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Just as Lemon's made a date with a new man, Floyd (surname: deBarber, love it!) stops back into town for a couple of days and wants to see her. She lets herself get excited about the possibility of rekindling their Cleveland-squelched flame, only to see him on the Today show participating in a wedding contest with his fiancée. Wouldn't that have been nice to know? On their not-date, she asks politely that he not rub her face in his happiness by getting married in Rockefeller Plaza, but he explains he's in the contest to help his ab model wife get exposure so they can move back to New York together. Yeah, Floyd, that didn't really soften the blow. Lemon reverts to Plan B, conspiring to give Floyd food poisoning with the fish at the restaurant (she's been sick there three times before). Instead, former alcoholic Floyd gets wasted and belligerent from the sauce on his three orders of Jack Daniels salmon. The bender carries on to the morning, when Floyd morning-show-bombs (and nearly tosses his salmon on) Hoda and Kathie Lee. Lemon explains everything to Floyd's soon-to-be-wife -- even gives her some TGS swag as a sort of olive branch -- and gets some closure on her feelings for Floyd, only to be sucked back in when Floyd's fiancée asks her to join the wedding party. A dry wedding with an ab model and someone you used to have sex with. Sounds likes a blast!
Meanwhile, Danny is pleased as poutine after receiving a Juno (Canadian Grammy) nomination and being featured in a New York Times profile. Pete schemes to avoid the inevitable jealous fits from Jenna and Tracy by sequestering them to create plaster molds of their faces all day -- with narration and storytelling by Kenneth! This has a predictably adverse effect, inspiring horrifying sexual dreams about Kenneth for both of them. But the aforementioned dreams bring some amazing half-naked Kenneth dancing, so that's a plus. They resolve to fix their problem in the only way they see possible -- going to sleep and killing Kenneth in a Nightmare on Elm Street-style dream war. Unfortunately, when they set about it, they're actually not asleep. Fortunately, Pete arrives early enough to stop them from murdering everyone's favorite flash-dancin' Page. But it's a good deed that goes punished when the sexy Kenneth dreams (now with more Lemon!) transfer to Pete. And there are silver hot pants with a strategically placed NBC peacock. Ohhhhhh yeah.
Danny's success also inspires a bit of jealousy in Frank, Toofer, and Lutz, a.k.a. the Pranksmen. They mock up a fake, disparaging profile of Danny. Jack spots the prank immediately and mentors the young Canuck in how to retaliate. Thus is born a prank war, in which Danny is barely involved, weirdly. The writers dig up a powerful secret on Jack, forcing him out of important meetings and generally wrecking his day. In return, Jack threatens to have a threesome with Danny and Frank's mom. No joke. Jack, 1; writers, 0.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Lemon and Jenna walk into work as Lemon describes her latest flop of a date. Lemon says she won't let one failure get her down, she's going to keep putting positive vibes out there and wait for good things to come to her. As if on cue, Kenneth tells her she has a message from a "Mr. deBarber." That'd be Floyd, Lemon's former love who moved to Cleveland. And yes, that would make his name Floyd deBarber. Obviously Tina Fey and her writers are banking on an older demographic. Jenna is astounded that Lemon's Secret-style approach to life work. She sends out a good vibe to the universe to send her a white football player -- "no kickers or linemen." Credits.
Over in the writers' room, Pete congratulates Danny on being nominated for a Juno, a.k.a. the Canadian Grammy. Danny explains that he recorded the "Are You Ready for Some Football"-esque song that plays on the big screen during Ottawa Senators hockey games. And, I must say, after listening to it over and over, it's kind of catchy. Could Danny and his Canuck friends have created the new "Umbrella-ella-ella-eh?" (No pun intended on the "eh.") Either way, the exposure has even scored him a New York Times profile. Danny leaves, and Frank moans about all of Danny's positivity. He, Toofer, and Lutz ("The Pranksmen") decide to mess with him by writing a fake profile and putting it in the company-wide press packet to make him look like an idiot. While Frank and Toofer are jubilant in their scheming, Lutz is just happy to have friends. The most he's ever had, in fact. Two.
Out in the hall, Pete finds Kenneth to tell him they need to keep Tracy and Jenna occupied all day so they don't see Danny's profile, get jealous, and act out like children. He says he's going to send them to makeup to get plaster casts of their faces made. He anticipates it should take about 12 hours (or at least that how long it needs to take), so Kenneth offers to keep them company. Pete's face absolutely lights up at the thought of Kenneth telling an immobilized, voiceless Tracy and Jenna his stories for half a day. He says they'll absolutely hate it, with a sadistic glee reminiscent of Gary Oldman's character in Hannibal. Kenneth's stories are that guy's man-eating pigs. And, coincidentally, about half of his stories probably do involve man-eating pigs. Pete leaves, convinced, and Kenneth chuckles to himself: "Silly Mr. Hornberger, always saying 'hate' when he means 'love.'"
Over in Lemon's office, she calls Floyd. He says he's in New York for a few days and wants to catch up so she can check out the Chola eyebrows he's grown. She can't meet up with him that night, but they make a date for the night, and it looks promising.
Jack's office. Danny rushes in, mortified about all the quotes falsely attributed to him in his Times profile. Jack quickly ascertains that it's a prank -- his big tip-off being that the paper doesn't have any reporters named Seymour Nips. He guesses it's the work of "Frank, the black one and Lutz." They dub themselves The Silver Panthers, vow not to let this slight stand, and begin plotting their revenge.
Downstairs, Lemon shares with the writers that Floyd called, and she's actually a little excited about the possibilities. (She also drops in that Floyd used to be an alcoholic -- more on that later -- a coincidence since Frank's hat says "Sort of Loaded".) But her happiness is short-lived when she sees Floyd and his bride-to-be on TV. They're finalists in a Today show contest to have their wedding on the show. The happy couple share a kiss. Lemon does a verbal spit take.
Down the hall, Kenneth regales plaster-paralyzed Tracy and Jenna with his stories. See below.
Lemon's office. Forlorn Lemon watches a montage of Floyd and his fiancée romping about New York. Jack comes in to ask for her "weakness files" on Frank, Toofer and Lutz. Lemon mock-chipperly announces Floyd's engagement. Even Jack, who firmly believes in "Bs before Hs," says Floyd keeping her in the dark on this info was pretty low. Lemon starts to break up about how her love with Floyd didn't turn into an '80s movie with a sweeping Christopher Cross song playing them out as the sun set. She actually starts singing the song she had in mind, but Jack snaps her out of by reminding her that things didn't work out for him with Nancy, either. Of course, this topic quickly turns into a pity party for Jack, too, which is only broken up when Lemon hears Floyd screaming his love for his future wife through her open window. She freaks out and yells down at him to shut the eff up, tagging on a very subtle, "This isn't Liz!"
She returns to her conversation with Jack, declaring that Floyd cannot win the competition. He urges her not to pursue revenge and to "stick to the high road because the low road is a slippery slope." She agrees that it's just like TV, where you once couldn't say "crap" but now everything from "asswipe" to "anal rot" (Jack's offering) is allowed. She says she's going to meet him tomorrow night for dinner and ask him, as a friend, not to get married in her proverbial backyard. Jack notes that she's gotten food poisoning from the fish at the restaurant where she's taking Floyd three times. Coincidence or Lemonspiracy? As he walks away, Jack warns Lemon that, with these tactics, she'll never be a Silver Panther. "I don't care," she shouts. "I'll start my own group. Rejection from society is what created the X-Men!" Now, now, Lemon. Do we really want to be aligning ourselves with mutants?
Elsewhere, Tracy and Jenna endure more Kenneth stories. Well, actually, now they're more like road trip directions through the more rural parts of Georgia. Tracy squirms, and Jenna bangs her head against the makeup chair.
Writers' room. Danny runs in, frantic, and flips on the TV. Frank, Toofer, and Lutz watch as Lester Holt says there's a mysterious, toxic gas leak in 30 Rock, and it's triggered the building's automatic locks. The doors slam behind him. Then Holt says the gas has created a "Cloverfield-type monster that cannot detect the smell of human skin" and lets everyone but these three stooges know that this is Danny and Jack's prank in play. Holt says anyone still inside should disrobe immediately, so the men scream like girls and start ripping off their clothes. Once they're down to their skivvies, plus Frank's hat, Jack busts open the doors and brings some of the TGS dancers in for a little look-and-laugh. Danny says they're even, and Jack leaves, dismissing them: "As you were, nerds." He also smugs, "Circulus et prunum, circulus et prunum."
Meanwhile, Kenneth reads aloud from his autobiography, including spaces. Jenna scratches at her neck as if she's developing hives.
The day, Jenna is mercifully free and getting her morning coffee with Lemon. Kenneth greets them cheerfully as he passes by. Jenna looks flustered, finally admitting to Lemon that, after hearing Kenneth's voice for all those hour, she had a very graphic dream about him the night before. She starts into it, but Lemon shuts her up with some good, old-fashioned "la la laaaaaaa!" Then Tracy joins the conversation, complaining that he, too, had a tawdry dream about Kenneth, only his involved a portable Jacuzzi, and their two glistening skin tones "looked like a close-up of a killer whale being born." Jenna and Tracy resolve never to go to sleep again, then scurry off, only to be greeted with a dumb smile from Kenneth.
In the writers' room, Toofer has done some research on Jack's "circulus et prunum" exit line and discovered that it's the motto of his Princeton secret society Twig and Plums. The society has many strange rules. For example, if he says "Twig and plums" to any member, that member will have to drop whatever he's doing and make up an excuse to leave the room. Cut to footage of a Donald Rumsfeld news conference that ends abruptly when old Rummy hears the secret words. The Pranksmen realize they can wield this powerful new information against Jack. Moments later, Frank busts in on a meeting Jack is holding and utters the key phrase. Jack excuses himself on the ruse he has a veterinary appointment, shooting Frank a hostile look as he goes.
That night Lemon confronts Floyd for not mentioning his bride-to-be. He apologizes and said he wishes he could have done it differently. She says his happiness is important, but that he doesn't have to get married where he works, nor does have to "drag [her] best friend, TV, into it." He says he sympathizes, and then the bombs start to drop. He committed to the contest because it will give his fiancée, a yogaerobics instructor (boom!) and ab model (blam!) national exposure. Lemon jumps in that she, too, had national exposure once -- in a re-enactment on America's Most Wanted -- "playing a lady... who was strangled on the toilet." Floyd continues that winning the contest would allow him and his new wife to move back to New York (kablooey!). Lemon declares a ceasefire, saying they should order. Then Floyd asks if she's seeing anyone. She can't help herself and shrills that he should get the fish.
That night, Tracy has several dreams about Kenneth. They are things of beauty that will only be compromised through words. Just watch. After a series of false endings, Jenna comes screaming in that her Kenmares are escalating. They decide to solve the problem in the only way they know how: become dream warriors and kill Kenneth in their sleep, Nightmare on Elm Street-style.
Writers' room. Jack tries to confront Frank about disrupting his meeting with the Twig & Plums code words, but he barely gets a word out before Frank says it again. Jack mutters something about going to an intervention for his travel agent as he shuffles out.
Back at the restaurant, Floyd is ordering his third serving of salmon, sauce on the side, and feeling no pain. Though he is acting increasingly loud, obnoxious, and erratic. After he runs over to the jukebox to air guitar riff to some Bon Jovi, the waiter returns to confirm that he wants another Jack-glazed salmon. Yep, the salmon is glazed with Jack Daniels. The waiter assures Lemon the alcohol cooks down during cooking, but since former boozehound Floyd has been ordering his sauce on the side, he's getting pure hooch.
Lemon realizes she's on the slippery slope and approaches Floyd to get him back to his hotel to sleep it off. And this is where happy drunk Floyd turns into belligerent drunk Floyd. Unfortunately for Lemon, she engages him in this state. He starts bashing Lemon for getting him drunk, attempting to give him food poison, yelling at him, and, during their relationship, ruling out weekday sex. It's all really harsh. Lemon decides to leave without him. He announces he's buying salmon for everyone.
Back at 30 Rock, Tracy and Jenna wake up "in their dream" and let loose the attack on Kenneth, who can only scream to Tracy, "Why? I considered you a brother!" They raise up their arms to fly away, but Pete comes in and tells them they're wide awake, and it's morning. The good news is they slept through the night without any sexy Kenneth dreams. The bad news is they've just assaulted the dutiful Page. Ever-forgiving Kenneth is just happy Tracy and Jenna are cured. Group hug!
Writers' room. The Pranksmen find a mini-DVD in an envelope on the office door. They pop it in and see Jack in what appears to be Frank's mom's bedroom in Queens. Indeed it is, and dastardly Donaghy and dim Danny make some serious implications that Frank "will not enjoy the " DVD if he pushes them any harder. Jack notes that Toofer and Lutz also have mothers. He asks, "Do we understand each other?" Frank tells his men to stand down.
Upstairs, Jack calls Lemon to show her that Floyd is back on Today and drunk as a skunk. He won't leave, and it's starting to get on his Kathie Lee's nerves. And that's saying a lot. Floyd's intended, decked out in her fanciest cropped shirt, tries to break up the scene, which is a no-go. She makes the best of it, waving awkwardly at the camera. Floyd nearly barfs on the anchors, but it's a false alarm. Lemon gasps. She tries to explain to Jack what happened, but he doesn't care, just tells her to fix it.
Lemon runs downstairs to wrangle the drunk and his lady. She apologizes to the bride-to-be, offering her a consolation prize of a TGS mousepad and Dateline wallet. Soon-to-be-Mrs. deBarber is relieved she wasn't the one who caused Floyd's bender. Lemon assures her he spoke fondly of her during dinner. Floyd, now sobered up, says he blacked out. He wonders if he fell down because his back hurts. He lifts up his shirt to show he's gotten a mega-tramp stamp (not unlike these) tattooed on his back. Lemon can't help herself from snickering a little as she apologizes some more. But the laugh's on her. Floyd's fiancée mentions that she doesn't really have any girl friends and asks if Lemon will read a passage from Corinthians at the wedding. And, really, how can she refuse?
That'd be like denying you guys the jokes... or denying Pete his Kenmares. Because that happens. It seems the Trennaprah's only been shifted, not vanquished entirely. And, in Pete's head it involves Kenneth in silver hot pants with a strategically placed peacock. [And Liz, with a man's voice, saying "Let's do this." - Zach] Glorious!
The Singles Market Is About As Bleak As the Job Market, Huh?
Jenna: A breakfast date? Who is this guy?
Lemon: I met him on K-Date, which is the personals section of the Kraft Foods website.
Jenna: And? What was he like?
Lemon: Ummmm, he owns a cockatiel named Arliss.
Jenna: Oh God!
"Make a Hockey-Lovin' Face"
Pete: Hey, Danny, congratulations.
Frank: Congratulations? For what?
Pete: Danny was nominated for a Juno, which is like a Canadian Grammy.
Danny: Yeah, I recorded the psych-up song that plays during Ottawa Senators games. I'm not going to win, but it's an honor just to be nominated in the same category as Sir Dave Coulier.
Pete: Well, it should be great exposure for you.
Danny: I know! And there's going to be a profile of me in the New York Times as filler because of dwindling ad sales! Isn't that awesome?
Frank: I am sick of that guy's positive energy. We gotta start messing with him.
Lutz: Yeah, like, what if we trick him into kissing me? It'd be so funny, because I'm not gay.
Sexting and Hegans, You've Been Replaced
Pete: Kenneth, I'm having a Tracy and Jenna problem.
Kenneth: Gosh, Mr. Hornberger, you say that so often you should come up with a shortcut word for it, like "I've a Trennaprah."
Pete: Well, Danny's interview with the New York Times comes out today, so I have a "Trennaprah."
Kenneth: A what?
Danny Pulls a Biden
Danny: I don't know how this happened, Jack, but it's bad. I think I really screwed up.
Jack: A female page? Don't worry, they disappear all the time.
Danny: No. I did an interview for the New York Times, and they printed all this stuff that I didn't say!
Jack: Typical liberal media. That's why I get all my news from Dick Cheney's website, DickViews.com.
Danny: I never said that Liz "banged her way to the middle." Or that "Jenna kidnapped a Swedish au pair to use as a hair farm. And I never called Tracy "clean" and "articulate." Why would I? He's not!
Thinking Outside the Box, Prankly Speaking
Jack: I'm no stranger to the art of japery. At Princeton I was in a secret society. I shouldn't tell you this, but one time we snuck up to Dartmouth and put their mascot in a box and sent it to Mexico City. We didn't know until the day that "it" was an actual Indian. He didn't speak a word of English! Like all Dartmouth men!
Danny: All right, I'm game. What should we call ourselves?
Jack: What's the most handsome animal?
Jack/Danny: The silver panther! Grrrrrowl.
Kenneth Spins a Few Yarns
Kenneth: And Old Gus is the biggest catfish in the pond. Legend has it the only bait that'll catch Old Gus is a piece of Old Gus himself! So every time they catch him, they cut off a piece of him -- so they can catch him! Now how did the very first person catch Old Gus? Well that's a story for another time -- right now! [Later...] So if my grandfather hadn't gotten on the wrong train that day, he never would have met his wife...'s murderer. [Still later...] I wonder what Hawaii's state quarter is gonna be. Nobody knows, but here are several hundred guesses: A pineapple! A coconut! [Yet later...] So to get there, you start on Old Barn Road. Then you take the first left, then the left, then the , and then another left. That'll take you 'round the quarry, which is real pretty. I just wanted you to see it. That'll put you back on Old Barn Road. [Oh, but there's more!] Now I don't have a lot of experience reading stuff out loud to people, so I'm gonna do this the most normal way I can think of: "Space, space, space, space, space, space, 'My Autobiography' space, 'By Kenneth Ellen Parcell,' space, space, space, space, space..."
Friendly Competition?
Floyd: You want to split some mozarella sticks?
Lemon: I saw you on the Today show.
Floyd: Damn it! I could have sworn you watched The Early Show on CBS.
Lemon: The Early Show? What am I? In a hospital?
Dream Weave-er
Jenna: I just had another Kenneth dream!
Tracy: Me, too. But how do I know this isn't a dream? Wait a minute... [Checks his teeth.] All my teeth are loose, so we're good. It's real.
Jenna: Tracy, my dreams are getting worse. This one was so... graphic. Kenneth and I were married and living in Indianapolis. We had kids!
Tracy: What kind of sick mind dreams that?
Jenna: It was disgusting!
Breakfast of the Defeated
Pete: What the Hell are you doing?!
Tracy: Controlling our dreams?
Jenna: We can explain, Pete. We were just trying to Elm Street Kenneth.
Pete: Unbelievable. It is way too early for this, guys. I haven't even had my first cup of wine today.
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