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Fighter planes! Blowing stuff up! And it's a good thing too, because (a) Special Agent Charlie Brown and Spawn talk about Their Relationship, to which Tater Tot is less of an obstacle than Potato Face's prying nose; and (b) the Byzantine stupidity of the Lady Mac plotline spirals to new depths and the Brothers Palmer make their dumbest move to date. And I don't say that lightly. Kiefer catches up to Soul Patch in short order and takes over management of the Spawnders/Bitchelle exchange. Bitchelle fakes affliction by the V-I-R-U-S to escape, but Kiefer, suffering a temporary attack of Palmeritis, tells her to let herself get caught again. At the swap, Spawnders loses her nerve and breaks into a sprint, Saunders breaks cover, and an army of CTU agents breaks everything. Even so, it looks like Saunders might get away at the last minute, but Kiefer is able to nab him. And you know why? Fighter planes! Blowing stuff up! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on 24: The Brothers Palmer found out that Lady Mac had met with Palmer's challenger, Senator Keeler, but they didn't know why. But we knew her purpose was to offer Keeler the chance to blackmail Palmer over a murder she'd committed. It's even dumber than it sounds. Kiefer was suspicious of Soul Patch, and relieved him of command. Saunders had Bitchelle, and wanted to force Soul Patch to trade her for Spawnders. Soul Patch led a suspicious Spawnders out the back door of CTU. Potato Face figured out what Soul Patch was up to and she told Kiefer, but by then it was too late. Soul Patch called in to tell Saunders he'd gotten Spawnders out, and Kiefer found out that Soul Patch and Spawnders were gone. Nobody said a word about a V-I-R-U-S. The following takes place between 10:00 AM and 11:00 AM.
We catch up with Kiefer in mid-frenzy. He orders Potato Face to cue up the last ten minutes of security camera footage from every exit, and Adam the Woman Hater to tap into the California Department of Transportation's traffic surveillance system. I'm sure Soul Patch is too smart for that. Special Agent Charlie Brown appears with this news break: "I just heard Soul Patch took Spawnders out of the building without authorization." Kiefer confirms it, and explains about the swap Soul Patch plans to make for Bitchelle. Charlie Brown reminds the audience that Spawnders is the only leverage they have, and Kiefer cuts him off. Hey, did anyone tell Special Agent Charlie Brown that he could stop covering the back entrance of the Nebuchadnezzar? Potato Face finds and plays the footage of Soul Patch and Spawnders leaving, and Kiefer reports to Adam that they're in "a silver SUV." He can tell that from a black-and-white image? He's good. Kiefer orders Special Agent Charlie Brown to prepare a tactical team and be ready to go. Adam, meanwhile, has already found the Soul Patch-mobile a half-mile away, based on Kiefer's oh-so-precise information. Wow, Adam's good, too. And I guess I was wrong about Soul Patch being too smart to get caught that way. Kiefer books.
Soul Patch's silver SUV -- a conspicuously non-Ford model -- barrels down the street. He nearly rear-ends another vehicle at the traffic light. I say it would have served the other driver right for just sitting through an entire yellow light without moving, but Spawnders asks if Soul Patch is okay. He tries to blow it off, but her Spawn-dar is going crazy.
At Saunders's Lair 2.0, he approaches the minion guarding Bitchelle (who, now that I'm looking at him again, kind of resembles a poor man's version of Will Sasso from Mad TV) to let him know that the swap is on and he's going to need to be ready to move. Bitchelle watches this through the window into her room, looking pissed off. After Saunders is gone, she bangs on the grid and lets the guard know what's up: "At least eight hundred people are dead or dying at Inn Fection…you'll be infected along with everyone else! Whatever Saunders is paying you, it's not worth losing your life!" I don't know, that might depend on the health plan. Bitchelle delivers her speech angrily and with a complete lack of fear or desperation, and it's awesome. I wonder if the V-I-R-U-S is less scary than the thought of having Bitchelle mad at me.
At CTU, Special Agent Charlie Brown, not rocking his kevlar vest nearly as well as Kiefer rocks his, flags down Spawn, who's just moseying by as if she doesn't have a job to do. He explains that he's on standby until Saunders turns up, but before he has to go he wants to talk to her -- "about us." Fine, let's get it over with. Spawn seems to agree with me, going by her closed-off body language. Among other things, she's worried about the issue of Tater Tot, and that Special Agent Charlie Brown's job means he's likely to be as crummy a father as Kiefer was. Special Agent Charlie Brown offers to transfer out of Field Ops. Spawn admits that she wants to stay with him, and that she's willing to raise a child with him -- after only three months together, even -- but she won't raise one for him. Best Spawn line ever.
10:08:28. Kiefer drives a big black Kiefmobile -- this one a Ford, because Kiefer's using it to Do The Right Thing -- while getting location updates on the phone from Adam. Adam sends Kiefer to the intersection of Hill and Vine, two streets which don't intersect as far as I can tell, but Kiefer's on the case. Adam rattles off a few more street names that I don't feel like looking up any more. Dammit, he lost me!
In the Patchmobile, Spawnders confronts Soul Patch. Under her relentless interrogation, he cracks and reveals that he's bringing her back to her father and why. Let's hope he never gets caught and questioned by an actual terrorist. Spawnders isn't too pleased, but she manages not to freak out. She asks Soul Patch how he knows Saunders won't kill Bitchelle anyway, and Soul Patch says he doesn't have a choice. For a moment, the enormity of his situation seems to overwhelm him, and he sort of checks out for a few seconds. Bad timing, because that's when the Big Black Kiefmobile appears and, in a confusing bit of vehicular choreography, drives him off the road and into a photogenically arranged line of metal garbage cans. Kiefer's immediately out of his truck, gun in hand, pointing it at Soul Patch and ordering him to put his own gun on the dash. Kiefer kicks an overturned trash can aside as he moves closer, in case you thought he wasn't serious. Soul Patch looks completely beaten down, and he complies, as he does with Kiefer's order to step out of his SUV. Kiefer secures both their weapons as he reassures Spawnders that everything's going to be fine. Spawnders looks like she doesn't know who to root for. Soul Patch spills about Bitchelle and Saunders and the trade and all that, which of course Kiefer already knows, but he "can't let that happen." Soul Patch argues that he already almost lost Bitchelle once today, and he's not going to lose her again. Kiefer understands; he's been there. Soul Patch points out that Kiefer himself set the precedent of going all lone wolf when this happens, and Kiefer says it's different now because millions of lives are at stake. Soul Patch snaps, "Oh, rules apply to other people but not to you, right, Kiefer?" He's just now getting that? Maybe we should call him Slow Patch. He tries to bargain with Kiefer, offering to turn himself in if Kiefer just helps him make the trade, but Kiefer isn't having it. He assures Soul Patch that Bitchelle doesn't have to die; they'll string Saunders along to lure him into the open, where Special Agent Charlie Brown's strike team can take him down. Soul Patch freaks at the very idea, but Kiefer tells him Saunders won't know they're there. I assume he means he won't know before they nab his Eurotrash ass, because it's going to be tough to question him afterwards without giving up the game. Kiefer deploys the velvet until Soul Patch realizes he's got no choice but to work with Kiefer. He tells Kiefer about the fictitious intersection he has to be at in five minutes. Kiefer gazes at him lovingly, thanks him, puts a hand on his shoulder, and tells him he's doing the right thing. Kiefer hops into the back of the Patchmobile. I always knew those two would end up together. It's 10:12:01.
10:16:14. Bitchelle schemes, a map of Los Angeles has broken out in boils, and Soul Patch drives. The map is displayed on a wall-sized monitor at Division, where Brother Palmer is explaining to Palmer that the red circles on the map indicate quarantine zones. That's unfortunate symbolism. Brother Palmer thinks that the V-I-R-U-S has been contained. Oh, hell no. We went through all that nonsense with Ill Bill for nothing? I want to see some widespread chaos, dammit! But alas, it's not to be. I'm hereby downgrading the V-I-R-U-S to the virus. And not just because it's easier to type. The order of business is that Brother Palmer wants to release a statement before the media beats up Poor Man's Scott McClellan and takes his lunch money. Palmer points out that he already has issued a statement: public transportation is closed down, people should stay home, and F-18s are patrolling the sky. What do F-18s have to do with anything? How does an F-18 contain a virus? Let's just forget he mentioned that. Palmer doesn't want people to start leaving L.A. and ignite a panic, and insists the right thing to do is keep it under their hats until they're sure the virus is contained. Brother Palmer scurries off to try and keep Poor Man's Scott McClellan from getting noogied to death.
Now that Palmer's alone, the phone beeps in with the news that Keeler's there to see him. Palmer says to have Keeler allowed in. Does anybody want to test Keeler for the virus first? Oh, I forgot. It's been contained. I hope Aaron's off getting some much-needed rest. It's 10:17:45. Keeler gets led into the conference room, and they exchange somewhat chilly greetings. Palmer allows himself a small smile as he asks Keeler if he's withdrawing from the race. Keep it up, laughing man. Keeler gets right to it: "With respect to the death of Alan Milliken, I know you lied to the police." Palmer stops smiling. He says, "That's a baseless charge, John. Though I've come to expect this kind of recklessness from you." He tries another smile, but it's clear from his posture that the umbrella that's been up his ass the past three seasons has just been opened. Keeler insists that he has both base and reck, in the form of a photograph of Milliken's pill bottle, which he shows Palmer. It's proof, he says, that Sherry was not with Palmer at the time of Milliken's death, as Palmer claimed to the police, and that Lady Mac withheld medication that would have saved Milliken's life. What do we have to withhold from this storyline to cause its death? I'm just asking. Keeler continues, "The last thing this country needs is to have its president dragged through the mud for complicity in a murder." Palmer doesn't say, "I completely agree. Thanks for stopping by." Idiot. Instead, he asks Keeler what he wants, and Keeler says he wants Palmer's resignation, for whatever face-saving reason Palmer cares to give, after he's finished dealing with whatever the current crisis is. Keeler doesn't seem to have noticed the huge-ass map of Los Angeles with the big red circles on it, for what that's worth. Palmer, rather than telling Keeler he should have things wrapped up around the Wednesday after the first Monday in November, simply tells him to get out. Keeler tells Palmer he's giving him a chance to leave office with honor and preserve his legacy. Palmer just stares at him stone-faced until he walks out. I don't know why Palmer doesn't make Keeler a counter-offer: they can both go public with their knowledge of each other's complicity and return the election to a level playing field. Because make no mistake: Keeler's an accessory after the fact now too, and a blackmailer on top of it. No, wait, I do know why Palmer doesn't say that. It's because he's a fucking moron. It's 10:20:08.
Near a pay phone in the gritty back alley that is Vine Street, the Patchmobile pulls up to the curb. They're a minute or so late, I'm thinking. From the back seat, Kiefer directs Soul Patch to reject the first location Saunders picks for the exchange so he'll make a second choice and give Special Agent Charlie Brown time to get his team in place. Soul Patch is unsure, but Kiefer reminds him he should use the leverage that Spawnders represents. Meanwhile, the leverage herself is still sitting in the shotgun seat, looking completely blank. I wish they'd either keep her out of the shot or give her something to do, because her near-constant passivity is getting on my nerves. Soul Patch gets out, walks to the phone, and attaches a device to the handset. Back in the Patchmobile, Spawnders asks Kiefer if they're using her as bait to get to her father. I thought she'd figured that out already. Kiefer comes right out and tells her that they'll do whatever it takes to stop Saunders from releasing the virus. Spawnders absorbs this as though he just told her the atomic weight of cesium. To be fair, though, she hasn't seen the previews for week. Then Kiefer GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND LEAVES HER ALONE IN IT. What the hell? First of all, did the need for "full protection" and "top security" on Spawnders expire when I wasn't looking? And secondly, you're going to drop a bomb like that on her, turn your back, and expect her not to bolt? He must think there's nobody in there. Where could he have gotten that idea?
Kiefer approaches Soul Patch, who hands Kiefer the other end of the whatsis he attached to the payphone. Kiefer accepts it and screws it into his ear, casually glancing around. Yeah, it's a little late to wonder if Saunders is having the phone watched now, don't you think? But I suppose that since Saunders chose the pay phone, he wouldn't have any reason to position snipers on the roof across the street to take out Soul Patch when he turns up, and another guy on the ground to carjack the Patchmobile with Spawnders still in it. Saunders is a gentleman, after all. The pay phone rings, and Soul Patch picks it up. Saunders wants to talk to his daughter, but Soul Patch scotches that. Fortunately, it's not because Spawnders has slid over to the driver's seat and made off for Mexico. Saunders accepts that, and tells Soul Patch to meet him at an industrial park on Maltin Road. I'm not looking it up and you can't make me. Soul Patch shoots that down, rather unconvincingly, I might add. Saunders insists, but Soul Patch warns him about the imaginary satellites that will be looking for him there. Saunders says, "I've planned too long and too hard for this day and I will do whatever it takes to make sure nothing interferes. Including sacrificing my daughter." Well, that's kind of a non sequitur, but it factors into an otherwise inexplicable decision that Kiefer makes later on, so I'm allowing it. Kiefer's not, though, and he disconnects the call.
Soul Patch freaks. Kiefer tells Soul Patch that Saunders is just testing him, and he'll call back. Soul Patch asks how he knows, and Kiefer says loudly, "Because right now he thinks I'm going to kill his daughter." Quick cut here of Spawnders reacting to that not at all. Soul Patch isn't sold on Kiefer's methods, even when Kiefer tells him that Bitchelle's best chance of survival is if CTU controls the area where the exchange takes place. Soul Patch says, "But protecting her is not your priority, is it? If she were to get killed, that would be an acceptable loss, wouldn't it?" Which is pretty much what I was saying last week. Kiefer looks away uncomfortably. "My God, Kiefer," Soul Patch continues. "Didn't you learn anything from what happened to Bride?" Whoa! Kiefer shoves him hard and tells him to shut up. Spawnders watches uncomfortably from the Patchmobile. Mom and Dad are fighting. Soul Patch starts walking toward the Patchmobile. Kiefer calls to him. Soul Patch, now a safe distance away, turns and yells, "Just because you sacrificed your wife for this job doesn't mean I'm going to sacrifice mine!" Fair enough, but where are you going now? Soul Patch doesn't take three more steps before the pay phone rings again. Kiefer's still standing there with his Uhura earpiece, doing an outstanding job of keeping the "I told you so" off his face. Soul Patch answers, and Saunders, consulting his Cop GameBoy, instructs Soul Patch to meet him under the Sixth Street Bridge downtown. He reminds Soul Patch that if he's brought anyone else into this, Bitchelle dies. They hang up, and Kiefer tells Soul Patch, "You did great." Soul Patch walks away before Kiefer can kiss him. It's 10:24:37.
10:28:50. We return to the thoughtful faces of Palmer, Spawnders, and Spawn, in order of appearance and decreasing order of stupidity. How did that happen, anyway? At CTU, Special Agent Charlie Brown is just about to head out the door with his strike team when Spawn comes up to hand him a folder containing satellite photos of the Sixth Street Bridge. Special Agent Charlie Brown tells her he asked for a real-time satellite feed. Duh, you can't put that in a folder. Spawn tells him he'll have it in ten minutes. There's also something about Marine fighter pilots, but I can't imagine it's relevant to anything. Potato Face comes up and sits down at the nearest computer, because…oh, hell, I don't know. I guess so she can overhear Spawn telling Charlie Brown to be careful. He tells her not to worry and heads out after his team. Spawn turns to Potato Face and asks how soon she can have the satellite feed she just promised Charlie Brown. If it's more than ten minutes, she's going to be kind of embarrassed. Potato Face embarrasses me even more by ignoring Spawn's question and skeptically demanding, "Do you really think Chase is going to quit Field Ops to start a family?" Inappropriate! "He won't," Potato Face answers herself. Spawn tries to smack her down, but she doesn't put any conviction into it, and Potato Face plows ahead: "I've known Charlie Brown for three years. You've been dating him for three months…He might be a great guy but he's just like your father. They're both the same person." Paging Dr. Freud. "So if you're expecting he'll leave this for the suburbs, you should revise your expectations." Spawn repeats her original question, and Potato Face tells her ten minutes. Spawn snaps at her to do it. At her retreating back, Potato Face calls out, "I'm just trying to be a friend, Spawn." Man. With friends like these, where the hell are those suicide capsules?
10:30:30. Palmer's dialing his phone. I wonder who he could be calling? Now that Keeler's gone, the quarantine map on the video display has been replaced with an artistic American flag montage. Anyway, he phones up Lady Mac, calls her stupid bluff, closes out this idiotic storyline, and we all get on with our lives. Oh, wait, that's just in my dreams. What really happens is that he barks at Lady Mac that she's gone too far. Lady Mac, on the porch of a splendid beach house, gestures expansively with her half-empty glass of mimosa and says pleasantly, "Oh, I thought I might be hearing from you, David." Palmer yells at her about sending Keeler to blackmail him, yadda yadda yadda. She doesn't deny it. Aww, she was for real with that shit? I'm so disappointed. Palmer tells Lady Mac that she could go to jail, and she points out that he could as well. Yes, I'm sure President Prescott would let that happen after he took office. Presidents hand out pardons like candy on this show, which is why I have to watch this scene in the first place, Sherry. Palmer asks what Keeler offered her, and Lady Mac says, "What you should have offered me. Respect, and a seat at the table. But instead you called me up when you needed me, and after I did your dirty work you threw me out like an old pair of shoes." Oh, so much hate. Palmer asked you to murder Milliken? You think that would have come up in the original conversation. Rather than pointing that out, Palmer tells her he won't be bullied. She makes a hilarious "oh, shit, that's right" face. But Palmer overplays it and asks her if she's willing to go to jail. She's ready for this and sends it right back at him: "The question is: are you?" He doesn't answer. She scoffs at him and hangs up.
10:32:02. The Patchmobile is on its way to the rendezvous. Kiefer, in the back seat, is on the phone coordinating the operation with Special Agent Charlie Brown. They have a thirty-second response time on air support, as if they're going to need that. Kiefer rings off. Spawnders pipes up, wondering if her dad is really willing to release the virus all over the country. Soul Patch lets Kiefer field that one. He thinks Saunders will do it if they don't stop him. When Spawnders asks why, Kiefer says her father has changed since she worked with him, and he believes America's government has betrayed him. Spawnders asks if he's right, and Kiefer doesn't have a yes/no answer. There's jibber-jabber about sacrifices, and I start to wonder if the Camdens are missing their theme mallet yet.
Outside Bitchelle's room, Poor Man's Will Sasso reacts unsympathetically to Bitchelle's sudden wails of despair. Of course, Poor Man's Will Sasso doesn't know what we know, viz: that Bitchelle doesn't wail in despair, so he goes into the room to shut her up. She turns to him, blood pouring from her nose. Oh, no! Bitchelle's been infected! Oh, no! She shambles towards Poor Man's Will Sasso like a Scooby-Doo ghost and he retreats in panic, not noticing that she's blocked the…the…you know the hole in the door frame that the latch goes in? She's blocked it while he was staring at her bloody face. And wrecked my flow in the process. But guess what she used? The duct tape that they used to cover her mouth! That's excellent. Anyway, Poor Man's Will Sasso, not realizing that the door lock hasn't engaged, gets Saunders on the blower to report on this new development. Saunders points out that they wouldn't have released her if they hadn't tested her and found her clean, which may tell us something about where he's not getting his information from, at least. Saunders says it's a trick, and what do you know? Suddenly Bitchelle is right behind Poor Man's Will Sasso and he's got a fresh brick-print on the back of his head. Bitchelle takes the gun and the cell phone off his unconscious body as Saunders barks, "Kevin!" over the line.
You know, one thing I like about this show is how nearly everybody calls everybody else by their first names. You'd expect TV characters in paramilitary organizations or terrorist cells to use code names or last names, to, I don't know, convey seriousness or something. But with these people it's just like any other workplace, and so you get evil henchmen named "Kevin." It just rings true to me in an interesting way. Oh, sorry, Bitchelle, did I interrupt your exciting chase scene? Did I wreck your flow? How do you like it?
Saunders and Ving Rhames With Hair are chasing Bitchelle through the dark basement of the building as best they can; they can't see where she is, but they're not far behind her. They split up, Saunders giving orders not to shoot to kill. It's 10:35:04. There's running and sneaking, and I just recapped nearly a minute of this show in four words. This show needs more scenes like that. Bitchelle pulls out the cell phone, and she gets the annual 24 cell phone whammy: the "No Service" message. She spots a staircase leading up, and Hulks right through a chained and padlocked pair of double doors to get to it. But it only leads up to a chain-link cage from which there is no escape. Bitchelle tries the phone again, and this time manages to get through to CTU. Yay, Potato Face will save the day! Except she won't. She can't hear Bitchelle, and she makes potato faces and says, "Whoever this is, I have a really bad connection. I've got a lot of stuff to do right now." And she hangs up. I'm digging the suspenseful, percussive music, but I've never heard a timpani drum go "D'oh!" before. Bitchelle scampers back down the staircase just before Saunders comes into view directly above her. It's 10:36:50.
I have a confession to make. During the commercials, I actually caught myself thinking, But if Bitchelle escapes, they won't be able to nab Saunders at the hostage exchange. And then I was embarrassed for having such an inane thought. Because if Bitchelle does escape, CTU is back where they were an hour and a half ago: in possession of Spawnders, and aware of Saunders's location. But taking him down will work this time because Saunders will be fresh out of hostages. I can't believe I even entertained the idea that Bitchelle shouldn't escape. Silly me.
It's 10:41:03. Kiefer plans, Special Agent Charlie Brown waits, and Palmer stares at the photo of the medicine bottle. Doesn't he have a crisis to manage? You know, if it hadn't been for that debate and the cabinet meeting earlier in the season, I'd be starting to suspect that Palmer isn't even President any more, and people are just keeping him in this room while they try to figure out how to break the news to him: "Listen, we have to tell him soon. He's starting to suspect. He's wondering where all his advisors are." "Okay…umm…send in Wayne to pretend to be his Chief of Staff." "What? Who would ever believe that?" "I think David would." Anyway, the charade continues as Brother Palmer comes in to ask what Keeler wanted. Palmer tells him everything, including Lady Mac's part in it. Brother Palmer, just like everyone else, is confused as to why Lady Mac would risk going to jail herself. Palmer explains that Lady Mac figures he has more to lose than she does, and says she's right. Idiot! You have more to lose, i.e. your presidency, until you give it up. Then Lady Mac has more to lose, i.e. her Presidential Whatever position under Keeler, who will have yet more to lose as the new president. Can nobody in this plotline think more than one move ahead? And again, I can't believe what an idiot Keeler is for playing along. The Lady Macbeth parallel is more apt now than ever; Macbeth spent most of the play being paranoid about losing his kingdom, largely because of the shitty things he'd done to get it. Crack a book some time, Keeler.
Anyway, Brother Palmer immediately sets about beating himself up for putting into motion a chain of events that is set to bring down his brother's presidency. Palmer comforts him, sitting on the edge of the table to him and reminding him that he was the one who called Sherry in the first place. Brother Palmer clamps a fraternal hand on Palmer's knee. I didn't know people did that. Buck up, guys. Surely with your combined brainpower you'll be able to come up with a solution. And indeed, Brother Palmer says there might be a way out. Good! What's your idea, Brother Palmer? Call Lady Mac's bluff? Talk to a lawyer? Oh, no -- he wants to hire someone shady character named Foxton to steal the prescription bottle from her. Man, these two are like a couple of gamblers who get in a hole and keep making bigger and more reckless bets to get their money back. They're just throwing good airtime after bad. Maybe there was never a President Nixon in the 24-verse, which would explain why the Brothers Palmer can't seem to get it through their heads that trying to cover things up from the White House only makes things exponentially worse. Palmer's reluctant, but Brother Palmer tells him, "All you have to do is give me the okay." If Brother Palmer were worthy of his job, he wouldn't even need Palmer to do that, but then we wouldn't get to see another one of Palmer's increasingly one-sided wrestling bouts with his conscience. He cuts Brother Palmer loose with a look, and the Twenty-Fifth Amendment starts looking pretty good to me.
The Patchmobile arrives at the exchange point. Kiefer and Soul Patch bail out of the car and approach Special Agent Charlie Brown, while Spawnders sits in the truck and wonders whether the Emmy Awards have a category for taxidermy. An agent hands Kiefer a phone; it's Spawn, with the news that Bitchelle's on the line saying she got away from Saunders. Kiefer contains his excitement as he has Spawn transfer the call to him. He plugs the phone into one of those ubiquitous speaker cradles. It's 10:44:35. Bitchelle's no longer in a dead zone, so Soul Patch, Kiefer, and Special Agent Charlie Brown can clearly hear her tell them she's gotten away but is still being pursued. She's out in the building's courtyard now, as Soul Patch gets her location and orders Special Agent Charlie Brown to send in the strike team. Hot damn! But Kiefer belays that order and tells Bitchelle to get herself caught again. Oh, man. I want to play chess with Kiefer some time. If he captures my queen, he'll just give it back to me. Soul Patch tries to put up a fight, but Kiefer instantly has him flat on his back on the ground, pointing his gun at him, lest anyone forget exactly who is whose bitch around here. At least Kiefer didn't break Soul Patch's ankle this time. Kiefer orders Soul Patch taken away, which I can't help thinking is going to make the exchange with Saunders a little awkward, then goes back to Bitchelle, who has to have heard all this going on via the speakerphone.
By now, she's made her way to a gate separating the building's yard from the street, and she sadly watches the cars go by her as Kiefer explains that they need her to stay captured so Saunders will show up for the exchange. And then he just hangs up. This is so irritating. Kiefer's allowing Saunders to hold on to leverage that he wouldn't otherwise have, and he's doing it so he can gamble with Bitchelle's life in an operation in which any number of things outside of Kiefer's control could go wrong. I just don't see him doing that. However, it does further establish Bitchelle as a courageous individual (not to mention one hell of a team player) when she ditches the phone and the gun she took off Poor Man's Will Sasso and reluctantly jogs back toward the building she just escaped. She pops into Saunders's line of sight at the end of a breezeway, and does a fair job of not looking like she meant to get caught. It's 10:46:17.
10:50:30. Palmer attempts astral projection, Brother Palmer lurks in a parking garage, and Soul Patch seethes. Given the kind of thing that tends to happen in parking garages on this show, I'm happy to see Brother Palmer in one; we may have a satisfying resolution to this storyline yet. But no, he just walks up to a parked car that an unsavory-looking fellow gets out of. He certainly got there fast. Does he just follow Brother Palmer around, waiting for him to make stupid decisions? And if so, when does he sleep? This would be Foxton. I hope that Fox appreciates its unique position as the only network that has characters on its shows named after it. Foxton comments to Brother Palmer that he thought Palmer would never lower himself to his level. I guess Foxton and Kreepy Karl from Season One must have been in different chapters of the Extralegal Political Operatives Union. Brother Palmer, his tie now askew, lets that pass without comment, and tells Foxton about the medicine bottle and how they need it back before the season finale. Foxton asks if Palmer knows about this little project, and Brother Palmer tries to dodge the question, saying Foxton will get paid. Foxton's not worried about that; he just wants to be prepared to take over the position as Official Presidential Blackmailer Laureate, and needs a little time to brush up on the relevant Constitutional law. Well, he doesn't say that, but he might as well. Brother Palmer doesn't pick up on it, and he's already dialing Palmer on his cell phone when Foxton stops him and says, "That's proof enough." He grabs a black bag from his backseat and follows Brother Palmer out of frame. Wait, the White House Chief of Staff is going on a black bag job? If there are so few people working for Palmer that this kind of dirty work falls to his Chief of Staff, how many positions does Lady Mac think she's going to have to choose from?
10:52:22. The Sixth Street Bridge glitters in the sunlight, if that is in fact what it is. Soul Patch is in position to the Patchmobile, so it looks like he came around regarding the current plan. Armored CTU agents are invisible, as Special Agent Charlie Brown promised, as long as nobody looks too closely at all those piles of tires. Through his invisible communicator, Soul Patch begs Kiefer not to move until Bitchelle is safe. Kiefer tells him they'll have to as soon as they spot Saunders. Soul Patch reiterates his concern, and Kiefer absentmindedly reassures him. Special Agent Charlie Brown reports in with the news that three SUVs are approaching. Kiefer watches them draw near on his handheld flat screen monitor, and confirms that Soul Patch is ready. It's 10:53:18. Three Chevy Suburbans drive up slowly, because General Motors models are the SUVs of Evil. Special Agent Charlie Brown can't see through their tinted windows. Kiefer's going to feel pretty stupid if Saunders didn't even show up for this exercise. ["And if Adam can locate the Patchmobile in, like, seven seconds, wouldn't CTU have some Whatever Goggles that allow them to see through window-tinting?" -- Sars]
The SUVs of Evil come to a stop in a configuration that's going to make it hard for them to leave in a hurry. I'm just saying. In one of them, Ving Rhames With Hair answers his cell phone. It's Saunders, telling him to give the phone to Bitchelle in the backseat behind him. I think it would be funny if Saunders were driving this particular SUV, but that doesn't appear to be the case. He tells her, "My preference is to turn you over to your husband unharmed, but I will kill you if anything goes wrong." He doesn't explain why he has that preference, but I gather it's so he can have a chance to prove that he'll fulfill his obligations if the other side fills theirs. You're more likely to be a successful terrorist if people see they can reason with you, you know. Ving Rhames With Hair gets out of the SUV of Evil and unlocks the handcuffs securing Bitchelle's wrist inside the truck. Soul Patch watches as VRWH guides Bitchelle into his line of sight, a gun to her neck. VRWH should threaten to shoot the other side of her neck so she and Soul Patch can have matching wounds.
Soul Patch's cell phone rings. It's Saunders again, telling him he'll free Bitchelle when Saunders sees Spawnders. I think we're familiar with the terms by now. Soul Patch opens the shotgun door on the Patchmobile and guides Spawnders out into the open. She looks like she's about to take a test she hasn't studied for. Soul Patch coaxes her to walk towards the SUVs of Evil. It would serve Kiefer right if this trade went ahead without a hitch and Saunders drove blithely off with his daughter. But now, at 10:55:47, we see the real reason Kiefer wanted to play it this way: CTU has already performed two building raids this morning, but a hostage exchange, with all its inherent drama, is something we haven't seen yet. Spawnders and Bitchelle walk slowly towards each other. They pass, exchanging a long, wordless look. Soul Patch's wedding ring catches the sunlight as he holds out his hand to his approaching wife and tells Kiefer to move now. I thought he was the one who wanted to wait. Kiefer reminds everyone that they haven't spotted Saunders yet, and they need to hold off. Bitchelle allows herself a small smile in her husband's direction, an almost certain signal that this whole thing's about to go pear-shaped. Spawnders shows signs of losing her nerve as she approaches Ving Rhames With Hair. He is kind of intimidating-looking. She finally turns around and bolts back towards the man she accused of kidnapping her less than an hour ago. Luckily for Kiefer, Saunders pops up out of one of the SUVs, calling for his daughter and looking, for the moment, approximately her age. Kiefer spots him on his handheld monitor and gives the tactical team the order to move. Here we go!
VRWH fires at the Patchmobile. Soul Patch returns fire as Bitchelle and Spawnders huddle behind him. Now the rest of Saunders's guys are shooting, and they've got themselves a firefight as CTU agents pour out of the woodwork. Saunders makes a highly satisfying "WTF?" face. I guess the batteries in his Cop GameBoy were dead. VRWH goes down, the front of his turtleneck ruined. Now agents are dropping on rappelling lines from the bridge span above, and Saunders's guys are just dropping. He realizes he's screwed and bolts from the SUV, vaulting over a railing and sprinting away. Kiefer is, of course, the only one behind him, and he looses a few shots in Saunders's direction before giving pursuit. A group of CTU agents advance on Saunders's men as another group moves Spawnders into cover. Saunders continues to flee from Kiefer, and we see he's made a grave tactical error: he's come out into the dry concrete riverbed where they had the hot rod race in Grease! Saunders, don't you know that evil is always defeated here? Kiefer and Saunders trade a couple more shots as the pursuit continues, and then a helicopter hovers into view. Hey, that's not the CTU helicopter. I can tell because it's white instead of blue. And also because there's a guy inside it firing a machine gun at Kiefer. Kiefer dives for cover and calls for air support. Hey, that came up after all! Special Agent Charlie Brown, still running his firefight, gets the required information from Adam back at CTU: a flight of Marine F-18s are thirty seconds away and their call sign is Guardian Angel. It's a good thing Adam says that, because those are the only words I can understand out of Charlie Brown's mouth as he bellows into his communicator. But apparently the Marine pilots understood him just fine, so we get to see a pair of fighter jets streaking low over Los Angeles. Very cool. CTU continues to hand Saunders's men their bullet-riddled asses, and Saunders's helicopter sets down on the concrete. Saunders runs to it, seconds from making good his escape and, presumably, giving the pilot a good tongue-lashing for not warning him about the agents he should have seen from the air. Then one of the jets fires a rocket -- let's call that rocket Romano, shall we? -- and the helicopter goes up in a huge fireball, flinging Saunders onto his back. Whee! We see the burning helicopter, a jet's shadow on the ground, both jets flying overhead, and Kiefer, all in the same shot, so we know this wasn't some cheap-ass stock footage they were using. Kiefer reports that the chopper's been taken out, and the F-18s streak off, their pilots secure in the knowledge that they'll probably never have to release ordnance over Los Angeles again. At least until season.
The firefight is over. Soul Patch and Bitchelle have a joyous reunion, and Spawnders wonders what happens now. Special Agent Charlie Brown jogs by, no more wounded than he was before. Soul Patch and Bitchelle shrink into the lower left-hand corner of the screen, Brother Palmer chauffeurs his hired criminal in the lower right, and in the top half of the screen, Palmer continues to demonstrate his stellar crisis management skills by sitting at his conference table and staring at the pill bottle photograph.
Saunders tries to get up, but Kiefer is standing over him and ordering him not to move. Do I even have to mention that Kiefer's gun is trained on Saunders? Kiefer wants to know where the remaining eleven vials are. Lady Mac has eleven vials? Wow, she doesn't take chances. Oh, wait -- Kiefer's asking about the virus. I'd forgotten all about that. Saunders doesn't answer. Kiefer says, "Stephen, it's over." Saunders says, "No, it's not, Kiefer. It's just beginning." Not at the end of the twenty-second episode, it's not. Saunders again tries to rise, but Kiefer discourages that with a none-too-gentle boot to the shoulder. He again demands to know where the vials are, at full volume this time. Saunders: "You can waste time trying to break me and kill millions of people or you can give me what I want." And what is that, Saunders? I know you told us a couple of hours ago, but I still don't believe you. Kiefer looks about ready to do to Saunders what he did to Nina and Chappelle, but instead reports on his communicator that "Saunders is in custody." He stands over Saunders, a portrait in frustration, the flaming chopper in the background. Don't beat yourself up, Kiefer. How could you have known you'd need marshmallows? It's 11:00:00.
week on 24: The virus is being released at noon, Soul Patch is going down for treason, Brother Palmer Bs and Es, and Kiefer falls back on the old tactic of threatening the life of the terrorist's offspring. Works every time.