Electric Blue Kiefer, Spawn, Palmer, Kiefer, Spawn, Kiefer. Or something like that. Viewer discretion for violence. Portentous voice-over about Kiefer chasing a V-I-R-U-S for the past fifteen hours, with flashback scenes from the past fifteen episodes. Where's Kocaine Kyle? Where are the Salazar brothers? Where's Dr. Anne? Tater Tot? Gone like Trotsky from a USSR high school textbook. Judging from the flash-forward introducing the nine final episodes, it's all about Saunders now. Stephen Saunders. No, not the balding frat-weasel from . That was Steve Sanders. Saunders is British. And therefore, a superior classy villain. As I hope we'll find out. Because he's looking kind of smug and annoying in this preview.
Previouslys. Lady Mac kills Milliken…or fails to save his life, depending on how you look at it. Euro villains bring the HoYay! Kiefer kaptures Faggy Amador and learns about the V-I-R-U-S planted in the Chandler Hotel. CTU calls the Chandler Hotel security office, where Gay Matt from Melrose is in charge. Bitchelle and Gael arrive there too late. The V-I-R-U-S has been directed through the airways, and Gael gets a faceful of Cordilla. The following takes place between 4:00 AM and 5:00 AM.
We open with the very image that we closed with five weeks ago: the whirring fan blades down in the basement of Inn Fection. Gael, who just got powdered seconds ago, is clean as a whistle and calmly calling GayMattFromMelrose on his cell to tell him that "a toxic substance" has been released into the air. "Where's the air conditioning control panel?" asks Gael. Gay Matt from Melrose, who happens to know exactly where Gael is standing, tells Gael to reach to his left and flip a bunch of switches which will turn the air conditioning off. God, this hotel sucks. Not only is it a death trap, but there's no central air. Gael does this. Gay Matt asks Gael how bad the release of this toxic substance is. "Just taking precautions," says a brave Gael.
Elsewhere in the basement of Inn Fection, Bitchelle still has Alvers chained to some pipes. "How much of the V-I-R-U-S was released?" asks Bitchelle. "Enough to kill everyone in the building!" replies Alvers, sounding more like Grampa Simpson than the international chemist of terror that he's supposed to be. Bitchelle asks if there are any other vials planted in other locations. "Don't you get it?" asks Alvers. "We're all going to die!" After some more questioning from Bitchelle, Alvers admits that there are eleven other vials in L.A., but he doesn't know where they're planted. Bitchelle's phone rings. She has an agent-extra keep an eye on Alvers and goes into another room to answer it. It's Soul Patch. Bitchelle briefs him on the release of the V-I-R-U-S into Inn Fection's ventilation system moments before Gael was able to shut the air down. "Gael was in direct contact?" asks Soul Patch, not understanding that the agents entered the building without Hazmat protection. He repeats what we've all heard from episodes: that anyone injected with the Cordilla Virus will be symptomatic in fourteen hours and no one can leave the building. Hmmm. That doesn't sound right, does it? I mean, there are only nine episodes left in the season, right? Do we have to wait until season to find out if Gael and Bitchelle are going to die?
Bitchelle informs Soul Patch about the eleven other vials planted elsewhere in the city. "Alvers told you this?" asks Soul Patch. "I just left him," says Bitchelle. "He could have been exposed to the V-I-R-U-S!" says Soul Patch. "How did he get outside the hotel?" Bitchelle informs him that Alvers is still in the basement. "Are you inside?" asks Soul Patch. Oops! Soul Patch orders her to get out of the hotel as soon as Health Services arrives. Bitchelle responds that there's no way she can leave, as there are only seven agents inside and a thousand guests who could go into panic mode at any moment. "I've been exposed," she says. "There's nothing anyone can do." They hang up.
Back at the Flu Bar, behind the Greg Brady beaded curtain, Kiefer is trying to get information from Faggy Amador. "I need to know who you are working for," says Kiefer -- a far more polite version of "who are you working for?" I guess it's a new, politer CTU. Like when you go into couples therapy and your boyfriend learns to say, "You need to take out the garbage," instead of "Take out the fucking garbage!" "Do what you want to me," says Amador. "I'm telling you nothing." Kiefer threatens to put him a room door with the V-I-R-U-S. Amador doesn't flinch. Kiefer's phone rings. It's Chappelle, informing him that about the V-I-R-U-S being released into the Chandler Hotel and the other eleven unknown vials. Kiefer tells Chappelle that Amador isn't giving him any names. Chappelle orders Kiefer to bring Amador back to CTU and let Richards (or Johnson) loose on him. Kiefer reminds him of their experiences with Richards (and Johnson) and asks Chappelle to trust him. He's got a plan. Kiefer orders Amador against the wall. "Knees," says Kiefer, his lips close to Amador's left ear. Amador drops to his knees…and Kiefer handcuffs him to a really flimsy-looking radiator pipe. "I'll be right back," says Kiefer. Oh, and here's the keys to these handcuffs, Amador, just in case your wrists get sore and you want to go across the hall and get a Coke from the machine. Special Agent Charlie Brown -- virtually absent from tonight's episode -- shows Kiefer what they found in the incubation room. They discuss something about containing the V-I-R-U-S within the Chandler Hotel, but I have to confess that I have no idea what they are talking about.
Look who's back. It's Nicole Duncan from Health Services, who is supposed to be at the Inn Fection with those Hazmat suits, but it seems that she's still packing up the van. Her hair looks good, but I am seriously starting to see skull beneath her skin. She's beyond "rough" at this point. She's looking and sounding like Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy with a head cold after a coke-fueled night of sex with Michael Bergin, a carton of Parliaments, a slap fight with John-John, and a game of hide and seek in the rain-soaked streets of Tribeca with a dozen paparazzi. She's on the phone with Soul Patch, discussing strategy for containing the V-I-R-U-S and the mobile lab they're going to set up on site. Soul Patch casually mentions Bitchelle being inside the hotel, and Nicole is shocked. They hang up when Chappelle enters Soul Patch's office. They discuss the fact that no one can leave or enter Inn Fection and if anyone tries otherwise, CTU agents should be ordered to "shoot to kill."
Back at the lobby of Inn Fection, Gael, Bitchelle, and GayMattFromMelrose meet up. Gael confirms that he has just blocked off the exits, and Bitchelle asks Gay Matt to shut down the elevators. "It's that serious?" asks Gay Matt. Where have you been, Gay Matt? When leather-clad federal agents show up in your hotel and start handcuffing people to pipes, I'd say it's serious. And isn't there someone you could be hugging right now? Bitchelle explains that she's trying to prevent mass panic. Gay Matt argues -- astutely, I must admit -- that a shutdown of hotel operations will create said mass panic, and asks about cell phones. Bitchelle explains that they've put some sort of Whatever Technology block on everyone's cell phones but theirs. "Are we going to survive this?" asks Gay Matt from Melrose. "That's what we're here to insure," says Bitchelle…after a brief pause. Gael tells Gay Matt that they're relying on his "leadership." And by "leadership," I think they mean "cluelessness." Lastly, they ask him to shut down the fire alarm. For some Whatever Technology reason, according to Gay Matt, the fire alarm shutdown will take some time. He exits to make that happen. "I know that you wouldn't have been exposed to the V-I-R-U-S if it wasn't for me," says Bitchelle to Gael now that they are alone. "You didn't have us do anything we wouldn't have done on our own," says Gael. Yep, he's gonna die soon.
Elsewhere inside Inn Fection, a employee named Margolis is punching out and leaving the building. Margolis looks like a middle-aged Elijah Wood. Gay Matt tells him he needs to stay. "I can't do any O.T.," says MiddleAgedElijahWood. "My wife's a week overdue." Man with pregnant wife? Man who's going to die soon. Just saying. Gay Matt lies about an "irritant" in the air that might require extra personnel to deal with the guests who might be affected. "But I promise to get you out of here as soon as I can," says Gay Matt. MiddleAgedElijahWood is unimpressed.
Flu Bar. Wow, whadda shock -- Amador jimmies the pipe and escapes from CTU custody. Double shock -- Spawn is tracking him on a CTU computer. And that's about the only thing she's going to do tonight. ["At least until the V-I-R-U-S hits the big-cat section of the L.A. zoo." -- Sars] She calls Kiefer and tells him that Amador has left the building. The time is 4:11:46 AM.
Okay, you know how at the end of this Steven Segal ad for Mountain Dew, the words "Do the Dew!" show up on the glass doors of the convenience store? I have seen this ad at least six times, and every single time those words appear, I swear for a second it says, "Do the Jew!" and I do a double take.
The time is 4:16:24 AM. Palmer is getting the news from Brother Palmer about the happenings at Inn Fection: 1000 guests, more V-I-R-U-S planted elsewhere, no one allowed in or out, curtail mass panic, yadda yadda yadda. Brother Palmer exits to go do something governmental, and Lady Mac enters with a cup of coffee in hand to tell Palmer that Mrs. Ocean has just told the police that Lady Mac was there to withhold medicine when William Ocean III went down for a dirt nap. Palmer asks Lady Mac if these allegations are true. "Does that really matter?" asks Lady Mac. "Only you could say something like that," says Palmer. God, I feel so bad for Palmer right now. That evil woman who he invited to his office to go do something evil to one of his political opponents has…done something evil. Why does that keep happening? It's just like how Liza keeps marrying these gay men and Michael Jackson keeps getting sued by these kids who come over to his house to play naked pinball. Lady Mac chastises Palmer for demanding the truth but surrounding himself with people who protect him from the truth nonetheless. "But I don't ask to be protected," says Palmer. "That may be true, but the fact remains you have been," says Lady Mac. "I'm going to take you at your word. I'm actually going to tell you the truth." She proceeds to tell him exactly what happened at the Ocean residence earlier that evening and how she and Mrs. Ocean watched William die and withheld his medication, et cetera. "That's murder," says Palmer. Hey, Palmer, do you have a law degree or something? Lady Mac tells Palmer that she told the police that she had nothing to do with William Ocean's death because she was here with Palmer, and that the police are going to ask Palmer to confirm this. "And you expect me to do that?" says an outraged Palmer. Palmer? Considering that you let her get away with letting a nuclear bomb into the country last season, we not only expect you to "do that," but we are also thinking that you'll fetch her a latte while you're at it. Lady Mac retorts that if Palmer doesn't lie for her, she'll tell the police that she was at the Ocean manse "acting on the President's behalf." Palmer points out that he never told her to kill William Ocean. Lady Mac reminds him that he specifically told her to "take all necessary measures" to solve his problem with William Ocean III. "Now that's a nice sound bite for the media!" says Lady Mac, waving her manicure around. "I never used those words," says Palmer, crinkling up his face. "Well," says Lady Mac, "think it over." She exits. Palmer stares at his desk really hard.
The streets of L.A. While percussive music plays, Amador drives the Amadorado while simultaneously releasing himself from his cuffs with some sort of skeleton key and pouting. He checks himself out in the side view mirror and makes a U-turn to throw off any potential pursuers. Meanwhile, Kiefer and Special Agent Charlie Brown are following him undetected, as they have his location on some sort of Whatever Technology map in the Kiefermobile. Soul Patch is on the phone with them. "Where did you put the transponder?" asks Soul Patch. "In a bandage on his hand," says Kiefer. Klever! Soul Patch is worried, however, that this will all backfire and Amador will simply escape. Kiefer doesn't think so. He feels that Amador needs the help of whoever he's working for in order to escape the country. He asks Soul Patch to have Bitchelle compile a list of all of his contacts over the years. Soul Patch replies that Potato Face is working on it since Bitchelle is inside the Inn Fection. "I'm sorry," says Kiefer, who then reassures Soul Patch that the V-I-R-U-S might have been altered somehow, since they found chemicals and lab equipment back at the Flu Bar. "So you're saying she might have a chance?" says Soul Patch. "I hope so," says Kiefer. Back in the Amadorado, Amador pouts some more and calls Stephen Saunders and tells him about being "detained by some CTU agents." Saunders, who is wearing a mocha turtleneck sweater and putting some test tubes into some clinical-yet-sinister-looking piece of Whatever Technology machinery, asks Amador if he gave them any information about Saunders. Amador says no. "I need a way out of the country," explains Amador. "Was Kiefer one of the agents?" asks Saunders, striking a pose briefly before the question leaves his lips. "Yes," says Amador. Saunders poses some more and reminds him to beware of being followed, and they arrange to meet. After they hang up, Saunders hands a lackey of his a cell phone and reminds him to destroy it after Saunders calls him on it.
On another street, a convoy of three Health Services vans are heading toward Inn Fection at what looks to be a speed of about 30 miles an hour, despite the fact that there's no traffic. Um, could ya hurry? They needed those Hazmat suits an hour ago? Inside one of the vans, Dr. Nicole is talking to Soul Patch, who tells her about the altered V-I-R-U-S. Dr. Nicole says she'll know nothing about said V-I-R-U-S alteration until she shows up at the Inn Fection and studies it herself. Soul Patch starts asking her questions about exposure -- could someone survive if they left the exposed area quickly, for instance. "Once you're exposed, you're exposed," says Dr. Nicole, uncomfortable because she knows why this is important to Soul Patch. Soul Patch asks if the V-I-R-U-S alteration would increase the survival rate. "We'll do everything we can for her," says Dr. Nicole, meaning Bitchelle, her face in her hands.
Back inside Inn Fection, Gael and Bitchelle are on the phone with various agents, learning the contamination rates of various locations throughout the hotel. They conclude that the entire hotel is contaminated. Bitchelle has Gael call NHS while she calls CTU with the latest news, but before her call goes through, Bitchelle turns off her phone. "Gael," she says, looking -- it seems -- at something behind him. A reaction shot of Gael shows that his nose has just started to bleed. Frantic xylophone music plays while Gael tries to stop the blood and keep Bitchelle away from him. The time is 04:24:28
The time is 04:28:52. Back at Inn Fection, Gael is shown briefly wiping the blood unsuccessfully from his face with a rag in the privacy of some nook in the basement. Wow, it's a scene from The Passion of the Christ. Gael's even got a chin-length bob, just like Jesus. Elsewhere, Bitchelle confronts Alvers, who is still cuffed in the basement. "One of my agents just started showing symptoms," she says. "What is going on?" Alvers doesn't answer. She slaps him across the face. "Tell me! You're the chemist, what did you do?" So much for the new, politer CTU. "Under one condition," says Alvers. Bitchelle tells him he's in no position to be making demands. Alvers reminds her that he's dying and his knowledge dies with him. He promises to tell her what she needs to know. "Just swear to me that you'll kill me once the symptoms start," he says. Bitchelle nods almost imperceptibly.
Back in Palmerville, Palmer is taking a pill from -- I assume -- that vial of pills that Dr. Anne gave him. Brother Palmer enters Palmer's office and briefs him on the latest at Inn Fection. He also tells him that the LAPD just called him and informed him that they consider Lady Mac to be a flight risk, and they have a warrant for her arrest. He urges Palmer to lie on Lady Mac's behalf. "There's nothing to think about," he says. "Perjury and injustice are nothing to think about?" asks Palmer. Shut up, Palmer. Brother Palmer reminds him that he has the most powerful legal counsel in the world at his disposal. Palmer argues that it will never hold. "Are you going to let everything that you've accomplished -- and I do mean everything -- be destroyed because of Lady Mac's indiscretion?" asks Brother Palmer. "You're calling murder an indiscretion?" says Palmer. Shut up, Palmer. Brother Palmer reminds Palmer that if Lady Mac goes down, she'll take Palmer with her. "I want to see the Chief of Police," says Palmer.
CTU. Remember Potato Face? Remember Adam the Woman Hater? Remember Spawn? Well, they're still at CTU, plugging away on their computers. Soul Patch enters, and Spawn tells him that Bitchelle is on the line. Soul Patch takes the call. Bitchelle tells him about Gael's nosebleed. "So the incubation period is no longer fourteen hours," says Soul Patch. No shit, Sherlock. Bitchelle explains that Alvers added an "accelerant" to the V-I-R-U-S. Like that makes sense. If the symptoms show up sooner, that only makes the V-I-R-U-S less deadly. People need to be asymptomatic longer in order to spread it around more efficiently. "Were you exposed to his blood?" asks Soul Patch. Bitchelle replies that she wasn't, but points out that the V-I-R-U-S is everywhere in the hotel. "Bitchelle…" says Soul Patch. "We can't do this now," says Bitchelle.
Back in Inn Fection, MiddleAgedElijahWood is in Gay Matt's office, demanding to know what's going on. Gay Matt feigns ignorance. "There are people outside this hotel with guns and every door I've tried is locked," says MiddleAgedElijahWood. Gay Matt stonewalls him -- geddit? -- and tells him to stay calm. In yet another slight massage of the "real time" format, MiddleAgedElijahWood is all of a sudden in the basement of Inn Fection, roaming around, looking for a way out.
Elsewhere inside Inn Fection, Gael gets a phone call. It's Bitchelle. By the way? Bitchelle should have her own video game a la Lara Croft. She's got that signature hair. Something about that single tendril of curly hair that falls perfectly across her face no matter what scene she's in. Bitchelle asks him how he's feeling. Gael responds that the bleeding "stops and starts" and that he feels weak. Bitchelle promises that a doctor will check him out as soon as NHS gets here -- in other words? As soon as hell freezes over. Gael tells Bitchelle to urge NHS to hurry. "You're going to have a hard time keeping people in the hotel once they wake up," he says, pausing to bend over and cough a lot. The camera pulls back to reveal MiddleAgedElijahWood hiding in the basement, listening to every word. MAEW pulls a fire alarm and finds a set of master keys…and a handgun. Bitchelle and Gael hear the alarm. Bitchelle tells him she'll call him back. Bitchelle runs up to the lobby and asks Gay Matt why the fire alarm went off. Gay Matt doesn't know. She demands that the lobby staff get ready to tell all the guests to stay in their rooms because it's a false alarm. "Everybody else, man the doors! Nobody gets out!" she says. The time is 4:36:45.
The time is 04:41:00 PM. Amador is still in the Amadorado, assuring Stephen Saunders that he's not being followed. Saunders tells him to park near the agreed-upon location and walk the rest of the way. "Look for a silver Ford," he says. "I'll need some cash to help me get out of the country," says Amador. "You'll have that as well," assures Saunders. Amador pouts and then hangs up. Back at CTU, Spawn tells Kiefer of Amador's location.
Inn Fection. In the basement, MAEW is still scurrying around looking for an exit. Meanwhile, upstairs, dozens of guests are filing into the lobby due to the fire alarm. Bitchelle is trying to assure them that it's a false alarm. It's not mass panic, but no one is going back to their rooms fast enough either. Bitchelle has to reassure one man that everything is okay. He's not buying it because the door is locked and he can't go outside. "What is going on?" he asks all James Woods-style. An annoying Asian woman wants to know why there are all these armed guards outside wearing gas masks. Bitchelle, thinking fast, tells everyone that there's a toxic substance outside, and that she didn't want anyone panicking and rushing outside. "You are safe as long as you stay inside the hotel," says Bitchelle. "But until we get a clean-up crew, it is not safe to go outside." "How long are we going to be here?" asks James Woods. ["It's 4:30 in the damn morning, James Woods. Where do you have be, the breakfast buffet?" -- Sars] "Why don't our phones work?" asks Annoying Asian Woman. Gay Matt interrupts Bitchelle to tell her about a fire door open elsewhere. Bitchelle rushes over and Gay Matt stays behind to calm the crowd down.
The fire door is not open, but MAEW is about to pick it open. Bitchelle commands him to stop. "I'm getting out of here," says MAEW, drawing the gun on Bitchelle. Bitchelle puts her hands up. "I'm a federal agent," says Bitchelle. "Drop the gun." She repeats her lie about a toxic substance outside the hotel. MAEW tells her that he knows about Gael. "I know that something bad is in this hotel." "You're right," says Bitchelle. "That's why you can't go outside. Everyone in this hotel is going to get very sick." MAEW just wants to get home to his wife. "If you do, you'll give it to her," says Bitchelle. "Anyone who leaves this hotel could spread this disease," says Bitchelle. "Tens of thousands of people could die. You don't want to be responsible for that, do you?" MAEW is all, "Oh God!" While he freaks out, Bitchelle comes up behind him and takes his gun. "Now that you know we have to isolate you," she says apologetically. Her cell phone rings. It's Gay Matt. He needs her back in the lobby because Annoying Asian Woman has started bleeding nasally. The time is 04:46:38.
The time is 04:53:03. Palmerville. Brother Palmer enters Palmer's office and introduces "Chief Hendricks" to him. Palmer tells Chief Hendricks that Lady Mac was with him while William Palmer was dying. Shut up, Palmer.
In a parking lot somewhere, Kiefer watches as Amador waits to meet with Saunders's lackey. Amador -- butt tight -- simpers over to Sanders's lackey's car and gets in. Saunders's lackey hands him a briefcase. Amador opens it to check what's inside. It explodes. Bye, Amador. Kiefer and Charlie Brown run down but it's too late. Kiefer's phone rings. It's Saunders, taunting him. "I need you to put me in touch with a friend of yours," says Saunders.
Meanwhile back at Inn Fection, James Woods is vindicated as more guests succumb to nosebleeds and panic ensues. James Woods throws a fire extinguisher through the glass doors. Bitchelle fires a shot into the air. "Step away from the window," she says. "If you try to leave, I will shoot you." "No you won't," says James Woods. He runs for the opening he made. Bitchelle shoots him. Twice. In the back. The guests in the lobby -- if they weren't paying attention to Bitchelle initially, they are now -- are obeying Bitchelle. Split screens. Palmer's phone rings. It's Kiefer. With Saunders on the line. "I'm in possession of enough of the V-I-R-U-S to decimate a good portion of the population," says Saunders. "And as I've shown at the Chandler Plaza Hotel, I will do so." Saunders goes on to explain that if Palmer doesn't use the full powers of his office, the V-I-R-U-S will be released. The time is 4:59:58…4:59:59…5:00:00.