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As Kiefer returns to CTU, Curtis and his men are lukewarm on the trail of Yellow Tie and his stolen cache of what turns out to be nerve gas. FLOTUS wakes up to find her evidence gone, and her persistence in sticking to her story -- a story that now includes an attack on her personally, mind you -- just makes her seem more crazy and paranoid. So Logan lets Walt talk him into having her committed, but she flies the coop before the men in white coats come. Audrey has a pointed and ten-shades-of-awkward interview with Diane, then reunites with Kiefer and kisses his ass for a while (Derek gets her sloppy seconds). The Man orders Kiefer eliminated from inside CTU. Since Spencer is much too obvious a mole suspect to actually be the mole, he turns out to be the mole. Ain't no amount of candy and flowers going to smooth that shit over with Chloe. While Kiefer and McGill compare notes and speculate on the possibility of Palmer's assassin being based in the White House, Spencer illicitly lets a guy into the building. But when the guy turns out to be a hit man and tries to kill Kiefer, Spencer comes clean and says he's been secretly working for Walt -- who he thought was one of the good guys. I'd say he's quickly learning that good guys are a vanishing species on this show. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Before we get started, I just have to clear something up. In the first recap of the season, I mentioned that Kiefer was rocking a "greasy brown mullet" in the DVD prequel, and never said anything different when he turned up in the season premiere. So at this time, I'd just like to assure our readers who aren't actually seeing the show that Kiefer's hair this season is perfectly presentable. It's so short all over that it almost looks brown, and occasionally you can catch a glimpse of where his bald spot's going to be before too long. I realize this isn't all that vital a piece of information, but it's just that, if you're reading this someplace where the season hasn't begun yet, I didn't want you thinking that Kiefer was still running around looking like the dissolute uncle of his own character in The Lost Boys. Now, on with the show.
Yellow Tie and the Yellowtones have been busy during the previouslies. They're loading the Thermoses of Death -- which have the biohazard symbol stamped on the side as well as on the top -- into much smaller crates to a panel truck parked inside the hangar. It's a lot like the truck Beresch blew up a couple of hours ago, but in addition to not being blown up yet, this one's blue and it's got a catering decal stuck t-- wait, two of the guys are peeling it off to reveal a S.W.A.T team stencil on the side. Sneaky terrorists. That should be illegal. Yellow Tie and Leather Jacket load the crates and themselves into the back of the truck, while the other two guys don S.W.A.T. jackets and caps and hop in the front. Impersonating law enforcement should also be illegal, I think. And stealing biochemical agents should definitely be illegal. Or maybe that's just me that thinks that. In any case, they all drive out into daylight.
Kiefer's riding in the back of a CTUmobile with two agents in the front. The female agent in the shotgun seat apologizes for having to bring Kiefer in, and marvels at his ability to stay invisible for a year and a half. Kiefer says he wasn't invisible enough. I blame the mullet. The chick agent answers her ringing cell phone; it's Curtis, for Kiefer. He asks Kiefer for the most likely exit that Yellow Tie would have used during the distraction of the firefight at the end of the last episode, and Kiefer tells him. Curtis relays that info to the AV guy who's hooked in to the airport terminal's surveillance cameras, and has him pull up the footage from the relevant place and time.
At an even more relevant place and time, the fake S.W.A.T. van carrying Yellow Tie, the Yellowtones, and a bunch nerve gas pulls up to the airport security gate, stops at the checkpoint, and easily fools the unsuspecting guards into letting them pass. In the back of the van, Yellow Tie tells his cell phone, "We're away."
Smiling for some reason, Evelyn comes back into the First Lady's suite to find FLOTUS splayed out on the bed, dead to the world and looking as if she'd been dropped there from a great height. Evelyn, alarmed, tries unsuccessfully to rouse her boss, then calls for help. "Get a doctor now," she tells the Secret Service agent who comes running. Except she kind of swallows the "now," making the line sound like she was telling the Secret Service agent to do something else a minute ago. Combine that with the smile, and I may be formulating a theory as to why she hasn't quit already.
Curtis and his AV guy have managed to locate some ten-minute-old video footage of Yellow Tie, skulking among the airport's hangars. They track Yellow Tie's movements, right up until he disappears into Hangar BB. Curtis asks if that hangar's been searched yet, and the AV guy says it hasn't, since it's "outside the secured perimeter." Wait, outside the perimeter? Then how did Yellow Tie get past -- oh, never mind. Curtis quickly rounds up a posse of armored CTU agents, and they all hop onto the running boards of a nearby CTUmobile which peels out for Hangar BB. On his way, Curtis calls up Edgar for some technobabble to kill the thirty seconds it takes to cover the distance to the hangar. At 11:06:02, Curtis and his men dismount the CTUmobile outside the building, and quickly enter, weapons drawn. Of course, once inside, they learn what we already know: the bad guys left five minutes ago, and now there's nothing left but a giant hole in the floor that contains the world's largest Igloo cooler, which in turn contains nothing but twenty empty slots for Thermoses of Death. The bad guys didn't even pull up their ladder or turn their work lights off. Man, the only thing worse than a terrorist is a wasteful terrorist. Curtis tells his men to fan out and look around, but it's Curtis who finds the big lead: a dead rat. Also, another dead rat. Curtis prods the nearest deceased rodent with a loose fragment of something, and determines that, yes, that is definitely an ex-rat. He gets on his comm unit and calls for a forensics team. "Tell them they'll need a full bio pack with spectrum analyzers," he adds. Someone's going down! Aw, I had no idea Curtis was such an animal lover.
At a vacant lot somewhere (presumably) nearby, Yellow Tie (no longer wearing his yellow tie, but not yet endowed with an actual name) and his men meet up with a driver who's waiting to a parked semi. There's talk of "transport" and "customs" and a "port," and it's all very mysterious while we try to figure out what they could possibly be up to. And then Yellow Tie snarls, "The Russians will understand the consequences of occupying our homeland when we turn Moscow into a graveyard." Oh, give it all away, why don't you?
It's 11:08:02 as Logan arrives at the FLOTUSuite to find his wife sitting up groggily on the end of her bed, being attended to by a doctor. "When did this happen?" Logan demands of Evelyn. Evelyn says she found FLOTUS that way when she came back a few minutes ago. "You mean you left her alone," the Prez bitches, and turns to attend to his wife rather than having Evelyn audited. FLOTUS seems relieved to see Logan, but she's taking exception to the doctor's characterization of the event as her having "blacked out." As Logan sits down to her, she hugs him tight and whispers urgently in his ear, "They're trying to get me...I had the proof, and now it's gone." Good, that'll make her seem less crazy. Of course, she's referring to evidence of her claim that Palmer was trying to warn her about something before he died. You'll be astounded to read that Logan doesn't leap up and start running around looking for conspirators. Walt, who has just arrived, looks down uncomfortably instead of guiltily, which is probably a smart move on his part. FLOTUS despairingly realizes that Logan doesn't believe her. Well, yeah, lady, that particular clue phone's been ringing for at least four hours. As she melts into a little puddle, Logan gets up and tells the doctor he's off for a call with the Secretary of State. Yes, Mr. President, you're a very important guy. Go talk to Mister Secretary of State. Tool. FLOTUS doesn't want him to leave for some reason, but he rudely extricates himself and walks out.
Walt and two Secret Service agents are close behind, but Logan waves off the guards for a private conference with Walt at 11:10:25. Walt reminds Logan that FLOTUS was like this before she was sent, and I quote, "to Vermont." "She said she'd rather die than go back there," Logan says, flushing three electoral votes down the shitter. But Walt says, "If she's going to persist with these conspiracy theories, it's only a matter of time before she talks to someone who believes her. Then we really will have a problem." Walt offers to "handle this" for the Prez, and Logan sadly agrees. "But don't let Martha find out," he warns. "Let me be the one to tell her." Well, that shouldn't be too hard, right?
Outside, Walt answers his ringing cell phone. It's The Man, who doesn't really have anything important to say and just wants to increase Walt's exposure to detection. At first I wondered why The Man would be so stupid as to recklessly call Walt at Not Camp David, when at any given moment there's a good chance that Walt is with the President. But then I remembered that the President is even stupider, so that made more sense. In any case, The Man is actually calling to ask if the FLOTUSituation has been resolved, and Walt assures him that it has. In turn, The Man reports that Yellow Tie is transferring the nerve gas to the semi, and CTU doesn't know it's been stolen yet. Which is not entirely accurate. As we know, the CTU does know, but the bad guys just don't know they know. Pleased, Walt says, "The only thing we have left to take care of is Bauer." The Man asks where Kiefer is now, and Walt says he's on his way to CTU. The Man doesn't like the sound of that, but Walt says he's got a guy inside who can help. "Then use him," The Man says. "Done," Walt says, and snaps his phone shut. Oh, no! They got to Tony again! Or maybe not. It's 11:12:22.
11:16:44. Curtis nervously watches a field rat-opsy, his guys run a scanner over the giant Igloo cooler, Kiefer rides to CTU, and Logan looks sad. We join a telephone conversation between Edgar and Curtis, who is reporting, "Two thousand parts per million. That can only be military grade." Edgar hangs up and trots over towards where Buchanan and McGill are conferring nearby. Chloe bitches at him to get back to work, but he just says, "Not now." "Since when do you say 'not now'?" Chloe demands. Um, now? But instead of using my razor-sharp zinger, Edgar blows right past her. Buchanan is offhandedly explaining to McGill how an airport hangar can go uninspected for a year and a half when Edgar joins them (Chloe tagging along) to report that Curtis's guys found trace amounts of nerve gas in the dead rats' blood -- gas whose concentration indicates weapons-grade. Now, that's just wasteful. When I had rats, I found that the much cheaper household-grade nerve gas worked just as well. The question remains as to where the nerve gas came from, since, as Buchanan points out, the military shitcanned its stockpiles of the stuff years ago. Riiiight. McGill wants Edgar to have the forensics guys try to determine who manufactured the gas if it wasn't the military, and Chloe to raise the alert level and recall everyone back to home base, including Curtis. Let's hope Curtis gets to ride inside the car this time.
Logan and Walt are doing their homework as they sit around a large conference table. Walt advises the Prez to keep FLOTUS's status out of the press for a few days so the headlines can kiss his ass for the stuff he managed to do right today. Logan, amazingly enough, thinks that's a good idea. When FLOTUS's doctor comes in, Logan jumps up and asks how she is. Walt stays sitting, because he doesn't watch The West Wing.The doc says she's sleeping, but he still hasn't figured out what could have caused the collapse. Just then the President's dog runs in, sniffs Walt's lap, and passes out. Actually, that doesn't happen, but that would have been much funnier than what actually does happen, which is Novick coming in to ask for a private moment with Logan and Walt. At 11:18:42, Logan boots the doctor out and sits back down at the conference table with Walt and Novick, the latter of whom carefully breaks the latest news: "One of the terrorists was posing as a hostage. He used the hostage crisis to cover a theft." He finally gets to the point, which is that a whole shitload of nerve gas is missing. Way to bury the lede, there, Mike. He says CTU is still trying to find out where the gas came from; all they know is that it was buried under a hangar at the airport. Logan asks what the terrorists are planning, and Novick uses a lot of unnecessary words to explain that nobody has any idea. Logan stands (alone, again) and drama-queens, "Whatever retaliation we were bracing for an hour ago is nothing compared to what these people are capable of doing now." I don't know what he's so worried about. His nerves are already for shit anyway.
On the CTU floor at 11:20:12, Spencer comes up to Chloe to ask what he wants her to work on . Bitchily even for her, she tells him to check the task list instead of bugging her when he needs something to do. Spencer leans in close and tells her, "I don't care if you are my boss, or if you regret sleeping with me last night. No one talks to me like that." ["Spencer's not really my thing, but that moment was kind of hot." -- Sars] And he was standing behind her, so he couldn't even see the hateful expressions she was making when she said it. Chloe looks at him for the first time and says, "Really? I just did." That shuts Spencer up good and he stomps off, pissy. I wonder if he has a plan for getting even.
While he's walking away, his cell phone/messaging device goes off. He checks it and keeps on walking, right past Edgar. Edgar stops what he's doing -- namely, standing around and holding a file folder as part of the ongoing fight against terrorism -- and waddles over to Chloe. I want to see a season of 24 in which Louis Lombardi goes on Atkins the first day of shooting. He just stands there in front of Chloe, staring at her blankly while she looks all shifty behind her monitor. There is much geeky what's-your-problem-I-don't-have-a-problem-ing, until we find out that Edgar is all hurt over Chloe's privacy issues. "Why didn't you tell me Jack was alive?" he whines. "It's called national security?" Chloe sarcastically non sequiturs. Edgar then brings up Spencer, and Chloe scoffs, "Gimme a break." For some reason, she interprets Edgar's blank reaction as one of hurt, so she gets all conciliatory and says, "Okay, when we find the nerve gas and the alert level drops, we'll have some chamomile tea and I'll tell you all my secrets, okay?" Oh, wait, that wasn't conciliatory at all. Even leaving aside her sarcastic tone, I have a feeling that she would react to chamomile tea the way the Wicked Witch of the West reacts to water. Edgar just turns and walks away, and Chloe tries hard not feel bad about how mean she just was. Which is odd, because not feeling bad about being mean usually comes so easily to her.
Spencer's gone into the server room to answer his page, and you'll never guess who's on the other end of the line: it's Walt. Well, you could knock me over with a Buick. How amazing that not only is the White House mole the only person it could possibly be, but so is the CTU mole. It's like the murder mystery Danny DeVito wrote in Throw Momma from the Train. Remember how it had two characters and one got killed? Same thing here. Walt asks Spencer if Kiefer has arrived at CTU yet. Spencer answers in the negative, so Walt gives him a job: "I need you to clear an entrance into CTU."
At 11:22:06, Audrey's just getting off the phone with someone at the Defense Department when McGill comes up and makes sure that she's up to speed on the nerve gas situation. Although she hasn't been on screen for the first twenty minutes of the episode, she's completely in the loop, and says she just informed the DoD. McGill explains that Diane and Derek have been brought in, and that he wants Audrey to find out what information Diane might have about the nerve gas. Audrey thinks that's as idiotic as I do. She scoffs, "What could she possibly know about that? And could this be a more transparent contrivance to get Kiefer's 'ex' and '' alone in a room together?" Or maybe she just says the first part. In reply, McGill says he now agrees that Kiefer was framed for the Palmer assassination. He also thinks that the framer is connected to the nerve gas thief, which means Diane could have had contact with the guilty party without knowing it. I'm thinking that if they build this investigation on everything Diane doesn't know, the bad guys could all be in lockup by the end of the episode. Audrey says she's not a trained interviewer (aw, but she did so well with her brother last season), but McGill insists that since Audrey knows Kiefer better than anyone there, she should be able to build a rapport with Diane. "I realize it's awkward," he says, "but I need you to do it." Audrey needs to say, "Fuck off, Rudy, I don't work for you." But instead she reluctantly agrees to the ridiculous request.
McGill thanks her and tells her that the Huxleys just cleared security. Audrey looks up and sees them wandering in, trailed by a Redshirt. She meets them, introduces herself, and sends Derek off to Medical to be checked out by a doctor. "It's just procedure," she assures Derek. Diane assures Derek it'll be fine. Obviously, Diane doesn't know anything about the CTU clinic. Derek allows himself to be led off by the Redshirt. Audrey stiffly leads Diane across the floor. Diane's amazed at her surroundings: "I had no idea [Kiefer] worked in a place like this," she marvels. "Did you know him before?" "Yes," Audrey says stiffly. "I knew him." Nothing to see here! Just go up the stairs! I'll be right behind you, checking out the ass on the competition! It's 11:24:07.
11:28:32. Yellow Tie rides shotgun in the semi, Logan tries to find the nerve gas using astral projection, and Chloe glowers at her computer monitor as though she hates it as much as she hates humans. Kiefer and his agent escort are finally arriving at CTU, and the worker drones all look up as he walks by on the other side of the glass wall. "A lot of people here thought you were dead until today," Chick Agent obviouses. Well, that was the plan, after all. Kiefer excuses himself to go straight over to the one person there who didn't think he was dead. "We wouldn't have made it out of that airport without your help," he tells Chloe warmly. "Thank you." Actually, it's just Derek who wouldn't have made it out, but why split hairs? Chloe actually manages a little smile as she says he's welcome. From a distance, Spencer observes this exchange with the certain knowledge that if Kiefer wanted a piece of Chloe action, then Spencer would be out in the cold. And just a note to the writers: that cheering sound you heard last season when Chloe got her hands on that assault rifle? Please don't try to reproduce that by putting her hands on Kiefer. McGill interrupts their little moment by appearing at Kiefer's elbow, introducing himself, and dismissing the agents who escorted Kiefer into the building. McGill informs Kiefer that he's no longer a suspect in Palmer's murder. "But while you're here, you will need this." And he hands Kiefer a visitor pass that gives him Level Two clearance. Wow, what a hard-ass McGill turned out to be, huh?
As they walk to the Situation Room, he brings Kiefer (and the viewers who were waiting until the end of Two and a Half Men before clicking over) up to speed on the latest, which, as you know, is that Curtis has discovered that Yellow Tie apparently stole some military-grade nerve gas. McGill says they're running the search operation from CTU, and looks uncomfortable when Kiefer sneers that they aren't going to find the nerve gas in time that way. What does Kiefer suggest, following the trail of dead rats? He insists, "The only way you're gonna get that nerve gas in time is if you find out who ordered the hit on David Palmer." First of all, I don't see how Kiefer can be so sure of how much time they have, since they have no idea what the bad guys plan to do with the gas in the first place, let alone when. Maybe they're just moving it to a different airport, for example. McGill appears to take a deep breath and steel himself to disagree with Kiefer. And then he firmly says, "I agree." He adds that he thinks Kiefer can help them intercept the stolen nerve gas by helping CTU figure out who framed him. And furthermore, he would like to give Kiefer a pony and a blowjob. I know I've complained as much as anybody about all the petty CTU infighting that's gone on in past seasons, but come on. We need a little conflict, or the terror plot's going to go too fast and we'll be all out of moles by Episode 6.
Buchanan arrives to join the little group, and he and Kiefer greet each other a little awkwardly. Buchanan tells McGill that the President wants the nerve gas story kept under wraps for now, and McGill scurries off to tell Division. Once Kiefer and his former boss are alone at 11:30:15, they shake hands and say it's good to see each other. Kiefer says he's sorry about Michelle, and that he never meant to endanger her. "Of course you didn't," Buchanan says, shocked that Kiefer thinks it even crossed his mind. Kiefer asks how Tony is, and Buchanan says that although Tony's still unconscious, he should pull through. Buchanan awkwardly broaches a new subject: "Audrey's been working for us." I knew Kiefer wouldn't hear about Audrey's presence until he showed up at CTU. Stupid Audrey. Kiefer is of course surprised to hear that Audrey's in the building. "She's debriefing Diane Huxley," Buchanan says. Kiefer goes a bit cringey at the thought of the two women in his life discussing him, let alone any debriefing going on. Instead of lunging for the nearest monitor with a security camera feed, he asks why that's happening. "Lynn asked her to," Buchanan "explains," like he thinks it's just as ridiculous as I do.
The debriefing is already in progress in an upper office, as Diane explains who she thought Kiefer was all this time. "You probably know more about him than I do," she understates to Audrey. Although that's a safe bet, Audrey just says flatly, "We all thought he was dead for the last year and a half." She gets a little backstory from Diane, learning that Kiefer's been renting a room from her for the last six months. Audrey seems a little surprised, if not relieved, to infer that "you don't have a personal relationship with him?" Diane gets a bit prickly, so Audrey explains that she just needs to know whether Kiefer confided in his landlady. Uh, I think we established in minute ten of the season that he doesn't, what with living under her roof under a false identity. Not so much with the confiding was Mr. Frank Flynn. Diane says she knew Kiefer had a secret, but never pushed it. He must have kept up with the rent, then. "I accepted him for who he was," Diane says, which is something no one would ever actually say because it serves no purpose. Aside from, of course, the purpose of stabbing Audrey in the heart with guilt at her failure to appreciate Kiefer's heroic qualities. Remember how she got all owly at him after he tortured and killed her husband? So touchy. Diane continues, unprompted, that Kiefer's secret past doesn't change her feelings for him. "He was good to me, he was good to my son. He meant a lot to is. He still does." Moment. Audrey clears her throat and asks if Kiefer ever had any visitors at Diane's place, or anyone who came asking about him. Diane answers in the negative, but Audrey's already tuned out. That's because behind Diane, through the glass wall of the office, Audrey can now see Kiefer outside the room staring back at her. Moment, moment, moment, moment. Diane turns to see Kiefer, noticing the long look that passes between him and her interviewer. She has plenty of time to get it, even if "it" were being delivered by carrier snail. Kiefer turns and walks away, and Audrey excuses herself. "Yeah," Diane says sadly, realizing she was just gushing about her pretend boyfriend to her pretend boyfriend's real ex. I hate when that happens.
Audrey catches up to Kiefer on the mezzanine for their big reunion, and now we see why Audrey's been wearing flats with her suit: it's because heels would have her towering over Kiefer, and that just wouldn't do. Kiefer whispers that he couldn't tell her he was still alive. "It was for your own protection," he says, which sounds pretty self-serving, until one takes into account the events of this morning. It seems pretty credible then. Audrey brushes that off, saying she spent all this time feeling bad that Kiefer died thinking that she hated him. Kiefer reminds him that he let her husband die, but she cuts him off in order to totally let him off the hook for that. Sars, are you drinking? ["…I llove you guysshh!!1!" -- Sars] Deeply moved, Kiefer thanks her. Audrey takes a step toward him and almost touches him, and who knows what would happen if only they hadn't been interrupted by a flunky. The interloper informs Kiefer that McGill wants to see him. Audrey emotionally takes her leave. Kiefer watches her go. "Nice shoes," he doesn't say.
11:34:37. Evelyn comes out of the FLOTUSuite, carrying an empty teacup and saucer. Walt is outside the room waiting for her, and he tells Evelyn to start packing up all of the FLOTUStuff, although he doesn't tell her what it's about or where FLOTUS is going. Great. I'm sure the First Lady will just assume that Evelyn is being proactive. Smooth, Walt. The president gives you one job...
Spencer's skulking around in the CTU server room, watching real-time surveillance coverage of Kiefer as he walks through the CTU corridors alone. I'm sure Kiefer hit the little agents' room somewhere along the way. Chloe comes in and finds Spencer there, but he shuts down the window before she sees what he's up to. So she asks what he's up to. He technobabbles an excuse, and returns the question, so she says she was looking for him. She technobabbles an excuse right back at him, but her covert agent skills haven't improved over the hiatus, so she blurts out an admission that she didn't mean anything by her harshness earlier. "Apology accepted," Spencer says, and that's all Chloe needs to get completely bunchy again. "It wasn't really an apology, it was more of an observation," she begins. But Spencer's heard enough, and he's outie. "Dammit, why do I do that?" Chloe berates herself. There's a whole thread about that very question, Chloe. Alone in the room, she decides to go over to the monitor Spencer was looking at, and logs in to see what he was up to. The only thing on the screen that means anything to me is a flashing flag saying that Spencer was logged in at security Level Five. Chloe marches right over to the nearest phone and bitchily demands that Edgar look up Spencer's security level. Wounded at Chloe's tone (although you'd think he'd have developed a callus by now), Edgar tells her it's Three. "Call Buchanan," Chloe snaps. "Tell him I need to talk to him now. It's important." Too bad Chloe doesn't have access to a phone, then.
11:37:12. At the CTU security entrance, a "computer maintenance guy" presents himself to the Redshirt manning the metal detector and X-ray machine. I say he's a "computer maintenance guy" because he looks like the only electronic equipment he knows how to operate, let alone fix, is the control panel on the elliptical trainer at the gym. The guard doesn't see the "computer maintenance guy" on the visitor manifest, and the "computer maintenance guy" looks a little nervous when the Redshirt picks up the phone to clear it with CTU's SysAdmin. Luckily for the "computer maintenance guy," he's rescued when Spencer shows up, calls him "Hank," and assures the Redshirt that the visitor's there at Spencer's request. The Redshirt hangs up the phone, and asks Hank to put his case on the conveyor belt and walk through the metal detector. Hank obeys, and for a moment we see what the guard sees in the X-ray display of the case: nothing but tools and parts, including more screwdrivers than FLOTUS at a Sunday brunch. As Spencer leads Hank through the security door into the building, he explains to Hank, "[Walt] told me it would be best to keep you off the manifest." I bet. And you know it's true, because it rhymes. Spencer leads Hank directly into the server room, and acts all Nervous-Nelly about the technobabble Hank's going to have to look out for in order to keep his sneaky activities from being flagged. "I got it," Hank says, and Spencer leaves him alone. Hank's already got his tool kit open, and is assembling some oddly shaped parts into -- a gun! With a silencer! Oh, no! He's going to kill the servers! It's 11:39:02.
11:43:25. FLOTUS naps in her PJs, Spencer looks nervous at his desk, and Buchanan and Chloe are waiting together in an interrogation room. That can't be good for Spencer. Evelyn goes into FLOTUS's bedroom and starts packing quietly. But it's not quietly enough for FLOTUS to sleep through. Evelyn tries to be cagey, but even in her drugged, groggy state, FLOTUS figures out that "Charles is having me committed." Evelyn just says she's sorry, but she doesn't know what it's about. "It's fine," FLOTUS says exhaustedly. "I'll get dressed." And she hauls herself off the bed and into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Evelyn wonders what she's going to do when FLOTUS comes out wearing a shower curtain as a dress.
CTU. Spencer is frustrated. He's typing and glowering at his computer monitor. He asks Edgar to unlock something for him, and Edgar just flatly says, "No." Spencer stands up to look around for Chloe, which is when a couple of Redshirts show up and tell Spencer that Buchanan wants to see him, stat. Spencer sits down and pleads busy-hood, but the Redshirts aren't having it. "Mr. Stiles has been authorized to take over your workload," one of them says. Spencer asks if Edgar knew about it. "I just got the bulletin. Sorry." Of course, you can totally tell he's not sorry at all. Schadenfreude has zero carbs, you know.
The Redshirts don't take Spencer to Buchanan's office -- or the Situation Room, or even Workstation Four, where McGill displaced Buchanan to when he took over the guy's office. No, instead, they herd Spencer into an interrogation room. This can't be good news. Buchanan and Chloe are already waiting inside, and Buchanan instructs Spencer to sit in the suspect's chair. Spencer complies. Buchanan and Chloe quickly get to the point, although it's a point shrouded in technobabble. The upshot is that they know that Spencer's been up to no good in the computer systems. Spencer pleads innocence, Buchanan looks angry, and Chloe looks angry and hurt and not even remotely horny. She quickly gets into the "bad cop" role, demanding of Spencer, "And while you're at it, why don't you explain why it was necessary to crawl into my bed, which certainly wasn't what it appeared to be, just like your work here isn't what it appeared to be?!" Chloe's bed isn't what it appears to be? What is it, a recharging cradle? That would explain a lot. Buchanan pulls her off before she can climb over the desk and down Spencer's neck, quietly asking her to let him handle it. And then Spencer pulls the dick move of implying that Chloe's accusations are motivated by a girly bout of emotional distress over Spencer's caddish behavior. "I don't think so, Spencer," Buchanan says, rather awesomely. Spencer shuts right down and says, "Sir, I'd like to talk to a lawyer." Buchanan says there ain't going to be no lawyers, and Spencer's going to tell them everything right now. No lawyers? Someone call Amnesty Global!
At 11:47:33, an apprehensive Logan arrives at the FLOTUSuite, with Walt and a couple of Secret Service agents, including Aaron, in tow. He asks Evelyn where his wife is, and Evelyn answers that FLOTUS is in the bathroom. Logan calls through the door and knocks, but there's no answer. So he barges right in, calling her name. That's always a bad idea when someone's been in the bathroom for ten minutes, if you ask me. But in this case, there's nothing there but a prescription bottle, lying on its side to the sink. Logan looks up, horrified, clearly remembering FLOTUS's preference for death over Vermont. He notices in the mirror that the opaque shower curtain is drawn. While potentially precious seconds tick by, he slowly wanders over to the curtains and sucks up the courage to thrust them aside. But there's nothing on the other side except a whole separate bath area and an empty chair. And the chair, in turn, is positioned under the open window. FLOTUS has flown. She has fled. She is FLEDUS. Logan says as much to Aaron, who immediately starts barking orders into his shirt cuff as he charges out of the room. Logan and Walt stare at each other in horror, no doubt thinking very different things. It's 11:48:48.
Commercials. Thanks, Cadillac, for adding all-wheel drive. But I would argue that people who drive towards each other that fast on a narrow, icy road full of blind curves deserve to die.
11:53:14. Yellow Tie and his driver ride in the front of the semi, Spencer cools his heels in interrogation, and Kiefer paces impatiently somewhere. We see that he's in a meeting with McGill, who's confirming that the only people who knew Kiefer was alive were Tony, Michelle, Palmer, and Chloe. "And at least one other person, who killed David Palmer and tried to frame me for it," Kiefer duhs. I still don't see why that can't still be only four people. I'm just saying. McGill asks Kiefer if he has any theories as to who the culprit might be. All Kiefer knows is that on the day he "died," he got a call from Palmer warning him that someone in Logan's administration had ordered Kiefer's death. "I believe that whoever tried to kill me eighteen months ago somehow found out I was still alive and waited until today to exploit that information." McGill is doubtful. "First of all," he begins, "that would mean that someone in this administration is tied to the theft of the nerve gas." "Yeah," Kiefer says, leaning in real close. "You're gonna have to look into that." Heh. McGill points out that any investigation of Logan's administration would take months, which they don't have. Kiefer is frustrated, but before he can tell McGill why he's wrong (and I'd actually like to hear that argument), the doctor at the CTU clinic rings in to announce that Tony is awake and is able to talk, albeit briefly. McGill says he's on his way, but the doctor says that Tony wants to talk to Kiefer first. "He's a friend of mine," Kiefer explains to McGill. McGill tells the speakerphone that Kiefer's on his way. Because he is.
It's 11:54:47 as Kiefer makes his hurried way through the CTU corridors towards the clinic. On the way, he runs into Derek, who's being escorted out of the medical section by a couple of Redshirts. Derek has something to say: he wants to apologize for having thought that Kiefer was "just another loser trying to take advantage of my mom." Kiefer tells Derek that Diane is lucky to have her son looking out for him. "As soon as this is over, I promise you that you and I are going to get a chance to sit down and talk." And then, presumably, make out. He shakes Derek's hand and again tells him to take care of his mom. I assume he's just going to keep repeating that until the kid finally gets the hint and shoots her in the face.
In the interrogation room, Buchanan is still leaning on Spencer, who has given up the innocent act in favor of the mysterious act. "I can't talk to anyone here about this," he explains. Buchanan and Chloe are getting frustrated, but they get a break when Edgar comes in toting a laptop. Or, in Edgar's case, a gut-top. Edgar shows Buchanan what Spencer's been up to. "Why are you tracking Jack Bauer?" Buchanan demands of Spencer. Spencer insists he's following orders, but he won't say whose. Buchanan sends Chloe to have Security find Kiefer now.
Kiefer enters Tony's hospital room, and introduces himself to the white-coated man near the door. The doctor reminds Kiefer to "keep it brief," and Kiefer thanks him. He crosses to Tony's bed, and it looks like Tony's fallen asleep again. Kiefer leans over his friend to try to rouse him gently. As he does so, he happens to glance up at the blank monitor over the bed. What he sees there is very worrisome. No, it's not a flat EKG. It's the reflection of the "doctor," reaching behind himself and pulling out a gun, which he points at Kiefer. Worst doctor ever! Without turning around, Kiefer gives the crash cart behind him a mighty kick, and it rolls into the doctor, who is of course actually Hank the "computer maintenance guy." While pushing the cart aside, "Dr." Hank misses his chance for a clean shot. Kiefer closes with him, getting inside his gun arm and pointing the weapon away from himself. And towards Tony, I would be remiss in not pointing out. Four rounds whistle through the air over Tony's bed before Kiefer twists Hank's arm around, smacks the gun down, and kicks it away. Now it's hand-to-hand, and it's quickly apparent that Hank is not only bigger than Kiefer, but stronger, faster and more vicious as well. He bounces Kiefer off the concrete wall, then stomps on his chest while he's down. There's a nasty crunch, and then they're down on the ground together, grappling at each other's throats. Hank reaches for a pair of surgical scissors near Kiefer's head, and as Kiefer turns to see what Hank's getting, he also spots the dead doctor, visible through the gap under Tony's bed. Physician, heal thyself. Hank finally gets his hand on the scissors, which he's slowly forcing towards Kiefer's throat. But through some application of Kiefer-fu, our hero manages to jab the point into the side of Hank's throat. Hank struggles and rolls over on his back, and Kiefer reaches out and smacks the blades further in, resulting in a gout of blood spilling from Hank's mouth. Ew. Yeah, that's one of those moments where the show earns its graphic violence warning. Kiefer sits back, his expression pained, and wraps an arm around his torso.
Just then, Buchanan rushes in with two Redshirts, who have their guns drawn. Thank God he made it in time, almost! He asks Kiefer if he's all right. "I think he cracked my rib," Kiefer says. Jeez, you whiner, Buchanan was just being polite. Although it will be interesting to see how Kiefer copes with his injury for the , oh, half-hour of this season. Buchanan asks about the body on the floor. Kiefer doesn't know who he is, "but he's a professional. He killed Dr. Paulson and he tried to kill me." He asks Buchanan how Hank could have gotten in, and Buchanan says they're working on cracking their mole right now. Kiefer orders a fresh doctor brought in to monitor Tony, and then he's off to carve off a chunk of Spencer his own self. As Buchanan follows, he orders the guard to call McGill and have him meet them in holding.
Split screen. Tony is still unconscious. Hey, I bet he never even woke up. Hank's not just a killer; he's insensitive. But it's a good thing Tony's at the CTU clinic instead of a hospital to prevent any further attempts on his life, right? Also: Spencer sits at his suspect's table, not knowing that he's about to be the buffet; Diane and Derek reunite in Audrey's office, with more hugs; Yellow Tie and his driver are still covering ground; Curtis arrives back at CTU at the head of his tactical army; and Audrey wonders whose head is left for her to fuck with.
11:58:44. Kiefer charges into the interrogation area's observation room, and changes the video feed on the nearest monitor to a live shot of sickbay. He has the guards open the door between interrogation and observation, and marches in to see Spencer. "I want to show you something. Get up," he says, hauling Spencer to his feet. The effort drives Kiefer's broken rib into a lung and he dies on the spot. Not really. Spencer allows himself to be led into observation, where he's brought face-to-dead-face with Hank's image on the monitor. Kiefer rages at Spencer, "This man is a professional assassin. He killed Dr. Paulson and he tried to kill me. Did you let him into CTU?" Spencer quavers that he thought Hank was just there to install an eavesdropping device into a server. "I was here as part of an Internal Affairs investigation," he claims. "Are you starting to understand how much trouble you are in?" Kiefer growls at him, and again asks Spencer who told him to let Hank in. "The White House," Spencer says, to Kiefer's shock. McGill has joined them as Spencer goes on to say that Walt recruited him after he started, to make sure that CTU was "operating within the rules." If Spencer knew anything at all about this place, he would have simply sent Walt two letters: N and O. "You have to believe me," Spencer sweats. "I thought I was serving the President." Kiefer looks like he believes the kid, but orders him taken back to holding. The guards comply. Once Kiefer's alone with the bosses, he pronounces, "Walt Cummings killed David Palmer. He tried to have me killed." Buchanan says they have to build a case before they can call the President. Kiefer isn't about calling: "He's here in California. We go see him now." McGill says that Walt is Logan's Chief of Staff, "and his friend." That's odd, because that used to be Novick's job. "Without any hard evidence, CTU can't touch him." Kiefer steps to McGill and growls, "I'm not CTU." Someone had better tell the Redshirts who keep obeying his orders. Kiefer blusters, "I'll go get Walt Cummings myself." The clock ticks over to 12:00:00 as, presumably, McGill has Kiefer put under arrest for sedition, making terrorist threats, and generally being a dumb-ass.