Since the last new episode of 30 Rock five weeks ago, I have watched three Presidential debates, a marathon of Little People Big World, all of the MSNBC caucus and primary coverage, and the premieres of American Gladiator and Celebrity Apprentice, so a new 30 Rock had me arms-wide-open running to hug my television set tonight like I was the mother of a World War II vet returning home from the Black Forest -- more on Germans later. Suffice to say, it didn't disappoint.
Lemon and Edie Falco's C.C. (back again!) are waiting outside Jack's office, both scheduled for meetings. In a supercilious tone, Jonathan informs them that Jack is inside, speaking with Germans about a possible buyout of the largest cable network in Northern Europe. Lemon cracks back sophomoric, and then the meeting lets out, with Jack speaking, in German and with laughter, about how stingy Bavarians are (it's true; I roomed with Werner Herzog in college and he wouldn't even share his sugar). on the docket is Lemon, but she insists that Jack first see his girlfriend. Congressman C.C. never-minds her, though, insisting how important boundaries are to their relationship.
Cut to Jack on G-Span, testifying before congress. C.C. asks him what their plans are this evening, and after advice from his legal counsel, Jack responds, "There is an eight o'clock showing of Fred Claus." Lemon wants help with her finances, but Jack is too in love to care about her checking account or her almost-paid-for bicycle -- he's booked Gladys Knight on the show because it's C.C.'s favorite singer. Once again, Patti LaBelle gets fucked on the pop culture callbacks. What, was "Out All Night" not good enough for you people? She launched Morris Chesnutt's career, for Christ's sake. Jack is in love, enamored with the fact that he wants someone to actually be a part of his life. He advises Lemon to buy real estate as a sane investment and then shoos her out of his office so that he can finally see his gurrlfrieeend. Wooo!
Commercial. Tracy Morgan has a new movie. Apparently it's Booty Call 2: The Booty Strikes Black. I've got a $20 that says the father from Everybody Hates Chris is in it.
Speaking of Tracy, he walks in and announces that he's bought a brand new cappuccino machine as an apology for what happened the other day. What happened the other day? Cut to Tracy exiting the elevator, yucking it up with Napoleon as a robot walks by. Jena is wearing an eye patch and tells him (really the camera) that his father is here. Tracy begins strangling Napoleon (fascist) and Jena gets strangled by the robot (future fascism). Snap back to present day and Tracy acknowledges, "Okay, that may have been a dream." Clearly Tracy has yet to get over either his daddy issues or Jena's jealousy of his fame. The cappuccino machine winds up on Kenneth's page desk, and people line up for their fresh coffee while he fails to get work done.
Lemon is in her office talking dirty to a real estate website called Hot&Prime.com. She wants to "walk all around inside of" a brand new apartment, but closes her laptop when Jena struts in. Jena is shocked that Lemon owns no bit of property. She owns a place in New York, a condo in Clearwater, and some land in the 9th Ward post-Katrina that she's leasing back to the government as a prison. "Ka-ching!" Jena offers to hook Lemon up with her cash-poor manager who is selling his snazzy New York apartment.
Meanwhile the tire factory show is on in Jack's office. It's shot in black and white and stars tires and an assembly line. "Turn it off," barks Jack to Jonathan. "I can't watch anymore of these German sitcoms." He gets a call from C.C., who is in DC. She can't make it up to New York tonight because of work. Jack can't make it down to DC either because of the German TV buyout. "If this is going to work we're going to have to meet each other halfway," says C.C. On television, in the background, is the German game show Interrogation Bear, which looks like an SNL sketch that never made it out of rehearsal. Jack barges into Lemon's office while she holds up the book "How To Buy Your First Apartment in New York City." Can she speak German? Jack wants to know. Yes. Lemon spent a year abroad in Frankfurt. "I partied so hard there, it was crazy." Cut to Lemon dressed like old Jack Lemon, with old Katharine Hepburn's hairstyle. She snaps pictures in a sparrow museum and says in German, "So many different types of sparrows." I slip and fall on a laugh stick. Jack delegates the responsibility of watching the German DTW shows to Lemon so that he can leave to meet C.C.
Someone spills coffee on a personally autographed (by Kenneth) glossy of Jena! Kenneth can't take it anymore. He has it out with Tracy about the coffee machine. Tracy happens to be holding a whipped-cream-topped bit of the good stuff. When he finds out that Kenneth's never drunk coffee, he convinces him to take a sip and when Kenneth does, his face turns aware, like Drew Carey's after that first Vegas lap dance.
Lemon is back from looking at Jena's manager's apartment. "It was incredible." A German accented narrator explains why: "Riva views. New kitchens. Party perfect. The Vindmere. An oasis from the vile obscenity of the human condition." Her offer was accepted, but Lemon still has to meet with the co-op board for approval and she's as nervous about it as a blind date. As a New Yorker, I'm nervous for her, although I can't imagine too much hassle from a co-op board in this city these days. The market is flooded. They build condos in Washington Heights now. Washington Heights!
Kenneth is sucking coffee from the pot now in Tracy's office. Tracy tries to get him to slow down, and I think it works, because Kenneth tries to fight Grizz, then hugs Grizz and says, "You guys are my best friends." It's funny 'cause it's true. Tracy sniffs the coffee and takes a sip, hoping for some of what Kenneth's on.
Here's a surprise -- C.C. walks into an OTB full of small-town coal miners. Is this A.J.'s college town? What happened? Actually it's Jack's idea. "You said you wanted to meet me halfway and this betting parlor in Pennsylvania coal mining country is exactly halfway the distance between my office and yours." He serenades her with promises of putting work second, or to at least treat her like she was work -- or at the very least to make her love and affection his night shift (great movie). Basically, Jack is so in love he's willing to work like a West Indian for it, minus about thirteen jobs.
Back at the Rock, a PA announcement calls for "Gladys Knight to the stage" as a dressed up Lemon walks up to a fully caffeinated Kenneth and drops about 20 German TV show DVDs into his lap. She's got the co-op meeting tonight, and she's heard him speak German during his page tours, so that qualifies him to summarize each show for Mr. Donaghy by tomorrow. Kenneth agrees to it, but then again, he's also doing an impression of Robin Williams...on coffee!
Fun fact about Central Park: Olmstead and Vaux actually segmented the park into many different "sections." There's Sheep Meadow, of course, where sheep were invented, and the Great Lawn, where the city's financial firms have their annual homeless Olympics; further north are the double-sided Irish-only/Negro-only patches of the park, a legacy of its original design when the Irish patch of the park was "anywhere they had to work to build it" and the Negro patch was "wherever white people weren't paying attention." But another overlooked patch was for Pennsylvania coal miners, and that appears to be the patch Jack and C.C. are strolling through. I'm sorry, did I just get off topic? Jack brings up the idea of the two of them moving "here" to "Pennsylvania." They're not in Central Park (wink). He wants them to get away from their hectic work lives. Jack's cell phone rings and, from a bridge overlooking the lake, he chucks it into the water. C.C. is so moved, she does the same; then Jack screams out, "I'm in love!" as two ash-faced coal miners wearily lumber past. "God, I wish this place weren't halfway between DC and New York," one of them says. Jack and C.C. are in love with the country life. I hear someone yell from outside my street-facing apartment window: "Everyone hates you!" The city has its charms too...maybe I should move? Speaking of...
That night at the Windmere things are not going well for Lemon and the three graying co-op members who have to approve her application, and that's despite Lemon's obvious display of cleavage from across the table. Hey, if it didn't work on Wayne Brady, Liz, it sure as hell isn't going to work on...Papa Gilmore! Ladies and gentlemen, it's Rory's granddad Edward Herrmann as head of the co-op board. Where you lead / I will follow / anywhere that you tell me to...I will follow/where you lead. Anyway, Lemon is trying to explain to Papa G and the other members why she lied about having read that book The Lovely Bones, but things spiral into first-date awkwardness. "Funny story. I was on a plane once with Brett Favre's cousin," says Lemon. There's that laugh stick again. This really is the best show, isn't it? Papa G takes off his glasses -- not good news. Lemon declares her love for the building, but it's clear she's too eager, too needy to score. Someone's not doing "the deed" tonight. Pun.
Jena enters Lemon's office as she always does, talking. Lemon missed the Gladys Knight sound check. "Did you know they replace the Pips every five years just like Menudo?" Poor Pips, forever the butt of a joke. Lemon is worried about last night's co-op meeting. It clearly didn't go well, but she is restraining herself from calling, opting instead to play hard to get. Jonathan bursts in, alarmed. "The German are coming!" The German TV execs are here about the proposed buyout, but Jack is MIA in Central Park -- I mean, "mining country." Lemon asks for Kenneth. Turns out he's alone in the dressing room, and he and his latte 'stache laugh hysterically at a smiling pillow as some German kid plays the tuba in lederhosen on TV in the background. Tracy sees but doesn't believe.
Lemon meets the Germans in Jack's office and they all speak in German, as Germans are wont to do, but Lemon's Deutsche is as bad as her co-op banter. She makes no sense and can't understand them either. Tensions haven't been this high since the first Die Hard movie. She says something in German to resolve matters and the head German is suddenly very happy. He and his countrymen wring their fists in approval and do some kind of post-home run celebration thing with their hands. Liz just bought a German television station.
Back in Not Central Park, Jack and C.C. enjoy another quiet stroll in the wilderness of the little hamlet they've posted up in. Neither of them has thought about work the entire weekend. "I know, it's weird," says C.C. "Good weird, or last night weird?" asks Jack. Alec Baldwin just won another Golden Globe.
Tracy is having the cappuccino machine removed from the premises. Kenneth wants it back so desperately, he turns into Pookie from New Jack City. "C'mon! I'll make you feel good." It's to no avail, and Tracy gives Kenneth a wakeup call. Kenneth looks himself in the mirror to see just how far he's fallen. The city has changed him. He's coffee-addicted; he went to a PG-13 movie; he bought sunglasses; he tried a Jewish doughnut. Not unlike the Midnight Cowboy, he's been molested by New York and Tracy is merely his Ratzo. Its time to go home for greener pastures, dear boy Kenneth. Mamma waits.
Lemon is in her apartment pouring herself white wine, and in a series of phone calls to the co-op board members, she gets the following messages across: She's doing great. Where are you, co-op board? (While on the bathroom floor.) She knows who she is. Where are you, though, co-op board? Call me back? (While singing Alanis.) She feels sorry for you, co-op board. She hopes you feel sorry for making her go to the hospital. (While on a treadmill.) She's moved on. The white wine flows in a drunk-dialing spell rivaled only by Paul Giamatti's in Sideways. "What is it with white people and white wine and telephones?" asks my imaginary friend Blackzilla. He asked it rhetorically, so I don't answer.
"Lemon, how do you say 'buy' and 'sell' in German?" "Verkauf und Kauf," she answers. "So close. Other way around." Jack shows Lemon this morning's business section: "SALE OF NBC TO GERMAN FIRM RUMORED." Jack is sad, not because of the bad business maneuver, but because he's realized that you can't have it all. The big office and true love are diametrically opposed. "You have to choose," he says. "So which are you going to choose?" asks Lemon. CUT TO? The OTB in Pennsylvania! Jack picks love! C.C. calls him as he waits. She's still in Washington. That bitch! She missed a vote when they were away for the weekend, and now a Lott-Specter bill legalizing recreational whale torture has passed the Senate. She doesn't want to sacrifice her career. But Jack argues back. "Get in that ridiculous electric car of yours and get up here." C.C. begins a long explanation for her reasoning and as she speaks, Don Geiss calls. Jack has no choice but to flip over. Geiss has what appears to be good news. Jack flips back over at the end of C.C.'s speech that ends with, "Don't you agree?" He hems and haws and they soon both realize it isn't going to work. The breakup is amicable. "In another life," says Jack.
Kenneth bids goodbye to Tracy. He's going back to Georgia and over Tracy, Grizz, and Dotcom's protests, he and his overalls walk out that door. That door. That door...come the horns and the bass line and piano. Tracy begins to sing his own version of "Midnight Train to Georgia" with Grizz and Dotcom as his Pips. To try and describe it would be like dancing to architecture or trying to put into words the one and only time I ever met Mike Tyson.
Then we see Lemon walking home, a lonely girl. She runs into Papa G and the rest of the co-op board members. "Liz, you look good." They introduce her to the woman who won the co-op's approval for the condo; Lemon keeps her head held high and offers sage advice about apartment remodeling. As she keeps her chin up, the music begins to swell again.
Back at 30 Rock, Tracy and the Pips go into a second verse, walking down the hallway singing to camera. Up pops Jena! A diva through and through, she takes the song completely over with some patented Aguilera over-singing. Oh how I love this moment. Jena, you're a star. Lemon joins Jack in his office, while he watches C.C. on G-Span television, to commiserate with his lost love. She says he should have gone for it with C.C. but then Jack says something true: "You made the same choice that C.C. and I did. You chose your career over Floyd." Then Jack drops into his singing part and C.C., still on TV behind him, joins the chorus too. "I've got to go / I've got to go," sings Lemon with disgust on her face at the choices she's made. Tracy, Jena, Grizz, and Dotcom keep the song going, and Kenneth busts into the studio singing, "I missed it." He missed his midnight train back home, misinformed about the time. They sing a final stanza of "He Missed The Midnight Train To Georgia." A pissed-off Gladys Knight walks in. "I'm trying to get some sleep. What's going on in here?" "Nothing, Gladys Knight," says Tracy. "Sorry." Celebrity Apprentice is . God, I miss the writers.
...who wrote these jokes! See how I folded that into itself? What were the best lines? Apparently, they were entire conversations:
Jack gleams Mitt Romney's comeback strategy
"The President's only going to veto your crazy social programs. The founding fathers never intended for the poor to live into their forties."
Answer: By not eating
"C.C. and I are trying to meet halfway, which means balancing work, and love, and life. I honestly don't know how Kelly Ripa does it."
Fish sticks! Tracy, fish sticks!
Kenneth: "I don't drink coffee, sir. I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devil's temperature."
Tracy: "Ken, this is New York. The Big Easy. Live a little! Boundaries are made to be tested. That's why my wife and I stopped using a safe word [in air quotes]."
Colombian roast
Tracy: "Hey, slow down there, Ken. Coffee is not like alcohol. It's pretty addictive."
Kenneth: "I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain. You know what we've never done, Grizz? Fight each other!"
Regrets...a few
Jack: "All my life work came first. I missed so many weddings, funerals, karate demonstrations..."
C.C.: "Birthdays, Lilith Fairs..."
Jack: "But not anymore. You're my new night job. And I'm going to love you like my boss is watching."
(Un)interrupted
Lemon: "Well, this is very important..."
Kenneth: "You are!"
Lemon: "I need you to watch these shows..."
Kenneth: "Watch watch it."
Lemon: "...and write a summary of each one. It's for Mr. Donaghy..."
Kenneth: "Oh boy!"
Lemon: "...and he's asked to get it done by tomorrow and I am delegating it to you..."
Kenneth: "Your last name is weird."
Lemon: "Are you okay?
Kenneth: "Who wants coffee?"
On Jack's pond
"I'll grow a beard. People from my old life will pass through town. They won't even recognize me. They'll just say 'thanks, Pap' and then they'll buy some of my cider."
The eHarmony match test
Lemon: "So we have so much in common...um...we're all white."
Lost in translation
"Return Germany... Tell the... Time. Hubcap(?)"
You've never been to a Denny's?
Jack: "That's what I call a country breakfast. Although I've never been to a place where they kill the pig in front of you?"
C.C.: "It's so quaint. It's strange we didn't get any ham."
You and 8 million other stories
"I've always been told that New York was the twenty-first-century city of Sodom and look what's happened? I've become one of them. I've been sodomized."
#8 out of the jealous-lover playbook
"I've moved on. I've bought a whole bunch of other apartments. I bought a black apartment."
I'll have the roast duck with the mango salsa
"Excuse me, could you turn off the race announcer and put on some Gladys Knight? And what is the champagne situation here?"
Edie's perfect delivery
"We only know one speed, Jack. The drive, the ambition, our belief that sex is a competition."
Is that Margaret Thatcher or is that Tilda Swinton?
Kenneth: "I'm going back to Georgia."
Tracy: "What? No you can't leave, Ken. Who's going to help me tell white people apart?"
Dotcom: "What about our tickets to Spamalot?"
Grizz: "And who's going to be my wing man at speed dating?"
Drunk-dial prevention
Lemon: "Sorry about C.C."
Jack: "Thanks, Lemon. Wanna get drunk?"
Lemon: "No, there's too many phones in here."
The entire "Midnight Train to Georgia" performance.