In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
It's Jack's birthday, and he's happily settling into his relationship with Avery. That is, until Nancy Donovan returns to announce she's gotten him the best present of all -- a divorce. Jack decides to juggle his two paramours until he can decide which one he wants for the long haul. This undertaking proves increasingly difficult, even for the formidable Mr. Donaghy. In the end, he chooses not to choose just yet.
Meanwhile, Lemon has her own relationship woes. She branches out, joining local singles groups for everything from from dodgeball to line dancing (and cheese tasting, obvs) -- but to no avail. It probably doesn't help that she has no qualms hurling dodgeballs at her crushes' heads. When Jack goes on a date with Avery and relegates Nancy, that ol' Beantown sage, to one of Lemon's events, Nancy advises Lemon to focus on what she wants in a man and go for it. Lemon blurts her checklist to a sexy dodgeball opponent only to discover he doesn't speak any English... and may be an alcoholic. So much for epiphanies!
And alas poor Toofer! Tracy mentions that TGS's favorite token... um... Harvard alum is a beneficiary of affirmative action. So the Bulldog himself quits. His abrupt departure leaves Pete with a pile of paperwork that pisses him off enough to dig into Lemon's files and ascertain that she, too, has benefited from affirmative action pretty much all her life. Toofer eventually returns to the show on the condition that everyone stop calling him Toofer. But, faced with his potential new nicknames, he decides it's not so bad being "Toofer" after all.
Watch this episode here, discuss it in our forums, then learn the language of 30 Rock!
TWoP's been nominated for a Webby Award for Mobile Entertainment. Please cast a vote for us here. Vote early, vote often!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Jack gives his Q1 report over the phone to someone, who we quickly realize is Avery. Yes, their relationship is business to the max. She gets all hot and bothered, warning him that she's wearing a "slutty Grace Kelly" get-up to an event that evening. Jack licks his chops in anticipation, only to have his sartorial boner crushed when Lemon scampers in wearing a schlubby sweat suit and brandishing an audio birthday card that she couldn't be bothered to figure out, beyond saying "Test, test, test" and shrilling the Wonder Woman theme. Jack snarks that his true present is her lovely ensemble, which he likens to the clothes of "a prison weed dealer." Lemon explains that she's just come from a singles dodgeball game. She's forcing herself to attend as many singles events as possible these days. Jack says he wishes she had it as easy as he does with Avery. He smugs, "As my good friend and fox-hunting partner Mary J. Blige would say, 'No more drama.'" On cue, Nancy Donovan materializes and announces that she's finally gone through with her divorce. Credits.
Downstairs, Jenna asks Lemon how dodgeball went. Flash to Lemon getting a wink from a cute guy on the other team, then pelting him in the head with a ball and yelling, "Eat it, bitch!" Jenna is flummoxed at Lemon's lack of suave with the fellas. Lemon says no matter because she has more events to come. Jenna offers to be Lemon's wingman as part of her research for an upcoming movie.
Jenna heads off, and Lemon spots Jack walking Nancy through the corridor. Jack tries to introduce Nancy to Tracy, but he's on the hunt for "a red-headed MILF walking around with some executive" that he heard about through the grapevine. Nancy takes it as a compliment and mentions how she's actually enjoying being newly single. Jack tells Nancy he'll see her at lunch, then asks Kenneth to escort her to the elevator. They all have a forced laugh, and Kenneth insists they haven't met before.
Lemon asks if Avery knows about this recent development. Jack is just as surprised as she is, saying he didn't think Nancy would ever get divorced. He has decided to let things play out, dating both women until he can make an informed decision about which of his two lady loves is the best for him. Lemon thinks Jack's in over his head, noting that "Mrs. Doubtfire shimself could not do this." She warns him against his bleak future of singles dodgeball by shoving a pair or sweat-soaked rec-specs in his face. Jack is disgusted by this thought but still arrogant enough to go through with his plan.
Meanwhile, Toofer strolls into Tracy's dressing room saying someone on the subway called him a "biggledy boo." Tracy translates for Grizz and Dot Com that "biggledy boo" was an 18th century derogative for black people. Tracy has taken the liberty of learning many languages' racial slurs (including dolphin!) so he'll be prepared to take offense. Thus begins a debate over whether racism is back in the wake of Obama's election. In Tracy's world, post-racial = racism reborn. He warns Toofer to get ready because his affirmative action days are over.
Elsewhere, Lemon wonders if more men will show up to her line dancing event. The one that is there thinks saying "I collect posters" is a turn-on. On the upside, he is unimpressed by Jenna's attention-hogging ways.
Across town, Nancy gives Jack a birthday present of saltwater taffy at lunch. He reminisces about the good times they had working together one summer at Cape Bilge, and she tells him she even got the owner to make a batch of "that flavor we invented." Jack chimes in, "Peanut butter and Miller High Life!" Nancy says she's only in town for a few days and wonders if Jack really needs to go to his fancy event that night. She asks, "Is it better than me?" Jack equivocates, bumbling about how the black-tie stuff (a.k.a. Avery) isn't better, just different, and that he doesn't know which he'd rather choose yet. He offers to meet her for drinks after the event.
That night, Avery and Jack hobnob with the glitterati at the black tie event. She wants to make their courtship official at the step-and-repeat, but Jack is afraid of Nancy seeing the picture in the paper. He makes an excuse that he can't risk the appearance of impropriety during the FCC's review of his Kabletown acquisition. "It wouldn't look good," he says, "like... Santa Claus taking a shower." Avery gets the comparison (should I?) and agrees to meet him once she's done on the red carpet.
30 Rock. Toofer stomps into Lemon's office to ask if he's benefited from affirmative action. She does very little to squelch his anger, essentially admitting that affirmative action is exactly why he's around. Toofer says he doesn't want a job that he hasn't earned and quits on the spot.
Nancy's hotel. Jack arrives in his tux, and pajama-clad Nancy apologizes for bringing their fancy date out indoors. She wore herself out walking around town in high-heeled boots that afternoon. She has a couple of warm beers from the train ride to make up for it, though! She fumblingly asks if they can wait until morning to consummate their long-awaited courtship. Jack says it's okay, and they settle in for a Lee Marvin marathon on TCM. Shortly after Jack clasps his arm around Nancy, Avery calls to invite him to invite him to Derek Jeter's apartment to join an ongoing beer pong game between the New York Yankees and New York's former mayors. Jack claims he has a suddenly work obligation and excuses himself.
30 Rock. Lemon asks about Jack's ongoing love triangle. He says he needs her help because of Avery's interception last night. Lemon is grossed out at the fact that Jack may have been with two women in one night and calls out Jack for being a "John Mayer-style garbage dick" (I'm pretty sure "dick" is where she was going, at least). Jack assures her he didn't go through with anything but is merely having trouble choosing. He says he feels like whichever woman he happens to be with at that moment seems like the right one. He admits that juggling women is beyond him and asks her to keep Nancy company during his birthday dinner with Avery. Lemon bemoans her fate as a single woman of a certain age, but Jack pawns her lack of dating success off on her sour attitude. She reminds him that he's asking her for a favor. He preys on her sympathy, saying that if he plays things wrong, he'll lose both women -- or "even worse, they're both going to lose" him. Lemon concedes to keep watch over Nancy, then literally gets her eyes locked while rolling them at him.
Downstairs, Pete gripes about all the paperwork Toofer created when he left. He asks Tracy to help him out by calling Toofer, which sends Tracy into a racial rant about the hostile environment at 30 Rock. Frank points out that his people (Italians) have also been stereotyped but have moved past it and become successful members of society. He speculates that every-black-man Tracy doesn't like being treated as an equal. Tracy shoots back that they're all just jealous that Disney finally got a black princess. Jenna points out that Disney hasn't had a white princess since 1991, and Pete goes through his mental rolodex of Disney princesses to confirm her statement. Ah, the joys of fatherhood! Jenna takes the opportunity to stump for her latest charity: "Jenna's Kids. It's a summer camp that teaches pretty blonde girls how to be mean." Then she gives herself a solitary round of applause.
Lemon enters, so Pete diverts his attention to beg her to get Toofer back. Tracy says she wouldn't because of her Aryan fear and hatred of "the black man," as witnessed in the Blade movies. Lemon says she didn't want Toofer to leave but respects his decision. She steps up on her own soapbox about being a woman in the business and receiving no special treatment. This speech is met with many groans.
That night, Jack and Avery meet for his birthday dinner. She says she knows why he was anxious to step out on the red carpet with her -- his age. He plays along with her theory, asking her if they're kidding themselves with their 15-year age gap. He asks if she even knows who Lee Marvin is. And that'd be a big no. She does appear to know a little about Marv Albert, though. Jack talks himself through the things he'd miss, like having a family, by dating someone his own age. Avery cuts him off, saying they've only been dating a month. She distracts him by handing him his present -- the very pair of cuff links Reagan was buried in. She tells Jack someday he'll be as great a man as Reagan was. He intones, "I do like jelly beans."
Elsewhere, Lemon and Nancy have sequestered themselves at a table at Lemon's wine- and cheese-tasting singles event. Nancy proves a better wingman than Jenna as she pulls a guy aside with a comment about Avatar, thus paving the way for a conversation... at least for a normal person. Then there's Lemon, who screws it up post-haste. Nancy asks why Lemon is self-sabotaging. She asks who among all these single men might pique Lemon's interest. Instead of picking one, Lemon catalogs all of the possible problems with the men in her vicinity. Nancy eventually tells her to snap out of it, and to focus not on the negative but on what she does want. "Go get it!" she tells her. Across the room, we learn that Jenna has gate-crashed this event, too. She tries to wow the guy from line dancing with her ability to stuff cheese in her mouth. He remains unimpressed.
The day, Lemon returns to dodgeball. There she finds the guy whose face she smashed in earlier. He instinctively cowers before her, but she promises she doesn't want to hurt him. Instead, she tells him -- all while being pelted with balls -- that she wants a guy "who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty out the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed... like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince!" She concludes, "And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I'm old." She stands there, waiting for approval from this man she just poured out her heart to. His response? "You make-a much English. This is fun alcoholic's meeting!" With that, she gives an awkward smile, picks up the ball, and flings it at him. You're out! You, too, Liz Lemon!
30 Rock. Pete tells Lemon he went digging through her files when he was filling out Toofer's exit paperwork. Cue a string of Lemon's affirmative action-enabled accomplishments, from securing a jazz dance scholarship to college to getting her show on the air in the aftermath of a misogynistic action show (cameo courtesy of Will Ferrell). Lemon has a crisis of conscience that she hasn't earned her place at NBC. The only way she can get through it is to dance away her sorrows.
She jazz-hands up to Jack's office, where she finds him staring at his two birthday gifts: saltwater taffy from Nancy and Reagan cuff links from Avery. He confirms that she got a leg-up because of affirmative action, then redirects the conversation to his dating dilemma. He tries to make a decision on the spot. He chooses Avery, and Lemon wonders if it's just because Jack saw her last. Nancy interrupts to say she's on her way back to Boston. She offers to come back down in a few weeks so she can "cook [Jack] a pot roast, drink too much wine, and... see how it goes." Sounds like a winner to me. Jack agrees to the date and hugs Nancy as Lemon makes frantic gestures in the background and Avery pipes up on TV to say that a developing story represents a conflict of interest that has personally outraged her. Lemon falls to the ground with a thud, hoping to break up Jack's deceitful hug with Nancy, but he lets her lie there.
Writers' room. Toofer makes his triumphant return as the only person at TGS who can spell. He tells the gang that the terms of his new employment preclude them from calling him Toofer anymore. They leap at the chance to give him a new nickname. Contenders include Victoria Q. Nerdballs (Lemon), Kanye East (Jenna), Supervirgin (Frank), Sply (a mash-up of "black" and "spy" from Tracy), and Threefer ("'cause you're also gay," says Pete). With those out on the table, Toofer decides his current moniker will have to do.
And now for jokes that boldly go where, well... many jokes have gone before. This time with 100% more dead baby cows!
Single and Reluctant to Mingle
Jenna: How many more of these things are you going to?
Lemon: Line dancing this afternoon, then tomorrow is the wine and cheese tasting -- or as I like to call it, "Singles Fart Suppression."
Jenna: Maybe I should go with you, be your wingman.
Lemon: Oh, thanks, Jenna, but you don't want to do that.
Jenna: No, it'd be good acting research for me. I'm up for a role in National Lampoon's Van Wilder's Wingmen Incorporated.
Lemon: I look forward to not watching that on an airplane.
Never Trust a Bald Barber... or a Lemon with Dating Advice
Jack: Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut -- sometimes awkward triangles occur.
Lemon: I feel like you've been saving that one.
Jack: Obviously this is unexpected. I really didn't think that Nancy would ever get divorced.
Lemon: Why would a lady get divorced at 50? Stick it out! Men die first, then you have two wonderful years, then you die.
The New Black
Tracy: I'm telling you, Dot Com, old-school racism is back.
Toofer: How can racism be back when we elected a black president?
Tracy: Barry Obams is the one who brought it back!
Toofer: So you're saying that racism is back because white people no longer feel sorry for us?
Tracy: Hey, something's going on. You know what I saw last night? A Slomin's Shield commercial with a black burglar!
Dot Com: That's not good.
Grizz: Come to think of it, I saw a white judge on Law and Order last night!
Tracy: Oh yeah, it's back on! Get ready, son. All you've ever known is your affirmative action job and Queen Latifah CoverGirl commercials.
Page Sicks
Avery: You always know you're at the right party when it feels like The Riddler is about to attack. Look at this guest list -- Harvey Weinstein, Glenn Beck, Ashley Olsen.
Jack: These are the people who make New York great.
Avery: Come on, let's do the red carpet together. The Post will love it! "Money Bunny Avery Jessup Steps Out with Sex-ecutive Jack Donaghy."
Color Coding
Toofer: Liz, I work here because I'm hilarious, right?
Lemon: Is that a trick question?
Toofer: Today Tracy made the accusation that I am the beneficiary of affirmative action.
Lemon: Yeah, well, Tracy is a buffoon.
Tracy [pops his head in]: That is a 15th century term for a black pirate. Racist!
Toofer: Is my presence on this staff tokenism?
Lemon: Toofer, you are an invaluable member of our team.
Toofer: Then why are my paychecks a different color than Frank's?
Lemon: Because... your salary does not come out of our budget. Look, Toof, you provide a point of view that is essential to keep the diversity... guy from bothering us.
Apologies to Joyce DeWitt
Lemon: How's your episode of Three's Company going?
Jack: Like Three's Company, it's titillating and anxiety-producing. I need your help... Janet.
Lemon: Aw man, being Janet sucks!
A Peek At Lemon's Bookshelf
Lemon: You know what? This whole thing is unfair. You're juggling dating two beautiful women while I have to pay to have kickballs whipped at me. This is gender inequity out the yang!
Jack: This has nothing to do with the slight difference in our genders.
Lemon: Yes, it does. The older you get the more distinguished you are. Meanwhile, I'm reading a book called Hiding Your Arms, Hiding Your Anger: Dating Over 35.
Wordsmithing 101 with Tracy Jordan
Pete: Tracy, buddy, will you call Toofer and talk some sense into him?
Tracy: Oh yeah, just ask the black guy 'cause we all know each other. Pete, could you tell a bald eagle to stop scarin' me at zoos? You know, I've been wantin' to say this for a few seconds now -- this workplace has become a hotbed of old-school racism.
Pete: Come on, Tra, no one here is racist.
Tracy: Oh yeah? How come I'm always forced to play ridickerous characters that don'un-anunciate well?
Mmmm... Baby Cows
Avery: I love coming here. You know this is one of the only restaurants in America with a veal tank.
Jack: It just tastes better when you pick your own!
Age Before Beauty
Avery: You know, Jack, I think I know the real reason you were acting weird about doing the red carpet with me.
Jack: Okay?
Avery: You're self-conscious about age difference, and you thought you'd look old standing to me.
Jack: You're very perceptive.
Avery: I get why it's on your mind, what with your birthday and my amazing skin. And sure, people in this restaurant might think that you're my dad...
Jack: ...or that you're my prostitute?
Avery: Exactly!
Turning Lemons into Women Aid
Pete: Well, well, well, never got a hand-up, huh Liz Lemon?
Lemon: What? Come on, Pete, I'm in a good mood.
Pete: And it's over! While trying to find Toofer's dental records in personnel down on the basement mezzanine, I pulled your file. Elizabeth I-don't-know-how-to-pronounce-your-middle-name Lemon.
Lemon: [Garbled, sounds like "Yahvali."]
Pete: You attended the University of Maryland on a partial competitive jazz dance scholarship.
Lemon: So?
Pete: So, NCAA competitive jazz dance was created as part of Title IX -- because of a program that favored women.
Lemon: Favored women to correct an imbalance.
Pete: You were only hired by the Second City because they needed someone who could remember to feed the theater cat.
Lemon: Oh no, Otis!
Pete: You're gonna hate this one: The only reason NBC picked up The Girly Show is because of flack they got from women's groups after airing the action-drama Bitch Hunter.
Lemon: Oh my God! I'm no better than Toofer. Or Lutz with his B.S. Inuit ancestry. Or you, whose dad was in the Masons with Dave Garraway. I shouldn't be here!
Pete: This is America. None of us are supposed to be here.
Lemon: I need to dance this out.
And the Kicker
Lemon: Jack, would TGS have gotten on TV if I was a dude?
Jack: No, it was affirmative action. Why do you think your checks aren't the same color as Howie Mandel's?
Watch this episode here, discuss it in our forums, then learn the language of 30 Rock!
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.