Previously on 24: The Brothers Palmer found out that Lady Mac had met with Palmer's challenger, Senator Keeler, but they didn't know why. But we knew her purpose was to offer Keeler the chance to blackmail Palmer over a murder she'd committed. It's even dumber than it sounds. Kiefer was suspicious of Soul Patch, and relieved him of command. Saunders had Bitchelle, and wanted to force Soul Patch to trade her for Spawnders. Soul Patch led a suspicious Spawnders out the back door of CTU. Potato Face figured out what Soul Patch was up to and she told Kiefer, but by then it was too late. Soul Patch called in to tell Saunders he'd gotten Spawnders out, and Kiefer found out that Soul Patch and Spawnders were gone. Nobody said a word about a V-I-R-U-S. The following takes place between 10:00 AM and 11:00 AM.
We catch up with Kiefer in mid-frenzy. He orders Potato Face to cue up the last ten minutes of security camera footage from every exit, and Adam the Woman Hater to tap into the California Department of Transportation's traffic surveillance system. I'm sure Soul Patch is too smart for that. Special Agent Charlie Brown appears with this news break: "I just heard Soul Patch took Spawnders out of the building without authorization." Kiefer confirms it, and explains about the swap Soul Patch plans to make for Bitchelle. Charlie Brown reminds the audience that Spawnders is the only leverage they have, and Kiefer cuts him off. Hey, did anyone tell Special Agent Charlie Brown that he could stop covering the back entrance of the Nebuchadnezzar? Potato Face finds and plays the footage of Soul Patch and Spawnders leaving, and Kiefer reports to Adam that they're in "a silver SUV." He can tell that from a black-and-white image? He's good. Kiefer orders Special Agent Charlie Brown to prepare a tactical team and be ready to go. Adam, meanwhile, has already found the Soul Patch-mobile a half-mile away, based on Kiefer's oh-so-precise information. Wow, Adam's good, too. And I guess I was wrong about Soul Patch being too smart to get caught that way. Kiefer books.
Soul Patch's silver SUV -- a conspicuously non-Ford model -- barrels down the street. He nearly rear-ends another vehicle at the traffic light. I say it would have served the other driver right for just sitting through an entire yellow light without moving, but Spawnders asks if Soul Patch is okay. He tries to blow it off, but her Spawn-dar is going crazy.
At Saunders's Lair 2.0, he approaches the minion guarding Bitchelle (who, now that I'm looking at him again, kind of resembles a poor man's version of Will Sasso from Mad TV) to let him know that the swap is on and he's going to need to be ready to move. Bitchelle watches this through the window into her room, looking pissed off. After Saunders is gone, she bangs on the grid and lets the guard know what's up: "At least eight hundred people are dead or dying at Inn Fectionyou'll be infected along with everyone else! Whatever Saunders is paying you, it's not worth losing your life!" I don't know, that might depend on the health plan. Bitchelle delivers her speech angrily and with a complete lack of fear or desperation, and it's awesome. I wonder if the V-I-R-U-S is less scary than the thought of having Bitchelle mad at me.
“ Soul Patch says he doesn't have a choice. For a moment, the enormity of his situation seems to overwhelm him, and he sort of checks out for a few seconds. Bad timing, because that's when the Big Black Kiefmobile appears and, in a confusing bit of vehicular choreography, drives him off the road and into a photogenically arranged line of metal garbage cans. ”
At CTU, Special Agent Charlie Brown, not rocking his kevlar vest nearly as well as Kiefer rocks his, flags down Spawn, who's just moseying by as if she doesn't have a job to do. He explains that he's on standby until Saunders turns up, but before he has to go he wants to talk to her -- "about us." Fine, let's get it over with. Spawn seems to agree with me, going by her closed-off body language. Among other things, she's worried about the issue of Tater Tot, and that Special Agent Charlie Brown's job means he's likely to be as crummy a father as Kiefer was. Special Agent Charlie Brown offers to transfer out of Field Ops. Spawn admits that she wants to stay with him, and that she's willing to raise a child with him -- after only three months together, even -- but she won't raise one for him. Best Spawn line ever.
10:08:28. Kiefer drives a big black Kiefmobile -- this one a Ford, because Kiefer's using it to Do The Right Thing -- while getting location updates on the phone from Adam. Adam sends Kiefer to the intersection of Hill and Vine, two streets which don't intersect as far as I can tell, but Kiefer's on the case. Adam rattles off a few more street names that I don't feel like looking up any more. Dammit, he lost me!
In the Patchmobile, Spawnders confronts Soul Patch. Under her relentless interrogation, he cracks and reveals that he's bringing her back to her father and why. Let's hope he never gets caught and questioned by an actual terrorist. Spawnders isn't too pleased, but she manages not to freak out. She asks Soul Patch how he knows Saunders won't kill Bitchelle anyway, and Soul Patch says he doesn't have a choice. For a moment, the enormity of his situation seems to overwhelm him, and he sort of checks out for a few seconds. Bad timing, because that's when the Big Black Kiefmobile appears and, in a confusing bit of vehicular choreography, drives him off the road and into a photogenically arranged line of metal garbage cans. Kiefer's immediately out of his truck, gun in hand, pointing it at Soul Patch and ordering him to put his own gun on the dash. Kiefer kicks an overturned trash can aside as he moves closer, in case you thought he wasn't serious. Soul Patch looks completely beaten down, and he complies, as he does with Kiefer's order to step out of his SUV. Kiefer secures both their weapons as he reassures Spawnders that everything's going to be fine. Spawnders looks like she doesn't know who to root for. Soul Patch spills about Bitchelle and Saunders and the trade and all that, which of course Kiefer already knows, but he "can't let that happen." Soul Patch argues that he already almost lost Bitchelle once today, and he's not going to lose her again. Kiefer understands; he's been there. Soul Patch points out that Kiefer himself set the precedent of going all lone wolf when this happens, and Kiefer says it's different now because millions of lives are at stake. Soul Patch snaps, "Oh, rules apply to other people but not to you, right, Kiefer?" He's just now getting that? Maybe we should call him Slow Patch. He tries to bargain with Kiefer, offering to turn himself in if Kiefer just helps him make the trade, but Kiefer isn't having it. He assures Soul Patch that Bitchelle doesn't have to die; they'll string Saunders along to lure him into the open, where Special Agent Charlie Brown's strike team can take him down. Soul Patch freaks at the very idea, but Kiefer tells him Saunders won't know they're there. I assume he means he won't know before they nab his Eurotrash ass, because it's going to be tough to question him afterwards without giving up the game. Kiefer deploys the velvet until Soul Patch realizes he's got no choice but to work with Kiefer. He tells Kiefer about the fictitious intersection he has to be at in five minutes. Kiefer gazes at him lovingly, thanks him, puts a hand on his shoulder, and tells him he's doing the right thing. Kiefer hops into the back of the Patchmobile. I always knew those two would end up together. It's 10:12:01.
10:16:14. Bitchelle schemes, a map of Los Angeles has broken out in boils, and Soul Patch drives. The map is displayed on a wall-sized monitor at Division, where Brother Palmer is explaining to Palmer that the red circles on the map indicate quarantine zones. That's unfortunate symbolism. Brother Palmer thinks that the V-I-R-U-S has been contained. Oh, hell no. We went through all that nonsense with Ill Bill for nothing? I want to see some widespread chaos, dammit! But alas, it's not to be. I'm hereby downgrading the V-I-R-U-S to the virus. And not just because it's easier to type. The order of business is that Brother Palmer wants to release a statement before the media beats up Poor Man's Scott McClellan and takes his lunch money. Palmer points out that he already has issued a statement: public transportation is closed down, people should stay home, and F-18s are patrolling the sky. What do F-18s have to do with anything? How does an F-18 contain a virus? Let's just forget he mentioned that. Palmer doesn't want people to start leaving L.A. and ignite a panic, and insists the right thing to do is keep it under their hats until they're sure the virus is contained. Brother Palmer scurries off to try and keep Poor Man's Scott McClellan from getting noogied to death.
Now that Palmer's alone, the phone beeps in with the news that Keeler's there to see him. Palmer says to have Keeler allowed in. Does anybody want to test Keeler for the virus first? Oh, I forgot. It's been contained. I hope Aaron's off getting some much-needed rest. It's 10:17:45. Keeler gets led into the conference room, and they exchange somewhat chilly greetings. Palmer allows himself a small smile as he asks Keeler if he's withdrawing from the race. Keep it up, laughing man. Keeler gets right to it: "With respect to the death of Alan Milliken, I know you lied to the police." Palmer stops smiling. He says, "That's a baseless charge, John. Though I've come to expect this kind of recklessness from you." He tries another smile, but it's clear from his posture that the umbrella that's been up his ass the past three seasons has just been opened. Keeler insists that he has both base and reck, in the form of a photograph of Milliken's pill bottle, which he shows Palmer. It's proof, he says, that Sherry was not with Palmer at the time of Milliken's death, as Palmer claimed to the police, and that Lady Mac withheld medication that would have saved Milliken's life. What do we have to withhold from this storyline to cause its death? I'm just asking. Keeler continues, "The last thing this country needs is to have its president dragged through the mud for complicity in a murder." Palmer doesn't say, "I completely agree. Thanks for stopping by." Idiot. Instead, he asks Keeler what he wants, and Keeler says he wants Palmer's resignation, for whatever face-saving reason Palmer cares to give, after he's finished dealing with whatever the current crisis is. Keeler doesn't seem to have noticed the huge-ass map of Los Angeles with the big red circles on it, for what that's worth. Palmer, rather than telling Keeler he should have things wrapped up around the Wednesday after the first Monday in November, simply tells him to get out. Keeler tells Palmer he's giving him a chance to leave office with honor and preserve his legacy. Palmer just stares at him stone-faced until he walks out. I don't know why Palmer doesn't make Keeler a counter-offer: they can both go public with their knowledge of each other's complicity and return the election to a level playing field. Because make no mistake: Keeler's an accessory after the fact now too, and a blackmailer on top of it. No, wait, I do know why Palmer doesn't say that. It's because he's a fucking moron. It's 10:20:08.
“ Spawnders absorbs this as though he just told her the atomic weight of cesium. To be fair, though, she hasn't seen the previews for week. ”
Near a pay phone in the gritty back alley that is Vine Street, the Patchmobile pulls up to the curb. They're a minute or so late, I'm thinking. From the back seat, Kiefer directs Soul Patch to reject the first location Saunders picks for the exchange so he'll make a second choice and give Special Agent Charlie Brown time to get his team in place. Soul Patch is unsure, but Kiefer reminds him he should use the leverage that Spawnders represents. Meanwhile, the leverage herself is still sitting in the shotgun seat, looking completely blank. I wish they'd either keep her out of the shot or give her something to do, because her near-constant passivity is getting on my nerves. Soul Patch gets out, walks to the phone, and attaches a device to the handset. Back in the Patchmobile, Spawnders asks Kiefer if they're using her as bait to get to her father. I thought she'd figured that out already. Kiefer comes right out and tells her that they'll do whatever it takes to stop Saunders from releasing the virus. Spawnders absorbs this as though he just told her the atomic weight of cesium. To be fair, though, she hasn't seen the previews for week. Then Kiefer GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND LEAVES HER ALONE IN IT. What the hell? First of all, did the need for "full protection" and "top security" on Spawnders expire when I wasn't looking? And secondly, you're going to drop a bomb like that on her, turn your back, and expect her not to bolt? He must think there's nobody in there. Where could he have gotten that idea?
Kiefer approaches Soul Patch, who hands Kiefer the other end of the whatsis he attached to the payphone. Kiefer accepts it and screws it into his ear, casually glancing around. Yeah, it's a little late to wonder if Saunders is having the phone watched now, don't you think? But I suppose that since Saunders chose the pay phone, he wouldn't have any reason to position snipers on the roof across the street to take out Soul Patch when he turns up, and another guy on the ground to carjack the Patchmobile with Spawnders still in it. Saunders is a gentleman, after all. The pay phone rings, and Soul Patch picks it up. Saunders wants to talk to his daughter, but Soul Patch scotches that. Fortunately, it's not because Spawnders has slid over to the driver's seat and made off for Mexico. Saunders accepts that, and tells Soul Patch to meet him at an industrial park on Maltin Road. I'm not looking it up and you can't make me. Soul Patch shoots that down, rather unconvincingly, I might add. Saunders insists, but Soul Patch warns him about the imaginary satellites that will be looking for him there. Saunders says, "I've planned too long and too hard for this day and I will do whatever it takes to make sure nothing interferes. Including sacrificing my daughter." Well, that's kind of a non sequitur, but it factors into an otherwise inexplicable decision that Kiefer makes later on, so I'm allowing it. Kiefer's not, though, and he disconnects the call.
“ Spawn snaps at her to do it. At her retreating back, Potato Face calls out, 'I'm just trying to be a friend, Spawn.' Man. With friends like these, where the hell are those suicide capsules? ”
Soul Patch freaks. Kiefer tells Soul Patch that Saunders is just testing him, and he'll call back. Soul Patch asks how he knows, and Kiefer says loudly, "Because right now he thinks I'm going to kill his daughter." Quick cut here of Spawnders reacting to that not at all. Soul Patch isn't sold on Kiefer's methods, even when Kiefer tells him that Bitchelle's best chance of survival is if CTU controls the area where the exchange takes place. Soul Patch says, "But protecting her is not your priority, is it? If she were to get killed, that would be an acceptable loss, wouldn't it?" Which is pretty much what I was saying last week. Kiefer looks away uncomfortably. "My God, Kiefer," Soul Patch continues. "Didn't you learn anything from what happened to Bride?" Whoa! Kiefer shoves him hard and tells him to shut up. Spawnders watches uncomfortably from the Patchmobile. Mom and Dad are fighting. Soul Patch starts walking toward the Patchmobile. Kiefer calls to him. Soul Patch, now a safe distance away, turns and yells, "Just because you sacrificed your wife for this job doesn't mean I'm going to sacrifice mine!" Fair enough, but where are you going now? Soul Patch doesn't take three more steps before the pay phone rings again. Kiefer's still standing there with his Uhura earpiece, doing an outstanding job of keeping the "I told you so" off his face. Soul Patch answers, and Saunders, consulting his Cop GameBoy, instructs Soul Patch to meet him under the Sixth Street Bridge downtown. He reminds Soul Patch that if he's brought anyone else into this, Bitchelle dies. They hang up, and Kiefer tells Soul Patch, "You did great." Soul Patch walks away before Kiefer can kiss him. It's 10:24:37.
10:28:50. We return to the thoughtful faces of Palmer, Spawnders, and Spawn, in order of appearance and decreasing order of stupidity. How did that happen, anyway? At CTU, Special Agent Charlie Brown is just about to head out the door with his strike team when Spawn comes up to hand him a folder containing satellite photos of the Sixth Street Bridge. Special Agent Charlie Brown tells her he asked for a real-time satellite feed. Duh, you can't put that in a folder. Spawn tells him he'll have it in ten minutes. There's also something about Marine fighter pilots, but I can't imagine it's relevant to anything. Potato Face comes up and sits down at the nearest computer, becauseoh, hell, I don't know. I guess so she can overhear Spawn telling Charlie Brown to be careful. He tells her not to worry and heads out after his team. Spawn turns to Potato Face and asks how soon she can have the satellite feed she just promised Charlie Brown. If it's more than ten minutes, she's going to be kind of embarrassed. Potato Face embarrasses me even more by ignoring Spawn's question and skeptically demanding, "Do you really think Chase is going to quit Field Ops to start a family?" Inappropriate! "He won't," Potato Face answers herself. Spawn tries to smack her down, but she doesn't put any conviction into it, and Potato Face plows ahead: "I've known Charlie Brown for three years. You've been dating him for three monthsHe might be a great guy but he's just like your father. They're both the same person." Paging Dr. Freud. "So if you're expecting he'll leave this for the suburbs, you should revise your expectations." Spawn repeats her original question, and Potato Face tells her ten minutes. Spawn snaps at her to do it. At her retreating back, Potato Face calls out, "I'm just trying to be a friend, Spawn." Man. With friends like these, where the hell are those suicide capsules?
“ Palmer tells Lady Mac that she could go to jail, and she points out that he could as well. Yes, I'm sure President Prescott would let that happen after he took office. Presidents hand out pardons like candy on this show, which is why I have to watch this scene in the first place, Sherry. ”
10:30:30. Palmer's dialing his phone. I wonder who he could be calling? Now that Keeler's gone, the quarantine map on the video display has been replaced with an artistic American flag montage. Anyway, he phones up Lady Mac, calls her stupid bluff, closes out this idiotic storyline, and we all get on with our lives. Oh, wait, that's just in my dreams. What really happens is that he barks at Lady Mac that she's gone too far. Lady Mac, on the porch of a splendid beach house, gestures expansively with her half-empty glass of mimosa and says pleasantly, "Oh, I thought I might be hearing from you, David." Palmer yells at her about sending Keeler to blackmail him, yadda yadda yadda. She doesn't deny it. Aww, she was for real with that shit? I'm so disappointed. Palmer tells Lady Mac that she could go to jail, and she points out that he could as well. Yes, I'm sure President Prescott would let that happen after he took office. Presidents hand out pardons like candy on this show, which is why I have to watch this scene in the first place, Sherry. Palmer asks what Keeler offered her, and Lady Mac says, "What you should have offered me. Respect, and a seat at the table. But instead you called me up when you needed me, and after I did your dirty work you threw me out like an old pair of shoes." Oh, so much hate. Palmer asked you to murder Milliken? You think that would have come up in the original conversation. Rather than pointing that out, Palmer tells her he won't be bullied. She makes a hilarious "oh, shit, that's right" face. But Palmer overplays it and asks her if she's willing to go to jail. She's ready for this and sends it right back at him: "The question is: are you?" He doesn't answer. She scoffs at him and hangs up.
10:32:02. The Patchmobile is on its way to the rendezvous. Kiefer, in the back seat, is on the phone coordinating the operation with Special Agent Charlie Brown. They have a thirty-second response time on air support, as if they're going to need that. Kiefer rings off. Spawnders pipes up, wondering if her dad is really willing to release the virus all over the country. Soul Patch lets Kiefer field that one. He thinks Saunders will do it if they don't stop him. When Spawnders asks why, Kiefer says her father has changed since she worked with him, and he believes America's government has betrayed him. Spawnders asks if he's right, and Kiefer doesn't have a yes/no answer. There's jibber-jabber about sacrifices, and I start to wonder if the Camdens are missing their theme mallet yet.
Outside Bitchelle's room, Poor Man's Will Sasso reacts unsympathetically to Bitchelle's sudden wails of despair. Of course, Poor Man's Will Sasso doesn't know what we know, viz: that Bitchelle doesn't wail in despair, so he goes into the room to shut her up. She turns to him, blood pouring from her nose. Oh, no! Bitchelle's been infected! Oh, no! She shambles towards Poor Man's Will Sasso like a Scooby-Doo ghost and he retreats in panic, not noticing that she's blocked thetheyou know the hole in the door frame that the latch goes in? She's blocked it while he was staring at her bloody face. And wrecked my flow in the process. But guess what she used? The duct tape that they used to cover her mouth! That's excellent. Anyway, Poor Man's Will Sasso, not realizing that the door lock hasn't engaged, gets Saunders on the blower to report on this new development. Saunders points out that they wouldn't have released her if they hadn't tested her and found her clean, which may tell us something about where he's not getting his information from, at least. Saunders says it's a trick, and what do you know? Suddenly Bitchelle is right behind Poor Man's Will Sasso and he's got a fresh brick-print on the back of his head. Bitchelle takes the gun and the cell phone off his unconscious body as Saunders barks, "Kevin!" over the line.
“ And again, I can't believe what an idiot Keeler is for playing along. The Lady Macbeth parallel is more apt now than ever; Macbeth spent most of the play being paranoid about losing his kingdom, largely because of the shitty things he'd done to get it. Crack a book some time, Keeler. ”
You know, one thing I like about this show is how nearly everybody calls everybody else by their first names. You'd expect TV characters in paramilitary organizations or terrorist cells to use code names or last names, to, I don't know, convey seriousness or something. But with these people it's just like any other workplace, and so you get evil henchmen named "Kevin." It just rings true to me in an interesting way. Oh, sorry, Bitchelle, did I interrupt your exciting chase scene? Did I wreck your flow? How do you like it?
Saunders and Ving Rhames With Hair are chasing Bitchelle through the dark basement of the building as best they can; they can't see where she is, but they're not far behind her. They split up, Saunders giving orders not to shoot to kill. It's 10:35:04. There's running and sneaking, and I just recapped nearly a minute of this show in four words. This show needs more scenes like that. Bitchelle pulls out the cell phone, and she gets the annual 24 cell phone whammy: the "No Service" message. She spots a staircase leading up, and Hulks right through a chained and padlocked pair of double doors to get to it. But it only leads up to a chain-link cage from which there is no escape. Bitchelle tries the phone again, and this time manages to get through to CTU. Yay, Potato Face will save the day! Except she won't. She can't hear Bitchelle, and she makes potato faces and says, "Whoever this is, I have a really bad connection. I've got a lot of stuff to do right now." And she hangs up. I'm digging the suspenseful, percussive music, but I've never heard a timpani drum go "D'oh!" before. Bitchelle scampers back down the staircase just before Saunders comes into view directly above her. It's 10:36:50.
I have a confession to make. During the commercials, I actually caught myself thinking, But if Bitchelle escapes, they won't be able to nab Saunders at the hostage exchange. And then I was embarrassed for having such an inane thought. Because if Bitchelle does escape, CTU is back where they were an hour and a half ago: in possession of Spawnders, and aware of Saunders's location. But taking him down will work this time because Saunders will be fresh out of hostages. I can't believe I even entertained the idea that Bitchelle shouldn't escape. Silly me.
It's 10:41:03. Kiefer plans, Special Agent Charlie Brown waits, and Palmer stares at the photo of the medicine bottle. Doesn't he have a crisis to manage? You know, if it hadn't been for that debate and the cabinet meeting earlier in the season, I'd be starting to suspect that Palmer isn't even President any more, and people are just keeping him in this room while they try to figure out how to break the news to him: "Listen, we have to tell him soon. He's starting to suspect. He's wondering where all his advisors are." "Okayummsend in Wayne to pretend to be his Chief of Staff." "What? Who would ever believe that?" "I think David would." Anyway, the charade continues as Brother Palmer comes in to ask what Keeler wanted. Palmer tells him everything, including Lady Mac's part in it. Brother Palmer, just like everyone else, is confused as to why Lady Mac would risk going to jail herself. Palmer explains that Lady Mac figures he has more to lose than she does, and says she's right. Idiot! You have more to lose, i.e. your presidency, until you give it up. Then Lady Mac has more to lose, i.e. her Presidential Whatever position under Keeler, who will have yet more to lose as the new president. Can nobody in this plotline think more than one move ahead? And again, I can't believe what an idiot Keeler is for playing along. The Lady Macbeth parallel is more apt now than ever; Macbeth spent most of the play being paranoid about losing his kingdom, largely because of the shitty things he'd done to get it. Crack a book some time, Keeler.