Don Geiss waits in Jack's office admiring a picture of Jack on the cover of The Bulb magazine, a GE executive publication. The cover reads "Jack be N.I.M.B.L.E." but I have no thought as to what that is an acronym for. Incidentally, doesn't it feel like every 30 Rock begins in Jack's office? Jack apologizes for keeping him waiting. Geiss has diabetes. He's not feeling well these days but takes comfort in the thought of his daughter finally getting married to Will Arnett's young executive Devon Banks. Banks is to straight as what Tracy is to Republican. He's horrible at it. We get a moment with him hitting on a stubbly floral arranger. Jack assures Geiss that Banks is a fine son-in-law but Geiss cuts straight to the chase. He's not running a family; he's running a business. "I'm going with you. Congratulations. You're running this company." Jack turns into Ethel Merman and begins weeping into his hands. "Oh happy day!" Geiss will wait to announce the news publicly since it requires board approval but he asks Jack to get in line a successor to his job -- someone trustful who will have his back. "I guess that leaves out the Federal Reserve." Big, big money laugh. Theme music!
Lemon and Frank duke it out in the writer's room. Lemon is pissed because Frank decided to download some suspicious email on her laptop and now a virus has wiped out the entire script for this week's show. "First of all the subject of the email was 'Check this out'," argues back Frank. He then blames Lemon because she's the one that created the show to begin with. For some reason this logic takes hold and the staff turns on her in an instant. Lemon storms out but not before confessing that this was never her life's passion. "I had dreams. I was going to live with the Gorillas."
Kenneth, Grizz and Dot Com are trying to guess playing cards in Tracy's dressing room when Tracy walks in visibly upset. "Pay attention to me. I'm inconsolable," he begins with that great narrative glitch in his personality. Tracy dropped in unannounced to his son's school homeroom only to discover it was "Bring Your Dad to School Day." Now Tracy wants to do something that will impress his son, for instance become a Senator or a wizard. The room stops to ponder what his move should be. "Eureka!" yells Tracy. "We should call Eureka. She always has good ideas."
Blurrrgh! Lemon just popped a Sabor de Doledad Cheeto into her mouth. She's in the supply closet reading the book "More Human Than We" an obvious exploration of apes. I can't say enough about how proud I am of Lemon in this moment. So few people have an awareness of ape history. How we descended from them 80 years ago when an obelisk came out of the Earth and started playing Beethoven's Ninth. thing you know we're flying our supercomputers into space. Jack walks in to share with her the exciting news. He's not worried about getting board approval because Geiss comprised it of total cronies and incompetents, including two of his hunting dogs. "Why do I smell self-tanning cream and teeth whitener?" he asks near the elevator and just then Banks saddles up from behind. That does not sound how I meant it by the way. Banks and Jack exchange a handshake and raspy half-threats then Banks invites him to his upcoming bachelor party to be held, curiously enough, on the set of TGS. He walks away as Lemon protests but Jack wants to let it play out. "That man can not be trusted."
In Tracy's room he and Kenneth are brainstorming ideas that might impress his son. He takes a break to clear his head but can't decide whether to relax to a video game or pornography. "That's it! Make a porn video game."
Banks corners Lemon in the elevator and starts to grill her about whether or not Jack accidently sold the company to a German television station. If you recall, that whole fiasco was Lemon's doing because she subbed for Jack while he and Celeste went away for the weekend. She blurts all of that out to Banks who thanks her for giving him ammunition to bring to his future father-in-law. Lemon has to think quick or Jack loses his job so she grabs Banks, starts making out with him in front of the elevator's security camera, and threatens to blackmail him if he says a word of what happened with the Germans to Geiss.
Frank is attempting to explain to Tracy why his porn video game idea won't work. It's because of something called "the uncanny valley." As artificial representations of humans become more and more realistic they reach a point where they stop being endearing and become creepy. Frank whips out a chart to prove his theory exists and when Tracy asks him to break it down in Star Wars he does just that: On one side of the scale are R2D2 and C3P0. "Nice," remarks Tracy. On the other side is a real human like Han Solo. "He acts like he doesn't care but he does," again says Tracy stating the obvious to usual comedic perfection. But the lowest point on the scale is "a CGI storm trooper or Tom Hanks in Polar Express." Paying careful attention I notice that only slightly above that low point is "wax figure of Nicole Kidman." Tracy is convinced though that he won't fall subject to the valley. He was born to invent a game where "characters get weird with each other for golden points. I'm like Mozart. You're like that guy that was always jealous of Mozart."
Lemon shows Jack the elevator tape of her faux make-out session with Banks. "Don't worry Jack. I've always got your back." Jack has heard enough. He offers her his position as head of East Coast television and microwave oven programming. Lemon protests taking such a corporate gig while Jack writes a number down on a piece of paper and hands it to her. "This is the starting salary." Lemon's mouth drops and she slaps the bejesus out of him ... hmm, slap? I think I like that. Lemon runs into the writer's room. "Suck it monkeys I'm going corporate!"
Jack has Lemon in tow for a liquid lunch with some upper management types and Lemon has gone full throttle where booze is concerned. She's tipsy and lippy to all the guys who seem to love her zingers. Jack brings up GE's 4-year $10 million dollar investment in creating a new microwave start button to which Lemon absently chimes in "I kinda like the old one." "Button classic, I love it," says Jack and the rest of the table follows suit. Lemon just saved the company $2 million.
Tracy sits hunched over the table in his dressing room scribbling disjointed notes on random pieces of paper. The classical music plays ominously in the background and Kenneth warns that the work is consuming him. Tracy is committed to inventing something his son will be proud of. Hornberger interrupts demanding to know why Tracy isn't in wardrobe. "I am inventing a porn video game." "Let this man work. No one is to disturb him." Frank is convinced it is an impossibility, otherwise he would have invented it a long time ago and as he tries to peer into the dressing room Kenneth closes the door on him.
Lemon struts into the suddenly morose writer's room wearing a power suit and a lot of attitude. Hornberger pulls her aside to say she can't take a job with corporate but Lemon whips out a piece of note paper that has his starting salary if he were to take the job she'd offer him once Jack has succeeded Don Geiss. Pete slaps her silly, immediately accepting. Later at the strip club Lemon meets Don Geiss. "Aren't you the gal who pioneered the button classic campaign?" Don complains about his blood sugar dropping.
Tracy is fast asleep covered in the notes and ideas for his pornography video game. Frank walks in as Kenneth leaves and he quietly picks up a piece of paper from the desk. "My God ... he's a genius," Frank cries. What brilliant and inspired burst of creativity could Frank have been reading on that piece of paper? We'll never know right? Think again. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. That's all I'm at liberty to say.
At the strip club which is really just the TGS studio (these people never leave the office) Jack is starting to feel sorry for Banks who sits across the room moping and completely non-erect. Jack talks to Banks, warning him not to marry Geiss's daughter Kathy. Jack thinks he's miserable because of all the women and straight guys but its really because Banks was told by Geiss that he would not be named successor in favor of Jack. Meanwhile, Lemon brings back Geiss a dessert for his poor blood sugar level only to find him seemingly dead, sprawled out on the couch. She can't wake him no matter the try. "Ahh blurrrgh!" she cries. Tina Fey has invented a wonderful new word and I mean that. Back with Jack, Banks who is wearing a cream sports jacket but with a American Gladiator Nitro's shirt underneath, is ready for him to gloat but Jack extends an olive branch. "I just want you to know. I hate/respect you." Banks reciprocates. Lemon pulls Jack away and tells him about Geiss.
CUT TO: an operatic introduction to the return of Dr. Spaceman! Chris Parnell wearing a cape that flows dramatically in the air is running through the 30 Rock hallways with great haste. Tracy lays on the couch reciting notes to Frank who feverishly tries to keep up with him. Lemon and Jack sneak the stiff body of Don Geiss out of the strip club portion of the studio. A stripper gives Banks a come hither look from behind a Venetian mask. Banks is scared. Kenneth is holding a candle. Spaceman arrives ... to a vending machine where he purchases pretzels. And Frank tears apart his office forsaking porn for having forsaken him.
Dr. Leo diagnoses Geiss as having slipped into a diabetic coma from lack of eating. He injects a needle. A placebo. Nope, he's not faking it. The other upper management types fill the room wanting to know what's wrong with Geiss. Jack explains the situation and that he was already named successor by Don but when the room fails to believe him he has to turn to Banks to help prove it's true. "Jack ... Jack I don't know what you're talking about."
The day Lemon shares with Jack that she may not be corporate material. Jack is not offended. He's got an important meeting with the board of directors to who he will state his case for being appointed Don's successor. But in his office awaits Banks. Banks called an emergency board meeting the night before unawares to Jack and convinced them that the only proper successor to Geiss while he's in his coma is ... wait for it. Kathy. Banks' future wife will assume to position under, of course, the guidance of Banks steady hand. The whole scene ramps up in drama as she turns around in a chair to reveal herself to the board members, including the hunting dogs. Kudos to the director Gail Mancuso for this sequence. I thought I was watching a Coen brother's movie for a second. Banks commands Jack, "get out of our office." Horrifying and more compelling than absolutely everything in Studio 60.
Jokes!
So then I look like Gene Simmons? Right now.
"You look like Gene Simmons had sex with a basset hound."
Still the smartest one in the room
Tracy: "Tracy junior left his music stick at home."
Dot Com: (to Kenneth) "His flute."
Papal wisdom
Kenneth: "Everyone knows the only thing we should be ashamed of is our bodies."
W.A.S.P. affection
Jack: "Hugging ... so ethnic."
I can't really tell you why I think this is funny. It just is.
Jack: "Once they cast Clay Aiken in Spamalot I knew it was only a matter of time before you showed up here."
Banks: "Oh when I'm living here, and running this company, I'll go see him every week. Until Spamalot closes ... or he leaves the show."
Buffalo area adult entertainment spokesman Scott Woods
"The hottest girls from New York's top boob shacks are moving their brassieres."
Banks reaches way inside the metaphor grab bag
"That was so easy. Like taking candy from one of those guys who gives out candy in gay night clubs."
Frankology
"History's greatest perverts have tried: Walt Disney, Larry Flynt, the Japanese."
Minus most athletes of course?
Lemon: "I'm feeling pretty drunk."
Jack: "Well it's business drunk. It's like rich drunk, either way it's legal to drive."
Silent Comedy Award Goes to Chris Parnell running in slow motion in his cape through the hallway to save a multi-millionaire's life but not before stopping to buy pretzels from the vending machine that tipped over on Hornberger.
Polymorphously perverse
Tracy: "My genius has come alive, like toys when your back is turned. I see potential for erotica in everything around me. This cup. This table. Even you Kenneth."
Kenneth: "Well, I am wearing a cuffed trouser today."
Dr. Leonard Spaceman, MD
"We have no way of knowing where the heart is. You see every human is different."
No-Prize Winner
So tough. So, so tough. You can almost give it to Tracy every week but he wasn't playing alone in this one. He was playing off someone here and that someone was Frank. From his charted theory about the "uncanny valley" to his renunciation of pornography, Judah Friedlander has made me almost entirely forget about him being in that Dave Matthew's Band video. Sort of like how Danny DeVito is still a little person. Good night!