Day Four: 9:00 AM -- 10:00 AM

This just in: my parents are, as of Sunday night's premiere, brand-new fans of 24. Which means it's more likely than ever that they're going to be reading these recaps. Hi, Mom and Dad! Hope you like them! They'd be better, but spending any more time on them would really cut into my Bible study.

Due to some graphic violence viewer discretion is advised. Somebody should have warned Potato Face.

Previously: Kiefer wanted to bring Witless in to save him from terrorists and also help find DaD. A terrorist overheard the conversation and got to Witless first. TerrorTeen delivered a briefcase and got followed by his idiot girlfriend, which TerrorDad said could bollix up the whole evil plan. Kiefer 2.0 reluctantly brought Kiefer along to pick up Witless, then got his ass killed, so Kiefer had to chase after Witless on his own. Curtis questioned DiCK about DaD and DoDder's kidnapping, which had been perpetrated by terrorists who now want to try DaD for war crimes and execute him on the internet. The following takes place between 9:00 AM and 10:00 AM.

We open on Air Force One, looking very impressive indeed as it flies over the ocean. Is someone lost? That might have been a good metaphor for the last year of the Palmer administration. Oh, well. Keeler sits down to a meeting of what looks like whichever Cabinet members and Joint Chiefs happened to be on the plane. Others, including Driscoll, are patched in via video teleconferencing. Keeler brings the new viewers up to speed, with a little analysis thrown in: "Make no mistake: this country is under attack." What's more, "Intelligence indicates that the kidnapping may be a trigger -- the first step in a series of larger attacks." So that explains what the second half of the season will be about. Keeler asks his people what's being done. His campaign manager from last season, Poor Man's Tim Russert, who now appears to be Keeler's Chief of Staff, says that all of DaD's codes and protocols have been changed and the rest of the Cabinet has been sequestered. His maybe-Press-Secretary explains that the major media outlets won't be broadcasting DaD's trial and execution (even Al-Jazeera?), but they can't control the terrorists' use of the internet and they can't shut the 'net down without crippling the government and the economy. Okay, first of all, I barely know enough about the internet to get these recaps to Sars, but even I understand that the internet doesn't have some master switch somewhere that shuts it down. And I would also like to think that the command and control systems we're using aren't quite as 'net-dependent as this scene would lead us to believe. But then the last four years have changed a lot of things that I used to like to think about the government. Poor Man's Tim Russert cuts to the chase: the only way to stop this is to find and rescue DaD. Which puts all the pressure on Driscoll. Keeler asks her how the search is going. Driscoll answers the question as nonchalantly as if Keeler had asked her about remaining storage space on CTU servers, which is so distracting that I don't even hear what she actually told him. Keeler breaks up the meeting, telling everyone that finding DaD is their top priority.

Driscoll meets up with Curtis on the CTU floor and asks how the questioning of DiCK is going. Not well enough for Driscoll, apparently, and Curtis heads off for his fateful date with an exposed power conduit. Driscoll hears Potato Face wrapping up her conversation with the Early Episode Exposition Call Center, and asks what's going on. Potato Face says she can't reach either of the Kiefers, that Witless has been intercepted, and a shooting has been reported at the train station. Driscoll's "What?" is the strongest reaction we've seen from her so far. Potato Face trots off to look for an update. Driscoll orders Lispy Skip to get pictures of Witless to their agents and set up a security grid around the station. Special Agent Breck says she can do it faster. Driscoll agrees, and drafts Lispy Skip to come and help with tactical. I bet that wasn't what Special Agent Breck planned. But before Lispy Skip can do more than activate his screensaver, Kiefer calls in. Driscoll demands to know what's going on. Kiefer breaks the news that Kiefer 2.0 is dead, and that he's secretly tracking the Velveteen-Voiced Hostile (formerly the Velveteen-Voiced One, formerly the Clean-Cut Minion -- I'm tired, all right?) who nabbed Witless. Driscoll wants to send backup to bring in VVH, but Kiefer doesn't think so; he wants to keep following VVH in the hope that he'll lead them to DaD. Driscoll explains about the webcast, which only makes Kiefer more convinced that leaving VVH free and following him is the only way to find DaD in time. "Kiefer, we had a deal!" Driscoll whines. "You're breaking up," Kiefer lies, and tells Driscoll to get SWAT and rescue teams ready and that he'll be in touch. He hangs up without saying where he is. Driscoll slams down the phone. She demands to know where Kiefer was calling from, but Lispy Skip reports that Kiefer had it blocked. Everyone stares at Driscoll, thinking, worst boss ever. Driscoll now has to announce that Kiefer 2.0 is dead, and that Kiefer is "no longer cooperating." Everyone is to concentrate on finding Kiefer and the VVH.

Potato Face walks off in the middle of Driscoll's instructions. She picks up her phone to call the train station, but there's no new information. She hangs up about a second before Special Agent Breck rings her extension. Oh, and guess what? Now CTU has these LCD videophone displays that show the caller's face in fish-eye peephole-vision. I have no idea why, since anybody in the place can just look across the floor and see anybody else, usually without even standing up. But maybe they'll come into play later. I hope so, because even Special Agent Breck looks like hell on it. Anyway Special Agent Breck is asking for Potato Face's help with something or other. Potato Face gives her about four seconds of her time before snapping, "My friend, Witless, who I promised would be okay, do you mind if I try to find him?" She hangs up with a resounding [sic].

Speaking of Witless, he's trying to sit up and peer through the back window of the VVH-mobile, until VVH smacks him back down. VVH checks his rearview, then dials his cell. Poor Man's Robert Davi puts down the Briefcase and answers the call at 9:07:16. VVH tells Poor Man's Robert Davi that he has Witless, although he had to kill Kiefer 2.0. He also figures that anyone following him from the station would have caught up with him by now. Poor Man's Robert Davi says that's true, unless he's being followed by someone who doesn't want him to know he's being followed. Which is correct. But what if nobody was following him, but wanted him to think he was being followed? Or what if VVH is secretly following someone without telling Poor Man's Robert Davi, who in turn is having Kiefer followed without Kiefer's knowledge? Oh, never mind. Poor Man's Robert Davi ends the call by telling VVH to "take precautions." At the exit ramp, the VVH-mobile dives across two lanes of traffic and the tip of the median to get off the freeway. Kiefer watches this from the middle lane, too close behind to follow him down the off-ramp, even if he could without giving himself away. Kiefer guns it to the on-ramp and heads down it in the wrong direction, honking and yelling, "Move!" Stupid sheep, going up the on-ramp the right way. One of the vehicles is the obligatory yellow school bus, although it's visibly empty of students. Kiefer gets to the bottom of the ramp and spots the VVH-mobile turning off the road to his left. Does VVH notice in his rearview the Kiefmobile that just appeared where no vehicle of any kind had any business appearing? No; Kiefer follows the VVH-mobile's turns and pulls onto a residential street with a clear view of the VVH-mobile a block or two ahead. Well played, Kiefer. Too bad that school bus was empty; you could have made that the most exciting field trip ever.

Welcome to the TerrorDome. Terrorists lead DaD, now in a snazzy orange jumpsuit, back to the cell. DoDder asks him if he's all right, and he nods stoically and explains about the announcement and the trial and the timeline, and then kicks a barrel in frustration. DoDder holds out hope that Kiefer and POTUS will find them in time. DaD says he's not worried about himself, but he wishes DoDder hadn't come this morning. As if to underscore the point, Poor Man's Robert Davi enters the cell with a passel of guards and a few printed pages. "This is a list of the offenses you are being charged with." DaD takes the list and looks it over, but sticks his other hand in his jumpsuit pocket rather than taking the proffered pen. "Sign it," orders Poor Man's Robert Davi. DaD refuses and drops the document on the ground. It must be warm in there, which explains why everyone is perspiring so freely, but it doesn't explain why everyone is wearing leather jackets. At some point they stop making you look evil and start making you look like a sweaty moron. I have plenty of time to observe this while DaD and Poor Man's Robert Davi glare at each other. Finally Poor Man's Robert Davi gestures towards DoDder. The guards grab her and throw her against the wall while other guards hold DaD back. "Kill her!" orders Poor Man's Robert Davi, but DaD quickly agrees to sign. He picks it up, signs the front page without reading any of the rest of it, and hands it back. It's not clear whether he signs using his real name or the name "Heywood Jablome." Also, he keeps the pen. That'll learn 'em. It's 9:10:50.

9:15:13. DoDder paces, Witless sweats, Kiefer pursues, and more seconds of Curtis's short life tick past. Driscoll comes out on the floor and learns that she basically has the staff she deserves: Curtis can't find Kiefer, Special Agent Breck is learning nothing from the kidnapping forensics, and Lispy Skip's attempt to trace the webcast is being stymied by braided code, whatever that is. Special Agent Breck gets a call and tells Driscoll it's POTUS. "Make something happen," Driscoll moans, and stomps off to take the call. During a crisis, she would probably be better off calling the president rather than making him call her. That's a rule I plan to live by if it ever applies to my life in any capacity whatsoever.

Driscoll looks pretty unhappy about not having anything new to tell the Prez, other than that Kiefer is trailing a suspect. Keeler asks why they're not bringing him in, and Driscoll says they're working on it. She doesn't say that Kiefer has gone off the reservation and is basically a fugitive as well. Keeler asks if they're going to be able to save DaD and DoDder in time. Driscoll says she hopes so. But she wants to ask him about the possibility of an all-out assault if they find themselves in a situation where they know where DaD is but can't get him out without killing him. POTUS wants to put that decision off for now. Palmer would be proud. End of call. At 9:17:00, Driscoll turns and looks at the freeze-frame of a gagged DaD up on the CTU big-screen.

Curtis's cell-phone rings. It's Aisha Tyler, calling from behind some French doors in a sunny garden somewhere. She wants to know why she hasn't been included in the ongoing employee-exchange program between CTU and the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Curtis tries to blow her off, but she persists until he tells her that he's uncomfortable working with her since he realized that he was shtupping him to further her career. Curtis starts to get seriously pissed off as she decides that she'll talk to Driscoll instead. Then, before she hangs up on him, she punches a code into her phone that causes Curtis's handset to instantly microwave his brain.

The Kiefmobile. Kiefer calls Potato Face's desk. She wants to know what happened with Witless. Kiefer explains. Potato Face tells Kiefer about how Driscoll says he's defying orders. Kiefer says he didn't have a choice. He even repeats Potato Face's words back to her: "She's not handling this the right way." Potato Face warns, "If anything happens to Witless" I'm really interested in how she would have finished that sentence. What could she do to him that's worse than hanging out with him socially? ["Put him in a Winona Ryder vehicle? Oh, wait." -- Sars] But Kiefer cuts her off to say he's doing the best he can and that his priority is to find the terrorists. Potato Face asks why he's calling her, then. Now that Kiefer finally has control over the conversation, he explains that VVH is heading to the canyons and he'll need satellite surveillance. Otherwise VVH will realize that he's being followed on the isolated road. Potato Face rolls her eyes. "You want me to steal satellite bandwidth from CTU without anyone knowing?" "Yes," Kiefer says. "Where are you?" Potato Face says. Whoa, awesome! Who is this woman and what has she done with Potato Face? Kiefer gives her his location. Potato Face looks at her screen and tells Kiefer that traffic cameras will serve well enough for now, but they will need satellite coverage later. He asks her to call back, and she agrees. When she hangs up, Lispy Skip is looming over her. "Who was that?" he asks. "It was personal," Potato Face snits. Lispy Skip lumbers off. Nosy bastard. I swear, CTU must have nosiness as a main criteria for employment. Everyone has to take a nosiness quiz that rates them somewhere from zero to Jamie Farr, and nobody who scores under Joe Namath gets hired.

As he returns to his desk, Special Agent Breck asks him if something's wrong. Lispy Skip says Potato Face is acting strange. If by "strange" you mean "helpful," which, okay. Special Agent Breck pretends not to be concerned, but turns to give Potato Face a suspicious stare. She should just call Potato Face on the videophone and ask to be put on hold.

9:19:29. Curtis enters the Driscube. Driscoll says she just finished talking to Aisha. "Whatever she told you," Curtis says, "it's coming from a very disturbed place." Heh. Driscoll allows that that may be the case, but Aisha is also in possession of classified CTU information. Curtis denies having shared that information with Aisha between thrusts, but Driscoll would rather let Aisha blackmail herself a temp gig than go through all the security nightmares that fixing the breach would represent. She tells Curtis that Aisha's on her way in and he's going to have to deal with it.

subject: how's it going with DiCK? Driscoll turns her monitor to the feed from the camera in DiCK's interrogation room. Curtis is satisfied that DiCK wasn't knowingly involved with the kidnapping, but he's still insisting he didn't tell anyone about DaD's visit, and Curtis isn't totally convinced that's the case. I suggest Curtis play back his tape of the first episode, where DiCK looked kind of surprised to see his DaD in the first place. But since nobody on this show ever listens to me, Driscoll asks why DiCK would protect someone who betrayed him. "Because he's too arrogant to believe that's what happened," Curtis says. Okay, that I can buy. Driscoll says that going through DiCK's phone records will take too long and they need to find another way. "What do you mean?" Curtis asks. "You know what I mean," Driscoll says. Curtis hears the ominous music and says, "We don't even know if he's guilty of anything." "This is how we'll find out," Driscoll says. The floor beneath Curtis collapses and he falls to his death. Driscoll goes back to watching the DiCK channel. Ew, not like that. If she's ordering the torture of the son of the Secretary of Defense, she'd better hope DaD gets killed after all.

9:21:33. At the TerrorHome, TerrorMom is sitting at her TerrorDesk paying her TerrorBills and running TerrorQuicken while TerrorTeen paces the hallway. Finally TerrorTeen approaches her. "Did Father talk to you about Debbie?" he asks. "What about her?" says TerrorMom. TerrorTeen explains about the Briefcase delivery and the following and the hey-hey, and frets that now that Debbie has seen the "warehouse" where they're "holding" DaD, TerrorDad will "" "I didn't realize you felt so strongly about her," TerrorMom coos. She gets up and slowly approaches TerrorTeen, bugging her eyes at him so far out that they're practically prehensile. "What to you want me to do?" she asks. "Talk to him," TerrorTeen says. "He'll listen to you." Yes, the voice of moderation in this scenario is the person who hasn't blinked in ten minutes. "Okay," TerrorMom says. As she explains that TerrorDad is on his way to a meeting and she try to contact him, she reaches out a hand and gently runs her talons along TerrorTeen's face. He smiles, not believing his good luck. I don't believe she didn't just twist his empty head clean off with one hand. It's 9:23:32.

Back at her desk, Potato Face gets an "Access Granted" message on her screen and calls Kiefer with the good news. The bad news is that there's no continuous coverage, so she's going to have to order a satellite reposition. Kiefer tells her that they're in luck, since VVH is pulling into a gas station. Potato Face says that's good, because repositioning the satellites is going to take a while. Yes, Potato Face is going to be manipulating objects in orbit. Those of you reading this in the greater Los Angeles area may want to start wearing skateboard helmets when you go outside. It's 9:48:55.

9:53:11. Potato Face is lost in space. Kiefer stakes out the gas station from inside the parked Kiefmobile. VVH trots into said gas station, presumably having filled his tank and not wanting to pay at the pump using his Terrorist Express card. DaD and DoDder languish some more. At CTU, Aisha appears at Lispy Skip's side and starts shaking him down for info. "The Secretary of Defense has been kidnapped," Skip lisps. Aisha knows that, she says pleasantly, but she's looking for more of a tactical overview. Lispy Skip is too busy to tell her anything, but not too smart, because she doesn't let him walk away until he's told her that Kiefer's off on his own following a terrorist. "All right," Aisha says, with an expression from Lady MacPalmer's Big Book of Ambiguously Evil Half-Smiles.

It's dark in DiCK's interrogation room, and he's sitting there wearing a silver eyeshade and headphones, hooked up to boxes on the table. His head's weaving around like he's experiencing his own personal Laser Floyd show. Curtis comes in and removes the headphones. Whatever DiCK's been listening to, it doesn't have a beat, but you can probably dance to it provided you've ingested enough Thorazine. Curtis also takes off the eyeshade and turns the light on. DiCK squints painfully as Curtis turns down the sound box. Curtis asks how long DiCK thinks he's been getting the weeoowee treatment. DiCK thinks it's been about three to four hours. Curtis tells him its been less than thirty minutes, and DiCK starts getting weepy. "Time is the first thing you lose track of," Curtis says, "and it only gets worse." Yes, after Laser Floyd you get Laser Skynyrd. And the floor gets nasty during those shows. Dick complains some more, and maintains that he's told them everything. Curtis isn't impressed. He puts the eyeshade and the headphones back on DiCK's head, turns the weeoowee back up, hits the lights, and leaves DiCK alone with his loud, bouncy freak-out.

9:56:42. At the gas station, there's quite a line for the register. VVH makes a hilarious annoyed face as the guy two places ahead of him in line dumps a fistful of change on the counter. Missed that the first time. Kiefer calls Potato Face to ask where she is on her science project. She says it's going to be a while longer, there's nothing she can do about it, and Kiefer's going to have to find a way to keep VVH at the station for a while.