Day Four: 2:00 PM -- 3:00 PM

You know, there actually is a nuclear power plant on the border between Minnesota and Wisconsin, but it's quite a bit further south than CTU's map indicates. It's just a couple of miles from a big Native American casino, in fact. I was in one of that casino's hotel rooms once, and on the table was a card explaining what guests should do in the event of an meltdown up the road. Not the most "relax and make yourself at home" message I could have imagined.

Previously on 24: The TerrorFamily spent all their time running from/squealing on/accusing/threatening/trying to save/shooting/ditching each other. Lispy Skip hacked into the MacGuffin and shut down all but six of the nation's nuclear reactors. AIIIEEEE!sha told TerrorGringo where Kiefer and DoDder were, and he told her to divert suspicion (she gets a freeze-frame, by the way, so she's in trouble). Kiefer explained to DoDder about the MacGuffin, and about how TerrorGringo was their only lead. She found TerrorGringo on archived security footage, but Kiefer realized there was a mole at CTU when hit men came to take them out. And they would have succeeded, too, if it hadn't been for that meddling Soul Patch. The following takes place between 2:00 PM and 3:00 PM.

Driscoll and Curtis pedeconference through CTU as Curtis confirms that the remaining six plants aren't just taking longer to shut down. Although it would have been funny to have a big cliffhanger ending one week and come back the all, "Oh, it's fine after all. Never mind." It seems the MacGuffin has total control over them. Which is confusing to me, because I thought Skip had gained control of the MacGuffin, but whatever. It's not like the same person writes every episode. I hope. I'm also starting to have trouble believing that the reactor crews can't manually regain control of their plants from someone who's operating them by remote control. At least start unplugging T1 lines or send in a couple of guys in to hose down the core instead of just sitting there waiting to get cooked. DaD joins Curtis and Driscoll and they discuss evacuation procedures on their way into the conference room, where they're taking a meeting with the President of the United States of Exposition. DaD explains to Keeler (still aloft, in case you're wondering) that six of the nuclear plants can't be shut down, which means they could be looking at six nuclear disasters. Keeler asks for casualty estimates, taking a moment to remember the phrase "melt down." Must be jetlag. Curtis has no good news for him; just big numbers. Keeler asks why they could shut down 98 plants but not the other six. Ingrate. Driscoll explains that the other six are being controlled by the terrorists, using the MacGuffin. She also remembers to mention that since the MacGuffin is a prototype, it's the only one in the world. Glad someone thought to plug that plot hole before I spotted it. Doesn't explain why the prototype works so perfectly, though. "All right, then, let's find [the MacGuffin]," Keeler says. He adds that he's going to order the evacuation of the six cities, and disconnects, presumably so he can tell his pilot to start flying really low and keep an eye out for the MacGuffin: "Colonel, it's about yay big and it's -- look out for that light pole!"

As the meeting ends, DaD's cell phone rings. It's Kiefer, asking that DaD not let anyone know it's him. "HELLO, SOMEONE OTHER THAN KIEFER," DaD says, and excuses himself. Out in what passes for a quiet spot at CTU, he asks Kiefer what's going on. Kiefer, sitting in the back seat of the Patchmobile behind a quietly weepy DoDder, wisely opens with the news that he and DoDder are safe, but since someone came after them at Felsted Security, Kiefer thinks that someone at CTU is leaking info. DaD wants to send a Secret Service detail to pick up Kiefer and DoDder, but Kiefer doesn't want anyone to know where they are. Even people whose first name is "Secret"? Now that's paranoid. Kiefer says he wants DaD to try something that has to do with a "Melbourne situation." DaD agrees and hangs up.

In the Patchmobile, Kiefer reaches forward to put a hand on DoDder's shoulder, and asks if she's okay. "I'm almost getting used to this," she manages. "Yeah," Kiefer says, failing to add, "That'll happen when you're around me." After Kiefer has Soul Patch confirm that they're not being followed, he tells DoDder they "need to lay low for a while." Soul Patch says they can go back to Casa Patch. Which must be close, considering how quickly he got to Felsted Security last week. Kiefer thanks Soul Patch. "Wait till you see it before you thank me," Soul Patch cracks. Kiefer, of course, means the lifesaving thing. Soul Patch doesn't have anything to say to that. "I'm sure you're wondering what's going on," Kiefer begins. "Not really, no," Soul Patch interrupts. "Something wrong?" Kiefer says testily. He's not used to people wanting him to talk less. "What could be wrong?" Soul Patch says. "I'm not in federal prison any more, thanks to you and President Palmer. Bitchelle left me. I --" Which is as far as he gets in his little backstory pity party before interrupting himself to ask what's up after all. Kiefer explains to Soul Patch and the new viewers about the kidnapping and the main plot and what they were doing at Felsted Security in the first place. Soul Patch is like, "I thought you weren't in the field any more." Kiefer admits that he wasn't, but since DaD is his responsibility, he "got caught up in it." Soul Patch, on the other hand, doesn't want to get caught up in shit. "Understood," says Kiefer, giving Soul Patch the look Luke gave Han Solo before flying off to attack the Death Star.

CTU's big screen is playing a live address from President Keeler at 2:06:36. Everyone's watching him instead of working. Turn that thing off, Driscoll! There's a nuclear threat going on and your people are sitting around and staring at the idiot box. Keeler explains to the populace about how six nuclear power plants "may become unstable." They're working on the problem, but in the meantime the National Guard is going to be helping with an evacuation of the six cities in question. Must be nice to have the National Guard around for that kind of thing. As opposed to, you know, somewhere else in the world. Curtis cuts in to murmur to Driscoll that POTUS left out the fact that there's no time for a complete evacuation, and that meltdowns will cause at least 50,000 deaths per city. Driscoll says they still have time to figure out how to prevent the meltdowns. Curtis Gloomy Gusses that the "chances of doing that from here are very low." Well, sure, if everyone's glued to the boob tube. "We have to find the people who have the MacGuffin," Curtis finishes. I think the theme for the episode is pretty well set up now, Curtis. Have a seat.

At the otherwise empty restaurant that serves as ImhoTerror's ImHeadquarters, TerrorDad is sitting at the bar and talking on the phone to someone who's checking hospitals for him. No dice. The swarthy guy standing to him says that there was no answer at TerrorAunt's house, and TerrorDad shoos him away to check the train station again. ImhoTerror comes up to TerrorDad and announces that all of the reactors have been shut down except six. He still thinks that's "more than enough to break their will." That's probably true. September 11 broke our will, after all. Now it keeps going off in all these random directions. I'd say that qualifies as broken. ImhoTerror continues that he's going to have to run the MacGuffin personally to make sure the remaining six reactors melt down "on schedule." On schedule? How anal is this guy? What'll happen if one of them melts down ten minutes late? A fallout cloud will miss the 5:17 to Schenectady? TerrorDad asks what he can do to help, but ImhoTerror just wants TerrorDad to "take care of your mess." TerrorDad says, "Don't worry, ImhoTerror. I give you my word: my wife and son will be dead by the end of this day." Talk about putting work before your family. If you're making promises like that, it may be time to reassess whether you're really on the side of good after all. ImhoTerror stares at him unimpressed for a moment, then walks away.

Of course, TerrorDad is probably right about what's going to happen to his family, but since their lives are in TerrorTeen's hands, TerrorDad won't necessarily have anything to do with it. Right now, TerrorMom and TerrorTeen are arguing about going to a hospital. "He tried to kill me and then he did this to you.," TerrorTeen says. "He is not my father any more." So he and TerrorDad agree on that, at least. TerrorMom's just now getting around to tying a scarf around her bloody arm. He gets her to agree to let him drop her off at an emergency room and then drive away, but he insists that "whatever happens, we're staying together." I guess all is forgiven with that whole girlfriend-poisoning unpleasantness. That was hours ago, after all. Nice to see he doesn't carry a grudge. Maybe he and TerrorDad can reconcile by dinnertime.

2:09:10. AIIIEEEE!sha asks a random extra to cover for her for a few minutes, because even though it's her first day she already knows everyone well enough to ask them for favors. She heads to the ladies' and checks all the stalls before pulling out her cell phone. When TerrorGringo answers his own cell, she explains that she missed his call earlier because "I was in a meeting." TerrorGringo, who's carrying a black canvas bag and walking briskly through what looks like an office park, breaks the news that Kiefer and DoDder are still alive. They both agree that that's not AIIIEEEE!sha's fault: "The location was correct but they survived the attack. They're headed back to CTU." AIIIEEEE!sha thinks not so much. TerrorGringo is confused that Kiefer hasn't called in, but AIIIEEEE!sha realizes what it means: Kiefer knows there's a leak, which means AIIIEEEE!sha wants out. TerrorGringo says she has to hang out "until we take care of" Kiefer and DoDder. I don't know why that is, and TerrorGringo doesn't explain. AIIIEEEE!sha's worried about going to jail, but TerrorGringo, having reached his car, "reassures" her: "You'll be taken care of. You know that. Now go." TerrorGringo hangs up. AIIIEEEE!sha stands there holding her phone, thinking, "Taken care of." Now where else have I heard that expression recently? Special Agent Breck busts in on her reverie, acting all pissy about something that AIIIEEEE!sha's supposed to be doing and then storming out. Divert suspicion, AIIIEEEE!sha thinks.

DaD's working in an office somewhere at CTU when Curtis knocks on the door to announce that his assistant, Scott Borman, has arrived. "Good to see you safe and sound, sir," the guy smarms when he comes into the room. He looks like a skinnier version of Walt from The Dead Zone, but there's no way I'm calling him Poor Man's Chris Bruno because that's too obscure even for me. Ain't nobody that poor. Anyway, now that Curtis has left, DaD sits his assistant down to explain about the mole. He wants Scott to go to Driscoll with the "news" that Kiefer and DoDder have left Felsted Security and are watching surveillance videos at "the old CTU substation in Torrance," and they'll call in after DoDder makes her ID. "I take it Kiefer and DoDder are nowhere near the CTU substation?" Scott says. DaD confirms that he's trying to "flush out the mole." "Then you'll need me to put a DoD Comsat envelope around this place." DaD pretends Scott's not already a step ahead of him, saying, "If anyone sends a communication containing the information you planted, that's the spy." "Duh," Scott doesn't say. DaD needs an assistant for this? I don't know why he can't plant his own damn bogus information. The real SecDef does. It's 2:11:48.

Commercials, including some guy standing in front of the downtown L.A. skyline. He says, "Hi, my name is Kiefer Sutherland." Huh. Wouldn't have known that. The real Kiefer would like us to know that "the American Muslim community stands firmly beside their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism. So when watching 24, please bear that in mind." Unless you want to wind up on the internet in an orange jumpsuit, he doesn't conclude.

2:16:13. DoDder and Kiefer are still en route back to Casa Patch, a trip that's taking twice as long as Soul Patch's arrival last week. A lot of people on the boards complained about how unlikely it was that Soul Patch arrived within seven minutes of Kiefer's call, but I was reserving judgement until I saw how far away he lived. Yahoo! Maps says North Hollywood (for that is where Soul Patch lives these days) is only ten minutes from Burbank, so it's theoretically possible that Soul Patch could have made it by speeding, running red lights, and ignoring stop signs. Given what we learn later, I think it's more surprising that he didn't shoot his way into the place wearing his bathrobe. Oh, yeah, the rest of the split screen: TerrorDad is still working the phone, and AIIIEEEE!sha is working a thumbnail. The Patchmobile pulls up to a curb and everyone hops out. Everyone except DoDder, I mean, who waits for Kiefer to open the door for her. This isn't a date, lady. You think Kiefer takes all his girlfriends to shootouts? Actually, don't answer that. We're not in an especially fancy neighborhood, and as Soul Patch leads them up to the front door he warns, "Watch your step. The dog door likes our lawn." That metaphor would have worked better in the third season.

Soul Patch lets them into the house, and Kiefer starts checking behind doors. Rude, much? A dark-haired woman comes out of a room behind Kiefer, and he's got his gun out and in her face before she can react. Bad guest! Bad! The woman starts to freak. Soul Patch steps up to defuse the situation, introducing the woman as "my friend, Jen." As if we're going to even consider calling her anything other than Skank of Soul Patch. Kiefer holsters his weapon and apologizes to everyone. Soul Patch thought SoSP was working, and she says she decided to go in late. Which I guess explains why Soul Patch didn't warn Kiefer that some random chick was going to come bursting out at him any second. SoSP recognizes DoDder from the news, with which she is surprisingly up to date considering the outfit and the amount of eye makeup she's wearing. She wants to know what's going on, and she's not being especially pleasant about it. I'll cut her a little slack, since Kiefer didn't make the best first impression. "We need to use Soul Patch's computer," he explains. "What, they don't have computers where you work?" SoSP bitches. Soul Patch says they just need to lie low for a while. "Whatever," SoSP says. "I'm leaving anyway." Kiefer calls Soul Patch's name, backing up in front of SoSP while blocking her route to the door. Soul Patch says that she can't leave. "Why not?" she wants to know. Because they're all so enchanted by your beguiling company? Soul Patch and Kiefer try to explain that nobody can know where Kiefer and DoDder are and they can't take the chance of SoSP leaving. "What chance?" she demands. "I work at a bar." Color me flabbergasted. Kiefer promises they won't be long. "Stay as long as you want," she snaps. "I have a job. He doesn't." Soul Patch looks at her, wondering exactly what that was meant to be apropos of. You hear that zipping sound? That was the sound of SoSP using up the last of the slack I cut her. DoDder steps in and takes SoSP aside for a second of girl talk. Soul Patch apologizes to Kiefer. "No, she seems real sweet," Kiefer deadpans. Heh.

Over on the other side of the room, DoDder is stating her case to SoSP, finishing up with, "Now, I'm sure when this is all over, your boss will understand." "And if he doesn't?" SoSP asks. With no change in tone or expression, DoDder says, "I can have him killed." Hee. SoSP stares for a second, then the women share a smile as SoSP realizes she's being messed with a little. But the ice is broken. "Knock yourself out," SoSP says, and goes back to her room. About time DoDder made herself useful to someone who wasn't a terrorist.

Kiefer's already at the computer (which offends even my vestigial sense of feng shui by sitting on a desk in the middle of the living room), looking at a screen full of text. Must be the raw code from the memory stick, which he's already jammed into a port on Soul Patch's computer. "I just have to convert this so I can read it." So much for plug and play. But Soul Patch "has some software for that. Let me dig it out." Well, isn't that handy? Now that Soul Patch is ten feet away and thus on the other side of television's conversational sound barrier, Kiefer and DoDder can have a whispered confab about Soul Patch's backstory. Kiefer explains that Bitchelle left Soul Patch a couple of months after he got out of prison. DoDder echoes the boards by saying, "I thought he went to prison because of her. He saved her life and she paid him back by leaving?" Kiefer says that Soul Patch sees it that way too. But since Kiefer is briefly acting as a third-person omniscient narrator, he's able to explain that Soul Patch was angry when he got out of prison, couldn't find a job ("personally, I don't think he wanted one," he judges), and started drinking. The moral: "He pushed her away." DoDder asks what Bitchelle is up to now, and Kiefer says she's a Deputy Director at Division. That sounds like we'll be seeing her this season, which I am of course entirely in favor of. Soul Patch comes back with a CD-ROM, which Kiefer slips into the drive. A couple of screens pop up. "We're in," he says. I don't understand anything that happens on a single computer on this show.