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Kiefer and Driscoll are still butting heads, but now it's over how best to get Devane and Daughter back. Driscoll reluctantly sends Kiefer into the field. The TerrorFamily continues carrying out whatever mysterious plan they're running, but all of the intel and all of the equipment and all of the training represented by CTU is actually less of a threat to them than the teenage son's clingy, clueless girlfriend. Devaneâs pinko son, the only surviving witness to the kidnapping, is at CTU for questioning, and it doesnât look like anyoneâs real committed to being particularly nice to him. Kiefer's operation to try to bring in Potato Face's friend goes south for the same reasons these things always go south, i.e., People Not Listening To Kiefer. The internet threat turns out to be connected to Devane's kidnapping, because the bad guys succeed in hijacking the entire internet and webcasting the announcement that Devane is going to be tried live, online, for war crimes against humanity. What. Ever. Devane and Daughter's only hope is Kiefer, who finishes the episode in hot pursuit of the guy who grabbed Potato Face's Hacker Friend, the only existing lead in the entire case. How are we going to survive the suspense until the episode starts in twenty-two hours? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on 24 (quite a bit less previously than usual, in fact, since in North America the episode just ended three and a half minutes ago, but just in case you're that guy from Memento): Someone robbed a train, sort of, by blowing it up and then stealing a briefcase. In the wake of the bombing, CTU searched for TerrorTurk. Who, in turn, coordinated the delivery of the briefcase to the TerrorFamily. Potato Face had a friend from Hacker School who spotted the makings of a major internet attack. He alerted Potato Face; then people came and killed his coworkers, but he got away. Kiefer told his girlfriend that he didn't miss his old job, but less than an hour after arriving at CTU on totally unrelated business, he had TerrorTurk bleeding out through his femoral artery and confessing to a plan to target Kiefer's boss, the Secretary of Defense. Said Secretary of Defense tried to browbeat his peacenik son into bailing on a protest rally, and then got kidnapped by extraordinarily well-organized terrorists, along with his daughter, Kiefer's girlfriend. Shit got blowed up real good. One episode. Over two minutes of previouslies. You do the math. By the end of the season, there won't be any time for the actual episode.
The following takes place between 8:00 AM and 9:00 AM. It would kill this show to get a nice long title sequence that I wouldn't have to recap every week?
The LAPD are already on the scene in DiCK's shabby neighborhood, drawn by the burning car and the pitched gun battle. One can imagine someone giving directions to the 911 dispatcher: "No, the other burning car. Two blocks over. And one block up. No, the other one, on the east side of the street. Yeah, that one. No, wait." Anyway, the fuzz go into DiCK's house, presumably because it's the only one with an open door, and find DiCK cowering against the refrigerator. "They took my father and my sister," he reports weepily. And his shampoo, apparently.
In a garage somewhere nearby, the brown van carrying DaD and DoDder pulls in. The abductees are rushed from the vehicle to a white van in seconds, and everyone's back on the road almost immediately. It's very Grand Theft Auto.
Down CTU way, someone has kicked over quite the anthill of activity. Kiefer has commandeered a phone and is calling the Secret Service down on the scene of the kidnapping. I have no idea who, specifically, he's talking to. Presumably it's the poor, unsung people in some call center in Bangalore that's dedicated to taking exposition at the top of every hour. Their jobs must suck. Driscoll takes the floor to announce DaD's abduction to the assembled CTU minions. We also learn that DoDder's actual job title is "Senior Policy Analyst." Which is why she runs his schedule and takes his calls, but whatever; Potato Face is supposed to be CTU's top computer genius, and she does that stuff too. What the hell's the point of getting promoted in the 24-verse anyway? You still have to do scut work, and your risk of death is significantly elevated. Driscoll says something about interagency protocols and puts everyone to work. Special Agent Breck dashes over to Lispy Skip, telling him to "move off that page" and go to the Secret Service Channel. Secret Service Channel? That right there is a powerful reason to get satellite TV. Lispy Skip complains that he's locked out of the Secret Servers because the rest of the Cabinet is being sequestered. Special Agent Breck tells him not to worry about that, and to hack in if he has to. This little exchange is never mentioned again, at least in this episode. Curtis gives Potato Face a bunch of orders in technobabble, but she's already carried them out. He gives up and says, "What haven't you done?" Potato Face technobabbles some more and Curtis says, "Do it." Potato Face is on her way. Seems like Curtis could have saved some time by just cutting to that last question, but that myocardial infarction that just dropped him to the floor kind of renders my criticism moot.
Kiefer gets off his cell phone and addresses Driscoll, who's already headed his way with a pair of redshirts in tow. Kiefer reminds Driscoll that DaD is his responsibility and he needs Driscoll to reinstate him provisionally until DaD is safe. Driscoll has a better idea: she's going to have Kiefer detained, turned over to Division, and probably arrested "for torturing a suspect and rendering him useless for questioning." Kiefer defensives that they weren't getting anywhere with TerrorTurk and that Kiefer got him to tell everything he knows. "You better hope so," Driscoll says, and orders the guards to escort Kiefer to a vacant office. "You're making a mistake," Kiefer says as he goes with the guards. I don't see why he doesn't just take command of CTU again and reinstate his own damn self. He used to do stuff like that all the time. Lispy Skip appears in front of Driscoll with the news that President Keeler wants to talk to her. Potato Face watches all of this, potato-facedly.
At 8:05:42, Driscoll takes the call from POTUS, who's still at cruising altitude. Keeler wants to know what Driscoll knows about the abduction, which isn't a lot yet. There's been no contact from the kidnappers. Is that really such a bad sign after, like, six minutes? Keeler also wants to know why the Secret Service wasn't able to protect DaD. Driscoll tells him that somehow the kidnappers had access to the information that the Secretary changed his schedule to visit DiCK, and they're looking into that now. She doesn't mention that the Secret Service was seriously outmanned and outgunned. Or, for that matter, that maybe Keeler should take his question up with the Treasury Department rather than quizzing whatever random middle-ranking government official he gets on the blower. "Get him back, Erin," Keeler orders.
Elsewhere, a middle-aged woman in a nice suburban house stops folding laundry long enough to answer her cell phone. It's Witless on the other end of the line, still riding his bike but now using his hands-free phone to warn his mom to get out of the house. MamaWitless, who looks nothing like Kelly McGillis and almost certainly never did, is at first irritated, then dismissive, and finally scared as Witless tells him that people who killed everyone in his office are now after him. MamaWitless says she's going to call the police, but Witless tells her to leave the house first, and then hangs up. MamaWitless scoops up her laundry and leaves the room, just in time to for us see a dark but clean-cut figure lurking just outside her French doors.
Kiefer stews in his office/holding cell. At 8:07:28, Potato Face shows up outside the door, briefly talks with Kiefer's guard, and gains admittance. She tells Kiefer she'll probably get in trouble for coming to him. Kiefer wants to know why she's bothering, since he's being detained and all. "Because I don't think Driscoll's handling this the right way," Potato Face says. "And I don't trust her. I trust you." Kiefer looks at her for a second. Sometimes the power of the Velvet surprises even he who wields it. He invites her to sit down. Potato Face tells Kiefer all about Witless, and why she thinks the internet threat Witless spotted is connected to everything else. Kiefer thinks she's on to something. "Where's your friend now?" Kiefer asks.
He's at Los Angeles Union Station, as it happens, wandering nervously and joining a small group of people gathered around a video monitor. The cable news network that shares a name with the one that carries this show already has a reporter at the scene of DaD and DoDder's kidnapping. Apparently that channel is a legitimate news source in the 24-verse. Good to know. Witless's cell phone rings; it's Potato Face, on speakerphone. "What did you do?" Witless demands of her. "Who did you tell?" Potato Face asks him what he means, and he tearfully explains all about all the killing and stuff. Kiefer steps into the call, identifying himself and bringing some of that Velvet to bear on the freaked-out but potentially important person in his case, the way he does. Unfortunately for both of them, we now see that their call is being listened in on by Clean-Cut Minion, the one from Witless's office massacree, who's using a complicated device involving a cell phone and a briefcase computer of some sort that's telling him "CELLULAR NODE CLONED." Kiefer tells Witless not to leave town, but to sit tight and let Kiefer come and pick him up. Witless earns his nickname yet again by asking Potato Face for her advice. "You can trust Kiefer," Potato Face says. Until Kiefer decides to sacrifice you for the greater good, that is. He has a tendency to do that sometimes. Witless tells her, Kiefer, and the eavesdropping Clean-Cut Minion exactly where in the train station he'll be and what he's wearing. D'oh! Kiefer promises to be there in thirty minutes. I guess he's decided that he's done being detained. After the call ends, Potato Face beats herself up. Hey, that's my job! She regrets letting Driscoll talk her into handing the internet lead over to the FBI. "She did what?" Kiefer demands.
Back at the house, Clean0Cut Minion snaps his phone-phreaking briefcase shut and grabs a snapshot of Witless and MamaWitless off a table. I hope that's a recent picture, because MamaWitless isn't going to be in any more photo sessions, what with that large gash in her throat leaking onto her hardwood floor. As Clean-Cut Minion leaves the house, he calls TerrorDad on the phone to update him on the sitch. TerrorDad's instructions: find Witless, find out who he's talked to, and then kill him. As TerrorDad hangs up, we see that he's looking inside the Briefcase that was stolen from the train. We can't see what's in it, but it doesn't appear to be glowing. TerrorDad shuts the case reverently as TerrorMom approaches, confirming that "everything" is "in there." She puts her hands on the closed case, offering to deliver it to "Omar" herself. She looks like she just wants a little alone time with it, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. TerrorDad wants to stick with the plan. "This is the key to everything we're doing today," TerrorMom coos. "It's a lot to entrust to an idiot." Or maybe she says "teenager." TerrorDad reminds her that their whereabouts have to be accounted for today and that TerrorTeen is the chosen courier because of the unlikelihood that he'll attract suspicion. TerrorDad assures her that everything is going as planned, that "Omar" is "happy" and "knows" that TerrorTeen will "deliver" the "device" and that TerrorTeen will be "fine." TerrorMom sweeps her Manson Lamps all over the set like a pair of searchlights during an air raid while TerrorDad moves in for the kiss-kiss.
8:12:30. At CTU, the violent kidnapping of a Cabinet member can only mean one thing: meeting! Special Agent Breck is working on finding a connection between the train bombing and the abduction by going through a list of passenger names. Driscoll asks if it's possible that DiCK had anything to do with it. Curtis uses his last breath to explain that they're not ruling anything out, then collapses from anaphylactic shock brought on by an allergic reaction to concrete. Kiefer walks right into the meeting and asks to speak with Driscoll privately. I think a certain redshirt is going to get a black mark on his annual review. Driscoll passes out assignments and clears out the conference room. Once she's alone with Kiefer, he lowers the boom: "I have information that you ignored that appears to be connected not only to the bombing but to the abduction of DaD as well." Driscoll smoothly tells him that she passed along Witless's lead to the FBI. Kiefer reminds her that that was against CTU protocol, and now all of Witless's coworkers are dead. Driscoll takes this in and calmly assures Kiefer that they'll take the lead back. Kiefer's like, nuh-uh, I'm bringing Witless in because I'm the only one who knows where he is: "If you want that kid picked up, you're going to have to reinstate me." Driscoll tells Kiefer she's going to have him locked up for impeding the investigation. Kiefer says if she does, he'll tattle to the president about her failure to break TerrorTurk for an hour before DaD's abduction. "Are you threatening me, Kiefer?" she asks threateningly. Kiefer's says that he's just asking her to let him help. She turns away, takes a moment, and shakes her head in frustration. Right here is when I start feeling kind of bad for this actress, because it's obvious that nobody on the show has yet decided what her character is going to turn out to be -- is she incompetent? Is she evil? Is she a mole? Is she really well-intentioned but just misunderstood? Is she a paper towel or isn't she? So as a result, they can't let her commit to a specific direction, and being stuck on dead center is making her come off as having this weird lack of affect. It's annoying, but I don't think it's her fault. ["Also, give the lady a hot oil. Good or evil, she's got some dry ends." -- Sars] Anyway, she turns back to Kiefer and lays out her terms: he's going to be working under Kiefer 2.0 temporarily, until DaD is safe, and then she's handing him over to Division. It's 8:14:52.
8:19:04. TerrorDad scowls, Witless prowls, and Driscoll mentally growls. Out in the desert somewhere, a couple of minions unlock the gated entrance to a terror compound. Yet a third van zips through the gates and enters the facility, which is being patrolled by dudes with machine guns. The van comes to a stop outside a building and DaD and DoDder, still bound and blindfolded, are dragged out. "(Grunting angrily)," says my closed captioning. They're brought inside a warehouse and forced to their knees, and their gags and blindfolds are removed. They have a frightened, whispered conference. DoDder asks what's going to happen. DaD doesn't know, but he knows that if they wanted him dead they would have killed him at DiCK's house. They figure DiCK is probably safe, but DaD tells DoDder that the kidnappers have no reason to hurt her and he doesn't want her to give them one. He tells her to do what they say no matter what happens to him. The kidnapping krew's boss, a Poor Man's Robert Davi, comes into the room. "I only asked for DaD," he growls. The head kidnapper says he didn't want to kill DoDder without the boss's permission. This only earns him a filthy look from Poor Man's Robert Davi, which is enough for him to order DoDder dragged to her feet so he can hold a gun to her head. After a moment's commotion, Poor Man's Robert Davi seems to recognize the leverage that having DoDder gives him over DaD, and tells his men to take them both away. It's 8:22:01 as the sweaty pair is dragged off. The sweaty pair of people, you pervs.
Back at CTU, Kiefer pedeconferences with Potato Face and gives her the news that Driscoll's put him back in business. Potato Face hopes Kiefer didn't rat her out, since she's "not in the mood for a confrontation." She has other moods? Potato Face tells Kiefer that only one Secret Service agent survived the kidnapping, and he's in surgery. The only other witness, DiCK, is on his way in to CTU for questioning. Kiefer asks her to keep him posted, and starts to move away. "Bad luck about DoDder being there when her DaD got kidnapped," Potato Face says, which is a surprisingly functional and sensitive thing for her to say. Kiefer stops in his tracks. "Yeah," he says. But then he's off to his car to "get my things."
Kiefer 2.0 is up in Driscoll's Kube, and he's not reacting well to the news that Kiefer's going out in the field with him. You know, after not being "in the field for a year and a half" and "illegally shooting a suspect" and various other hair-splitting objections. Tight-ass. Driscoll tells him it's the only way Kiefer will play along. Kiefer 2.0 reminds Driscoll that Kiefer's not in a position to withhold information, but Driscoll doesn't have time to interrogate him. And she's not asking Kiefer 2.0 to go along with this, either; she's ordering him. "Fine," Kiefer 2.0 snits, and walks out. Driscoll looks like she can't wait to fire Kiefer all over again.
At the TerrorHome, TerrorTeen presents himself to TerrorMom and tells her he's ready to go. She holds out the Briefcase to him, telling him it's "a simple task, but these are the ones where mistakes can be made." He is to drive carefully, and if he sees anyone suspicious in the area, he should drive away and call home. He takes the briefcase from her at 8:23:53, just as the phone rings. "Helleew?" TerrorMom sings into the receiver. Guess what? It's Debbie. She appears to be sitting in her car somewhere. And you won't believe this, but she looks the tiniest bit like Spawn. Oh, goody. When TerrorTeen hears who it is, he stops short on his way out the door and turns around. TerrorMom mutes the phone and hisses at him, "What does she want?" Instead of saying, "I keep telling her Muslims aren't into pork," he says he doesn't know and takes the phone. "I left, like, ten messages on your cell phone," Debbie stresses at TerrorTeen. "Why haven't you called me back?" Um, asked and answered. Rent Swingers some time, Debbie. TerrorTeen tries to blow her off, because his mom is standing right there, but you can tell he doesn't really want to blow her off, and Debbie, if possible, is even less inclined to be blown off. She comes right out and accuses him of seeing someone else. TerrorTeen finally just hangs up on her. TerrorMom advises TerrorTeen that he needs to make clear to Debbie that there won't be any more phone calls. TerrorTeen morosely promises to take care of it later and picks up the briefcase, saying he doesn't "want" to be "late" getting "this" to "Omar."
Driscoll is in her office, and now she's having to justify her decision to send Kiefer out into the field to Curtis. Potato Face sneaks in to tell Curtis that DiCK has arrived and is on his way to holding. Curtis thanks her and heads out, but a freak temblor sets up a sympathetic vibration in Driscoll's office door and sends millions of shards of glass whickering into his vitals. Potato Face is about to leave too, but Driscoll asks her to stay. She's got a question: "Has it occurred to you that we might be farther along if you trusted me half as much as you trust Kiefer?" Potato Face isn't too contrite, and reminds Driscoll of the important information from Witless that Driscoll ignored. Driscoll continues with the Socratic discipline, asking Potato Face why she didn't bring up the internet lead again once TerrorTurk was in custody. Potato Face has to confess that she felt more comfortable going to Kiefer. "Well at least that's honest," Driscoll says, her voice positively dripping with nothing. "You can go back to work now." Potato Face does. Okay, a boss who can't scare suspects is bad enough, but a boss who can't even scare her employees is useless.
Kiefer 2.0 signs out a weapon at the counter, while Famous Original Kiefer dumps his garment bag there to be checked. Kiefer has changed out of his suit and into more casual clothes, including a five-eighths-length coat that has the unfortunate effect of making him look even shorter. As if putting him to Kiefer 2.0 wasn't bad enough. Kiefer 2.0 tells Kiefer that he doesn't agree with Driscoll's decision, and that he's going to be giving the orders. Kiefer agrees, and explains why he busted in on Kiefer 2.0's questioning and maimed his suspect earlier. "Apology accepted," Kiefer 2.0 says, "but if you try to exceed my authority again I will stop you cold." He holds Kiefer's upturned gaze for a moment, then walks on. Kiefer watches expressionlessly, then scurries on his bitty little legs to catch up. Okay, I'll stop now. It's 8:27:24.
8:31:37. Throngs crowd Union Station, minions patrol the TerrorDome, and the Kiefers are on the road. Kiefer is in the shotgun seat and on the phone with the Pentagon, presumably, asking them to send all of DaD's death threats to CTU for analysis. After he hangs up, Kiefer 2.0 asks if DaD gets a lot of death threats. Kiefer blows the question off. Kiefer 2.0 asks about working in DC. Kiefer blows that off too, as well as the question. "Hey, man, I'm just trying to make some conversation," Kiefer 2.0 finally says. Kiefer would apparently just as soon Kiefer 2.0 made some monologue. But Kiefer 2.0 asks Kiefer about his feelings when Driscoll fired him. Kiefer maintains that Driscoll did him a favor, because he wanted to get his life back. Kiefer 2.0 asks how that's working out. "Yeah, I got a life," Kiefer whispers, looking at the half of the split screen that's now occupied by a caged DoDder.
It's 8:33:15. DaD and DoDder languish in their chain-link cell. DaD, his tie unknotted, tries to reassure a clearly stressed DoDder. He figures that since Kiefer tried to warn them, he must have a reliable source, which means their chances are good. DoDder doesn't seem too reassured. DaD sits her down and exhorts her to think positive: "Say it. We will be rescued." She says it, and manages a small smile. He kisses her on the forehead. Right on cue, the head of the kidnapping crew has the guards open the cell door. "Take off your clothes," he says to DaD. "You first," DaD says cheerily. Kidnapper repeats the order. DaD sighs, slips the tie from around his neck, slowly and carefully folds it into a square, and flings it at Kidnapper's chest. "Go to hell," he says. I guess only he gets to provoke the kidnappers. Duly provoked, they storm into the cell amid the sound of ripping cloth. That was a nice suit, too.
8:35:24. TerrorTeen drives the TerrorPickup to the chain-link gate of the TerrorDome. There's the briefest glimpse of a sign proclaiming the site to be a construction and building supply company. TerrorTeen gets out of the truck, walks to the gate, picks up the phone handset in a box there, identifies himself to the voice on the other end, and waits. A man meets TerrorTeen at the gate and takes the Briefcase. "Good job, TerrorTeen," he says, and goes back inside. TerrorTeen walks back to the truck, but as he's just about to get in, he spots a flash of red autobody through the bushes. Uh-oh. It could be government agents, or a rival terror gang, or some seriously pissed-off guys from Mossad. But no, it's worse. Much, much worse. It's his girlfriend. TerrorTeen asks what she's doing here, and she duhs that she followed him because she thought he was seeing someone else. He invites her to look around the barren desert setting and demands, "Does it look like I'm seeing someone else?" He says that TerrorDad doesn't like him socializing when he's working, which Debbie gets, but it doesn't explain why he stopped calling her. Maybe it's because she's an asshole. ["She could use a hot oil, too. Moisturizing shampoo, 24-udlians. Look into it." -- Sars] TerrorTeen tries to talk around the whole issue with his parents not wanting him to see her, and the poor dumb girl manages to extract a promise from him to get together and straighten it out later. She kisses him, and they part ways. Naturally, even though the current Briefcase Man shouldn't have been able to see this from inside the TerrrorDome due to the curve in the road, he does anyway. It's 8:38:36.
8:42:49. DoDder sweats behind the fence, as does DaD, who in a continuity boo-boo is back in his suit. Keeler paces the center aisle of Air Force One, and Witless waits to be picked up. At CTU, Curtis asks Special Agent Breck whether everything's set up for DiCK's questioning. Special Agent Breck says it is, and asks Curtis whether Driscoll knows that the Secretary of Defense's son is about to be subjected to a polygraph test. "Yep," Curtis says. Special Agent Breck asks if DiCK is a suspect. Curtis doesn't want to rule anything out. They meet up with Driscoll in the hallway, and the boss says she'll watch from behind the one-way glass. As Curtis enters the interrogation room, DiCK is unsurprisingly not too keen on being hooked up to a lie detector. Curtis tries to calm DiCK down with the classic pre-violation-of-civil-rights question, "You don't have anything to hide, do you?" DiCK says he doesn't. In the monitoring room, Special Agent Breck tells Driscoll that the lie detector is working fine. Driscoll looks duly blank. Oh, and then Curtis is fatally mauled by a bear.
TerrorDad is sitting and working at a TerrorTable in the TerrorHouse when TerrorTeen comes home at 8:44:55. "How did everything go?" TerrorDad asks without looking at his son. "It went fine," TerrorTeen asks. TerrorDad nods, and then in one motion he stands up from the chair and backhands TerrorTeen across the mush. Ow. TerrorTeen is actually named Behrooz, but we may need to start calling him "Bruise" soon. TerrorDad sits his son down and gets him to confess to having talked to Debbie outside the TerrorDome. "Where is she now?" TerrorDad asks. TerrorTeen assures him that she didn't see anything. TerrorDad says that seeing him "outside the compound" is "enough." They've spent "years" "preparing" for "this day" and now TerrorTeen has "compromised everything." He wants TerrorTeen to call Debbie and tell her to come over. Suddenly TerrorTeen doesn't seem to want to see her quite so much. TerrorDad lectures TerrorTeen about the "almost five" years they've spent "in this country" "preparing for this day." He again tells TerrorTeen to call her, and walks off, leaving him staring at the phone.
8:46:54. Team Kiefer has arrived at the train station, where they're greeted by a guy from the Metro Transit Authority. He offers to shut down the track where Witless is waiting, but Kiefer 2.0 doesn't want to attract attention. Meanwhile, Witless takes a cell phone call from Potato Face, who just tells him to sit tight. When he hangs up, the Clean-Cut Minion is standing in front of him, greeting him by name and claiming to be Kiefer. In a nice touch, the guy's voice sounds like one that could be mistaken for Kiefer's if one had only ever heard Kiefer over a cell phone. A nation swoons at the tragedy that would represent. Witless goes above-ground with the Velveteen-Voiced One. Team Kiefer arrives at the rendezvous point just seconds too late. Kiefer whips out his cell phone and dials. Witless's cell phone rings, and when the real Kiefer identifies himself, Witless's face tells the Velveteen-Voiced One that this particular jig is up. "Let's go," he grates, taking away Witless's phone and sticking a gun in his ribs. Kiefer realizes that the bad guys got to Witless before he did, even though he can't figure out how. Kiefer starts barking orders to the MTA guy, telling him to have his people be on the lookout for a stupid-looking hacker being taken away against his will. "Now," Kiefer finishes. When? At 8:49:05, that's when.
8:53:20. Driscoll continues to give nothing away because there's nothing to give away, Potato Face works the phone, DoDder peers through the wires of her cage, and DiCK frets on an interrogation monitor. At the train station, the Velveteen-Voiced One is dragging Witless to a dark blue Lexus. A guard station attendant named Marx (as in Marxed For Death) spots them and walkie-talkies the MTA guy to let him and the Kiefers know. The Kiefers are on their way to intercept. Outside, V-VO is piling Witless into his car, taking car to bind his wrists and duct-tape his mouth before telling him to lie down in the back seat. Marx marks all of this. It's 8:54:37 as the V-VO-mobile winds its way through the parking lot to the guard station, considerably slowed down by road construction. In the parking lot. Understandably frustrating, and believable since the roads around our international airport are scheduled to be under construction for the fifty years or so, and have been since the '60s. The 1860s. ["I just assumed they shot this at JFK. Bite me, long-term parking." -- Sars]
This gives the Kiefers time to get outside and spot the V-VO-mobile. Kiefer 2.0 tells Kiefer to cover the exit gate while he gets the car. Kiefer's on it, but then he has second thoughts; he wants to let the Velveteen-Voiced One escape and hope that he leads them to DaD. Kiefer 2.0 refuses, on the grounds that it'll probably get Witless killed. But Kiefer is insistent, as Kiefer so often is. Kiefer 2.0 gets out his cell phone to call for authorization, but Kiefer grabs his wrist to stop him. Kiefer 2.0 looks at him all, "Oh, no you di'in't. "I can't take the risk of Driscoll resisting me," Kiefer explains. Kiefer 2.0 grabs Kiefer's coat. Their eyes lock as a nation waits for them to begin making out. But Kiefer's move is not a romantic one; he and his successor trade blows, and in a surprisingly realistic turn of events, the current Kiefer brings the old one down. Kiefer writhes on the ground as Kiefer 2.0 holds him at gunpoint, reminding him that he warned Kiefer not to go against him. Kiefer 2.0 cuffs Kiefer to a handy railing as a gate guard asks him over the walkie-talkie what he should do about the Velveteen-Voiced One approaching the gate. Kiefer 2.0 responds that the guard should "lock in the hostile." Said hostile has by now noticed Kiefer 2.0 darting around in his blind spot, and when Kiefer 2.0 makes his move, the Velveteen-Voiced One fells him with two shots. Kiefer watches in shock. V-VO then shoots the gate agent, and he's out in the open. Kiefer asks Kiefer 2.0 where he's been hit, then if he can move, then for the keys to the cuffs. Kiefer 2.0's nonverbal responses are, in order: somewhere bad, just barely, and, with his last erg of life, here you go. Kiefer unlocks himself, pauses to make sure Kiefer 2.0 is dead (by checking his pulse, not by shooting him again, in case that wasn't clear), and hares off in pursuit of the Velveteen-Voiced One. Yes, it only took until 8:57:55 to get Kiefer back behind the wheel of his own Sport Utility Kiefmobile.
Back at CTU, Curtis is questioning DiCK, who is describing the abduction of his father and his sister in much the same way that we saw it at the end of the last episode. Driscoll, watching, is interrupted by Lispy Skip, who informs her that she's needed out on the floor. Why? Because somebody has hijacked the entire internet and is now showing a webcast of DaD. Driscoll, Special Agent Breck, and Curtis follow Lispy Skip out on to the floor as they shrink into the upper half of the screen. On the lower right, TerrorTeen keeps trying and failing to collect the courage to make the worst breakup call ever while TerrorMom looks concerned in the lower left.
Kiefer gets the whole screen to himself again as, somewhere in front of him on the road, the V-VO-mobile gives itself away with a boisterous lane change. "There you are, you son of a bitch," Kiefer breathes.
An Arab-accented voice, speaking English, is ringing out over the CTU floor. It's typical nonspecific America-is-genocidal crap, but what's creepy as fuck is the image, which is three men in black, their faces covered by dark kaffiyehs, with DaD sitting or kneeling bound and gagged in front of them. After some of the footage of hostage executions that's been around the internet in the past year, this is chilling. And not necessarily in a good way. DaD's in his undershirt with a newspaper duct-taped to his chest. He looks uninjured as he stares clear-eyed into the camera, his face raised in Devane defiance. The masked announcer says that DaD has been taken into custody and will be tried for war crimes against humanity in three hours. "If he is proven guilty, he will be executed in accordance with our laws. Since we have nothing to hide" -- always a powerful statement coming from someone in a mask -- "the world will have full access to these proceedings." I assume he means by webcast, not in person. It's 9:00:00
on 24: Driscoll's pissed at Kiefer for breaking their deal, DoDder is threatened some more, DiCK either gets tortured or really whiny, TerrorMom encourages her son to break up with his girlfriend firmly, finally, and with a handgun, and Kiefer's doing something that involves a ski mask and a gun of his own. All of which will probably have actually happened by the time you read this, but I got a job to do here.