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Well, Kiefer's doomed, suicidal rescue attempt succeeds in the first act, which leaves the question of what to do with the rest of the season, and indeed the rest of the episode. DaD finding out about Kiefer and DoDder? DoDder's soon-to-be-ex-husband showing up? TerrorTeen literally digging his own grave? Kiefer and Driscoll kissing and making up? A joyful reunion between DaD and DiCK which ends with DaD authorizing the continued torture of his son? The discovery of the real terror plot, from which DaD's abduction and trial were only a diversion, a plot to remotely take over every nuclear power plant in the United States, a plot that AIIIEEEE!sha appears to be in on? Sounds like a pretty decent season. Except I'm just talking about this one episode. Which rocked. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Going by the previews, I was expecting this to be the easiest recap ever: "Shooting. Commercials. Shooting. Commercials. Shooting." And then I was watching it, and so much other stuff happened and I was really digging it, and then I remembered that I was going to have to recap it all, and I said, "Shit." But still, I enjoyed this episode so much that all the stuff I usually nitpick about? I'm just going to let it go.
Previously on 24: TerrorTeen was all pissy about TerrorMom having killed Deaddie because he didn't have the stones to do it himself. Deaddie's mom came looking for her daughter, but the TerrorFolks blew her off. TerrorDad sent TerrorMom to follow her. Potato Face got fired and left without squealing on Lispy Skip. Curtis leaned on DiCK. Team DoD tried to gas themselves. The Briefcase was "very strong." Team DoD was hauled out of the gassy cell in time. DoDder recognized TerrorGringo when she came to. Kiefer was ready to go in after Team DoD, but Driscoll ordered him not to bother, what with the place being slated by POTUS for destruction from the air. Kiefer did the opposite of what Driscoll told him to, because that's how it is with them. Also, this isn't in the previouslies, but DoDder didn't want to tell DaD that she and Kiefer are shtupping, because she kind of sucks. The following takes place between 12:00 PM and 1:00 PM.
Inside the TerrorDome, masked Poor Man's Robert Davi is still holding court, if you'll pardon the expression. POTUS & Pals watch aboard Air Force One. And Kiefer? Kiefer's inside the TerrorDome fence, snapping some dude's neck and then using one silenced, long-range shot from his handgun to take out the guard who saw him do it. He slides on his ass down the grassy slope to an entrance, managing not to rack himself on any hidden stones.
On Air Force One, Keeler asks his Washington Post guy how much longer it'll be before the missile finally shuts PMRD up. Driscoll calls POTUS while Kiefer takes out a third guard. She wants the Prez to abort the missile strike because Kiefer went in alone. Keeler will only call it off if Kiefer succeeds in rescuing DaD. Driscoll asks how much time Kiefer has. The answer? Seven minutes. Damn. It takes me seven minutes just to find the cordless phone sometimes.
Kiefer knocks down a guard in a hallway. While pinning him to the ground and pressing his gun against the guard's head, he holds up the guard's GameBoy, which is showing an electronic map of the TerrorDome. He demands to know where Team DoD is being held. The guard, because he's not on the "martyr" career track, points at the little screen. Kiefer thanks him by brutally pistol-whipping him into unconsciousness and probably permanent brain damage. Now he's on the "Wal-Mart greeter" career track (kidding! Don't have your grandkids e-mail me!). Kiefer continues moving through the TerrorDome, looking pretty vulnerable with his little, silenced handgun and his man-purse. Driscoll rings through on his headset with the news that Keeler isn't going to call off the missile strike, Kiefer has less than six minutes, and the thermal scan indicates about sixteen "hostiles" inside. You suppose that includes the four that are dead or unconscious? Those guys are probably still warm. It sounds like she's got more to say. "I'm not turning back," Kiefer interrupts. Driscoll rolls her eyes and says, "Understood. Good luck." You can just see her thinking, Worst case scenario: this'll be the last time he ignores me.
DoDder's pleading with the guard outside her cell to stop the trial. The little observation hatch is still open, presumably to let the place air out a bit. Until the guard in the hallway gets tired of listening to her and shuts it in her face, instantly becoming some viewers' favorite 24 character ever. But by this time, Kiefer has already heard her voice while passing through a hallway. He follows the familiar sound of her whining to the outside of an air vent in the back of the cell. Not sure why that air vent didn't work last hour, but never mind. I'm letting it go. Kiefer gets her attention. DoDder tells Kiefer to get DaD first. Kiefer makes a pained face so his girlfriend can see how hard it is for him to abandon her, and then slips a switchblade to her between the wires of the vent grate. "Use that if you have to," he whispers. "I'll be back for you. I promise." Hurry, dude. You've only got four minutes. It's 12:06:55 and that missile's getting launched at around 12:11:00. It takes me four minutes to button my shirt sometimes.
The editors start going crazy with the split-screening. I'm not going to try to keep up with it. Kiefer makes his way to the room where DaD is being tried, and hides among the random crates lying around the room. You see, terrorists? This is what happens when you don't pay attention to quality production values. The trial's still going on. In fact, the continued monologue of masked Poor Man's Robert Davi is trying to all of us. Poor Man's Robert Davi brandishes DaD's signed confession. Keeler's expression doesn't change visibly as he watches. Kiefer manages to make eye contact with DaD without getting spotted by anyone else. He makes a hand signal: an open palm followed by a closed fist. Five zero? What does that mean? Jack Lord is nearby? DaD appears to understand the signal, though, and that's what matters. PMRD pronounces the death sentence, to be carried out "immediately." He hands a pistol to his masked henchman, which strikes me as a bit odd. But I guess these internet terrorists figure that beheadings are so eighth-century. As the executioner levels the gun at DaD's head, DaD suddenly kicks back and tips his chair over so Kiefer can start shooting. Which he does. The executioner goes down first, of course, then the TerrorCameraman.
Keeler & Friends watch on board Air Force One as the picture from the webcast tips and goes snowy. On Keeler's order, his guy from the Washington Post yells down the phone to abort the missile launch. The missile would have been too late anyway; there are over three minutes to spare. It takes me three minutes to get a belch out sometimes. "He's doing it," says Driscoll at CTU, and she actually seems excited.
At the TerrorDome, the whole Terror AV Club goes down, except for Poor Man's Robert Davi, who escapes by giving himself heavy covering fire from an assault rifle. After he's gone, Kiefer releases DaD from his chair and hands him the Velveteen-Voiced Hostile's pistol from his man-purse. And just as Kiefer promised, they're off to fetch DoDder.
CTU gets confirmation that the missile strike's been aborted. "Where are the Marines?" Driscoll snaps. Special Agent Breck is on it.
12:08:33. Moving carefully through the TerrorDome's hallways, Kiefer takes point while DaD gets the always-in-demand job of guarding Kiefer's rear. They take a couple of guys out along the way. Kiefer loots the corpse of his kill to upgrade to assault rifle. If it wasn't clear before, it's now quite obvious that DaD has some military training. By the time they get to DoDder's cell, it's empty. "We gotta go," Kiefer understates, and leads DaD outside to a courtyard just as a grenade goes off where they were standing a moment ago. The explosion draws the attention of all the gunmen standing on the surrounding roofs, and Kiefer and DaD are immediately pinned down behind a parked car as terrorists shoot at them from above. Looks like CTU's count was pretty low. Kiefer and DaD work together to return fire. Kiefer's Kevlar vest does its thing at one point. Fortunately, the terrorists appear to have used up their one grenade. But then our heroes are out of ammo and they're being flanked, which makes this an excellent time for the cavalry to arrive. And indeed, helicopter gunships swoop in over the TerrorDome, strafing terrorists from the air and disgorging Marines onto the ground. There's some excellent battle footage. It really goes a whole lot better for these Marines than the ones in Black Hawk Down. Kiefer tells DaD to stay down while the TerrorDome is secured. Which looks like a good plan, until unmasked Poor Man's Robert Davi pops into view with a gun to DoDder's head in standard hostage/human shield configuration. Kiefer and DaD both point their empty guns at Poor Man's Robert Davi until he orders them to disarm, threatening to kill DoDder. They obey, but Kiefer's secretly preparing a dinky little throwing knife. He points out that Poor Man's Robert Davi's big day is over and he's surrounded. PMRD concedes the point, but as a consolation prize to himself, he's going to make Kiefer and DaD watch DoDder die. In the four seconds it takes for him to actually get ready to pull the trigger, DoDder "whips" out the switchblade Kiefer gave her, extends the blade, and buries it in PMRD's thigh. PMRD releases her, bellowing in pain, and Kiefer lets fly with the throwing knife. PMRD staggers backward and the Marines who were waiting for a clear shot take several. And PMRD is finally shut up for good. Thanks, Marines! DaD and DoDder rush into each other's arms. Kiefer looks just about ready to join them, but he remembers himself in time. As DoDder looks at Kiefer silently over DaD's shoulder, Kiefer hangs back quietly. He's a better man than I. I'd yell, "Now can we tell him?" In any case, everyone's safe and it's only 12:12:47. Holy crap.
12:17:15. In all three screens, the TerrorDome has effectively been converted into the MarineDome. DaD's back in his suit, which is none the worse for wear after being forcibly ripped from his body a couple of episodes ago. Although he seems to have neglected to get his tie back from the guy he threw it at. DaD's just getting off the phone with Keeler, who wanted DaD to thank Kiefer for him. "It's been a while since you've been in the field, Kiefer. Looks like you haven't skipped a beat. DoDder and I owe you our lives." Kiefer points up the hill to a helicopter that's ready to take them all back to CTU. DaD is keen to find out "who these terrorists are and where they're coming from." You listened to Poor Man's Robert Davi blather for ten minutes and you still don't know where he's coming from? Actually, that's okay, because I don't either. Kiefer promises to keep DaD hooked up to the ongoing investigation with a live feed to DaD's office in D.C.
Kiefer then walks over to DoDder, who has something to tell him. That she's no longer embarrassed to be dating him? No, it's about how she recognized TerrorGringo, but she couldn't place him. Kiefer says they'll put together photos of all the TerrorCorpses and she can go through them at CTU. Kiefer gets a call on his cell phone from the CTU switchboard operator. "It's your husband," Kiefer says. "He wants to speak with you." Kiefer can say so much with a show of neutrality. Here he's saying, "I'm a bad-ass super-agent who can infiltrate a terrorist stronghold single-handedly and survive a firefight against overwhelming odds, but in relationships I'm a total wuss." Kiefer hands the phone to DoDder and moves off to give them some privacy.
Or "privvacy," as the case may be, because DoDder's soon-to-be-ex-husband is British. Now, many Americans think that all British accents are created equal, but they aren't any more equal than British people are. Brits can tell a lot about each other from their accents: where they're from, their social status, where they went to school, and so on. I don't have that finely tuned ear, but I do know what the soon-to-be-ex-husband's particular accent means. It means "doofus." DoDder's been saying since the first episode that her marriage was over long before Kiefer was in the picture, and I tend to believe her, if for no other reason than she got tired of always being called "Orrdrey." We see him sitting at CTU, because he got on a plane to L.A. as soon as he heard what happened. From D.C.? Four hours ago? Must have taken the Concorde. "See you soon," he says ambiguously. DoDder listens to her soon-to-be-ex-husband while watching Kiefer trying to look like he's not trying to look conspicuous, and we're supposed to believe she's torn. Oh, whatever. Kiefer versus Poor Man's Rowan Atkinson? Should have stayed home, Grayadder.
DoDder gets off the phone and starts towards the chopper. As she tries to pass Kiefer, he takes her hand and she stops. She's having trouble maintaining eye contact. I hope it's because she's realizing how shitty she's been to him. From some distance off, DaD notices this bit of business. And remember, as Kiefer said in the premiere, DaD is a very perceptive man.
12:19:39. At CTU, Curtis frowning at his computer monitor. He's trying to watch the MarineDome channel so they can go through all the stuff recovered from the Terrorists. But, as he explains to Driscoll, Division is hogging all the bandwidth because now that DaD's safe, CTU is the red-headed stepchild or something. AIIIEEEE!sha swoops in with a CD-ROM that will fix everything by giving them access to the FBI's feed. "How did you get that?" Driscoll asks, while Curtis glares suspiciously. With the security clearance you signed off on for her an hour ago, maybe? AIIIEEEE!sha claims she used to temp at the FBI and still has friends there. I find that hard to believe. Unless by "friends" she means "people I have by the scrotum." Before leaving, Driscoll tells AIIIEEEE!sha to set it up. As AIIIEEEE!sha leans in to install her no doubt contraband software on Curtis's computer, she says she doesn't know what Curtis's problem is: "Because I'm ambitious? Okay, I'm ambitious." If by "ambitious" she means "unbelievably irritating." Curtis mentions the whole sleeping-with-him-for-her-career issue, and she denies it. She did it because she was hot for him. "I still am. Deal with it." If by "it" she means "the fact that you are doomed to be devoured alive by my evil, voracious cooter."
12:20:56. TerrorDad's watching Fox News: The News Network for Terrorists. The news of DaD's rescue is breaking, but TerrorDad's not exactly crying over spilt milk. He's at home on the phone, expressing his hope that "our good fortune will continue." TerrorTeen's confused, since the way he sees it, everything's gone to shit and he "killed" his girlfriend for nothing. Sure, TerrorTeen, it's all about you. Try looking beyond yourself for one minute and considering how your parents plan to kill millions of people. That doesn't just happen, you know. TerrorDad explains that the trial was only the "first step," and "there were certain things that your mother and I decided to keep from you." TerrorTeen demands to know what's going on, and TerrorDad is about to start ripping a strip off the kid when someone rings the TerrorDoorbell. TerrorDad sends TerrorTeen to peer through the window. At 12:22:10, TerrorTeen says it's someone named Tariq (although my closed-captioning insists it's "Terrick"), and he wants to know what Tariq is doing there. As the guy (a Poor Man's Antonio Banderas) comes in, he embraces both TerrorMen. Tariq says that "Marwan" told him that since TerrorTeen "took care of" Deaddie, he'll need help getting rid of the body. Oh, so Tariq is the radical-militant Islamic version of Harvey Keitel's character in Pulp Fiction. I guess that makes him Wahabist Wolf. TerrorDad and Wahabist Wolf look at each other seriously. It's 12:23:04.
12:27:29. Stuff is laid out on the ground at the MarineDome, Grayadder hasn't been laid in about a year, TerrorDad contemplates his wayward lad, and Curtis follows leads. Back at the MarineDome, a camera crew is shooting live video of TerrorCorpses and recovered equipment and transmitting it real-time to Curtis at CTU. Would they really be in that much of a hurry after resolving the immediate crisis? I think I'd probably take the rest of the day off. But I'm letting it go. Curtis spots the Briefcase on his monitor. Yes, the Briefcase. Yes, that one. He asks the camera crew to open it up. It's empty, aside from a compartmentalized foam-rubber insert that was clearly designed to hold separate components of some kind. Curtis asks the camera crew to zoom in on any distinguishing marks. Sure enough, near the lock are the initials MF. I knew I should have gone with my first instinct to call this the MotherFucking Briefcase. Ah, well. Hindsight. Curtis appears to recognize the logo and tells the camera crew to make sure the MotherFucking Briefcase catches the ride back to CTU. Then he asks Special Agent Breck to run a "corporate logo search," because he thinks he's found a link between the train bombing and DaD's abduction. Pretty major leap for a guy who just demonstrated total ignorance of Google.
Kiefer and DoDder are already at CTU, less than ten minutes after leaving the MarineDome. Helicopter or not, I'm…letting it go. DoDder's all keen to make the ID of TerrorGringo, but Kiefer wants her checked out at the clinic first. As she heads off in that direction, she sees Grayadder talking on his cell phone in a conference room. He doesn't see her, and she slinks off without greeting him. But it looks like DaD wants to talk to her, and he pulls her aside.
Kiefer kicks Special Agent Breck off her computer, because the writers have thought of a new way to make her job suck.
DaD addresses DoDder in a quiet corner. "Does he know?" DoDder plays dumb. "About you and Kiefer," DaD clarifies. DoDder wants to know when DaD figured it out. "Not until today," he says, quietly and calmly. "Although I'm surprised that I hadn't figured it out till now." So are quite a few TWoP readers. DoDder makes a bunch of lame excuses and blah blah blah my-husband's-a-dink-cakes until DaD is just looking at her with the expression Dr. Phil gives people who are talking themselves into a hole. Finally she just shuts up and says, "I'll take care of it." DaD gives her a little smile. Yeah, I can see why she wanted to avoid such an ugly scene. She sucks.
Kiefer notices Team DoD's tete-a-tete across the floor, particularly DoDder's distressed expression when DaD leaves. She looks at Kiefer, and he quickly looks back down at his work, like the awkward guy he is when he doesn't have anything to shoot at. And DoDder's off to the clinic. Hey, maybe a bomb will go off while she and DrisKid are both in there, solving most of our problems all at once.
Curtis has been busy. The NTSB has finally noticed that one of the train crash victims had a bullet in his chest and half a pair of handcuffs attached to his wrist. As Curtis runs a little ad hoc AV demo on the big screen, he explains that the late Briefcase Man had no ID, and his face and fingerprints aren't on file anywhere. So he was grown in a vat? Maybe he came with the Briefcase. Curtis goes on to say that a witness on the train saw the Briefcase, which he thinks is the same one found at the MarineDome. He further reports to Driscoll that the MotherFucking Briefcase bears the initials MF, which is the logo of a defense contractor called MacGuffin Factories. No, not really, but it might as well be. Curtis contacted MacGuffin Factories' CEO, but he won't tell CTU anything. Because obviously the company is going to be incredibly secretive about something that they're willing to send on public transportation. They won't discuss it without special clearance from the Department of Defense. Shit, man, how are they going to get that? Oh, right. They'll ask DaD. He's probably feeling pretty generous right now. Driscoll asks for printouts of everything.
12:31:36. TerrorDad is watching Fox News again, and looking extremely despondent. I would be too if my TV were stuck on that channel. TerrorMom arrives to report that Deaddie's mom went home, and even if she calls the cops it'll be "too late." TerrorDad sadly says that "the trial was cut short, but it served its purpose." Furthermore, even if the authorities search the warehouse and figure out the TerrorPlot, "it's too late to stop it." Why's TerrorDad in such a funk, then? He doesn't answer. So then where's TerrorTeen? Well, he went to bury Deaddie. With Wahabist Wolf. The very mention of Tariq's name fills TerrorMom with dread. "He's going to kill our son," she moans. "Yes," says TerrorDad simply, without looking at her. TerrorMom says she told the aforementioned Marwan that TerrorTeen had taken care of Deaddie, but TerrorDad says he figures Marwan "must not have been satisfied. He must have decided that TerrorTeen was a liability." TerrorMom tries to bring the recrimination, but TerrorDad comes right back at her. "What could I do?" he bellows. TerrorMom is still pissed off, probably thinking about that stolen Emmy that's going to go on the shelf to her stolen Oscar. TerrorDad says that TerrorTeen "stopped being our son a long time ago…living here has changed him." Indeed, so many would-be terrorists have been de-radicalized by the lure of infidel poontang. "He's been like a stranger to us. He proved to me today that he no longer believes in our cause. Maybe he never did." Nice rationalization, dude. But TerrorMom seems to buy it. At least for now, because she collapses into his arms sobbing rather than coldly offering him a nice cup of tea. It's 12:34:25.
12:38:50. DoDder gets treated at the CTU clinic, DiCK's treatment appears to be over, and Driscoll treats her underlings to a little speech from DaD. The CTUers gather around and applaud happily. Of course they're clapping. Now they don't have to continue working nonstop until this time tomorrow. DaD gives a few simple, humble words of thanks, even alluding to possible bonuses down the road without committing himself to anything definite. A born politician. Although, tie or not, there's no reason not to tuck in his shirt. Unless his zipper's broken. Not that I've ever worn my shirt untucked for that reason. As for the towel in his hand, I can only assume that it's something he uses to control that major perspiration problem we've seen him display in episodes.
Driscoll, Kiefer, and Curtis show DaD to the conference room. DaD expresses his gratitude to Driscoll for his rescue. As he goes on and on, and, to a certain extent, on, Driscoll looks between DaD and Kiefer, who is looking right back at her and not quite openly smirking. She seems to be waiting for Kiefer to rat her out, but Kiefer stays mum. "Thank you, sir," Driscoll finally says, without further clarification. It's not like she wants to get herself in trouble by admitting that if she'd had her way all along, DaD would be a cloud of ash blowing across the Santa Clarita Valley right now. Besides, she's got plenty to be embarrassed about when DaD asks to see his son and she has to confess that DiCK is in a cell. Driscoll tattles that they had reason to believe that DiCK was holding out on them. "And what are you doing about that?" DaD asks carefully. Curtis looks like he just realized he's sitting in something sticky. Driscoll starts bullshitting, but DaD quickly says, "Stop B.S.-ing me. What did you do to him?" Curtis starts explaining about the Laser Floyd show, and how it's "non-invasive," until DaD cuts in with, "You subjected my son to SDT?" Ah, so he knows all about it. This is a very hands-on SecDef. He even does his own shooting now and then. Kind of refreshing. Curtis points out that they stopped DiCK's torture as soon as they knew DaD was safe. Heh. I don't know, I bet they let him have another few minutes just for fun. I would. DaD's gratitude is rapidly running out, and Kiefer is having more trouble than ever keeping his expression neutral. DaD wants to see DiCK right away, and he and Curtis head off to holding as DaD threatens Driscoll, "You better have cause for this." Kiefer's about to follow so Driscoll can't see the "big sister's in big trouble" look on his face, but she stops him. She wants to thank him for not telling DaD about their differences during the past few hours. Kiefer is magnanimous in victory, saying that they were both doing what they thought was best. Driscoll also asks Kiefer to fill in for the late Kiefer 2.0 "until we avert this crisis." What, CTU doesn't have any active field agents who could step in any better than this rusty old dude? They're sure going to be excited about reporting to Kiefer now, aren't they? Driscoll reminds Kiefer that "Kiefer 2.0 was under my command and you will be too." Kiefer says he understands, because that's his absolute favorite lie and he never gets tired of it. Oh, and apparently the photos of the TerrorCorpses are ready for DoDder to take a look at. It's 12:41:57.
Curtis lets DaD into DiCK's holding room. They embrace. They apologize to each other. In addition to being relieved that Team DoD is okay, DiCK's pretty pissed off about what's been happening to him, and now that he and DaD are all tight again, he wants his tormentors to pay. DaD assures him, "If they were out of line, heads will roll." DiCK doesn't like the sound of that "if." And he's not happy about what DaD is implying. He insists that he would tell CTU everything -- "If I thought it was relevant." Oh, DiCK, you fucking moron. DaD quietly says, "So there is something." DaD's leaning on DiCK to tell what he knows, even playing the "do you know what your sister has been through?" card. DiCK is all, "I'm not telling these people things about my private life." After about thirty seconds of being reasonable, DaD gives up and folds his towel neatly. "Agent Manning, could you come in here please?" he says. Curtis appears at the door. Right in front of DiCK, DaD authorizes Curtis to "do whatever you feel is necessary to get this information out of him." Well, that was the shortest familial truce ever. "I love you, son. But I have a duty to my country," DaD says, a paragon of mock regret. DiCK thinks his father is bluffing until DaD turns to leave and DiCK tries to follow, but Curtis is blocking DiCK's path. I'm so appalled at DaD's callousness that I can barely fall on the floor laughing. And I think DaD enjoyed it almost as much as I did.
At 12:44:53, Wahabist Wolf pulls his car out onto a scenic overlook, where I'm sure they will not be happened upon by anyone in the early afternoon on a non-school day. He goes around to the back and opens the trunk, while directing TerrorTeen to get the shovels out of the backseat. Looking at WW though the crack under the open trunk lid, TerrorTeen catches a glimpse of a gun in WW's hand. Oblivious, WW asks TerrorTeen to help him with Deaddie's Hefty-bagged corpse. This is the terrorists' body-disposal guru? A guy who buries people out in the open in broad daylight? And takes the body out of the trunk before he's finished digging? Why didn't TerrorDad just call Nate Fisher? Never mind -- I'm letting it go. But mark my words, if WW keeps up like this, his luck is going to run out soon.
While DoDder's getting her minor boo-boos patched up, Grayadder comes into the examination room. DoDder greets him ambiguously and assures him that she's not hurt. Now that Grayadder's alone with DoDder (although he's still standing about fifteen feet away from her), he has a little speech all prepared about how this crisis has made him realize what he wants, i.e. DoDder. He promises to make the marriage his first priority and everything. Big of him. DoDder tells him that's not what she wants. Grayadder calls himself a fool for asking DoDder to make decisions about their relationship at a time like this. Well, he's half right. DoDder cuts that off to say she's seeing someone else. Grayadder suddenly gets very British. "How long has this been going on?" he says. DoDder tells him it's been about six months. Six months? She's been boffing Kiefer for half a year and making him keep it a secret? So over her. He asks if she loves the guy, and she says yes. Just not enough to tell her DaD about it MOMENTS BEFORE HIS PUBLIC EXECUTION. Even now she's all uncomfortable about confessing this to Grayadder. Which, sure, awkward, but if you're going to confess something, there's never going to be a time in your life when he's going to cut you more slack. Go ahead, DoDder. Let it all out. Tell him about how you also broke his toy Dalek while dusting around it and you hate fish-paste sandwiches and you painted the spare bedroom while wearing his Manchester United jersey and you preferred the American version of Coupling. Now's the time.
Alas, the window of opportunity closes when Kiefer sticks his head in. In the room, pervs. He views the scene and tries to escape, but DoDder wants to introduce her ex to her current. "You're the one who saved DoDder's life," Grayadder says as they shake hands. "Thank you." What's Kiefer supposed to say to that? "You're welcome"? Like he saved DoDder for Grayadder? He looks from DoDder to Grayadder for about five minutes before finally settling on, "You're welcome." Gagh! I'm starting to think he's kind of hopeless without a crisis to make him look good. Kiefer tells DoDder that the TerrorCorpse photo portfolio is ready for her to look at, and Grayadder leaves unhappily, while Kiefer acts like there's something grody on his hand. Kiefer approaches DoDder and asks if she's ready to go. She's a little weepy, but a kiss makes it all better. Glass doors, people! Glass doors everywhere! Christ. How did they keep this secret for six minutes, let alone six months? It's 12:49:46.
12:54:10. Wahabist Wolf and TerrorTeen are digging the scene; TerrorDad waits for news on his non-gay, non-dead, non-terrorist son; and Kiefer is showing DoDder photos of all the guys he shot forty-some minutes ago. TerrorGringo doesn't appear to be among them, so DoDder figures he must have left before Kiefer came and did his thing. DoDder makes a "Did you fart?" face. Kiefer didn't, but DoDder remembers where she first saw TerrorGringo: at a Heritage Foundation dinner at the L.A. Hyatt two months ago. She'll get a guest list. Kiefer's summoned into a conference call, and he tells the messenger (who, amazingly enough, is not Special Agent Breck) to get the Hyatt's security tapes from the time DoDder was there. I notice Kiefer doesn't get the heroic theme music when he's only going to a meeting. He tells DoDder he'll be right back and puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder, while Grayadder watches from behind one of those omnipresent glass walls.
Strangely, Wahabist Wolf's white t-shirt is cleaner than it was when we saw him in the back-from-commercial split-screen a minute ago. I suspect the explanation for that will soon become apparent. He takes a water break at 12:55:52. I can't believe they've got the body right out there to them. That'll be hard to explain if anyone happens along. They should have left it in the trunk until the last minute, so that if anyone comes along they can say that they're just a couple of guys out digging a hole on public property. TerrorTeen gets another look at the gun stuffed in the back of WW's waistband, and he seems to have finally figured out that he's digging his own grave. There's a close-up of him adjusting his grip on the shovel handle before he whirls around and whangs the blade against the back of WW's skull. Awesome! WW goes down groaning, lying facedown and getting the front of his white t-shirt dirty before they've shot the B-roll digging footage (see?). TerrorTeen stands over him, demanding to know what gives. WW pulls his gun, but TerrorTeen clubs it away with the shovel. Slick! TerrorTeen's pissed, since Marwan knows he "took care of" Deaddie. WW says it's not Marwan who wants TerrorTeen dead. He's seems to realize he's said too much, and he clams up until TerrorTeen deals him another solid crack on the noggin. Excellent! Finally WW tells TerrorTeen that the order came from TerrorDad. TerrorTeen doesn't take this news well at all. He reacts by bludgeoning WW's head with the shovel viciously and repeatedly enough that it would look like a watermelon at a Gallagher concert if this weren't broadcast television. Outstanding! TerrorTeen drops the shovel and backs away, tripping over Deaddie's Hefty-bagged head in the process. I love details like that.
As he shrinks into the right half of the screen, he gets into the car and drives off, leaving behind one more corpse than he came with, and both out in the wide open to a shovel with his fingerprints and another guy's brains all over it. Oh, TerrorTeen. You had me and then you lost me. At upper left, the TerrorMom waits for her turn to be the more evil TerrorParent again, and DiCK is strapped back into his own personal hell at lower left. Whatever he's hiding better be good. I can see him holding out thinking his DaD would be on his side, but now even that hope has been taken away, leaving nothing but a whole lot of angry screaming and chair-dancing and Pollockian squiggles of hair-grease on the walls.
The end-of-episode split-screen came a little early this week, because there's a lot going on with the final twist. So much, in fact, that they have to cover it in CTU's conference room. While videoconferencing with some dude from MacGuffin Factories, Driscoll introduces everyone sitting around the table: herself, Curtis, Special Agent Breck, and, of course, Kiefer. Mr. MacGuffin explains that the MotherFucking Briefcase contained an override device that can allow the government to take control over a nuclear power plant in the event of a disaster. It seems the Nuclear Regulatory Commission asked them to come up with it, because the NRC has never heard of terrorists. Kiefer asks if the device can also be used to create a disaster at a nuclear power plant. Mr. MacGuffin allows that it's possible, theoretically. But the plus side is that doing that would require not only the override device, but also so much computing power that the NRC would "see it coming a mile away." Kiefer asks if that would be true even during a period of extremely high internet traffic. For example, if millions of computers all around the world were, e.g., streaming video of, say, a trial of the United States Secretary of Defense. Mr. MacGuffin tries to act like, I suppose theoretically, hypothetically, in the exceedingly unlikely event of…Driscoll asks how many plants the override can control. "All of them," says Mr. MacGuffin. And how many is that? Mr. MacGuffin is starting to look like he's living his recurring nightmare about being in Trump's boardroom when he answers 104. And, meeting's over. They've heard enough. Everyone swings into action. "Thank you, Mr. MacGuffin," Kiefer says. Whether he's thanking him for the briefing or for inventing a device that can melt the country isn't clear, because Kiefer's hitting the door running. You suppose he's going to try to catch the plane to Sydney?
As TerrorPlots go, I have to say I'm impressed with this one. I didn't see how they could top a rogue nuclear bomb or a highly contagious killer virus, and when I heard about the kidnapping storyline, I figured they wouldn't even try, which I thought was wise. But trying and succeeding is way better than not trying. I approve.
But wait, there's more! During the video conference, the part of the screen not taken up by Mr. MacGuffin's face was occupied an animated schematic of the override device. On a big screen that could be seen through the conference room's glass walls by anyone out on the floor. They really need to make up their mind about how confidential they want knowledge of this thing to be. What if someone outside the room recognized the device on the big giant display? As if to answer, AIIIEEEE!sha gets up from her chair, walks purposefully over to a quiet place on the upper-level catwalk, and makes a call on her cell phone. "They found out about the override," she says. Dun dun DUNNN! Which rhymes with "one." Which is exactly what time it is.
This episode was dedicated to the memory of Lt. Col. Dave Greene of the Marine Light Attack Helicopter Squadron 776. Good thing it wasn't a sucky one.
week: Terrorists are controlling America's nuclear power plants. Hey, lighten up. Maybe they just want free electricity.