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Previously on 24: Kiefer rescued DaD and DoDder from the TerrorDome, which is sad for people who only get to see that excellent sequence during these previouslies. DoDder had recognized someone at the TerrorDome, but couldn't place him. DaD wanted DiCK to spill his guts. TerrorTeen found out that TerrorDad ordered his death, so he spilled Wahabist Wolf's brains. Driscoll brought the schizophrenic DrisKid to the CTU clinic. DoDder's soon-to-be-ex-husband Grayadder wanted to get back together, and looked thrown when she said she was "seeing someone" and introduced him to Kiefer. CTU found out that the bad guys were in possession of a nuclear reactor remote control from MacGuffin Factories, and AIIIEEEE!sha reported CTU's clued-in-ness to someone over the phone. The following takes place between 1:00 PM and 2:00 PM.
Kiefer approaches DoDder, who's still at the CTU computer where he left her. He spent the previouslies on the phone with the private security company that has the tapes of the event where DoDder first met TerrorGringo, but since it's on a "closed system," Kiefer has to fetch the tapes for DoDder to view, because TerrorGringo is their "only lead." And Keifer is L.A.'s only licensed driver, I guess. They can't have the tapes couriered over? By commuter train or something? Meanwhile, DoDder is having the guest list emailed to her. She wonders why Kiefer seems to be in such a big fat hurry, and he tells her that her kidnapping was a diversion. Flattering. He explains about the MacGuffin and how it's being used for a remote attack on 104 nuclear power plants. And it looks like the terrorists aren't even threatening to melt down 104 cores unless certain demands are met; they're already working on it. Those guys don't fuck around. As he lays this all out for DoDder and the new viewers, DoDder walks with Kiefer to the checkout counter, where he picks up a "full tactical." That's a silver briefcase, in case you were wondering what tactical looks like when it's a noun. DoDder wants to go to the security company with Kiefer to save time. He doesn't want to put her at risk again, but he reluctantly sees her point.
Curtis is holding a briefing whose centerpiece is a map of the continental United States, with its 104 nuclear reactors represented by red blips. DaD is in on the briefing, and now that he's got some stubble to go with his preexisting sartorial and tonsorial disarray, he's looking like he just woke up from a three-day bender during the closing credits of Trading Spouses. With an assist from Lispy Skip, Curtis explains how 104 meltdowns will be very very bad. At a conservative estimate, a minimum of 75,000 people near each plant will be heavily dosed with radiation and die within two days. I don't think they're accounting for the areas with plants clustered close together. After all, you could be near two or three nukes and you'll still only croak once. But Curtis figures 7.8 million will be lethally microwaved, with the added bonus that the area within thirty miles of each plant will be uninhabitable for at least five years. Not sure why all of the terrorists want to hang around for that, but then they always do on this show, don't they? AIIIEEEE!sha asks about the plants' fail-safe systems, but apparently the MacGuffin has already deactivated them. How conveeenient. So the big question is how much time they have left. Curtis estimates three hours from now, during February sweeps. Driscoll gives everyone their marching orders and the meeting breaks up.
Speaking of things that need to break up, Kiefer shows up to announce to Driscoll that he and DoDder are leaving. DaD isn't happy to hear it, but DoDder and Kiefer explain. Again. DaD threatens Kiefer that if anything happens to DoDder, he'll hold Kiefer responsible. I'd love to see that employee review form: "Areas of success: Saved supervisor's life in a daring solo rescue operation. Areas for development: Stop getting supervisor's kids killed." Kiefer and DoDder head for the door, as Kiefer explains that the security company is "Not far. Burbank." Ah, another clue in my ongoing CTU triangulation project! More on that later. They're abruptly waylaid by a distinctive call of "Orrdrey!" Grayadder wants to talk to her while Kiefer "get[s] the Jeep set up." That apparently involves ordering a neckless, trapezoid-headed agent to meet them in the motor pool with his four-man team and a "weapons package." Not that any of those things will do anyone any good. It's 1:05:57. Kiefer looks at his watch, then across the floor at DoDder and Grayadder.
That gentleman is telling DoDder that he knows about her and Kiefer, and he's "not okay with it." Moot! DoDder says as much. She says she tried to work things out, but Grayadder kept putting it off so she gave up. They haven't been together for nine months, she reminds him. So she started seeing Kiefer after three whole months of separation? Life is short when you're DoDder, isn't it? Unless of course you have something awkward to tell someone, and then she has all the time in the world. Kiefer interrupts as politely as possible to tell DoDder it's time to go. Grayadder turns on him, snapping, "She is my wife." DoDder books, because she still sucks and refuses to take responsibility for her part in creating this situation to begin with. Kiefer's about to follow her, and Grayadder stops him. "She is my wife," Grayadder reiterates. "Don't you forget that." He tries to glare threateningly. Among all of Kiefer's possible responses, he chooses a barely-audible "Yuh," and goes to catch up with DoDder. She apologizes to him. You think she means for the awkward moment in particular, or for being an immature asshole and putting him in this position in general? Kiefer just says it's fine, with an expression that says it's really not.
Watching them leave, AIIIEEEE!sha heads over to Special Agent Breck with a lie about how she needs to give some files to Kiefer. Special Agent Breck, who has just finished wrestling that big ol' hair of hers into a ponytail, explains that AIIIEEEE!sha is out of luck, since "Kiefer just went with DoDder to Felsted Security to look at some archive footage." I think Special Agent Breck's ponytail's a little tight there -- it's keeping her from shutting her goddamn pipe. AIIIEEEE!sha goes back to her computer to locate Felsted Security. The map she pulls up doesn't have street names, but going by its proximity to the city center and a certain kink in the highway, it looks like the place is very near Alameda Avenue. I'm just saying.
DaD is wandering around CTU looking for a good place to set up with his bucket and harmonica when Grayadder pulls him aside, saying, "We need to talk." Yeah, get DaD to take your side against the guy who just saved his life. Good luck with that. DaD earns more credit than DoDder ever gave him by pointing out, "You and DoDder have been separated for almost a yearshe's a big girl. She can do what she wants." Grayadder whines, "What she's doingshe's breaking my heart." DaD gives that more consideration than it deserves when he pats Grayadder on the shoulder and walks out without another word. I hope he's off to have somebody revoke Grayadder's visitor pass.
1:08:33. AIIIEEEE!sha heads to one of CTU's equivalents of a back room and pulls out a flat drawer that turns out to be a folding monitor and keyboard. Kind of like a wall-mounted laptop, but bigger. It's sort of neato-looking. Special Agent Breck happens by, asking what AIIIEEEE!sha's up to. AIIIEEEE!sha makes up a lie about doing a Hub Five reboot for Lispy Skip. Did AIIIEEEE!sha get a bunch of training during the commercial breaks? How does she know all this crap? Special Agent Breck offers to take care of it, because she'll even suck up to temps. But AIIIEEEE!sha can't very well say, "Sure. And while you're at it, could you call my MoleBoss? Because that's what I'm actually doing." Special Agent Breck wanders off, still rocking that big, wavy ponytail. I'm surprised that hairdo lasted as long as it did. It's not exactly a twenty-four-hour look, y'understand. Once AIIIEEEE!sha's alone, she can get on with that Hub Five reboot. No, actually, she's using her dinky little earpiece-phone to report in on Kiefer and DoDder's errand. Turns out the guy at the other end of the line is none other than TerrorGringo his own self, who wants her to "set things up" on her "end." AIIIEEEE!sha Dante Hickses that she's not even supposed to be at CTU anymore, but TerrorGringo points out that once Kiefer and DoDder are offed, CTU will know that someone inside tipped the bad guys off. So she needs to divert suspicion. Now he tells her, after she's been spending the last four hours doing nothing but drawing attention to herself. AIIIEEEE!sha unhappily ends the call and folds the keyboard/monitor combo back into the wall. That action merits close-ups from two different angles. Somebody's sure proud of that little piece of set design.
“ They hold hands and stare blankly out the window. Their joy is infectious. See, Kiefer, this is why you don't get involved with married people. Best-case scenario, they get a divorce, and now you're in a relationship with someone who cheats and abandons their spouse. ”
TerrorDad is watching TV in the TerrorLivingRoom, where Fox News is reporting the breaking news that DaD is still rescued. Hey, real-world terrorists? Don't judge all of us by what you see on Fox News, okay? DaD's talking on the phone, fairly cheerfully, about how the "critical instructions" were "uploaded" before the "assault," so everything is still on schedule. TerrorMom is in the foreground, wearing quite a bit less makeup and looking something like her age. After he hangs up and gives her the good news that they're about to get the best tans of their entire lives, she wants to know about TerrorSon. "We have to be strong," TerrorDad tells her, and goes off to be strong in another room. Good timing, because TerrorMom's cell phone rings just then. "Helleew?" she purrs into it. I love the way she answers the phone, even at times like this. It's TerrorTeen, of course, with the news that Wahabist Wolf tried to kill him, until TerrorTeen killed him first, more. And that she can't let TerrorDad know, because he was the one who ordered it in the first place. TerrorMom doesn't believe it. She asks TerrorTeen where he is, then tells him to hide the Wolfmobile he's driving and she'll pick him up in a half hour. They hang up. TerrorMom grabs her coat and purse and starts to go, but TerrorDad is blocking her path, looking more dead-eyed than ever. This is not going to be a Kodak moment, I can tell. TerrorMom tries to blow TerrorDad off and head out, but he demands, "What did TerrorTeen do?" "No, what did you do?" TerrorMom non-answers. "Did you give the order?" Without blinking, TerrorDad makes the excuse that TerrorTeen was "not committed. It was only a matter of time before he turned on us." I guess this is an example of what happens when married people try to keep secrets from each other. For a half hour. TerrorMom starts slapping and shoving, and he doesn't take much of it before pinning her against the wall. "Where is Wahabist Wolf?" he demands. TerrorMom: "TerrorTeen killed him." TerrorDad: "That's impossible." TerrorMom: "Why? Because you think he's weak? He's not." No, just dumb. Fortunately, WW was dumber. TerrorDad continues to hold her against the wall, using his most threatening tone to say, "Listen to me, womannobody is going to stand in the way of what needs to be done. Not him, not you. You are going to pick him up in a half an hour." Well, if everyone agrees on the plan, what was all that drama for? It's 1:12:48.
1:17:13. Kiefer is in the back seat of a CTU-mobile with DoDder, because there was a suicidal driver handy. TerrorTeen is also driving, the opposite of suicidal. And AIIIEEEE!sha is still driving me bazoo. DoDder scootches in close to Kiefer and tries to take his hand. He doesn't appear to be too into it. In fact, he breaks the awkward silence with, "What did you say to Grayadder?" Actually, the silence might have been less awkward. She says she told him she wants a divorce as soon as they get back to D.C. In fact, she said that to Grayadder back in the season premiere before all this happened, but I guess she's been reiterating it in different ways since Grayadder made his big pitch, so I'll allow it. "Are you sure that's what you want?" Kiefer whispers. "Yes," she says. Kiefer quietly says, "Okay." They hold hands and stare blankly out the window. Their joy is infectious. See, Kiefer, this is why you don't get involved with married people. Best-case scenario, they get a divorce, and now you're in a relationship with someone who cheats and abandons their spouse.
“ 'You're not filling me with confidence,' DaD bitches. That's because you're already filled with Night Train. 'Look,' Skip says to the Secretary of Defense of the United States (booze halo notwithstanding), 'I'm just a little nervous. If I say I can do it, I can do it.'' Potato Face would be proud. ”
At CTU, Lispy Skip is all excited to see that the MacGuffin hasn't completely taken control of all the reactors. Special Agent Breck offers to help him exploit the opening, but all Lispy Skip wants her to do is stay off Hub Five. She's all, jigga-what? She heads right over to AIIIEEEE!sha and confronts her with her lie. AIIIEEEE!sha owns up to the fib right away, and makes up a story about having a personal phone call to make but still wanting to look like she was working. She apologizes, and Special Agent Breck disgustedly leaves without another word because she has to hurry up and go get busy not being on Hub Five. AIIIEEEE!sha thinks back to that "divert suspicion" directive.
1:19:20. The TerrorFolks are driving along in the TerrorMobile, which unfortunately precisely resembles every single other late-model sedan this season. We could use a gay little screaming yellow pickup to liven things up about now, I'm thinking. TerrorDad's cell phone rings. He's got some wacky little device attached to it that looks like R2D2's restraining bolt. "It's Marwan," TerrorDad tells TerrorMom before answering. Turns out Marwan is played by Arnold Vosloo from The Mummy, and he's also got a restraining bolt on his cell phone. Must be a scrambler or something. Too bad the Velveteen-Voiced Hostile didn't have one. He should have been more picky about who he carjacked. ImhoTerror's all well-groomed, in a black suit and black turtleneck, and for some reason he's hanging out in some dingy back room somewhere with some guy who looks like a Middle Eastern Keith Richards. So, on to the actual conversation. ImhoTerror wants to know if TerrorTeen is dead yet. TerrorDad tries to play it cool, but ImhoTerror is all tense about it. "The fact that I'm even talking to you about this is a problem." TerrorDad doesn't take that as a cue to hang up. "The two hours are crucial," ImhoTerror continues, in case you were planning to skip the episodes between now and the projected meltdowns. "I can't be distracted by this." TerrorDad makes assurances and hangs up. TerrorMom wonders what will happen when ImhoTerror finds out about TerrorTeen killing Wahabist Wolf. I kind of think she's worried about the wrong thing. "I will not be able to look at you after today without thinking about what we did to him," she says. TerrorDad looks at her like, "You're half right."
Lispy Skip announces to Curtis and Special Agent Breck that he may have cracked the MacGuffin code. He may be able to get in and prevent the power plants from melting down, but the Nuclear Regulatory Commission probably won't let him mess around with the code because of the risk of a chain reaction. So he's not only a computer expert, he knows about nuclear cores too? Renaissance man. Curtis wants Skip to pitch the idea to DaD so they can get past the NRC. It's 1:21:12 as Skip gets out of his chair, hitching up his pants and going all Woody Allen about his low blood sugar. The three of them interrupt Driscoll and DaD in the situation room, and Curtis relays Skip's news. DaD snaps, more forcefully than necessary, that he thought nobody is to mess with what Skip wants to mess with. Skip technobabbles until DaD raises a hand, saying, "I don't understand one thing you're telling me." He just wants to know the downside. Skip says if he screws up, he could accelerate the meltdowns. So what's the upside? Well, he could regain control of the reactors. Driscoll spells it out: "What we need to know is, can you do this without making a mistake?" Skip takes a good six seconds to say he can. "You're not filling me with confidence," DaD bitches. That's because you're already filled with Night Train. "Look," Skip says to the Secretary of Defense of the United States (booze halo notwithstanding), "I'm just a little nervous. If I say I can do it, I can do it." Potato Face would be proud.