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Remember way back in the beginning of season one when we were supposed to think that Soul Patch was the mole? We had no idea how badly he would suck at it. Everyone's seriously pissed off that Saunders slipped away, and they're looking to Soul Patch for explanations. But he's looking for ways to cover his tracks and bust Spawnders out of CTU custody before Saunders kills and/or maims Bitchelle. Lady Mac approaches Palmer's opponent for reasons that are too stupid and too complicated (and too stupid) to go into in a recaplet, but suffice it to say that this is the first job interview I've ever seen in which the candidate's primary qualification is a willingness to confess to a murder. Kiefer snatches up the hot potato that is command of CTU. Potato Face figures out what Soul Patch is up to and she tells Kiefer, but not before Soul Patch absconds with Spawnders. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on 24: Brother Palmer told Palmer that CTU had snatched Spawnders, but had blown its cover in the process. Palmer refused to take orders from Saunders any more. Kiefer got Spawnders to call her dad, but he figured out that she was with Kiefer, and there was much threat-swapping. Kiefer and Special Agent Charlie Brown rode into position around Saunders's building while hanging out the side of an SUV, and I was the only person in the world who didn't think that looked cool. Kiefer used a bullhorn to tell Saunders he was out of time and out of options. Saunders called Soul Patch, threatening to have one of his guys maim or kill Bitchelle if Soul Patch didn't order the relocation of the agents covering one of Saunders's exits. Soul Patch ordered Agent Baker's team to the front of the building, and Saunders walked out onto a deserted street. The following takes place between 9:00 AM and 10:00 AM.
Outside the front entrance of Saunders's building, Kiefer has run out of patience. He issues a final warning through his bullhorn, scowls at the empty building for fifteen seconds, and tells Special Agent Charlie Brown, "Smoke him out." Charlie Brown relays the order, and agents fire canisters of tear gas through the windows. Somehow every projectile fired at this multi-story building lands in Saunders's former office. Kiefer orders the teams into the building to bring Saunders out, and they move in, led by a gas-masked Special Agent Charlie Brown. At that moment, Agent Baker and his guys come tearing around the corner. Kiefer roars Baker's name and wants to know what the hell he's doing there. I want to know how far Saunders has been able to stroll in the time it took five trained agents to travel halfway around the building at a dead run. Baker tells Kiefer what he was told, and Kiefer fumbles for his walkie-talkie and hails Special Agent Charlie Brown, who is already in Saunders's room but reports that they have yet to locate the man in question. Kiefer demands of Baker where his order to move came from, and Baker tells him it was Soul Patch. Kiefer orders Baker's team back from whence they came, and Baker dashes off, looking rather jaunty for a guy running that fast. Kiefer's got his cell phone out, and he's calling Soul Patch to give him as good a reaming as he has time for right now. Soul Patch fumbles an excuse about working off the information he had, and how someone on his team made a mistake. Potato Face, who happens to be in earshot, does a double-take at this. Kiefer: "That is an unacceptable mistake…if you can't run CTU, you'd better replace yourself with someone who can." He hangs up without waiting for a comeback. Kiefer again gets Special Agent Charlie Brown on the walkie-talkie, and learns that he's been through the entire building and Saunders isn't in it. Of course, we're seeing Charlie Brown through that annoying room divider made of vertical glass bars that I'm glad I'll never have to look at again, so he appears not to have moved since entering the place. Kiefer's enraged "Dammit!" echoes off the surrounding buildings.
At CTU, Potato Face is giving Soul Patch the bad news about Saunders's absence, not realizing that it isn't news to Soul Patch. "What was that you said about someone in your group making a mistake?" she adds accusatorily. Soul Patch pretends to confirm with Adam the Woman Hater that Saunders was in the building, and Adam further offers to pull up the satellite images to find out what went wrong. Soul Patch isn't about to let that happen, so he says he'll take care of it and orders Adam to help Potato Face instead. He walks away looking like he's experiencing no small degree of intestinal urgency while Potato Face and Adam watch in confusion. It's 9:04:46.
And here, I think, is where Soul Patch hits the point of no return. It would be hard for anyone to stand up in the face of real-time video of their spouse being threatened with torture and death, and it's hard to condemn him for his initial reaction, fueled by panic and helplessness. I'd probably do the same thing. Which is one of many, many reasons that I don't run a counter-terrorism unit with my wife as a subordinate. ["Although it's worth stating for the record that that would be one fun-ass counter-terrorism unit to work for. Anyway, please continue." -- Sars] But at this point, Soul Patch is thinking relatively clearly again, as demonstrated by the gymnastics he's about to go through for the hour trying to keep his ass out of a sling. This show has been hammering away all season at the theme of people making huge sacrifices for the greater good, from Kyle Singer to Poor Man's Angelina Jolie to Bitchelle's shooting of the James Woods-looking guy at Inn Fection to Chappelle to Kiefer himself risking his daughter in a hare-brained swap-op, and now we learn that Soul Patch isn't on board when it's his wife's safety on the line. Furthermore, he knows perfectly well that he's not doing the right thing, which I think is why he never tells anybody what's going on. Well, that's one reason, and the fact that he has completely ruled out sacrificing Bitchelle as an option while not trusting anyone else, even Kiefer, to do the same.
But enough editorializing on that. While I've been blathering, Soul Patch has gone off into a room by himself, pulled up the surveillance satellite images of Saunders leaving the building, and deleted them. I don't know whether to be more incredulous about how easy that was, or about how the angle on the satellite appeared to be from a nearby rooftop, instead of directly overhead as satellite images must be. We'll call it a tie. Soul Patch's phone rings. It's his new boss, Saunders, who's walking around in the open, having for some reason ditched the case he was carrying at the end of the last episode. Saunders wants to be sure that Soul Patch deleted the satellite images, having neglected to ask him to do so initially. I don't know why he cares; he made sure everyone knew he was in the building before he left, and the southwest exit was the one left unguarded, so I would think he'd be prepared to give CTU credit for figuring out he went southwest. Soul Patch just wants his wife back, but Saunders isn't finished; he wants his daughter back as well. Soul Patch tells him that he expects Spawnders to arrive at CTU in five minutes. As Saunders opens an unlocked metal grate to step into a yet another abandoned building (which can't be more than a couple blocks away from his hideout, as he's only been walking for seven minutes), he clarifies the current terms: if Spawnders is harmed or not released when Saunders orders it, Bitchelle dies. Soul Patch is just wrapping up the call when Adam rings through on another line with the news that Palmer is calling. It would be interesting to hear what would happen if Soul Patch conferenced them in together, but that's not going to happen.
When Palmer gets on the line, he sounds pretty pissed, but he manages to keep his temper and not fire Soul Patch on the spot, even when Soul Patch can't explain how they lost Saunders. Palmer just orders tight security on Spawnders when she arrives. He's such a wuss. Soul Patch is just wasting all that sweat on his forehead.
At Division, Palmer continues walking into a conference room, where Brother Palmer and Poor Man's Scott McClellan are watching a news report that tells them that Palmer's opponent in the election, Senator Keeler, has lost a couple of endorsements. Palmer asks why, and they offer their analysis that it's because of Keeler's response to Palmer dropping out of the night's debate. Brother Palmer remarks, "Now that the threat level has been raised to red, people realize that you weren't playing politics. He is." Which should prove nothing, as the President has, I believe, some say over this "threat level." Leaving aside the fact that it would be pretty hard for all this to happen literally overnight. Palmer breaks up the party, saying, "We don't have time to think about the election right now." Hey, Sparky, I believe you were thinking about it along with everyone else a second ago. He pulls Brother Palmer out of the room, leaving Poor Man's Scott McClellan looking nonplussed. Not that we've seen that guy looking plussed yet.
Back at Saunders's erstwhile base of operations, Special Agent Charlie Brown is on the phone with Adam, confirming that Saunders was in the building, and the only question is how he got out. When he gets off the phone, he tells Kiefer that "now CTU says they're having problems with the satellite." Kiefer leaves Baker and several teams in charge of the building -- apparently he didn't learn his lesson about that -- and he and Special Agent Charlie Brown saddle up and head back to CTU so Kiefer can be with Spawnders when her father calls back. It's 9:08:36. From the car, Kiefer calls Potato Face and asks her, "What are you working on?" She explains that she's undertaken the project of reorganizing CTU's procedural manuals and translating them into haiku. No, obviously she's looking for Saunders, in this case by analyzing his last call for clues. Kiefer tells her to call him if she finds anything and hangs up while she makes a "duh" face.
Meanwhile, the Team Spawn motorcade pulls up to CTU less than a half hour after leaving Santa Barbara. Which is impossible even without factoring in the world's longest wait at a railroad crossing. Agent Forrester gets out of the shotgun seat (hey, I didn't realize that was her last week) and tells Spawn that Kiefer and Special Agent Charlie Brown are on their way back sans Saunders. Spawnders reaction to the news that her father is still at large is difficult to read, as is almost everything this actress does, but she asks Spawn, "He knows you guys have me, right?" Spawn confirms it. Sure, her father's a terrorist, but if you're a person who needs things explained to you by Spawn, that's almost worse.
Inside the building, Soul Patch greets Forrester and directs Spawnders's party to a holding room, despite Forrester's information that she was supposed to be going to a "white room," whatever that is. Spawn assures Spawnders that she'll be fine and sends her on her way. Soul Patch asks Spawn how she's doing, and she says she's fine, but she's just as clueless about Saunders's escape as she is about everything. Soul Patch changes the subject and tells her that someone's on the way over to ask her some questions about the shooting of Jew 'Fro Xander Harris an hour and change ago. Spawn shares that she "heard the news about Bitchelle." Soul Patch tries to play it cool: "What news?" he says, unsmiling. "That she isn't infected," Spawn duhs. Soul Patch insincerely accepts her sincere congratulations and watches her walk into a conference room and sit down. Through the room's far wall, which of course is also made of glass, he sees Spawnders staring back at him. All these glass walls. I'm glad that when they rebuilt the place, they used the lessons they learned when somebody blew it up.
At another location that looks like it was also recently blown up but not rebuilt, two henchmen haul Bitchelle into an empty room and yank off the cloth hood that's covering her face. They don't seem too nervous about touching the clothes she was wearing the whole time she was at V-I-R-U-S ground zero. They leave her alone in a chair that they don't bother to secure her to, although her hands are still cuffed behind her back and her mouth has been duct-taped. She looks around in dismay. It's 9:11:12.
9:15:37. Soul Patch broods, Kiefer drives, Bitchelle enjoys her duct-tape facial, and Adam sits on the phone. Potato Face pulls up a strip of satellite footage on her screen, and looks none too happy at the conspicuous stretch of blank frames staring back out at her. She schleps over to Adam's station and interrupts his incredibly painful conversation with his terminally infected sister about the virus and suicide pills. Adam, understandably, would just as soon not talk to Potato Face right now -- even less than usual, in fact -- but she's insistent, and Adam tells his soon-to-be-dead sister that he'll have to call her back. He follows Potato Face back to her computer, and she shows him the missing frames. Adam is suddenly all business despite the tear streaks still on his face. They figure that the chances of Saunders's departure being contemporaneous with a random satellite glitch are pretty low, and Potato Face fears that Saunders has access to their systems. Well, not directly. Potato Face isn't ready to take her theory to Soul Patch yet; she wants Adam's help in confirming it. I don't know why Adam's screw-up (or "screw-up," as the case may be) from the last episode doesn't come up here, or why Potato Face went to Adam about this given her opinion of his current capacity, but if we don't go with it we'll never get out of here. "So if you could just do that and then you could call your sister back," Potato Face finishes. I suppose she's trying. Adam heads back to his computer, and they exchange a significant look across the CTU floor. I don't detect any unspoken lust in it at all.
9:17:39. Two uniformed guards let Soul Patch into the room where Spawnders is being held. In Kiefer's absence, her Stockholm Syndrome has worn off and she angrily asks Soul Patch why she's being treated as if she's done something wrong. Soul Patch apologizes and assures her that it's for her safety. But Spawnders is too smart for that, which is not a sentence I expected to write, ever. She's figured out that she's the only leverage CTU has against Saunders. Doesn't miss a trick, this girl. Soul Patch admits that it's true, but gives his word that Spawnders won't be hurt. Spawnders is more worried about Kiefer. What gave it away, Spawnders? Was it when he looked straight at you and told your father, "You know what I'm capable of too"? Soul Patch is still trying to reassure her when his phone rings. It's Saunders, wanting to talk to Spawnders. Soul Patch turns away from Spawnders to keep her from hearing. Yeah, that would work. Soul Patch reminds Saunders that they each have somebody the other wants, and that "If you so much as touch my wife, I will slit Spawnders's throat." Good thing he moved three feet away from her and dropped his voice to a whisper so she can't hear him. Saunders seems to believe Soul Patch, so he has the guard outside Bitchelle's room let him in. He rips the duct tape off her face, along with the residual dirt, oil, and makeup that soap leaves behind. He tells Bitchelle that he's going to let her talk to Soul Patch, and that she's only to say she's okay and being treated well. He has the guard remove her cuffs and then hands her the phone, while the guard points his gun directly at her face. On the line with Soul Patch, she recites her little script, then continues: "Don't let them do this…don't let --" Saunders snatches the phone away, and she is not shot in the face even a little bit. Now Saunders wants to talk to his daughter, and Soul Patch sets his phone in the speaker cradle on the table in front of Spawnders. Spawnders wants him to deny having anything to do with the V-I-R-U-S, but the closest he'll come is saying, "I'd never do something without good cause." Judging from the devastated look on Spawnders's face, she appears to have cracked his little code. Soul Patch has had enough; he takes the phone off the cradle and tells Saunders, "Let's do this." He's going to need thirty or forty minutes to fake some clearances. Saunders is cool with that. He even gives Soul Patch a number to contact him when he's ready. It's so nice to see people overcoming their differences and working together.
Out on the floor, Adam approaches Potato Face to confirm that somebody in Soul Patch's group purged the satellite frames, but he doesn't know who because whoever did it used a "no-name login." A no-name login, eh? Those must be handy around an office that handles matters of national security and has repeatedly proved susceptible to moles. Adam is off to tell Soul Patch so he can lock the barn door -- I mean, "the system." Potato Face gets a call from a de-hazmatted Doctor Hazmat, who wants to know what's become of Bitchelle. Why is she outside without her hazmat suit on? Are we to assume that everyone inside Inn Fection is dead now? They should make that clearer, if only to earn that "graphic violence" warning at the top of the episode. Anyway, Bitchelle's not at Health Services, and she's not at County, where Doctor De-Hazmatted heard she was going instead. Potato Face promises to look into it and get back to her, because it's not like she has anything else going on right now. It's 9:22:22. Potato Face calls a guy to connect her with a guy who's supposed to be with Bitchelle, but he's not answering. Potato Face says, "What do you mean, he's not answering? He's active. He has to answer." The guy repeats, "He's not answering." Potato Face snaps, "Okay, I heard you the first time." Hey, you asked. Jerk.
Meanwhile, outside Spawnders's holding room, Soul Patch is getting the "news" from Adam that one of the 79 users in his group has been messing with the satellite footage. Seventy-nine users, and the one Potato Face chose to approach is Adam. Not many speaking roles to go around CTU, I guess. Soul Patch sucks at acting surprised. He gives Adam clearance to lock it down and sends him on his way, as Potato Face comes in with the further "news" that Bitchelle is incommunicado. Soul Patch spins a tangled yarn about having overridden an order, looking shiftier than the San Andreas Fault. Then he changes the subject and tells Potato Face he wants her to work on a phone call he just had with Saunders. Potato Face is surprised that Soul Patch just spoke to the guy they're all looking for, but Soul Patch blows past that and instructs her to analyze the signal with the voice track stripped away, telling her it's scrambled anyway. God, what a dumb idea. Even if she locates Saunders without being her normal busybody self and listening to the voice track, what's Soul Patch going to do about it in his current lone wolf mode? Soul Patch wants her to do it in "Tech One," away from everybody, explaining that it's technically Adam's job, "but you're better at it." Potato Face takes this with her usual lack of grace and turns to leave, then stops short. "Why did you say that?" she demands. "Because it's true," says the man who was getting real tired of her personality not an hour ago. Potato Face leaves Soul Patch standing there, wondering how badly he just overplayed his shitty, shitty hand. It's 9:24:07.
9:28:32. Saunders broods, Spawnders stews, Spawn naps, and Senator Keeler's campaign logo looks suspiciously that of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (thanks to dbeck55 for spotting that). At Keeler campaign headquarters, the candidate is lambasting his campaign manager -- a Poor Man's Tim Russert -- for advising him to attack Palmer for walking out of the debate. Poor Man's Tim Russert whines that everyone assumed the national security story was just a cover. Yeah, that sounds like the Palmer we all know. Keeler tells PMTR to call his source at the Pentagon and find out what the national security threat is, in case he needs to issue an apology. But first, Keeler's desk phone rings and PMTR picks it up. Guess who? It's Lady Mac, and she wants to come see Keeler in five minutes. They have no idea what she wants, but I'm sure that it'll make no sense whatsoever. Keeler muses, "This should be interesting." Oh, he's so wrong.
9:29:55. Kiefer and Special Agent Charlie Brown walk into CTU loaded for bear. Special Agent Charlie Brown goes off to Field Ops do something or other, and Kiefer flags down Adam, who gives him one confusing tidbit after another: Soul Patch is with Spawnders, Spawn is waiting to be debriefed, Adam is working with NHS, Potato Face is tracking Saunders in Tech One, and somebody intentionally erased satellite surveillance frames. Adam gets called away, and Kiefer looks around as if the place just turned into the set of an Austin Powers movie.
In Spawnders's holding room, Soul Patch tells Spawnders that she's going to be moved to Division shortly. She asks what Division is, and I must confess I'm interested in the answer to that question myself, but they're interrupted by a phone call from Kiefer. He wants to talk to Soul Patch outside the observation room, and Soul Patch agrees. It's 9:30:59. Soul Patch comes out of the room to face Kiefer. Kiefer wants to know what the hell is going on, and asks Soul Patch if it's true that they have a mole. Soul Patch plays it cool, or as cool as a guy can play something when he's as sweaty as Soul Patch is right now. Why does nobody notice this or comment on it, especially in light of the big red spot on his neck bandage? Kiefer wants to call Division down on the mole, but Soul Patch, believe it or not, disagrees, claiming that he doesn't want to tip their hand yet. Kiefer turns and watches Adam the Woman Hater acting not at all suspicious, then reluctantly agrees. He wants Division to come and pick up Spawnders, and then he wants to go to Tech One with Soul Patch and work with Potato Face. Soul Patch can't have that, so he says he's got a thirty-minute status call with Brad Hammond at Division, and he'll take care of telling him so Kiefer can go up and help Charlie Brown with whatever he's working on. Poor Soul Patch. It's so much easier to lie to people who aren't Kiefer. All sorts of warning bells are going off inside Kiefer's head, but he agrees and walks away. Then he turns back to see Soul Patch looking sneaky as hell. It's safe to say that Kiefer's suspicions are well and truly aroused. Kiefer heads over to Adam's desk for confirmation of Soul Patch's "status call," but Adam doesn't have any record of it on the schedule. Kiefer stalks off.
Oh, God, here we go. This is just about the dumbest thing ever. It's 9:32:33, and Sherry Palmer is being led through the Keeler campaign headquarters, smiling pleasantly at everyone she passes. She comes into Keeler's office and they kiss-kiss, which jars a bit considering some of the unkind things he said about her on national television the night before. Lady Mac says she's there on a private matter, and Poor Man's Tim Russert just stands there until Keeler picks up his cue and asks him to leave, which he does. I wish he would stay, because then I wouldn't have to listen to this absurd conversation, let alone recap it. But the sooner I start, the sooner I can get out of this dentist's chair of a scene. Lady Mac comments on Keeler's lost endorsements, and Keeler blows it off as a daily fluctuation. That's the spirit. Lady Mac isn't buying it: "No, John, your campaign is imploding. By the time the press has a chance to analyze all the mistakes you made last night, you'll look like a desperate candidate gasping his last breath." Oh, what the hell ever. Could she be any more obvious about following the marketing principle of creating a need? Keeler doesn't have any more time for this nonsense than I do, but Lady Mac placates him: "I came here because I can guarantee you a win in November." Now she's got his attention, because he's an idiot. She leads with a disclaimer: "What I'm about to tell you, I'll deny to my grave if you try to hold it against me." Deny all you want, crazy lady. Keeler nods indulgently, and Lady Mac drops her bomb: "David Palmer is an accessory to murder." Keeler doesn't seem shocked, perhaps because he reads all the fringe political websites, so he just skeptically asks, "Whose murder?" Lady Mac tells him Alan Milliken. Keeler points out that Milliken died of a heart attack, and I must say that he certainly does keep abreast of news that doesn't involve the election. Lady Mac explains that she was the one who kept Milliken from reaching his nitroglycerine. I always had a problem with that as a murder method. I mean, how could she have been sure that withholding the medication would actually kill him? If he'd survived, she'd be in a mighty awkward position right now. Almost as awkward as the one she's putting herself in now, as a matter of fact.
In any case, Keeler gets serious in a hurry. He stands up to kick Lady Mac out of his office, which isn't as good as calling the police right there, but it's a start. Sadly, it's a false one, as he sits back down to hear Lady Mac out. What a moron. She continues: "David lied to the Chief of Police last night to provide an alibi for me and I can prove that he lied…Proof that the President of the United States lied to cover up a murder." Keeler wants to know what kind of proof. Lady Mac has Milliken's prescription bottle, "in a very safe place." Well, that's ironclad. Keeler leans forward, like he's explaining something to a small child: "You are talking about incriminating yourself. You would go to prison." Ladies and gentlemen, can I get a "Duh!"? Lady Mac says, "So would David…It's quite simple, John." No, it's not. "All you have to do is go to David, and tell him that you have this evidence…this medicine bottle with my prints on it, and I guarantee you, David will drop out of the race." Oh, for fuck's sake. If Palmer was the kind of guy who habitually gave in to personal blackmail and covered stuff up, she wouldn't have had anything to argue with him about in Season One and they'd still be married. But Keeler seems to buy it. He asks Lady Mac, "And for all of this…?" Lady Mac wants a position on the White House staff. "Nothing so high that it'll raise too many eyebrows," which in my opinion eliminates every job higher than White House Speed Bump. Keeler says, "All of this, for you to be a mid-level staffer in my administration?" Lady Mac says, "You and I both know that it would be a little more than that." Man, I don't know and I don't care. This just reeks of a desperate attempt to give Lady Mac something evil to do, with no regard for how ricockulous it may be or how weak her bargaining position really is. My only hope is that she's really doing this for Palmer and this is some ploy to suck Keeler into making a fatal mistake. Which, if it is, he's too stupid to be president anyway. In fiction, at least. ["No stupider than the fictional incumbent." -- Sars] It's 9:37:00.
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9:41:24. Here I am on my fourth recap and I just realized this show has five acts. Damn. No wonder these keep taking longer than I expect. Saunders studies the artful reflection from a pool of water onto the wall of his new hideaway (it's probably why he picked the place), Potato Face is working in a room full of computers that's only a few couches short of looking exactly like the broadcast deck of the Nebuchadnezzar in The Matrix, and Palmer holds a phone to his ear with one hand while gluing his left eyebrow back on with the other. He's getting some bad news about growing casualty estimates, but he's got the situation under control: "Keep me posted." Ooh, I just get chills when he says that. No wonder Lady Mac is so drawn to his power. Brother Palmer comes in, saying he just got of the phone with one of his sources at the Keeler campaign headquarters. One of his sources? My god, there are moles everywhere! Brother Palmer breaks the news that Lady Mac was just there meeting with Keeler. Neither of them has any idea what she's up to, but Palmer doesn't have time to worry about it now. Brother Palmer wants to "put someone on it," but Palmer refuses. "I brought Sherry in to fix a problem, and look what happened. Just let it be. We'll hear soon enough." He had me, and then he lost me.
9:42:49. Saunders's new IT guy, who sort of resembles Ving Rhames with hair, notifies him that CTU is working on triangulating their location from his last phone call. They're not on the phone now, so I don't know how Ving Rhames With Hair could know that without being hacked into CTU's systems. He tells Saunders that eventually they might get close. There are a dozen agents a seven-minute walk away, Saunders. I'd say they're close already. But Saunders isn't having it. He leads Ving Rhames With Hair and his conspicuous handgun to Bitchelle's room, where VRWH plunks her back in her chair and puts a knife to her throat. I'd like to see Fauxbayashi try that. Saunders wants to know what CTU is doing to try to trace him. I think VRWH already explained that, dude. Bitchelle's still refusing to talk, pointing out that if they kill her, he'll never get Spawnders back. Saunders smarms, "That's not the only option. You're an attractive woman." Oh, he's icky. "I'm guessing your husband would prefer you returned without disfigurement." Bitchelle's still not talking, so Saunders wants to talk to the pushover in the family. VRWH dials his cell phone and hands it to Saunders, telling him to keep the conversation short. Saunders says to Soul Patch, "Let me paint you a picture. I have a sharp knife, the tip of which is drawing blood from your wife's face right now. If whatever you're doing to trace these phone calls doesn't stop in thirty seconds, she'll be unrecognizable." He hangs up. Yeah, that was pretty short.
Soul Patch, looking busted and guilty, makes a beeline for the nearest phone and buzzes Potato Face on the Nebuchadnezzar to tell her to stop what she's doing. He's running low on explanations, so he doesn't have one for her. She doesn't want to drop it, but Kiefer's closing in on him, so he just tells her he'll explain later and hangs up. Kiefer comes up and asks Soul Patch what he's doing, in a not at all friendly way. Soul Patch falls back on the liar's last resort: the babble. Kiefer just glares at him flatly. "Why are you lying to me?" he quietly demands. Busted! Kiefer just got off the phone with Hammond, confirming that Soul Patch lied about the status call. So he was just shooting the shit with Hammond for the last ten minutes while there was a mole on the loose? Soul Patch pretends to come clean, thinking fast and talking faster about how someone forged the satellite transmission that caused him to leave Saunders's building open, and the same person deleted the missing frames. He takes responsibility for his "mistake" and promises to resign after the day is over, but claims there's too much going on for him to step down. Kiefer doesn't let him off the hook: "Making a mistake is one thing. Covering it up is another." Kiefer is taking over command of CTU. I'm always amazed that people can just do that. I should try it sometime. Preferably on a quieter day than this. Soul Patch says, "I made a mistake, Kiefer." Kiefer: "No, Soul Patch. You made two." Actually, Kiefer, that count's a little low. Soul Patch submits to Kiefer's decision and storms off. It's 9:46:36.
Soul Patch goes off to be alone with his cell phone, but Adam sticks his big old face in front of the camera. He's narrowed down a list of possible mole suspects, and he's got them on a disk which he's holding out to Soul Patch. I don't know why he wasted a whole disk to store a file that by rights should consist entirely of two words: "SOUL PATCH." Think about it, Adam. You offered to pull up the satellite frames, then Soul Patch said he'd do it, then he disappeared, and the you heard about them was when Potato Face told you the frames were missing. Rather than pointing any of this out, Soul Patch tells him he's not in charge any more, and to send the list to Hammond. Adam watches him leave, his eyebrows attempting to tie themselves into a square knot.
Soul Patch finds a quieter stretch of hallway to report to Saunders that he's not the boss any more. Soul Patch, you quit being the boss ninety seconds before the end of the last episode. Saunders is completely sympathetic to Soul Patch's dilemma, and offers to put Bitchelle in a cab right away. Except he doesn't. He warns Soul Patch that nothing's changed as far as he's concerned, and that he'd better get Spawnders out of there before Kiefer finishes figuring everything out, because if he doesn't, for whatever reason, Bitchelle dies. He hangs up. Soul Patch looks like he's coming apart, and not just at the neck. It's 9:48:24.
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It's 9:52:49. Soul Patch is screwed with his pants on, Potato Face is busily disobeying his last order, and Spawnders has no one to hold her in her holding room. Kiefer comes into the conference room where Spawn is waiting for her debriefing (as are we all) and asks for her help. She says he'll have to clear it with Soul Patch, but Kiefer breaks the news that Soul Patch isn't in charge anymore; in fact, he's hiding something from Kiefer and he needs Spawn's help to find out what it is. Come on, Kiefer. You know there's a mole. You know Soul Patch is up to no good. Do you really think these two facts are unrelated? If Kiefer weren't such a softie, he would have had Soul Patch either locked up or escorted from the building already, but I imagine he'll have time to regret that later. I think he just doesn't want to believe that Soul Patch is the mole. Early Season One was a long time ago, after all, back when Soul Patch spent all his time peering suspiciously at people over his Cubs mug. And that's another thing Soul Patch is hiding! When was the last time we saw that mug? Anyway, Kiefer wants Spawn to monitor and track every damn thing going on at CTU from Field Ops, and sends her up there. It's 9:53:34. Kiefer looks up into Soul Patch's office, where he's trying to rub his upper lip off.
Actually, he's just staring at the camera feed from Spawnders's holding room and trying to teleport her out of there with his mind. He doesn't seem to be having much success. His desk phone rings. It's Potato Face, with the fabulous news that she's figured out a way to pull the voice track from his call with Saunders. I told him it was a dumb idea to put her to work on that. Soul Patch asks if she's listened to it yet. Like she'd be talking to you right now if she had. She says it's still decoding, but she'll have it shortly. Soul Patch tells her, "Good work," and hangs up, clearly aware that he's running out of time. We are pushing the fifty-five-minute mark, here. Through the glass walls of his office, he watches Kiefer pick up a phone on the upper level and call Adam. He listens in on his own phone as Kiefer asks Adam to send data up to Spawn's computer and send Potato Face to speak with him. Before Adam can do so, Soul Patch calls Adam and claims to be on the line with Potato Face, who he says needs a password. Adam provides it, then relays Kiefer's request to see Potato Face. Clever move, that. Soul Patch changes his computer monitor view to Potato Face on the Nebuchadnezzar. This place is a frigging panopticon. Potato Face has just finished decrypting Saunders's call to Soul Patch, and she's alarmed at what she hears her former boss saying: "You have my wife. I want to talk to you first." Potato Face grabs the phone in front of her, but it's dead; apparently Soul Patch shut it down from his computer. And now he's locked down all of the screens in the room. Potato Face says, "I knew it." Oh, you big liar. Potato Face runs to the door, but that's locked too. Soul Patch witnesses her growing desperation on his screen, not enjoying it nearly as much as I am. I wait for him to hit the button that will fill the room with poisonous gas, but Soul Patch is too new at this bad guy thing so he doesn't bother. It's 9:56:04. Soul Patch walks out of his office, putting on his jacket as he goes. That's not conspicuous at all.
As he leaves, Kiefer does him a favor and creates a nice little diversion for him by stepping out onto a stairway landing and asking for everyone's attention. This is Kiefer's big moment, when he announces that he's taking charge and Soul Patch isn't the boss any more. He doesn't have time to go into details, but he wants everybody not working on quarantine zones to concentrate on finding Saunders. Well, gosh, what have they been doing up to now? Whatever the case, Kiefer's words galvanize the troops into a flurry of activity while Soul Patch goes to Spawnders's holding room, zaps her guard with a taser (because in this office, tranquilizer darts and chloroform are reserved for the bosses), and leads her out a back door.
Up in Field Ops, Spawn has noticed that Potato Face hasn't done something on the system in over fifteen minutes, which alerts her, Special Agent Charlie Brown, and Kiefer that something's up with her.
9:57:42. Soul Patch leads Spawnders through CTU's back hallways. She wonders where all the guards have gone, and Soul Patch just says, "We don't need those guards any more." Good one. Spawnders is confused, but Soul Patch tells her, "We have agents on the streets." Normally they're up at the North Pole helping Santa make the toys, but they're here in L.A. now. Soul Patch and Spawnders make it to an exit.
Spawn and Special Agent Charlie Brown are trying to get the Nebuchadnezzar on camera, but Soul Patch blocked access to that channel. Kiefer orders Spawn to override the access codes -- this is a probably a bad time to ask what good an access code is if someone at Spawn's level can just override them -- and he and Special Agent Charlie Brown sprint through CTU towards the Nebuchadnezzar. Kiefer sends Charlie Brown around to the back entrance, and opens the front door to find Potato Face bent over a keyboard. Kiefer's got his gun out and he barks at her to get away from the computer. Shoot, Kiefer! Potato Face sticks her hands in the air and tells Kiefer that Soul Patch locked her in, that Saunders has Bitchelle, and he's using her to get Spawnders out. Kiefer, still covering Potato Face, pulls out his walkie-talkie and asks someone to locate Soul Patch. All he gets is word that Soul Patch is gone. He lowers his weapon. Dammit, Kiefer, time shoot when I tell you to! He asks Potato Face when Soul Patch locked her in, and she says ten minutes ago. Going my the timer on my VCR, it was three minutes. And it seemed even shorter.
Meanwhile, Soul Patch and Spawnders pull out onto the road in his silver SUV. And thus, his short, unhappy life as the CTU mole comes to an end.
Kiefer charges out of the Nebuchadnezzar, barking orders in every direction. He wants the building locked down and every satellite trained on the building, for all the good that did him an hour ago. A uniformed guard reports that Spawnders is gone. Kiefer dashes out to the parking lot. Wow, Soul Patch had a nice parking spot.
Soul Patch is on his cell phone, reporting to Saunders that he and Spawnders are out. He's looking in his rearview mirror an awful lot, even though he's got the streets to himself. If the people of L.A. are panicking, they're doing it inside. Saunders asks how long it will be until they show up on CTU's satellites, and Soul Patch tells him thirty minutes. Saunders will have further instructions for him in twenty minutes, and Soul Patch should be at the northwest corner of Taylor and Vine. Soul Patch says, "Yeah, right," presumably because he knows he won't have any better luck finding a Los Angeles street named Taylor than I just did on MapQuest. Through all this, Spawnders still doesn't seem to have any idea what's going on. Soul Patch shrinks up into the top right corner of the screen, while Saunders's silhouette paces the left half, until that idiot Senator Keeler takes over the bottom right corner and Soul Patch is replaced by Potato Face and Spawn at a computer, and there's Bitchelle looking crafty and Spawnders and Palmer looking the opposite of crafty and there's Kiefer and we've got six screens going, and I wait in vain for the last-second stinger, but there isn't one. It's 10:00:00.
week on 24: Kiefer catches up with Soul Patch, Keeler takes the bait, Saunders is prepared to sacrifice Spawnders, Soul Patch and Kiefer debate the merits of sacrificing one's wife versus not, and Bitchelle makes a break for it.