Guess who's biz-ack? You guessed it, Caesar Milan with an all new Dog Whisperer. Just waiting for my TiVo to load and then we're off and running. In this episode Caesar will have to assert his calm energy on an insecure yellow lab and then teach a recently divorced woman how to express dominance over her dog Binky thereby becoming pack lead ... wait. What the hell is this? What the hell is MILF Island?
Is that a dog rescue acronym or ... okay wait that looks like Tina Fey. Celebrity Dog Whisperer maybe? And that is definitely Kenneth from her show 30 Rock. He's bringing her a newspaper and asking her about a quote from a Page Six gossip column:
"Which TGS with Tracy Jordan staffer called corporate honcho Jack Donaghy 'a class-A moron?' Donaghy is up for the GE chairmanship but one employee has misgivings adding 'that guy could eat my poo.'"
Okay "poo." Got it. Tina Fey has a housebreaking problem. Still this doesn't look like the Discovery Channel. Wait, she's still talking. Tina Fey wants to know who is behind the quote in the paper and the room full of staffers shrug in unison. Now Jonathan walks in and asks her to go see Jack Donaghy in his office. Alec Baldwin? She demands a fess-up from the staff before she goes, insisting this time she will not be taking the bullet for anyone. Frank denotes: "This is bad. Real bad," and then the TV in the room that is set that night's finale of MILF Island focuses in as the MILF Island host squarely says "Prepare for the craziest night of television of your life."
Wait a minute ... the strikes over? The strikes over! The strikes ova!!!
On with the show and on her way to Jack's office Lemon bumps into Pete who is buying snacks at the vending machine in preparation for tonight's Island finale. Suddenly he's Costanza excited about a "dangler" candy bar in the vending machine. Lemon groans then moves on but Pete is fast on his knees (dirty thought) reaching his hand up to try and grab at the dangler (really dirty thought). "I'm stuck!"
Two MILFs dance with poles on the TV in Jack's office. "Lemon remember this? Deborah and Shana squaring off at Erection Cove," asks Jack. Deborah is not pronounced Deb-o-rah incidentally. It's said almost as one word -- one pseudo-French word: Debor-ah. Debor-ah smacks her ass to the screen to the delight of the 8th grade boys whose affection all the MILFs are competing for. Jack is quite taken by her. Thinks she has star quality. Loves her impression of an Indian cab driver. He wants Lemon to work with her on a spin-off but Lemon hastily declines citing, among other things, the shower confessional part of the program. Jack though compares MILF Island to art -- nay Shakespeare. "MILF Island reflects the drama of the human experience and isn't that the essence of art? Sniff, sniff. I think I smell a post-strike diatribe coming up. Lemon's rejoinder is passionate. "Performance is an art. Writing is an art. What we do is art." CUT TO: Tracy wearing a lab coat in the middle of a TGS sketch. He's to an overheating robot from the '50s. "Someone put too many farts in this engine! It's about to explode! It's farting! It's farting!!" Turns out that smell I detected was a fart. Man, she's good. Jack brings up another matter to her -- that unfortunate quote in today's New York Post. He wants to turn up the heat on her people and sweat out the quote's culprit. By the time she leaves Jack's office the whole staff is already on pins and needles in his waiting room. Frank is annoyed since there is fresh pizza and an entire MILF Island finale waiting downstairs for them. Lemon pleads for someone to take responsibility but instead is greeted, much like DMX, with middle fingers in the air. As she leaves Kenneth begs for a moment of her time in private.
Frank does the same to Lutz. He tells Lutz that the two need to form an alliance since they're the two biggest dirt bags in the office. Eventually they'll get blamed for it.
Downstairs all alone is Pete still stuck in a vending machine. He convinces himself that it's the shirt at fault and so slides it off, not unlike in foreplay with Paula one would assume. Still stuck though. "What?"
Kenneth is confused about the quote in the newspaper and shares this with Lemon. He knows Toofer would never use the word "poo," that Frank didn't say it because they were together all day and, oh yeah, he saw her say it while he was hidden in the elevator behind a cardboard cutout of ... an American Gladiator? Lemon had been frustrated by Jack's decision to send Tracy to Dubai and spills her frustration out on a handsome elevator buddy who turns out to be a reporter for the New York Post specializing in business gossip. Lemon pleads for Kenneth to keep this under his hat as 8th grade boys ride on the backs of MILFs who race each other along the beach on the TV set behind them. "But you're not supposed to lie," says Kenneth. "You apple-faced goon," says a frustrated Lemon. She begrudgingly agrees to tell Jack what happened but when she confronts him he share with her an involved story about his stuttering problem in school and having the Massachusetts Board of Education label him -- out comes the paperwork as proof -- "a class A moron." Jack was sent to a special needs class after that, forced to sweep sawdust in a boiler room. Sure he went on to graduate Harvard and now occupies a major position at GE but the sting of those words in the newspaper have bubbled up long forgotten about pain. Lemon tells him that she's narrowed the quote culprit down to Toofer or Frank.
Pete is still, still stuck and eyes the phone on the other side of the room from him. He throws his right shoe and knocks the receiver off the hook. He just needs four numbers that will call anybody in the building for help. He throws his wallet at the buttons. Score! That's one number. He throws his watch. Score! Two. He throws his other shoe. Scores again! One more number Pete baby and you and I are moving on to the scene. He throws his wedding ring. Score! The phone rings ... "Hello you've reached Peter Hornberger at TGS. Please leave a message." Pete bellows a mighty wail of disgust.
The staff is acting hot and bothered in the lobby outside Jack's office. They start yelling at each other from the heat of the room. So much so that Kenneth covers his ears. Did I mention that Human Giant's Rob Huebel is playing MILF Island's Jeff Probst role? As host he asks MILF Deborah (not Debor-ah) about the hardest part of being on MILF Island. Her answer carries as a voice-over through the rest of the scene. Her answer is the physical challenges. Being tired, hungry, and wanting to go home then reaching inside to find strength you didn't even know you had. As she says this we see Pete dragging the vending machine a few inches across the floor then, in the most terrifying moment in the history of 30 Rock not involving Buck Henry and sexual innuendo the vending machine begins to tip over onto him. Host Huebel goes on to explain that either Deb-o-rah or Debor-ah will be going home and it will be revealed ... after three more breaks! Gotta love Huebel.
Jack thinks Debor-ah is in line for her own talk show after this performance then asks Jonathan to turn up the heat and send Kenneth to join himself and Lemon. Jack asks him to track down the person who this quote is attributable to. Jack asks Kenneth to guess as to the culprit and all the while Lemon glares at him, glasses off. Before he can share though Jonathan interrupts with an important phone call from Dick Cheney. Jack seems more annoyed than flattered but takes the call out to his balcony. Now with some alone time Lemon warns Kenneth not to muck this up for her. Her and Debor-ah say in unison: "I didn't come here to make friends. I came here to be No.1." Tracy busts in. "Liz Lemon, I can't believe they put what you said in the paper." What he's talking about is not the unfortunate quote about Jack. It's a Cathy cartoon. In the last panel Cathy yells out "Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Aack!" which, Tracy goes on to explain, copies exactly what Lemon said the other day. Then we get a flashback of the other day and Lemon behind a counter screaming ... you have the idea. It was funny. Nothing I can say will punch it up any more than that.
Jack is recounting to Lemon some of the horrors of his stutter and Lemon in kind talks about her own childhood having to walk pigeon toed in corrective footgear. People who are familiar with Damon Wayans stand up career will be familiar with this. Lemon insists that it made her a better person and the same goes for Jack with his stutter. He interrupts her. It's final round elimination time.
Outside the staff keeps bickering amongst themselves about the quote until Tracy demands order. He passes the speaking banana around the room so that everyone will be allowed to speak before making a judgment. He hands it to Josh but midway through his first sentence Tracy, sans-banana, yells out "that dude did it!" The crowd erupts again in disorder and disagreement. Lemon tells them to keep it down and Josh hurtles the accusation her way. "Maybe Liz did it." Lemon freaks. After all she's done and this is how she is repaid? She's on the very verge of tears and demands an apology from Josh who suddenly looks like Jimmy Fallon at a funeral. He quickly backtracks to apologize. All the while Kenneth is in the background looking like Jimmy Fallon at a funeral. Wait, I used that already. OK, try it again: He apologizes and all the while in the background Kenneth looks like ... Jimmy Fallon at a funeral? Christmas bells! Why do I keep doing that! Kenneth marches into Jack's office and tells him he's the one behind the awful quote in the paper. He was fed up having to fold MILF Island T-shirts until 2 AM the night before and got cornered by a reporter after work. Jack scolds Kenneth then asks Lemon if she has anything more to ad. "You disgust me," she says and smirks knowingly at the TV as Debor-ah is applauded for having manipulated and lied her way to a win on MILF Island.
The snack machine presses further down on Pete. "Who won?"
Lemon merrily swipes a piece of pizza on her way back to her office but waiting inside is Jack. He's still bothered by the quote. He doesn't believe Kenneth said the quote. His story doesn't add up for a variety of reasons. Jack is still annoyed by it despite receiving a congratulatory phone call from Don Geist for his success with MILF Island. He starts to stutter again and Lemon breaks down. "I did it," she cries out. Jack informs her that he knew all along. He just wanted Lemon to admit it. "You do know how you're going to make this up to me don't you?" "Oh God," Lemon exhales. "I'm going to write the Debor-ah show." The bad news is that Debor-ah wants to sing in every episode. ">But at least it's not dance every episode. Lemon signs her soul away in a contract for the future Debor-ah show (looking forward to it) and trudges away pigeon-toed. Huebel tells us to stay tuned. "We've got Dog Swap. Interesting, dogs you say? It seems that it all comes full-circle.
Ze Jokes: Classic comedic set-up
"Somebody upstairs has changed their mind about ole Pete Hornberger."
Still haven't seen Notorious Bettie Page
"Debor-ah's amazing. Have you heard her story before she was cast on MILF Island? She was just a struggling actress living in L.A."
Will you continue to rock my MILF island?
"Salutha? You've kept it tight. Heidi? We no longer want to hit that. Get off MILF Island!"
Small victories are how we're going to win this war.
(upon getting his shirt off) "Yes! Hornberger!"
The Cell, starring Jack Donaghy
"I feel like I'm back in that boiler room making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with him self in the corner. I'm sorry did you want something?"
I drive a Ford Stratus!
Frank: "What the frak? I thought we had a dirt bag alliance?"
Lutz: "I'm not a dirt bag! This shirt is from American Eagle."
Silent comedy award goes to ...
MILF Debor-ah's facial expressions.
Lemon's insults are the Dunkin Doughnuts menu
"Apple-faced goon"
"Fried baloney-hole"
"Little Abner"
Live animation
Lemon: "Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Aack!"
The newest product from the Sheinhardt Wig Company?
"Brought to you by SoyJoy. Fortified with optimism."
How could it be worse? Imagine it's a non sequitur.
Lemon: "When I was born I had a malformed extra baby foot extending from my actual foot. They think maybe I ate my twin?"
Jack's eye for talent
"Debor-ah has the bearing of a queen."
I'm trying something new out here for the end. Each episode gets a "Star of the Show" no prize. Tonight's winner, narrowly edging out the actress who played Debor-ah, is Mrs. Tina Fey in the role of Liz Lemon. Normally a bit of a straight gal in this episode Tina steals the show. But I guess she does that every week, writing it and all. And of course her TWOP shout-out didn't hurt matters. Frankly she could have been flat-out missing in this episode and still have won it. You did it again Mrs. Fey.