Electric Blue Kiefer, Spawn, Palmer, Kiefer, Spawn, Kiefer. Or something like that. Viewer discretion for violence. Portentous voice-over about Kiefer chasing a V-I-R-U-S for the past fifteen hours, with flashback scenes from the past fifteen episodes. Where's Kocaine Kyle? Where are the Salazar brothers? Where's Dr. Anne? Tater Tot? Gone like Trotsky from a USSR high school textbook. Judging from the flash-forward introducing the nine final episodes, it's all about Saunders now. Stephen Saunders. No, not the balding frat-weasel from . That was Steve Sanders. Saunders is British. And therefore, a superior classy villain. As I hope we'll find out. Because he's looking kind of smug and annoying in this preview.
Previouslys. Lady Mac kills Millikenor fails to save his life, depending on how you look at it. Euro villains bring the HoYay! Kiefer kaptures Faggy Amador and learns about the V-I-R-U-S planted in the Chandler Hotel. CTU calls the Chandler Hotel security office, where Gay Matt from Melrose is in charge. Bitchelle and Gael arrive there too late. The V-I-R-U-S has been directed through the airways, and Gael gets a faceful of Cordilla. The following takes place between 4:00 AM and 5:00 AM.
We open with the very image that we closed with five weeks ago: the whirring fan blades down in the basement of Inn Fection. Gael, who just got powdered seconds ago, is clean as a whistle and calmly calling GayMattFromMelrose on his cell to tell him that "a toxic substance" has been released into the air. "Where's the air conditioning control panel?" asks Gael. Gay Matt from Melrose, who happens to know exactly where Gael is standing, tells Gael to reach to his left and flip a bunch of switches which will turn the air conditioning off. God, this hotel sucks. Not only is it a death trap, but there's no central air. Gael does this. Gay Matt asks Gael how bad the release of this toxic substance is. "Just taking precautions," says a brave Gael.
Elsewhere in the basement of Inn Fection, Bitchelle still has Alvers chained to some pipes. "How much of the V-I-R-U-S was released?" asks Bitchelle. "Enough to kill everyone in the building!" replies Alvers, sounding more like Grampa Simpson than the international chemist of terror that he's supposed to be. Bitchelle asks if there are any other vials planted in other locations. "Don't you get it?" asks Alvers. "We're all going to die!" After some more questioning from Bitchelle, Alvers admits that there are eleven other vials in L.A., but he doesn't know where they're planted. Bitchelle's phone rings. She has an agent-extra keep an eye on Alvers and goes into another room to answer it. It's Soul Patch. Bitchelle briefs him on the release of the V-I-R-U-S into Inn Fection's ventilation system moments before Gael was able to shut the air down. "Gael was in direct contact?" asks Soul Patch, not understanding that the agents entered the building without Hazmat protection. He repeats what we've all heard from episodes: that anyone injected with the Cordilla Virus will be symptomatic in fourteen hours and no one can leave the building. Hmmm. That doesn't sound right, does it? I mean, there are only nine episodes left in the season, right? Do we have to wait until season to find out if Gael and Bitchelle are going to die?
“ She's looking and sounding like Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy with a head cold after a coke-fueled night of sex with Michael Bergin, a carton of Parliaments, a slap fight with John-John, and a game of hide and seek in the rain-soaked streets of Tribeca with a dozen paparazzi. ”
Bitchelle informs Soul Patch about the eleven other vials planted elsewhere in the city. "Alvers told you this?" asks Soul Patch. "I just left him," says Bitchelle. "He could have been exposed to the V-I-R-U-S!" says Soul Patch. "How did he get outside the hotel?" Bitchelle informs him that Alvers is still in the basement. "Are you inside?" asks Soul Patch. Oops! Soul Patch orders her to get out of the hotel as soon as Health Services arrives. Bitchelle responds that there's no way she can leave, as there are only seven agents inside and a thousand guests who could go into panic mode at any moment. "I've been exposed," she says. "There's nothing anyone can do." They hang up.
Back at the Flu Bar, behind the Greg Brady beaded curtain, Kiefer is trying to get information from Faggy Amador. "I need to know who you are working for," says Kiefer -- a far more polite version of "who are you working for?" I guess it's a new, politer CTU. Like when you go into couples therapy and your boyfriend learns to say, "You need to take out the garbage," instead of "Take out the fucking garbage!" "Do what you want to me," says Amador. "I'm telling you nothing." Kiefer threatens to put him a room door with the V-I-R-U-S. Amador doesn't flinch. Kiefer's phone rings. It's Chappelle, informing him that about the V-I-R-U-S being released into the Chandler Hotel and the other eleven unknown vials. Kiefer tells Chappelle that Amador isn't giving him any names. Chappelle orders Kiefer to bring Amador back to CTU and let Richards (or Johnson) loose on him. Kiefer reminds him of their experiences with Richards (and Johnson) and asks Chappelle to trust him. He's got a plan. Kiefer orders Amador against the wall. "Knees," says Kiefer, his lips close to Amador's left ear. Amador drops to his kneesand Kiefer handcuffs him to a really flimsy-looking radiator pipe. "I'll be right back," says Kiefer. Oh, and here's the keys to these handcuffs, Amador, just in case your wrists get sore and you want to go across the hall and get a Coke from the machine. Special Agent Charlie Brown -- virtually absent from tonight's episode -- shows Kiefer what they found in the incubation room. They discuss something about containing the V-I-R-U-S within the Chandler Hotel, but I have to confess that I have no idea what they are talking about.
Look who's back. It's Nicole Duncan from Health Services, who is supposed to be at the Inn Fection with those Hazmat suits, but it seems that she's still packing up the van. Her hair looks good, but I am seriously starting to see skull beneath her skin. She's beyond "rough" at this point. She's looking and sounding like Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy with a head cold after a coke-fueled night of sex with Michael Bergin, a carton of Parliaments, a slap fight with John-John, and a game of hide and seek in the rain-soaked streets of Tribeca with a dozen paparazzi. She's on the phone with Soul Patch, discussing strategy for containing the V-I-R-U-S and the mobile lab they're going to set up on site. Soul Patch casually mentions Bitchelle being inside the hotel, and Nicole is shocked. They hang up when Chappelle enters Soul Patch's office. They discuss the fact that no one can leave or enter Inn Fection and if anyone tries otherwise, CTU agents should be ordered to "shoot to kill."
“ 'I can't do any O.T.,' says Middle-Aged Elijah Wood. 'My wife's a week overdue.' Man with pregnant wife? Man who's going to die soon. Just saying. ”
Back at the lobby of Inn Fection, Gael, Bitchelle, and GayMattFromMelrose meet up. Gael confirms that he has just blocked off the exits, and Bitchelle asks Gay Matt to shut down the elevators. "It's that serious?" asks Gay Matt. Where have you been, Gay Matt? When leather-clad federal agents show up in your hotel and start handcuffing people to pipes, I'd say it's serious. And isn't there someone you could be hugging right now? Bitchelle explains that she's trying to prevent mass panic. Gay Matt argues -- astutely, I must admit -- that a shutdown of hotel operations will create said mass panic, and asks about cell phones. Bitchelle explains that they've put some sort of Whatever Technology block on everyone's cell phones but theirs. "Are we going to survive this?" asks Gay Matt from Melrose. "That's what we're here to insure," says Bitchelleafter a brief pause. Gael tells Gay Matt that they're relying on his "leadership." And by "leadership," I think they mean "cluelessness." Lastly, they ask him to shut down the fire alarm. For some Whatever Technology reason, according to Gay Matt, the fire alarm shutdown will take some time. He exits to make that happen. "I know that you wouldn't have been exposed to the V-I-R-U-S if it wasn't for me," says Bitchelle to Gael now that they are alone. "You didn't have us do anything we wouldn't have done on our own," says Gael. Yep, he's gonna die soon.
Elsewhere inside Inn Fection, a employee named Margolis is punching out and leaving the building. Margolis looks like a middle-aged Elijah Wood. Gay Matt tells him he needs to stay. "I can't do any O.T.," says MiddleAgedElijahWood. "My wife's a week overdue." Man with pregnant wife? Man who's going to die soon. Just saying. Gay Matt lies about an "irritant" in the air that might require extra personnel to deal with the guests who might be affected. "But I promise to get you out of here as soon as I can," says Gay Matt. MiddleAgedElijahWood is unimpressed.
Flu Bar. Wow, whadda shock -- Amador jimmies the pipe and escapes from CTU custody. Double shock -- Spawn is tracking him on a CTU computer. And that's about the only thing she's going to do tonight. ["At least until the V-I-R-U-S hits the big-cat section of the L.A. zoo." -- Sars] She calls Kiefer and tells him that Amador has left the building. The time is 4:11:46 AM.
Okay, you know how at the end of this Steven Segal ad for Mountain Dew, the words "Do the Dew!" show up on the glass doors of the convenience store? I have seen this ad at least six times, and every single time those words appear, I swear for a second it says, "Do the Jew!" and I do a double take.
“ God, I feel so bad for Palmer right now. That evil woman who he invited to his office to go do something evil to one of his political opponents hasdone something evil. Why does that keep happening? It's just like how Liza keeps marrying these gay men and Michael Jackson keeps getting sued by these kids who come over to his house to play naked pinball. ”
The time is 4:16:24 AM. Palmer is getting the news from Brother Palmer about the happenings at Inn Fection: 1000 guests, more V-I-R-U-S planted elsewhere, no one allowed in or out, curtail mass panic, yadda yadda yadda. Brother Palmer exits to go do something governmental, and Lady Mac enters with a cup of coffee in hand to tell Palmer that Mrs. Ocean has just told the police that Lady Mac was there to withhold medicine when William Ocean III went down for a dirt nap. Palmer asks Lady Mac if these allegations are true. "Does that really matter?" asks Lady Mac. "Only you could say something like that," says Palmer. God, I feel so bad for Palmer right now. That evil woman who he invited to his office to go do something evil to one of his political opponents hasdone something evil. Why does that keep happening? It's just like how Liza keeps marrying these gay men and Michael Jackson keeps getting sued by these kids who come over to his house to play naked pinball. Lady Mac chastises Palmer for demanding the truth but surrounding himself with people who protect him from the truth nonetheless. "But I don't ask to be protected," says Palmer. "That may be true, but the fact remains you have been," says Lady Mac. "I'm going to take you at your word. I'm actually going to tell you the truth." She proceeds to tell him exactly what happened at the Ocean residence earlier that evening and how she and Mrs. Ocean watched William die and withheld his medication, et cetera. "That's murder," says Palmer. Hey, Palmer, do you have a law degree or something? Lady Mac tells Palmer that she told the police that she had nothing to do with William Ocean's death because she was here with Palmer, and that the police are going to ask Palmer to confirm this. "And you expect me to do that?" says an outraged Palmer. Palmer? Considering that you let her get away with letting a nuclear bomb into the country last season, we not only expect you to "do that," but we are also thinking that you'll fetch her a latte while you're at it. Lady Mac retorts that if Palmer doesn't lie for her, she'll tell the police that she was at the Ocean manse "acting on the President's behalf." Palmer points out that he never told her to kill William Ocean. Lady Mac reminds him that he specifically told her to "take all necessary measures" to solve his problem with William Ocean III. "Now that's a nice sound bite for the media!" says Lady Mac, waving her manicure around. "I never used those words," says Palmer, crinkling up his face. "Well," says Lady Mac, "think it over." She exits. Palmer stares at his desk really hard.
The streets of L.A. While percussive music plays, Amador drives the Amadorado while simultaneously releasing himself from his cuffs with some sort of skeleton key and pouting. He checks himself out in the side view mirror and makes a U-turn to throw off any potential pursuers. Meanwhile, Kiefer and Special Agent Charlie Brown are following him undetected, as they have his location on some sort of Whatever Technology map in the Kiefermobile. Soul Patch is on the phone with them. "Where did you put the transponder?" asks Soul Patch. "In a bandage on his hand," says Kiefer. Klever! Soul Patch is worried, however, that this will all backfire and Amador will simply escape. Kiefer doesn't think so. He feels that Amador needs the help of whoever he's working for in order to escape the country. He asks Soul Patch to have Bitchelle compile a list of all of his contacts over the years. Soul Patch replies that Potato Face is working on it since Bitchelle is inside the Inn Fection. "I'm sorry," says Kiefer, who then reassures Soul Patch that the V-I-R-U-S might have been altered somehow, since they found chemicals and lab equipment back at the Flu Bar. "So you're saying she might have a chance?" says Soul Patch. "I hope so," says Kiefer. Back in the Amadorado, Amador pouts some more and calls Stephen Saunders and tells him about being "detained by some CTU agents." Saunders, who is wearing a mocha turtleneck sweater and putting some test tubes into some clinical-yet-sinister-looking piece of Whatever Technology machinery, asks Amador if he gave them any information about Saunders. Amador says no. "I need a way out of the country," explains Amador. "Was Kiefer one of the agents?" asks Saunders, striking a pose briefly before the question leaves his lips. "Yes," says Amador. Saunders poses some more and reminds him to beware of being followed, and they arrange to meet. After they hang up, Saunders hands a lackey of his a cell phone and reminds him to destroy it after Saunders calls him on it.