I saw Electric Six last night at a free concert in Brooklyn. It was the new hotness. It was better than your mother, more dependable than your dad. The lead singer looks like one of Philip Seymour Hoffman's asshole friends from Scent of a Woman, but coked out and funnier than everyone. The guitarists looked like Adam Goldberg, Kenny G, and Elton John circa Rocket Man. I looked like Lemon eating a Mars bar on Mars, in a scene from Star Wars. Good time had. Highly recommend -- my Christmas gift to you. Is it really that time of year again, by the way? I guess it is...
Frank pre-apologizes and pre-forgives what is to be done to him, by him at the upcoming office Christmas party. "Merry Ludachristmas everyone!" Ludachristmas, by the way, is why 30 Rock is one of the best shows on television.
Jena makes a similar entrance to the writers' room and feigns surprise that Ludachristmas is tonight. "Ludachristmas is tonight?" she says, feigning surprise. I just repeated myself. I just said the same thing twice. Oh! Just did it again. Oops, I did it again...sakes alive! That's soGroundhogs Day right? Speaking of which, Lemon's brother, Mitch, is a victim of trauma-induced nivea-fascia. The result of a ski accident his senior year of high school, Mitch is mentally stuck in the day before his accident in 1985. Also, he's Andy Richter. Kenneth walks in holding a box of Sheinhardt/Universal PS-575 photo shredders and hands them out joyfully to the room. The room promptly throws them into a trash bin. "Well that's not the Christmas spirit," laments Kenneth. To him, Christmas is about togetherness and family and an open fire and owl meat. On cue, a stripper with a whooping cough walks in early and says, "I'm here to have Christmas meat eaten off my chest at some party?" And the crowd goes wild. All save Kenneth. He walks into Lemon's office to deliver to her a PS-575. She grabs it without looking and chucks it in the wastebasket.
Tracy, Grizz, and DotCom walk in after Kenneth, wearing suits. "Oooh, how was court," nudges Lemon, not realizing that, in fact, they actually were just in court. "Not great, Beth," answers Grizz, and I realize suddenly that the Grizz-loves-Lemon subtext is being carried along faithfully by having Grizz more familiarly address Lemon as "Beth." Again, continuity! Anyway, Tracy is now forced to wear an ankle bracelet for 30 days. If even a drop of his sweat contains alcohol, a signal is beamed to a highly functional ankle bracelet headquarters in Denver, and he goes to jail. Lemon warns Tracy not to attend the Ludachristmas office party and puts Kenneth, Grizz, and DotCom (a familiar threesome) in charge of not allowing Tracy to drink.
Tracy, however, is having a difficult time staying sober during the holidays (aren't we all?). In a sober world, he finds football boring, his wife's sister unattractive, and his guitar playing...well, he can't play the guitar. Kenneth aims to distract Tracy's mind from the demons of alcohol by explaining to him a game that ultimately he can't explain. Tracy decides instead to go home and think on his new set of circumstances.
Preparations are being made for the Ludachristmas party. Jena and her keyboard player are going over harmonies when Lemon's brother Mitch asks her where to find the bathroom. He doesn't recognize her, let alone remember that they had sex. But when he sees the always fetching Cerie, his dull Andy Richter gaze turns less dull. "What's up? Do you like Wham?" Mitch can't make the party because of his big ski trip in 1985 tomorrow so Cerie suggests he come over to her place weekend while her parents are away. "I'll be in the hot tub," she says wickedly. Mitch pants. Frank and Toofer pant behind him. Who knew Cerie was even a little bit self-aware?
Tracy shows back up at the office just in time to walk down the hallway with almost the entire cast, all headed to the Ludachristmas party. I'm reminded of episode Greenzo, the scene before Kenneth's birthday party. They literally bop down the hallways, especially Cerie. Tracy rationalizes attending the office party until he suggests cutting off his own foot in order to drink at the party. The crowd cheers in agreement. They chant "Ludachristmas!" but the doors open to a solemn, Kubrick-esque blocked scene where Kenneth sits to a stern minister and Grizz and DotCom bar anyone from getting out the doors. "Some people need to learn about Christmas," says Kenneth, not holding his Linus blanket.
The good Reverend Gary finishes up a puppet show between a caveman and a nun to the thunderous applause of Kenneth and nobody else. The rest of the trapped participants sit in a circle wearing shell shocked expressions while Kenneth lectures them about the true meaning of Christmas. He proposes they go around the circle and everybody say what Christmas means to them ... Lutz yelps a banshee warrior cry and charges full steam into Grizz, falling flat on his back as the result.
Later, Reverend Gary plays a song on his acoustic guitar. Tracy has had enough: "This has got to stop now." The crowd starts to revolt. To calm and focus them, Kenneth plays a videotape made by Rev. Garry of his trip to Guatemala last year. In it, the Reverend hands out bricks to the local starving children who can't be more grateful. Then he shows them the wastebasket full of Christmas presents tossed out by the Ludachristmas revelers. Music in the background builds. They grow inspired: Frank wants to donate money to the kids; Cerie suggests foregoing gifts altogether; Josh wants to volunteer at a soup kitchen; Tracy wants to chop down the tree in front of Rockefeller Center. Yes! They all scream in agreement. It's the second great idea Tracy has had this episode, alongside cutting off his foot in order to drink. The group runs out of the room and heads for the tree as Kenneth humbly objects. Tracy smashes a fire alarm and grabs an axe along the way.
Down at the base of the Rockefeller tree, beautifully green-screened by television special effects people, Tracy gives his Christmas speech that ends with the words, "in order to stay sane, you have to go crazy." His ankle bracelet starts beeping. He's been drinking out of a flask shaped as the letters TJ adorned around his neck. Somewhere in Denver, the ankle bracelet security headquarters misses Tracy's alcohol violation, too busy with their own DMXmas.
In the other plot line, it's Christmas in Jack's office as Lemon pops in to wish him a merry one before leaving for the break. He offers a gift: the company's new handheld photo scanner/paper shredder. Lemon questions the design. "Won't people just end up shredding their photos?" Jack reassures her by pointing out the switch that flips from PS: photo scan to PS: photo shred. "So you see...oh."
Digressing, Lemon has big plans for the holidays. Her parents and brother are coming to visit. Jack expresses sympathy but Lemon is truly excited. Unlike Jack's Irish obstacle course of a family, Lemon's parents almost never fight. Jack, on the other hand, is counting his blessings; Mother Donaghy won't be making it up for Christmas on account of the Floridian hurricane she now lives dangerously in the eye of. Instead he plans on riding that tropical heavy pressure system all the way up to Vermont and visit his new girlfriend C.C. (hooray continuity!). Just then, Jonathan rushes in -- he's always rushing in -- carrying bags and a warning: "Jack, your mother is here. She got Jet Blue to take an Amtrak ticket." In walks Mother Donaghy singing Jingle Bells followed by that other timeless tune, Freudian mothering. She can't believe her son is still stuck in the same office and wonders what happened to his much talked about promotion. She turns her back to him and waits for him to take her coat. How sweet the comfort of a mother's love...
In the kitchen, Jack is putting together a precinct-sized tray of donuts for his mother's hotel room. Lemon joins him. "Permission to land?" says an off camera voice -- a sexy off-camera voice. "Permission granted!" shouts back Lemon. It's her family! Meet the Lemons: her brother Mitch, mother Margaret, and...hold on a minute, sailor. What piece of the hot train flipped the tracks when it saw you, Dick Lemon, played by Buck Henry? I want Buck Henry on the cover of Teen Viceland he's so smoking. His glasses make my glasses steam up. It's business time. Buck "Dick" Henry "Lemon" compliments Jack by telling him that he looks like an Arrow Shirt model. Mother Lemon is equally full of compliments, hugging her daughter and asking Jack if beautiful genius Lemon isn't the best employee he's ever had? A long beat. "No," answers Jack. The whole family cracks up with laughter. Buck Dick Lemon walks with Lemon, calling her "Wilma Shakespeare" and embarrassing her with his pride. Margaret grabs Jack by the cheeks, says something to him in baby, and then kisses him maternally on the lips.
Later, Jack catches up with Lemon. He wants to know if everything is okay. He finds her family strange, and not just because of her time-trapped brother. Her parents' unsettling good nature, optimism, and support are unnatural to Jack, but Lemon sees nothing wrong. They've always been supportive, "Even when I sued the Lower White Haven school district to let girls play football." Cut to Lemon completely missing a game ending field goal in high school but then yelling "Feminism!" as her reluctant teammates stand silent.
Mother Donaghy is with Jack in his office. She aches to use the bathroom, and shortly after her exit, Ma and Pa Lemon unexpectedly drop by to give Jack a Christmas gift. They are impressed by Jack's office and his nice carpet. "Your mother must be so proud of you" gushes Lemon's mother. They can't believe Jack dates a congresswoman; they can't believe he dates a congresswoman with her own Lifetime movie. Jack has heard enough: "Why don't we cut the charade and you two tell me what exactly it is you two want from me?" A long beat. The Lemons burst out in laughter.
The laughter keeps sliding down the cheeks of these newfound friends when Lemon and brother Mitch walk in. Jack opens his Christmas present from the Lemons: cheese, butter, and caramel popcorn. He loves it, and he takes Lemon up on her invite to go window-shopping with them. As he hears his own mother flushing the toilet in the adjoining bathroom, he hurries everyone out.
The Lemons plus Jack all wear matching red Christmas sweaters as Liz and Jack lace up their skates at Rockefeller Center. Sexy Dick Buck Lemon brags about his daughter's athletic prowess, noting her star turn as a football goddess. "It was just one game dad," deflects Lemon, "although I did kinda change everything forever." "I'll never forget that day," says her proud daddy. Jack seems to be basking in the glow of the Lemon family's unconditional support, even accepting a compliment on how well his skates are tied. They smile and pose for a group picture when the howl and rush of a great cackle beneath the heavens but still above their heads comes thundering down upon them. "Jack!" It's Mother Donaghy. "Having fun?"
Jack tries to convince Mother Donaghy of the innate sincerity and goodness of the Lemon family, but she doesn't want to hear it. She promises that, given ten minutes alone with the Lemons, they'll be tearing at one another "like drag queens at a wig sale."
The Lemons, Jack, and Mother Donaghy all sit down at a Grizzlebees, or some such, and Mother Donaghy gets to work. She begins by sowing seeds of disappointment, bringing up the topic of grandchildren and Liz's love life but the Lemons seem perfectly satisfied with Champy their Spaniel, absent any grandkids. Mom Donaghy shifts topics to politics, but to no avail. Jack begs her to back off but she's convinced that the Lemons are in denial. Mother Donaghy asks brother Mitch if he ever feels second class, what with Liz getting all the attention, but he answers no. As a matter of fact, his parents took him to see the movie Goonies just yesterday -- and by yesterday, he means 1985 yesterday. Lemon can't believe it. She's stunned. The day before the day before her brother's ski accident was the day she played on the football team. Her parents never went to the game; they were "embarrassed." Buck Henry Lemon loved White Haven football. "I was taking a stand for women," reminds Lemon. "Are you taking a stand now by not giving us grandkids?" retorts Mother Lemon. Lemon wonders why they never bother Mitch about grandkids. "Because he's 17," announces Poppa Lemon. "He's 40!" says Lemon. Gasp! Mitch's memory comes flooding back: He's so old! Poppa Lemon can't believe that Lemon didn't offer to pick up the dinner check: "I'm on a fixed income." Momma Lemon asks for another drink. Mother Donaghy leans over to Jack: "Bingo."
And as for the best lines of the night:
Jack's proverbial political line
Jack: What are you trying to say Lemon? That your family's perfect and they never fight?
Lemon: No, I remember them arguing a lot during the gas crisis of '79 but since Carter left office it's been pretty smooth sailing.
Jack: You got that right.
Boo! Andy Richter having sex
Jena: It should be mentioned that sexually Mitch is very much an adult.
Lemon: No, it should not be mentioned.
Happy Holi-duh
Kenneth: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Jewish.
This week's Tracy reel
DotCom: All Tray had to do was sign his community service papers, but he makes a stop for breakfast first.
Tracy: So it's my fault diners can serve alcohol in New York State? That's on me now?
Tracy: And now, this time of the year -- Ludachristmas, New Year's Eve, Martin Luther King Day -- all you do is drink.
"This is a flask."
Words and the power to change
Mother Lemon: [On set] Oooh my goodness, look at this. They built all of this because of words you wrote!
Lemon: [takes a bow behind a sign that reads 'Who Farted?'] Thank you. Thank you.
The passive-aggressive approach
Jack: What did your mother mean when she said you were a beautiful genius, was she taunting you?
Reading Lemon
Jack: I've never seen such relentlessly blind encouragement. No wonder you're a sexually frightened know it all.
Jena Live
"Open-open-homina, homina, homina...open pit barbeque sauce! Yes, this is the sweet spot."
Mother Donaghy is no one's ostrich
"Nice. I'll show you nice. Let's all meet down at the soda shop while this country turns into Mexico."
See food
Mother Donaghy: It's so hard to choose. The photos of the food look so good.
Kenneth and his rock opera
[Applause] "Thank you, Reverend Gary. It was to the tune of 'American Pie,' but so much longer."