Science! What can I say about it? Literally a lot. Chances are if you don't know the answer then Science is it. How do magnets attract metal? When will the sun burn out? Where did that girl I was just talking to go? Science! The only thing more wonderfully mysterious is politics, a subject that 30 Rock gleefully leaps into week after week. It's the main obstacle for otherwise lovebirds Jack and C.C. The new couple grips each other passionately in Jack's office, in the early morning. You can feel the passion by the way he's standing behind her and we all know what that means. It's a two shot. After years of seeing Edie Falco gripped and man-handled like a Subway sub on The Sopranos, it's odd watching her play footsie with a guy who isn't a Neanderthal in track sweats. Since C.C. is suing Jack's parent company, Sheinhardt Wigs, for toxically poisoning children in Vermont, they must keep their affair private. They can rest assured of being alone since the creative types aren't early morning risers and Jonathan has been sent out to chase Italian delicacies at a non-existent bakery in Queens. Like clockwork, Lemon barges in to the sight of their secret embrace and yelps "workplace!" Jack introduces Lemon to "Lakisha Gutierrez Arafat," which sounds like a Victoria's Secret model in 2020. Lemon exchanges awkward pleasantries then "leaves them to it," and by "it" she means business, and by business she means risky. "Lemon out," she says, then exits with a child's grin.
Pete is having a gentleman's lunch -- the bento box from Sushi King and the lesbian scene from Mullholland Drive -- but Kenneth barges in wearing a Santa's cap and announces to Mr. Hornberg that in appreciation for all his hard work he's brought all his kid's to work for him. The kids pile into Pete's office wrecking his "me-time." Then...wait, this is an American Express commercial. How many 30 Rock commercials are there now? I'm sure I saw Grizz and DotCom selling me ring tones on BET.
Back to the actual show, where Jack is in Lemon's office inviting her to a dinner party. He wants to show off C.C. to his friends, and Lemon counts among them. But it must be kept private, so as Jack leaves the office, he wishes her luck battling her Alopecia problem.
At the dinner party, Lemon discovers she's only one of two invited guests, Kenneth being the other. For the sake of discretion, Jack and C.C. had to eliminate invitees with any amount of "influence, or connections, or stature," so dinner consists of Kenneth asking Lemon questions from his note cards. "Liz, tell me a painful story about your teenage years."
C.C. visits Lemon's office wanting advice on what to do about her secret relationship with Jack. Lemon protests, explaining that she had a Three Musketeers bar for breakfast, but when pressed she implies to C.C. that no man is worth compromising for. Then she remembers that yesterday was her birthday.
Jack is startled to see C.C. waiting for him in his office. She has agreed to settle out with Sheinhardt to the tune of $5 million for each child who was turned orange by their toxic dumping. She wants their relationship to go public, but Jack hesitates, afraid that his colleagues may still harbor resentment towards her. C.C. realizes she has sacrificed too much for a man who isn't ready for commitment and she regrets having taken the advice of a woman who tapes her bras together. "Lemon," grumbles Jack. C.C. puts on a wig for disguise and heads for the freight elevator. "Everybody looks good in a Sheinhardt," says Jack.
Jack derisively thanks Lemon for talking C.C. into going public with their relationship. They stop in front of the elevator. "You just don't understand what I'm going through," bemoans Jack. "Nobody understands what I'm going through." The elevator opens up and folksy political strategist/folksy TV personality James Carville is standing inside. floor: ladies underwear, magic, lawn equipment, and bi-partisan sex. Carville tells Jack that if he's worried about the opinion of his peers he should get out in front of the story, Cajun style, and break the news on his own terms...Cajun style. A series of sharp pain in my groin, knees, and back reminds me of that not long for this world HBO drama K Street that had no script, no sense of humor, no Larry David, and plenty of James Carville. Turns out Tina Fey writes for Carville better than Carville does.
Jack asks C.C. to bring him his John Legend CD, but when she arrives he takes her to his executive dining room, taps on his glass, calling everyone to attention, and amid the audible gasps and/or contained chortles of the company men, he introduces his lover C.C. to the crowd -- his liberal hippy-dippy momma. "I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it, and this is my woman." The gesture does not go unnoticed and soon a man stands up and admits to contributing money to NPR. That's nothing. "My children go to public school," says a woman in the dinner crowd. "I'm gay" announces an old man; "I'm black" reveals a young one. C.C. is so grateful to the crowd that she admits to having voted for Reagan in 1984. Applause explodes from the audience.
In one of the subplots, Frank walks into the writers' room wearing a Harvard sweatshirt to which Toofer immediately takes offense, reminding Frank that he was not "graduated from that institution." But Frank informs him of the "squeezer" he got from an Indian girl on a bunk bed. "I think I got the whole Harvard experience." Toofer begins to boil. "You do not want to make a Harvard man angry," he says, and is met with derision and mock terror by the room.
The day, Frank walks up to Toofer wearing a stove pipe hat that reads "Harvard" and a snappy sweater with the letter 'H' embroidered in the middle. He also purports to have lived in Lowell House and been a member of The Signet Society. Toofer shows off the Signet pin on his lapel as the only proof of authenticity to such a claim, but Frank shows off his own Signet pin, worn on the zipper of his pants.
Toofer escalates by wearing a Frank costume complete with a hat that says 'Mom Expert'. The show's not over yet, but how could anything be funnier than this? I'm not sure how to describe Toofer other than, I guess, a tomboy from an early 80's documentary on break dancing. Both demand that the other take off his costume but it's a stalemate.
Toofer and Frank want Lemon to settle the great impasse, but she's too busy doing things in the real world. If they give up their feud now they'll be ridiculed. What to do? Cajun style! Carville overhears their conversation and tells them they need to change the story. "Like Karl Rove in the last election when he made it about gays and swiftboats. What's your swiftboat?" he asks. It's Josh's hair, as it turns out. At the writers' meeting, Toofer and Frank point out Josh's fro-hawk, prompting Lemon to nickname him Dr. Haircut. Problem solved, it would seem, and Frank texts James Carville in appreciation.
The other subplot begins with Jenna strutting onto set holding an award she just won for her performance in the movie version of the stage version of the movie Mystic Pizza. The self-congratulation barely registers with the wind before Tracy throws a tantrum. "How long are we gonna talk about this stupid award?" and "Where are the French fries I did not ask for? You guys need to anticipate me!" He storms out of rehearsal. Lemon goes to see Tracy in his dressing room. He's upset about never having won an award, even losing out on a Kids' Choice to Shaquille O'Neal. He's ready to give it all up for crystal meth, but Lemon thinks quickly on her feet and tells him he in fact just won an award; a Lifetime achievement honor from the Pacific Rim Emmys -- finally, a solid reason for Wesley Snipes to work in television! Tracy is excited. He loves the Japanese culture, especially going sharking, which is less about the fish and more about pulling ladies' tops down in public places while guys film it. Lemon asks Pete to create a fake award for Tracy then reassures Jenna that she is the "rock" of the cast -- the sane one.
Tracy asks Lemon what time his flight to Japan leaves so that he can accept his Pacific Rim award, but Lemon tells him that he'll never make it in time. Fine. Tracy says he'll accept the award via satellite at 4 AM in the morning, right after his cruise on a gentlemen's barge is over. He wants his kids to see their dad win something for a change. He also wants Jenna and Josh by his side -- his "background players." Jenna is fed up, not at Tracy, but at Liz, who gives Tracy anything he wants while she has to ask Kenneth to chase out a rogue squirrel in her dressing room.
The hoax of the Pacific Rim continues that night when Tracy gives an acceptance speech to an unplugged camera in front of Lemon and Pete with Jenna and Josh standing either side of him. He thanks his wife, his kids, this Josh dude, Liz Lemon, the bald-headed guy setting up the camera (Pete), and one very special blonde lady..."Shelley Long you are truly an inspiration to me. I know that!" He closes by thanking the Japanese for their cultural gifts of karate, karaoke, and Shark Attack. Then he rips down Jenna's dress. Jenna is humiliated. "How could Tracy not thank me?" she asks Liz later in her dressing room. She's fed up with not getting any attention at work and decides the only way for her to get noticed is if she starts acting like Tracy.
When Pete informs Lemon of how much a terror Jenna has become since adopting her "act like Tracy" policy. Lemon goes to her dressing room and is let in by David Bowie from the Aladdin Sane album. She has a new entourage: Sasha, Patrice, and Master Alexia, and they read Lemon a new one, which is like tearing someone a new one if you happen to be gay and not a high school football coach. Jenna will rehearse but only if she feels like it.
Later, Kenneth asks Lemon where to find the office for the new writer on the show, Master Alexia. Also, Tracy can't believe Lemon allowed Jenna to take off in the middle of the day and now he wants to talk like a robot during the entire show. Fed up, Lemon tells Jenna off by letting her know that she's actually been the most difficult cast member on the show, and Liz has been coddling her this whole time. Jenna's award for Mystic Pizza is actually just a cookie baked by Lemon to boost Jenna's self-esteem. "You get jealous of babies for their soft skin," she says. "And how much attention they get," reminds Jenna. Every day is a fresh hell, says Lemon, and she doesn't eat or sleep right thanks to Jenna and Tracy, but mostly thanks to Jenna. Jenna thanks her vigorously, kissing her on the face for such kind words.
What? No pies in the face this week? Brilliant one-liners will have to do, I guess:
If I don't get at least 18 hours I'm a basket case
Jack: Lemon, you're here early.
Lemon: Well I gave up caffeine so I've been going to bed at 5:30.
Sheinhardt's corporate profile
Lemon: Wait, isn't she that congresswoman who's...
Jack: Trying to destroy this company for allegedly turning some children orange? Yes, and therein lays the dilemma. This corporation has a very strict bros before hos policy.
No wonder Shaq hates Kobe
Animated Tracy: Boy, I hope we rescue the starfish king on this adventure.
Animated Shaquille O'Neal: It'll be a slam dunk.
Animated Tracy: Would you call what we did last night sex?
Tracy's valuable time
"I spent 2 days making that movie from my home and what did I get? A million dollars, a yellow Bentley, and nothing!"
A movie worth its weight in yellow Bentleys
Tracy: I spent nine months in Japan filming Samurai-Am Awry.
Your Ex-O is a deadbeat
Frank: My mom's a great lady.
Toofer: Oh, was it her greatness that made your dad leave?
Frank: He didn't leave. He's a submarine commander running silent
Mad Men #1
C.C.: I'm not going to apologize for being ambitious Jack.
Jack: You shouldn't. I like it when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes.
On the Nip/Tuck
Jenna: I'm going to get my eyeballs whitened.
Carville channels Carville
"Jack, is it really the opinion of others that you're worried about or are you learning something new about yourself and you find that a little scary? ...Cajun style."
Mad Men #2
Jack: (to the executive dinner crowd) Gentlemen. Token ladies. I have an important announcement.
And by "murdered," I just mean "loved her very much"
"I murdered my wife."