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This hour is all about how ImhoTerror is several moves ahead of everyone. A fighter pilot's philandering gets him killed, and also gets one of ImhoTerror's minions access to an Air Force base. Kiefer's guilt over Grayadder's shooting drives him to attempt a plan that will almost certainly get Kiefer killed if it goes wrong, which it does. And it doesn't look too good for his accomplice, TerrorMom, either. Although she's off-camera when she ostensibly gets shot, so there's hope. There's also hope for Grayadder, and of course DoDder's romantic vacillations during his surgery swallow up more air time. Looks like Kiefer's only hope with her is to get as nearly-killed as Grayadder is, which, given the fact that he ends up in ImhoTerror's clutches, might just work out for him. Oh, and Potato Face is back, more than filling the bitchface vacuum left by Special Agent Breck. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Welcome to the third quarter, traditionally the portion of a 24 season rife with dropped plot threads, narrative dead ends, and time-burning subplots while the writers try to stretch things out to the season's endgame. One way or another, we'll be in the fourth quarter in a few more weeks, so hang in there.
Previously on 24: It turned out that ImhoTerror was an employee of MacGuffin Factories, so the company set off a blackout-causing EMP and waged its own private war against Kiefer and Grayadder. You know, so as not to get in trouble. Our heroes survived the firefight with the help of a couple of walking public service announcements, but Grayadder got shot in the aftermath. Ever get shot in the aftermath? Hurts like a bitch. ImhoTerror's move involved a guy in an Air Force uniform and ominous references to the President. The following takes place between 8:00 PM and 9:00 PM.
We open on a lovely aerial shot of a CTU helicopter passing from among the darkened downtown skyscrapers into view of the lights of the rest of the city. Don't know how they did that, but it's cool. Kiefer's on board with Grayadder, telling him, "Stay with us, we're almost there." Aw, poor Kiefer. So worried about his boyfriend. Suddenly he remembers that there's a third person who might be interested in what's going on with Grayadder, and he pulls out his cell phone. I assume it's a new phone, since his old one must have been fried by the EMP that went off ten feet away from him. I realize that assumption is based upon the more unlikely assumption that someone at the show remembers that.
At CTU, DoDder takes a break from looking busy to answer her own phone. Her relief at Kiefer's well-being is short-lived as he tells her about what happened to Grayadder. She's clearly very upset, but she manages to hold it together long enough to demand, "How did this happen?" Ooh, she's pissed. She gave Kiefer one job and he blew it. To Kiefer's credit, he tells her the whole truth about how Grayadder pushed him aside and took the bullet meant for Kiefer. "He saved my life," Kiefer adds generously. Which is probably an exaggeration. I mean, Kiefer was the one in the bulletproof vest. It was actually a pretty stupid move on Grayadder's part. DoDder doesn't have much to say to Kiefer right now; she's too busy trying not to (a) cry, and (b) rip him a new one over the phone. Kiefer promises that they'll do whatever is necessary to save Grayadder. "I'm sorry," he finishes lamely. Instead of asking whether Kiefer's sorry Grayadder's hurt, or sorry he screwed up, or sorry he's in trouble, DoDder says she has to go. She sits there for a minute trying not to get all weepy, but she accomplishes that about as well as she accomplishes everything else.
Hey, you'll never guess who else is in the air: President Keeler. I know! He's talking on the phone to DaD at CTU -- just a regular phone call, no videoconferencing -- as DaD explains that ImhoTerror is the mastermind behind the day's events. Which I thought Keeler already knew, but we have an expositional quota to fill here. POTUS asks if any more attacks are planned, and DaD says that it looks that way and NSA is "sifting through the intel now." Keeler isn't satisfied. Rather than telling POTUS's pissy ass to take that up with, say, the National Security Advisor, DaD says they're also hoping to catch ImhoTerror using information from the coded document that Kiefer got from MacGuffin Factories. DaD's walking out of the building to meet the CTU medevac chopper as the convo proceeds. Keeler switches gears: "Today's events are continuing to generate an unprecedented level of fear. I'm not sure the social and civil fabric of this country can withstand another attack." Yeah, the folks at IDS Systems looked about ready to light out for the territories, didn't they? Way to be in touch from 35,000 feet, Keeler. Basically, Keeler is keen to declare martial law. Not that I can see how the United States of the 24-verse could be more of a police state than it already is, but I'm always ready to be surprised. By now, DaD is out in the parking lot with DoDder and a passel of other agents. Doesn't CTU have a rooftop helipad? I guess they have room in the parking lot since AIIIEEEE!sha's car blew up and cleared a few spots. It probably also helps that CTU doesn't have a regular night shift. POTUS tells DaD that a "General Wakefield" has just landed in L.A. to "discuss our options" with DaD, and will be calling him to set up a location to meet. Keeler wants to keep it quiet for now, and DaD, although a little nervous about Keeler's plan, agrees.
It's 8:05:27 as the helicopter comes in for a landing. CTU clinic docs rush out with a still-warm-from-Driskid gurney and offload Grayadder onto it. I'm pretty sure that's something that only happens on TV. My wife Trash used to work at a hospital, and there was one time where she went up to the roof to meet the helicopter. That's when she learned that in real life, you don't approach the chopper until the blades have stopped turning. She stood there mildly freaking out inside the door while doctors and nurses chatted calmly around her and someone inside a helicopter fifty feet away was patiently waiting to meet his new liver already. But Paul McCrane had to leave ER somehow, didn't he? Kiefer jumps off the helicopter right behind Grayadder. DoDder rushes straight to her husband's side without a glance at Kiefer, who's now just standing there helplessly under the whirling blades. She runs along to the gurney for a few seconds, trying to get her husband's attention (because really, this is all about her), before she gives up and stomps towards Kiefer. "I'm sorry," he says again. "Please tell me he's not going to die," DoDder sobs. All he can do is pull her into a hug and say they don't know. She pulls away and looks at him. He looks back, more upset than we've seen him all season. Certainly a lot sadder than when stupid DoDder was in danger of getting blowed up by a Tomahawk cruise missile, that's for damn sure. DaD grabs DoDder by the arm and they rush inside together, leaving Kiefer standing there by himself.
Just in time for Bitchelle and Soul Patch to run up to him. Bitchelle asks if he's all right, and he's not remotely surprised to see her. Of course he snaps, "I'm fine," in that pissy, defensive, "I wasn't crying" way. You won't believe this, but CTU has already decoded the encrypted document that Kiefer gave to Agent Castle less than ten minutes ago. Looks like I underestimated CTU's typists and cryptographers. They've pulled a name off the document that was on their watch lists, but they didn't know that the name was connected to ImhoTerror. They lead Kiefer inside to explain. It's just so ridiculous that everyone assumes that someone as tight-assed as ImhoTerror would store anything remotely incriminating on his work computer. A computer engineer, of all people, should know better. I think it would be awesome if all the drama of the last two hours over getting ImhoTerror's computer files yielded nothing but some company org charts and staff meeting minutes. That would just serve everyone right.
DoDder's following Grayadder's gurney through the hallway to the CTU clinic. The docs try to shake her off, but she insists on making them stop rolling the dying man to surgery so she can say, "I'm here, okay? And I will be here when you get out of surgery." DaD is standing there with a "great, here the fuck we go again" expression. Or maybe he's going for "concerned." Hard to tell. Grayadder peers up at his wife, his expression unreadable through the oxygen mask on his face. So I'm free to assume he's thinking, "Screw you, lady, I've got Kiefer now." He's finally pried from his wife's clutches so his life can be saved, and DoDder and DaD are left alone in the hallway. She hugs her father. Over her shoulder, his expression says, "So bored with this."
Soul Patch and Bitchelle are giving Kiefer a little AV presentation introducing him to the guy whose name turned up in the decoded file: a chemical engineering professor at "Green University." TerrorProf is played by the guy who played Afrim, the shitty screenwriter in Bowfinger. I probably wouldn't have recognized him if I hadn't coincidentally thinking about Bowfinger earlier in the day, for reasons that are too boring to get into (much as Bowfinger is). But I did, and now I realize that the third-largest defense contractor in the country effectively sacrificed what was left of its corporate reputation and the lives of several of its employees in order to protect the evil genius behind Chubby Rain. I feel safer already, don't you? Bitchelle says they're sending teams to pick up TerrorProf now, but Kiefer, naturally, says, "That's a mistake." Yeah, he's perfectly willing to stand around and shoot down other people's work, isn't he? What's his job at the DoD, anyway? Recapper? He knows that ImhoTerror only hires people who are willing to die before giving up info. Soul Patch is like, yeah, but you got a better idea? Kiefer doesn't for a second (see?), until he comes up with the idea of sending in someone undercover. Can't believe he had to think about that, his standard default plan. Soul Patch makes a "boy, did I ever not miss this shit from him" face as he points out that there's no time to set up cover for a CTU agent. But Kiefer's talking about TerrorMom. Bitchelle points out that TerrorMom already has her deal and isn't likely to help them more than she already has. Seriously, TerrorMom already helped them find ImhoTerror once. It's not her fault they fucked it up and let him get away. Kiefer just wants a few minutes to try to secure TerrorMom's assistance. In fact, if he can't bring her on board by the time the tactical teams are ready, they'll do it Bitchelle's way. But Kiefer spells it out: "We either find ImhoTerror, or we will not be able to stop what he's planning ." Bitchelle looks at Soul Patch, who looks back at her like, "Yeah, remember how no matter who was in charge around here, we really all just worked for Kiefer? Good times."
8:08:24. Turns out Poor Man's Eric Stoltz, in his Air Force uniform, is waiting for ImhoTerror in some back alley or parking lot. Not an airfield, in other words, as I thought last week. ImhoTerror steps into view and sets a small satchel down to Poor Man's Eric Stoltz, giving him directions to a nearby hotel. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz will need "his entire flight package, including clearance and identification codes." ImhoTerror says he'll get them, and both men leave. There are other random minions standing around too, but they don't do much else. Back alleys are becoming to ImhoTerror what the conference room is to CTU.
And hey, there's another Air Force uniform, but this one is empty and it's strewn across a hotel room bed, on top of a bedspread under which two people have just finished fucking. The man, whose passing resemblance to Poor Man's Eric Stoltz is almost certainly not accidental, starts to extricate himself from his partner. She's asking for more, but he says he's got to fly tonight. Some posters said that this would have been a good job for Naked Mandy, what with her history of literally screwing guys out of their identification who then end up dead. But of course having Mandy here would have totally given away what was about to happen. Much as I just did. Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz laments his lateness and his wrinkled uniform, but she sex-voices, "I wouldn't worry about that." In another second, he's got plenty else to worry about when a cell phone rings and she answers it, telling him it's his wife. On NotMandy's cell phone, no less. Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz answers as cheerily as possible, but it's even worse than he thinks: "They've got guns, John," his wife says. "They say they'll kill the children unless you do what they want." Well, at least he's not busted for cheating. Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz wants to talk to whomever's there with his family, but all we see is a black-gloved hand taking the receiver from Mrs. PMPMES and hanging it up. In the hotel room, PMPMES looks up from the dial tone to see that his lover is now dressed and holding a gun on him from across the room. "Put your clothes on, John," she sneers at him. But it still sounds all sex-voicy. She might only have the sex-voice to work with. Poor Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz. He went from just been fucked to just plain fucked in less than ninety seconds.
At CTU, Bitchelle warns Kiefer that he's got five minutes with TerrorMom before the tactical teams are ready to go. After that, his time runs out. Kiefer joins TerrorMom in the interrogation room at 8:10:42 while Bitchelle and Soul Patch watch from the observation room. Kiefer's got a digital Etch-a-Sketch with a picture of TerrorProf, which he sets down in front of TerrorMom. He asks if she knows TerrorProf. She claims she doesn't, despite TerrorProf's connection to ImhoTerror, since the boss doesn't allow communication between cells. Kiefer tells her who TerrorProf is, and that they need her help to get to ImhoTerror via TerrorProf. TerrorMom points out, "I've already gotten all I'm going to get for cooperating." Kiefer says that's not necessarily true, and switches the Etch-a-Sketch over to the TerrorTeen channel. "Unless you help us get to TerrorProf, that'll be the last time you see him for the rest of your life." Hey, Kiefer? I'd like to point out that I'm not helping you get to TerrorProf either.
In the observation room, Bitchelle gets the call from Curtis letting her know the tactical teams are ready. That was a short five minutes. Less than two, to be exact. Soul Patch wants to give Kiefer another minute.
Kiefer, meanwhile, is offering TerrorMom freedom and witness protection. Apparently he doesn't need the President's approval any more. "I'm offering you a life with your son. Right now the only question is, which life do you want?" She doesn't say anything. "We're out of time," he says, and gets up to leave. "What do you need me to do?" she asks, stopping him. That works on her every time. People should just walk out on her right at the beginning of negotiations and save a lot of effort. Kiefer says he wants her to go to TerrorProf and say she needs to see ImhoTerror. She says it won't work, but Kiefer says it will if she says she has a hostage. "A hostage?" TerrorMom asks in wide-eyed confusion. "Who?" "Me," Kiefer says, surprising no one. It's 8:13:24.
8:17:45. DoDder paces the floor outside the clinic, TerrorMom awaits her fate, and so does TerrorTeen. Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz, now in his uniform shirt and tie, asks NotMandy what's going on. She doesn't know and doesn't care; she just does her job (and her victims) and gets her checks. She hears a car pull up outside and turns her back on him long enough to peer through the venetian blinds. Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz takes the opportunity to try to rush her with the room service cart, but she beats him down and ends up on top of him, holding a table knife to his neck. Nice to see a member of the United States military getting spanked by a member of the International Sisterhood of Mercenary Hos. She threatens, "If you don't cooperate, your family will die. Do you understand?" There's a brisk knock on the hotel room door. NotMandy admits Poor Man's Eric Stoltz, who points his gun at his doppelganger and hands ImhoTerror's satchel to NotMandy. "It's all there," he tells her. "Now get out of here." She does. "Get your things," Poor Man's Eric Stoltz says. "You've got a plane to catch." By which he of course means, "You have a half hour to live." Whoops, did I just drop another spoiler?
8:19:12. Bitchelle has called a meeting at CTU to explain the plan to get to ImhoTerror via TerrorProf via UndercoverTerrorMom. Curtis points out that ImhoTerror already knows that TerrorMom's been nabbed. Bitchelle hands the floor over to Kiefer to explain the cover story, which goes thusly: Kiefer was transporting TerrorMom when his vehicle was attacked by surviving members of TerrorDad's cell at the intersection of Sepulveda and National an hour ago. I'm surprised they're using an intersection that actually exists, but I'm not surprised that it's one that throws my CTU triangulation project completely out of whack again by being way the hell down by Culver City and yet still less than ten minutes away. But back to the cover story: Kiefer killed or wounded all of the terrorists (believable), but TerrorMom was able to get a weapon and take him hostage (less believable). To sum up: "TerrorMom will take me to TerrorProf; hopefully he'll take me to ImhoTerror." Am I the only one who spots the flaw in the cover story? Namely, that it's predicated upon the supposed actions of people who work for the guy they're trying to fool? Whatever. Kiefer always gets stupid when he's feeling guilty, and this is no exception. As Kiefer and Soul Patch point out, they have to assume that Kiefer and TerrorMom will be searched, which means no tracking or homing devices on their persons. CTU agents will have to listen in from a distance using "satellite, parabolics, and laser aggregators." I assume this means "microphones." Curtis asks if TerrorMom will be able to pull it off. "Well," Kiefer snarks, "she's managed to live here in the United States for the past five years while part of a terrorist cell undetected. Yes. She's an expert at deception." "As long as she doesn't deceive us," Curtis says. Smart guy. Kiefer has no answer to that. Bitchelle says that since Kiefer's going to be in extreme and immediate danger, there is "zero tolerance for error." Kiefer wishes everyone (and by extension, himself) good luck as the meeting breaks up.
Bitchelle tells Curtis to head over to Division and head up the interrogation of the surviving MFers. So that's it for Curtis this week, I guess. Welcome to regular cast status, Roger Cross. Now get out. Soul Patch, in turn, stops Lispy Skip and instructs him to have the LAPD and CalTrans alter their logs to indicate that the fictional ambush took place. Lispy Skip asks for an exact time window, and Soul Patch, annoyed, tells him that they just said it was an hour ago. Skip defensives that he didn't know if there was new information (since ten seconds ago?) and Soul Patch accuses Skip of not having paid attention. He tells him that they can't afford for Skip to "lose focus." Skip bitches, "I'm sick of people talking to me like I don't know what I'm doing. Expecially [sic] people who don't really work here." He exits, and Bitchelle steps up, asking if there's a problem. Dude, you were standing right there. Soul Patch, fortunately, knows all about Skip's history with his mom, but he's worried that it's "catching up with them." Bitchelle asks if Skip is going to be able to handle the operation. Soul Patch doesn't. Bitchelle asks where Potato Face is. Of course Bitchelle doesn't know about Potato Face's dismissal, but here's a thought: it's almost 8:30 at night. Maybe she went home. Soul Patch also somehow has the whole scoop on why Potato Face is gone as well. I don't know when he had time to catch up on all the gossip. But someone had to, since Lispy Skip is now the only CTU employee in the building who's been there all day. Bitchelle thanks Soul Patch and goes out to the floor to call Potato Face at home.
Potato Face is doing what I'm sure passes for relaxing when you're her, looking at websites about DaD's kidnapping. She's surprised to hear from Bitchelle: "Are you calling from Division?" Bitchelle says she's at CTU, having been asked to step in for Driscoll. "She got fired?" Potato Face asks gleefully. "That's too bad." She asks Bitchelle to have Lispy Skip do some technobabble, and then Bitchelle says, "You're better at what you do than anyone I've ever worked with. I need you here." Potato Face thanks Bitchelle for the compliment, but says she's had enough. Bitchelle says it's for Kiefer, and explains about the operation that's about to get underway in which Kiefer's risking his life. Potato Face is finally prevailed upon to come in, thanks to her undying loyalty to the man who got her fired and let her friend get pounded flat while she watched. Bitchelle thanks her. "You're welcome," Potato Face lies, and hangs up with a mighty bitchface. Then she flops down on her ass as if she isn't going to be at CTU in another seven minutes.
8:23:27. Kiefer and Soul Patch pedeconference about how they're staging a fake ambush scene using cars and the bodies of terrorists that he and DaD shot at the TerrorDome earlier. Soul Patch warns Kiefer that if the bad guys decide to take Kiefer out without warning, there's nothing they can do. Kiefer understands. Duh, Soul Patch. That's why he's doing it. If Grayadder dies, Kiefer doesn't want to lie. Soul Patch suggests that Kiefer has time to say goodbye to DoDder before he goes. Kiefer says she has a lot on her mind, and declines. Soul Patch pushes, but Kiefer closes the discussion by saying, "She's been through enough today," and lets them into the room with TerrorMom.
TerrorMom has just been relieved of her shackles. Soul Patch wants to go over the cover story timeline, but she's not doing anything until she sees TerrorTeen. Kiefer says it's okay. He's in such a downer mood right now, worried about his gentleman friend. Kiefer halfheartedly admonishes TerrorMom about learning the cover story, then says she can see TerrorTeen, but only for a minute. They leave the room together.
TerrorTeen is cooling his heels in a cell as TerrorMom comes in. Kiefer hangs back in the doorway as the Terrors rush into each other's arms. She explains that everything is going to be okay, now that she's agreed to help CTU find ImhoTerror. "It's too dangerous," TerrorTeen protests fearfully. He begs her not to do it as she gets more and more get-a-room-y with him. Kiefer, clearly getting uncomfortable like the rest of us, tells her it's time to go. She makes out with her son some more, then walks out of the room slowly, smiling at him creepily over her shoulder. She even gives him a defiant little head toss. She doesn't look away from his weepy puss until she passes Kiefer in the doorway, who stares at TerrorTeen for a moment before shutting the door. Wow, I don't get what she sees in him, he thinks. It's 8:26:13, and TerrorTeen now has to spend the entire commercial break wiping slobber off of himself.
8:30:38. Lispy Skip stares at his computer screen, DaD bides his time outside the CTU clinic with his useless daughter, and Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz drives along nervously. Soul Patch tells Bitchelle that they've got long-range microphones directed at TerrorProf's house, so they should be able to hear all right. They share a flirty look before Bitchelle thanks him and they part ways. I wouldn't want to be the CTU employee sitting at the desk they're to when they inevitably decide to have hot make-up sex in the middle of the floor.
Lispy Skip is having some trouble with his technobabble, until Potato Face appears to him with some fresh technobabble. It's not surprising that she knows how to fix it, considering she's apparently developed the ability to teleport. She's also changed her clothes and her hair in the past seven minutes, presumably in the car. She probably should have taken the time to pick out some decent lipstick other than the lavender mess she's wearing now, though. Lispy Skip doesn't seem to happy to see her, so Potato Face smoothes things over by saying Bitchelle called her in because Lispy Skip couldn't handle himself. Way to defuse the tension there. Bitchelle swoops in to try to calm an increasingly offended Skip, but eventually has to pull rank in order to get him to accept the situation. Potato Face makes a smug older-sister face at him. How does she get through the day without somebody stomping on her foot or something? "Kiefer's approaching the staging area now," Bitchelle tells her happy staff, and steps away to put on her headset.
Her call goes through to a pair of plainclothes CTU agents sitting in a parked SUV. The agent who takes the call, a Poor Man's D. B. Sweeney, acknowledges the update and says he'll keep the line open. His partner is sadly not a poor man's Moira Kelly, but more like a Poor Man's Dan Hedaya. And wouldn't The Cutting Edge have been a different movie with that casting change? They point a parabolic microphone out the car window.
At about that time, 8:32:06 to be precise, the Kiefmobile pulls into position up the street with TerrorMom in the shotgun seat. She asks him, "We're going in alone?" Kiefer assures her that agents are listening in and demonstrates by saying, "Acknowledge that you hear me." Poor Man's D. B. Sweeney's partner flashes his headlights at them. "Copy that," Kiefer says, producing his knife. TerrorMom asks what he's doing. Kiefer explains that he has to make it look like he was hurt during the ambush, and sinks the knife blade into his own abdomen. Wow, he really is feeling guilty, isn't he? I don't remember any penitent acts of self-mutilation after he executed Chappelle last season. The lady to him with a fresh bullet wound in her arm watches in horror. We could have used this guy, she thinks. Kiefer cocks his gun and holds it out to her, saying, "This has to look as convincing as possible." She hesitates. "You must know that I want to kill you," she says. Kiefer does know that, but he also knows that she won't because of TerrorTeen. And you must know that that little exchange was entirely for your benefit. She takes the gun and they get out and walk across the street to Casa TerrorProf. Poor Man's D.B. Sweeney reports to CTU, and Bitchelle acknowledges. "What if TerrorProf doesn't believe us?" TerrorMom asks Kiefer. "Then we're both dead," Kiefer says.
TerrorProf is of course watching Fox News, the news network of choice for terrorists everywhere. Just so we're clear: Fox News viewer = terrorist. At the knock on the door, he mutes the TV and pulls a tiny little gun out of a junk drawer. Real threatening. Between the dinky weapon, his roly-poly figure, and the plaid Cosby sweater, he looks ripe for an ass-kicking from a Montessori teacher. TerrorMom and TerrorProf have a tensely whispered conversation through the door, where he's reluctant to let her in and she drops ImhoTerror's name and says she has a hostage to offer. "Now let me in before someone sees me," she hisses. TerrorProf opens the door and yanks Kiefer inside, telling TerrorMom to put down the gun she's holding. TerrorProf has Kiefer up against the wall. He searches him, finding nothing but the bloody wound, then pistol-whips him into (faked?) unconsciousness. Whatever. That gun's smaller than my stapler. He demands to know how TerrorMom found him. She says he heard of him through her husband. "I don't know your husband," he snaps. "He knew you," she insists. And randomly gave her TerrorProf's address, she expects him to believe. Rather than pursuing it, he says, "Tell me what happened." TerrorMom recites the cover story as the agents in the truck and everyone on the floor at CTU listens in. She tells him it was at the intersection of National and Sepulveda, "half a mile from here." An hour and a half ago. The cover story versions of Kiefer and TerrorMom don't move real fast, do they? TerrorProf picks up his phone and calls ImhoTerror, who's riding along in some shotgun seat somewhere. Once ImhoTerror hears what's up, he also wants to know how TerrorMom found TerrorProf. "She claims her husband told her," TerrorProf says. He tells ImhoTerror that TerrorMom wants to bring him a hostage, and gives Kiefer's name. ImhoTerror repeats it, intrigued. He knows Kiefer's name? I didn't think they'd been properly introduced. Cut to CTU, where Bitchelle is asking if it's possible to break into ImhoTerror's side of the conversation. Which it's not, even by Potato Face. TerrorProf relays the cover story to ImhoTerror while Kiefer lies on the floor with his eyes open so we know he's listening. "What do you want me to do?" TerrorProf asks. Briefest possible moment of suspense while CTU can't hear ImhoTerror's response, but it doesn't last long. "Bring him to me," we hear ImhoTerror say. "I'll call you back in five minutes with the details. Be ready. Do you understand?" TerrorProf understands. Understands what? That seemed pretty straightforward. But of course I don't speak terrorist. TerrorProf gets off the phone and tells TerrorMom, "ImhoTerror wants to see him." Everyone at CTU looks at each other nervously.
8:37:22. Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz drives his car up to the gates of an Air Force base. I'm assuming this is the Los Angeles Air Force Base in El Segundo. Not that I knew that any such place existed before I looked it up, but it appears to be the only one within quick driving distance of wherever Poor Man's Eric Stoltz met up with ImhoTerror, which has to be somewhere in L.A. I think Vandenburg and Edwards are probably too far away, even for this show. On the other hand, I'm not sure that Los Angeles AFB has actual airplanes, either, but everything's a tradeoff. The sergeant at the gate salutes PMPMES, then carefully examines his ID card while other guards look under the car with a mirror and flashlight. The sergeant asks PMPMES to pop the trunk. PMPMES wants to know when they started inspecting officers' cars, and the sergeant explains that there's an elevated threat level. They look in the trunk, which is empty. So is the back seat. He's waved through. Huh. I was sure he was smuggling Poor Man's Eric Stoltz in somehow. Duct-taped to the ceiling, maybe? Inside the base, PMPMES pulls over and somehow produces Poor Man's Eric Stoltz from under the back seat. Ah, must be a trick car with a hollow seat or something, provided by the terrorists for this very purpose. Not that that's explained very well. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz tells a walkie-talkie that he's on base, and ImhoTerror's voice responds, "Proceed as planned." PMPMES wants to talk to his family now. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz just orders him, at gunpoint, to go around behind the car and open the trunk. PMPMES does so, and again demands to talk to his family. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz has bad news: "Your family's dead. And so are you." With that, he puts a silenced bullet into PMPMES's gut and lets his limp body drop into the trunk. Wow, harsh. He removes PMPMES's dog tags and sticks them in his own pocket. And then he takes out a pair of clippers that he lets the camera get a nice long look at before reaching into the trunk with them. Too bad for AIIIEEEE!sha that she didn't think of that a few hours ago, huh? The clock comes up at 8:39:48 before the actual snipping takes place, but I swear you can hear it under the beep-boom anyway.
8:44:14. The folks at CTU wait for new developments, Kiefer looks uncomfortable in the back of TerrorProf’s car, and Keeler sits on Air Force One and looks forward to using all his fun new martial law powers. DoDder paces the floor outside the CTU clinic while DaD takes a much-needed nap. Or maybe he's just pretending to be asleep so he doesn't have to talk to her. I would. Yet another CTU doctor that we've never seen comes out of the operating room. He tells DoDder that Grayadder took one bullet in the chest and one in the abdomen. Right above the aftermath. I went back and checked the end of the last episode, and ambiguous editing leaves open the possibility that Old MFer got off more than one shot before Kiefer got him. Not that that explains why Old MFer didn't redirect his aim if that's the case. Anyway, now the surgeons have got one bullet out, but they're calling in a neurosurgeon from Cedars-Sinai to get the other one. I love that DaD's question isn't why they're calling in someone else (because the CTU clinic sucks and everyone knows it), but rather "Why a neurosurgeon?" The doc explains that the second bullet is lodged against one of Grayadder's vertebrae and they're worried about the risk of further spinal injury. Can we just pretend that we've already had the inevitable scene where DoDder weepily says to Kiefer of her quadriplegic husband, "He needs me"? No? Bleah. The doctor leaves with a promise to update them on any news. Bored, bored DaD goes to sit to his DoDder as she says she didn't realize how much she still cared about Grayadder until now. DaD says, "I know this is terrible timing, but the President called and I have to leave." Whatever. He was snoozing when the scene started and his phone hasn't gone off since. I just wants an excuse to bail, and I can't say I blame him. DoDder looks upset at the prospect of being alone, but DaD says he'll be reachable and up to speed on Grayadder's progress. "I'm proud to be your DaD," he lies, and takes his leave. It's 8:46:16.
TerrorMom is driving TerrorProf's TerrorTaurus while the car's owner sits in the shotgun seat, holding his teeny-weeny pistol to TerrorMom's side. "Where are you taking me?" Kiefer asks from the back. "Shut up," TerrorMom snaps at him, then looks at TerrorProf to gauge his reaction. TerrorProf doesn't look all that impressed. The CTU agents and office folk listen in on the conversation inside the car. The CTU big screen also has a real-time satellite view of the TerrorTaurus in motion. "You look nervous," TerrorMom observes. "I wouldn't have contacted you if I felt I had a choice," she says. "And as a result, I have no choice," he bitches. "We do whatever we have to for the cause," she says, "so what's the problem?" "There's no problem," he lies. Uh-huh. If Kiefer's radar were working properly, and not jammed by the fear of a life without Grayadder, he'd call this thing off right now. But instead, everyone watches as the TerrorTaurus turns off the road and heads into a tunnel. Bitchelle instructs Poor Man's D.B. Sweeney to hang back to avoid detection, and now they're out of parabolic mic range. Potato Face tells the room that the tunnel is 400 yards long and that the car will be out of satellite view for about 20 seconds. That sounds about right, assuming TerrorMom is going around forty MPH. Nice to see that someone on the writing staff bought a calculator. Inside the tunnel, there appears to be some sort of construction going on, with crews hard at work. Appears, I say, for it's all a clever ruse. That got set up in ten minutes. TerrorProf instructs TerrorMom to pull over in front of a construction truck. She does so, asking what's going on. A couple of guys in day-glo construction vests, hardhats, and masks approach the TerrorTaurus and bundle TerrorMom and Kiefer out. At the same time, another guy puts a silver briefcase in the car to TerrorProf, who's moved over behind the wheel. "From ImhoTerror," the man says of the briefcase. TerrorProf drives on. Kiefer and TerrorMom are loaded into the back of a white van at 8:48:44, and it drives off as well.
At CTU, Soul Patch says, "This is taking too long." And indeed, it's been almost a minute. Lispy Skip spots the TerrorTaurus exiting the tunnel on the satellite screen. On the ground, Poor Man's D. B. Sweeney and his partner resume the pursuit. The TerrorTaurus loops around on another street, which raises concerns at CTU that TerrorProf is driving in a circle. Soul Patch asks Potato Face to switch to an infrared satellite view. Potato Face quickly complies. The infrared view of the TerrorTaurus shows one bright blob of heat inside the car, which tells them that he's alone. It also tells me that TerrorProf's car has no engine or exhaust system, and that none of the surrounding cars do either. In fact, they don't even have drivers. But Bitchelle isn't worried about the Rapture now; she's more worried about the fact that the passengers have been offloaded in the tunnel. She announces that covert time is over and instructs Poor Man's D.B. Sweeney and the other teams to move in on the TerrorTaurus, as well as set up a perimeter around the tunnel to stop and search all exiting vehicles. Soul Patch tells Potato Face to look back at minute-old satellite footage to see what happened, but it's going to take her a few minutes to pull up. In the meantime, the TerrorTaurus is being cut off on a bridge. It comes to a stop, surrounded. Agents get out of their cars and move in, ordering TerrorProf out of the car. But he's just sitting there, holding a small device in his hand and making a martyr face. Clearly, he's just waiting for as many guys as possible to get close enough to be killed by the bomb in the silver briefcase to him. Which he triggers. CTU agents go flying.
At first I was like, "Dude, that guy killed himself so ImhoTerror could meet his hostage?" But then I realized that they know CTU is onto TerrorProf, so he would have been brought in for questioning either way. I guess this means no Chubby Rain II: The Chubbening.
At CTU, the image of the bridge on the big screen shows a fireball where the TerrorTaurus used to be. Quiet consternation reigns on the floor as the frame a couple of seconds later shows a black cloud of smoke. "ImhoTerror set us up," Bitchelle says. Um, no, he didn't. He saw right through Kiefer's dumb-ass plan to get to him, just as I could have told you he would. It's 8:50:37.
8:55:02. The TerrorTaurus burns, TerrorTeen frets, and Bitchelle and Potato Face are back together again. A CTU agent rolls over Poor Man's D.B. Sweeney and calls Soul Patch to report the agent's death, as well as that of TerrorProf. Yeah, that's the guy I want as my backup in a dicey operation: the guy who waits for five minutes after I've been blown up to bother finding out if I'm dead. He asks if there's any sign of Kiefer yet. Soul Patch says there isn't, and he promises a new backup team ASAP. I think of that line in Die Hard: "We're going to need some new FBI guys." Meanwhile, Soul Patch is approaching Potato Face's computer, where Bitchelle is instructing her to play back the footage she pulled up from a few minutes ago. Lucky for them, only three vehicles left the tunnel during the time the TerrorTaurus was inside. Soul Patch tells her to focus on the big white van. She can't get a license number from the satellite, but she can using footage from the traffic camera inside the tunnel. Why they didn't catch the switch on the traffic cams in real time is beyond me, but whatever. In any case, Potato Face is able to magically magnify and enhance the image of the van enough to read the license plate, but not before putting out my eye with her grinning, pointy teeth. At Bitchelle's order, Soul Patch calls in the van's ID.
At that moment, 8:56:22, the van is pulling into yet another dark alley. A hooded Kiefer and TerrorMom are hauled out and dragged into what might be an abandoned warehouse. As ImhoTerror steps into view, holding a gun, TerrorMom is unhooded and Kiefer is forced to his knees. ImhoTerror yanks off Kiefer's hood. "You've caused me a lot of trouble," he says, and placekicks Kiefer across the chin. Ow. Careful, ImhoTerror. You'll give him a lip. As ImhoTerror unties TerrorMom's hands, he expresses his sympathy about TerrorDad. "He was a great man," he says. He apologizes for the rough treatment she received. TerrorMom says she understands, but they weren't followed. "You're a good liar," ImhoTerror says. TerrorMom plays dumb. ImhoTerror continues, "TerrorProf martyred himself. The men who were following you are dead." "What men?" TerrorMom innocents. "Enough with the lies!" he shouts, shoving his gun barrel in her face. She looks him in the eye and calmly denies betraying him. He cocks the gun. She doesn't flinch. ImhoTerror looks at Kiefer, lying on the ground with a puddle of blood to his mouth. "Prove it to me," ImhoTerror says, reversing the gun and holding it out to TerrorMom butt-first. "Kill him." Ah, so the gun is empty. He was threatening her with an empty gun, you see. Interesting. TerrorMom treats ImhoTerror to one of her creepy-ass smiles and slowly takes the empty gun. She strokes it erotically as she moves over to Kiefer, who is dragged back up to a kneeling position. She holds the empty gun to his head while Kiefer waits, eyes closed, pretending he doesn't know the gun is empty. Then she whips the empty gun up to point it at ImhoTerror and dry-fires it. D'oh! She's been in this country five years and never bothered to catch In the Line of Fire on cable? Sloppy. "Just what I thought," ImhoTerror says smugly. Yeah, just what we all thought. Oh, he means TerrorMom falling for it. I didn't think that. Never mind. Kiefer and TerrorMom share a horrified look: TerrorMom because she fucked up, and Kiefer because he can't believe she fell for this. At least I assume that's what she's thinking, since he had to do the exact same thing to Special Agent Charlie Brown last season. People, listen: nobody who mistrusts you is going to give you a loaded gun for you to prove your loyalty with. It's just not going to happen.
ImhoTerror takes the empty gun and says, "Get him out of here." Kiefer is hauled away by two goons. ImhoTerror nods at another one, who drags TerrorMom through a doorway and fires two shots at where we assume she's standing, even though we don't see her die. This of course triggered all manner of debate on the boards as to whether TerrorMom is actually dead. There were good arguments on both sides -- you don't kill a major character off-screen like that, versus there's no reason for her not to have been killed -- but I think it just comes down to the writers not yet knowing themselves and wanting to keep their options open. Makes for compelling drama, let me tell you. Of course, he might have just shot her in the other arm to sort of even things out.
ImhoTerror follows Kiefer and his little party off into a splitscreen, which also includes a worried-looking TerrorTeen, as well as a worried-looking DoDder who steps up to meet an approaching doctor, who in turn blows right by her without a word. Heh. Smart doctor. Keeler worries on Air Force One, his hair darker than ever; and Kiefer looks worried as he's loaded into an SUV. As do Bitchelle, Soul Patch, and Potato Face at CTU, because they figure that eventually there's going to be an uprising when people figure out the place is being run by people who don't work there anymore.
Poor Man's Eric Stoltz enters the Air Force base building, satchel in hand. A solider in fatigues salutes him. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz returns the salute, poorly. He steps over to a doorway and swipes a card through a slot. Then he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gory handkerchief which he hides from the guard with his body. He unwraps the little Blair Witch parcel to reveal Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's severed thumb, which he presses against a sensor. The door unlocks. I note that this week's commercials did not include that one for the IBM laptop with a built-in fingerprint reader. Good call, IBM. And here's the shocking, end-of-episode revelation: Poor Man's Eric Stoltz enters a hangar containing a fighter plane. You mean that the guy in an Air Force uniform who works for ImhoTerror kidnapped, murdered, and impersonated an Air Force pilot in order to gain access to an aircraft? The hell you say! It's 9:00:00. And that's it. Worst final act of the season so far, if you ask me. Which, implicitly, you sort of did.
week on 24: Looks like Kiefer gets shot during a prisoner exchange for TerrorTeen. Unless the promo is misleading. You don't think that's the case, do you?