Hrm, no prologue this week? Alright.
Jack sits in front of Don Geiss's hospital bed reading from the big book of communism. Geiss is still in his sugar driven coma and Jack is desperate to waken him -- even enough to yell out "Hillary Clinton is President!" I awake from my coma and also my Jeremiah Wright nightmares but Geiss doesn't budge. Ever since the puppet regime of Banks and Don Geiss's daughter have taken over the business Jack has been forced to cut his own cantaloupe in his new office on floor 12. Floor 12 for Christ's sake! ["FYI -- The TWoP staffers are on 14... it isn't quite that bad. Close though." - Angel] Meanwhile at TGS HQ Lemon announces to the whole staff that she got a surprise call from ex-boyrfriend Floyd. His flight back to Cleveland on JetFun got canceled and he needs a place to crash. Pete's response, "Jet Fun, is that the one with the foot baths?" is answered by Jenna: "Oh no that's AirBike. They also have in-flight pornos and NBC news." Lemon interrupts, as well she should, and asks for advice as to whether or not she should play Bob Newhart circa 1980s to Floyd's Newhart special guest of the week? That's a clear reference right? Because Bob owned an inn in his '80s television show and special guests would always book a room there overnight, like Ruth Gordon. Anyone? Well Lemon wants to be top dog which, according to Jenna, requires that she pretends to be doing great. "For once I am not going to be Jan Brady. I'm going to be Marsha dammit," and she is immediately struck in the nose by an errant football. Before she can scream Marsha three times she smells a sandwich and runs off.
Frank explains to an inexperienced nerd the history of sandwich day. One day out of the year, every year, the teamsters buy Italian sandwiches with dipping sauce from a secret location in the outer boroughs, where they live, and share them with the cast of the show. We see the teamsters handing out sandwiches enthusiastically to the anxious cast including the main sandwich guy Brian Dennehy. Brian Dennehy is one of the top 5 living American actors in case you didn't know. There is no sarcasm there.
Jack cleans out his office in front of pony loving Kathy Geiss. Jonathan is heartbroken. He's made Jack a collage titled "Jack 4 Eva" but Donaghy dismisses it and begins to walk away. Jack feels cornered now that Banks is affectively running things but he has no place else to go. Jonathan asks, "what about your friends in the Bush administration?" "Has it gotten that bad?" Jack wants to know. "I'd rather work for an American car company than jump on that sinking ship." "I will remember you ... He sings Sarah McLachlan's greatest song (pipe down "Building A Mystery" fans) and Jack's eyes say bewilderment. He rushes to the elevator, hitting 12 with embarrassed ferocity but Lemon jumps in at the last moment. I do admire how much of the actual 30 Rock the show uses. These are the actual elevators folks. And the people on 12? Trolls. Lemon asks him why he's going to 12 but Jack lies and gets off on the floor.
In the writer's room Tracy and the rest of the gang have devoured their sandwiches but they're still hungry. Grrr, still hungry! They take a fix on Lutz who is eating gentlemanly slow. You see Lutz is the Gay Vito of the show now, having lost loads of weight. He can't eat his food fast because of his surgery but when they move to attack he swallows it. The gang focuses their attention to Lemon's empty office. Empty but for a sandwich. Frank warns of the consequences of taking Liz's food -- FLASH to Lemon yelling "where's my mac and cheese" then flipping over the conference table. They attack anyway and surprise, surprise Kenneth is there to witness it all with shocked expression.
Floyd saunters onto the TGS set behind a curiously well-dressed Lemon. She's got her red dress on and when she and Floyd begin talking Pete cues a spotlight and wind machine from the upper balcony. Floyd is impressed, so much so he asks her out to dinner "at that barbeque place you puked at." "You'll have to be more specific," retorts Lemon who laughs and turns into Jenna.
Commercial break. Commercial take: This What Happens in Vegas movie? If it's anything like the "what happens in Vegas" commercials I'll be laughing until I throw up -- from the laugh pills that the MTV Films executive slipped into my extra large cola.
Lemon walks into a silent writer's room and after a half a second throws objects against the wall. "Where's my sandwich!" Everyone starts blaming everyone else but Kenneth pipes in, again, and takes full responsibility, again, this time for the missing sandwich. "I don't know how, but you're going to get me another sandwich or I'm going to cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin. You'll all have chins!"
Jack steps onto the 12th floor met by a lady with an eyepatch. He runs back to the elevator and back to Don Geiss's hospital room. He screams "Wake up" louder than Win Butler. Jack spills it to coma Geiss how tough the sudden loss of stature has been on him. "I've given everything to this company but now I feel as if maybe I should quit?" "You have to leave," says a strange and strained voice from out of nowhere. Jack turns around and at the door is an orderly from the Kill Bill hospital. Jack asks what happened to his voice and apparently he was hit by lightning as a child. "They made a movie about me." Powder maybe? Not important. But it's these pointless rejoinders to scenes that makes 30 Rock the best network television comedy. Sorry Office. "You have to leave GE," says the orderly, again quite ominously. He's actually talking about Geriatric Extended Care but Jack looks to be plowing into a deeper meaning. "I have to leave GE," he says.
Lemon and Floyd are out on a balmy night after dinner. Floyd seems smitten but he's got a flight to catch back to Cleveland. He takes off in a cab but not before turning to look at Liz. "Eat it up Cleveland," she says derisively. The morning Lemon wakes up covered in sudden change of temperature flop sweat and brags to Jenna over the phone about how good she looked last night in front of Floyd. But when she opens her door for the morning paper he's standing in front of her. At the sight of her he yells "Croank?" I couldn't quite make that one out. A lot less detectable than blaargh. Floyd's flight was canceled -- and by flight I mean his airline got canceled -- and now he needs to crash at Lemon's place. Lemon invites Floyd in while pulling a band-aid out of her hair. After an awkward pause she demurely asks "who was that bitch that answered your phone eight months ago?"
Tracy pulls out a bit of the old soft shoe trying to impress the teamsters and convince them to get a replacement sandwich for Lemon. Brian Dennehy sits in his office chair holding a baseball bat. He calls all the shots. "That's enough," he says and Tracy stops the soft shoe. "You two kiss" and Frank almost does with Lutz. Lutz fails miserably at getting the name of the sandwich place and Dennehy explains that the only way to get their replacement sandwich is to earn it, and the only way to earn it is a drinking contest. Cue the Fat Albert theme song, which makes no sense to write on the surface of it but if you really stop to imagine it, kind of does.
Floyd seems relieved that Lemon has finally brought up the sordid circumstances of their demise. Lemon is taken aback and promptly backs off but before Floyd can get into it his phone rings. It's the airline with a replacement ticket back to Cleveland. Floyd insists that this is more important but Lemon equally implores him to go catch his flight. He promises to call her and explain when he gets back home.
Frank tries to get Jenna to represent them in the drinking faceoff with the teamsters later that night. He can't drink because of certain medication required because of an undisclosed bacterial infection; Lutz can't drink post-surgery; Kenneth is religious; and Tracy still has the drink detector wrapped around his ankle. Stubborn at first, Jenna acquiesces. "I'll do it, but only for the attention." Jack pops in looking for Lemon and has to explain why he'll be on floor 12 for the rest of the day. "As a joke." Tracy cracks up. He also breaks the sad news to them that the drinking game for sandwich disclosure is part of the teamsters contract agreement.
Lemon power walks through the park only to find Floyd sitting on a bench licking on an ice cream cone. He completely lied before. There was no phone call, there was no flight, he was simply buying time to avoid having to explain himself to her. Floyd gets real. He has no idea what girl answered the phone on Lemon. "I'm single. I'm a lawyer. I wear nice coats. I'm the Michael Clayton of Cleveland." "Well I hope your car blows up," answers Lemon with the full force of her Netflix queue. "I hope you get that IKEA ... never."
Jenna squares off with Brian Dennehy in a drinking contest. Personally, I'm not sure Keith Moon could square off against Dennehy in a drinking contest but Jenna seems to be holding her own. She's fading though after 10 shots, 5 earlier and 5 during the contest, and she pleads for the others to start helping. "You can't win," says Dennehy. Just then Frank finds the lucky penny that was the root of his bacterial problems. The batteries die out on Tracy's alcohol monitor, must be the Bobby Brown edition. Kenneth smells the shot glasses and realizes it's nothing more than the milk he's been drinking as a baby. "It's on y'all." Dennehy already senses defeat.
Lemon is surprised to see a replacement teamster sandwich on her desk when she gets to work. Jack enters the break room and addresses her late arrival: "So should I ask why you're showing up for work at 6:30?" "I'm not going lie to you Jack," and then she does. "I was working from home." But she can't maintain it and clues Jack in on the entire Floyd debacle. Jack advises Lemon on life using his current crisis as a backdrop. "You're young and you still haven't blown it completely so don't start now." Lemon moans but she, and her sandwich, and her sandwich dip head to the airport.
At the 'port, as I like to call it, Lemon stops a man from behind who she thinks is Floyd. Instead the guy looks like Will Oldham. she buys the cheapest ticket going anywhere, which is apparently to Montreal and hurries to the metal detector area. But the sandwich bag and dipping sauce are more than 3 ounces. Lemon has to make a choice. She has to make a choice RIGHT. NOW. Lemon chooses both. She stuffs the sandwich down her mouth worse than Lutz. "I can do it," she can be heard in muffled words. "I can have it all." After the sandwich, forever know heretofore as "the great sandwich moment," Lemon darts through security and stops another man from behind who she thinks is Floyd. Instead the guy looks like a more handsome Tony Todd. Then Floyd spots her. "What are you doing here?" Lemon explains herself. She didn't mean any of the nasty threats that were hurled at Floyd's direction. Floyd asks to be friends. "I wolfed my teamster sub for you." "Wait. No. Is that a saying?" Floyd offers to give back her apartment key but she tells him to keep it. "You never know." Floyd exits to board the plane and Lemon turns around when she hears the television news mention the name Jack Donaghy. "MSNBC has confirmed that former GE executive Jack Donaghy will be named by President Bush the new Homeland Security Director of Crisis and Weather Management." Lemon's jaw drops, but it could be the crawl underneath: "Mysterious traveler from the future ..."
Aw snap! You got jokes?
Plausible deniability
Jonathan: (holding a creepy Jack collage) "I made you this"
Jack: "No, no you didn't."
Taste's like Wendy's
Lutz: (slowly biting into his teamster sandwich) "Since my surgery I have to eat slowly or my insides might explode."
Tracy: "Gimme it!"
Lutz: (suddenly wolfing it down) "Ow! It's like knives!"
Tracy: the Edmund Burke of things Edmund Burke already said.
Kenneth: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
Tracy: Please ask my permission before you quote me Kenneth.
Slow to franchise
Lemon: "What does New York have that Cleveland doesn't have? I read that you're getting an IKEA."
Floyd: (exasperated) "Yeah I'll believe it when I see it. We've just been burned before."
Lucky for Jack it wasn't hail
"I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue but evidently that's some sort of signal in Chelsea."
The Day Before Tomorrow
After last night's freak snowfall it's 98 and humid. In other global warming news a tornado hit downtown Detroit putting out several fires.
The real drinking game
Jenna: "Can't drink? What am I 12 and at my boyfriend's frat party?"
Kenneth: "Drinking's against my beliefs, like gambling or freeway driving."
Tracy: "And I can't drink. I still got my Hollywood sock on"
Michael Bay's remaking Ghostbusters now?
Lemon: "You used Ghostbusters for evil."
Kenneth lactates
Alcohol? This taste just like hill people milk.
We call this one "macro"
Airport security: "Sort of a cliché."
Lemon: "You're sort of a cliché."
Silent Comedy Award Pretty easy this week. Lemon eats a sandwich at the airport and I rewind it on TiVo twice.
And the no-prize winner is ...
Bacardi Lemon. Tina Fey takes it again owning this episode fully. Honorable mention goes out to Lutz who was big in a small way but when she turned into Buster Keaton while eating that sandwich there was really no other choice to make.