit the floor to dance, while Lemon and Jenna hit the bar to drink away their troubles. Lemon moans about blowing her shot with Carol, then wonders if she can make a go of it with the Somali pirate. "I could live on a boat," she muses. Jenna says she hasn't even seen Paul and fears that he made his choice. Lemon says they should swear off men, which Jenna interprets as bicuriosity. Lemon was thinking more along the lines of a knitting circle. Jenna swears her allegiance to sisterhood for about 0.75 seconds before she spots Paul across the room.
She walks over to Paul in Cher drag, saying, "You have a lot of taped-up balls to come her dressed like that!" He turns toward her to reveal that he's split himself down the middle. On his right side, he's Cher. On his left, he's 'Gina Baloney. Dear God, I didn't realize something could be more horrifying than Jenna making out with herself. Throw Cher into the mix, and I think my brain is oozing out of my ears... Paul tells Jenna that the relationship won't work if it's all about her. He tells her he's the man, so she must respect him. Jenna digs this new side of Paul and tells him "Yes, shma'am."
Back at the bar, Jack tells Lemon she's wearing a young boy's puberty dashiki, but she corrects him that it's a warlord's concubine dashiki. Avery joins the riveting conversation. Lemon panics and blusters about how not-shocked she is, and how appropriate Avery's arrival and pregnancy are. Jack averts a bad situation by telling Lemon that Carol has returned. She runs and leaps over a table to talk to him. He tells her he left his passengers waiting on the runway because he realized that he's single at 39 for a reason -- he's been too picky. He knows now that no one is perfect, and that if Lemon's only flaws are her weird speeches and foot issues, then he'd still like to give this relationship a shot. She happily accepts and promises she has medicine for the foot thing. She takes it perhaps a step too far when she claims to be normal. At which point Jenna and Cher Baloney Lastname walk up to thank her for encouraging their love. Carol doesn't care, though, because he's too ecstatic to be meeting "one-and-a-half Jenna Maroneys."
Kenneth interrupts the meet-and-greet when he drunkenly takes the microphone and breaks the news that he's been fired. He slurs the most dramatic speech he can imagine: "You won't have Kenneth Ellen Parcell to kick around anymore, so I want to tell you people what I really think of you. For four long years, I have listened to you all complain about your East Coast media elite problems, your apartment renovations, and your overpriced Star Wars memorabilia. I have watched you throw away better food than my family has at Christmas! And I have loved it! You people, you are my best friends, and I hope you get everything you want in life. So kiss my face! I'll see you all in Heaven! Have a wonderful summer!"
Bonus: A gospel choir sings as everyone happily dances. Jack and Avery laugh about their bright, ruthless future child; Carol does his running man and airplane dance moves for Lemon, and shirtless Tracy crosses the stage with a hoedown. With so much joy in the room, I don't think I can say it any better than Kenneth -- and who ever can, really? -- so have a wonderful summer!
Love for Mommies
Jack: What can I say, Nancy? I want to be with you. I want to take naps with you. I want to watch you watch a hockey game. I want to find long red hairs in my overcooked pot roast. I love you. I do love you because you know that who I really am is a poor mama's boy from Sandchester, Massachusetts, who had to wear his sister's hand-me-down corduroys.
Nancy: They were orange and had hearts for pockets.
Jack: And you like me anyway!
Nancy: Yeah, I get it, Jack, but what are you gonna do about it? I can't share you with another woman like you're that Mormon guy on HBO who was in the tornado movie -- the one with the girl with the forehead and was married to that Jew guy.
Jack: What?
Nancy: I'm a mom, give me a break!
Time-Cher Arrangement
Jenna: Paul? [Is shocked at the sight of his Cher costume.] What are you doing?
Paul: I thought you were going to get your hair done for your friend's wedding.
Jenna: I was, but I forgot my bag of hair. Is this who you're into now? Cher?! You're being another woman behind my back?
Paul: It's not what it looks like.
Jenna: Spare me your lame excuses. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but when a girl dates a straight guy who impersonates her onstage for mostly gay audiences, she has certain expectations. Fidelity, Paul. It's not just the name of a bank that sued me.
This Week in Tracy Tips: Career 101
Tracy: California? No way, Ken! You gotta tank this promotion. Do a sloppy job, and they'll leave you alone. That's how I got out of foreplay with Angie... and my taxes.
Kenneth: But that's not in my nature.
Tracy: If you've learned anything from me, it's how to do a bad job. Go. Honor me. Save yourself. But first get me a sandwich!
Kenneth: Get it yourself, chubs. I'm on a coffee break.
Tracy: That's my boy!
An Introduction Fit for a Queen
Jack: Jack Donaghy.
Paul: Paul Lastname, Jenna's boyfriend.
Jack: Oh, I've heard a lot about you, Paul.
Paul: Well, it's all true: I'm a native of Houston, and I love to cook healthy.
Jack: And the female impersonator stuff?
Paul: Oh, sure, of course.
Jack and Paul Have Two Things in Common, Apparently
Paul: Do you think it's possible to love two women at once.
Jack: I know it's possible. But at some point, you have to choose, Paul. You can't delude yourself with thoughts like, "What if I could somehow combine them into one perfect woman?" Like a s'more you could take a shower with.
Paul: But how do you know if you've made the right decision?
Jack: You don't. You'll always be wondering what your life would have been like if you'd opened that other door.
Paul: Like at a haunted house sex party?
Jack: Exactly.
"I Would Be a Kick-Ass Mom"
Jack: You can't control everything, Avery. Sometimes it's just fate.
Avery: Is there gay juice in the champagne?
Jack: You see? I want you to teach our child to say awesome stuff like that!
LYLAS
Lemon: You know what? Forget men. We've got each other.
Jenna: Yeah... let's go lez!
Lemon: No. I meant like, a book club or something. Geez.
The Start of Something Beautiful
Lemon: Carol, what are you doing here? How did you get past security?
Carol: You walk briskly in a pilot's uniform, you can go pretty much anywhere. I've been upstairs at the White House while the Obamas were sleeping.
Lemon: I thought you had a flight?
Carol: Yeah, I do. Those dirt bags can wait on the runway a couple more hours.
Lemon: I hate people, too!
Watch this episode here, discuss it in our forums, then learn the language of 30 Rock!
See what made the cut in this list of TV's 50 most shocking moments ever.
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