Graphic violence warning. Yay! 24. Blip blip blip blip blip. Previouslys. Lady Mac (a.k.a. Palmer's "psychopathic ex-wife" tm William Ocean, III) was back. Amador set up a meeting to exchange money for the V-I-R-U-S. CTU got disconnected from Kiefer again. Instead of sitting in a lockdown for disobeying orders, Secret Agent Charlie Brown had lots of soot on his face and was telling the Delta teams what to do. Hector wanted to call off the deal, so Hartmano shot him...in the back. The following takes place between 12:00 AM and 1:00 AM.
CTU. Soul Patch and Bitchelle are walking across the floor to the briefing room. "This is our one chance at getting the [V-I-R-U-S], so make sure everyone knows what's at stake," says Soul Patch. "They're aware," says Bitchelle through gritted teeth. "I'm just saying, it's all going to come down in the hour," says Soul Patch. God, it's like they're debuting a Broadway musical. Soul Patch is Roy Scheider, the tormented director/choreographer in All That Jazz and Bitchelle is Cassie, the over the hill chorus girl in A Chorus Line. When Bitchelle assures Soul Patch that she and everyone else knows what's at stake and she doesn't need to be reminded of this every twelve seconds, Soul Patch is all, "Too many things can go wrong here. We don't need another mistake!" They stare each other down for a few moments, and Bitchelle casts a brief glance at the bandage on his neck as if she's considering whether the wound underneath is to blame for Soul Patch's current temperament. Soul Patch asks if Bitchelle has heard from Kiefer in the last few minutes. Bitchelle says she hasn't. Meanwhile, Potato Face is listening from behind a room divider.
Back in Whatever, Mexico, Hector isn't dead yet. As Kiefer, Nina, and various Salazar flunkies look on, he lies in a pool of his own blood, Hartmano lecturing him about how he should have listened and stuck to the plan. One of the Salazar flunkies warns Hartmano that Hector will die if they don't get him to the hospital. Hartmano rules out taking Hector to the hospital: "They'll ask questions." A gong sounds to highlight Hartmano's audacity. Well, actually, it's more like a digital gong sound courtesy of Sean Galley. The room goes silent. Even Nina is appalled. She gives Kiefer a glance as if to say, "Omigod, can you believe this?" Hector moans for mercy. Hartmano puts another bullet into him. Buh-bye, Hector. "I'm sorry," says Kiefer, approaching Hartmano. "But we have to go." Hartmano asks one of the flunkies to arrange for a "proper burial," and everyone starts to file out of there. "You're making a big mistake," shrieks Nina to Hartmano. "He's setting you up! He's working for CTU. Hector was right!" Hartmano tells her to shut up: "Don't mention my brother's name ever!" They stare each other down for several moments until Hartmano orders everyone back into the cars.
In Palmerville, Lady Mac approaches a glass-walled conference rooms, where Palmer is having a meeting. She waits until the meeting is over and everyone files out. The first person out is Brother Palmer, who pointedly ignores her. When Palmer is alone, Lady Mac enters and tells him she's leaving the office to go do something William Ocean, III-related. Palmer asks her for some information about the leverage she has with William Ocean, III. Lady Mac claims that she can't divulge any details. Palmer pauses briefly, and finally decides to let this go. I mean, sure, she brought nuclear weapons into the country just to embarrass him, but hey, that was three years ago, and that's why pencils have erasers. There's no need to check up on Lady Mac. Palmer is concerned, however, that Lady Mac refused a Secret Service escort. "That's because the person I'm seeing might scare if I don't come alone," says Lady Mac. "Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself." Palmer assures her that he knows she can, and Lady Mac turns to leave. She pauses briefly at the door and says, "I still believe in your presidency." Um, you'd better, Lady Mac, since it's his presidential pardon that's keeping your ass out of jail right now. She assures him that William Ocean, III will be stopped.
Back at CTU, Soul Patch is briefing the staff (or, rather, explaining to the audience was isn't going to happen). He points out Posta Mita on a map -- the location where the V-I-R-U-S will be given to Nina in a half-hour -- and states that there are Delta teams bunkered two minutes away from the site ready to intercept the V-I-R-U-S as soon as Kiefer gives konfirmation. Bitchelle asks if Kiefer's transmitter is working yet. Soul Patch replies that it isn't, but that Special Agent Charlie Brown will be the eyes and ears of the operation. "Who is running s-com?" asks Bitchelle. At that point, Potato Face announces that she is running s-com -- whatever s-com is -- and then proceeds to deliver an explanation of some software she wrote that comes out of her mouth so fast, I can't tell what she's saying no matter how often I rewind my TiVo. Bitchelle thanks Potato Face for the info.
Back at Posta Mita, "militaristic" music plays -- synthesized "rat-a-tat" drums and blaring Casio trumpets -- as sooty-faced Special Agent Charlie Brown sets up a Whatever Technology listening device mere yards away from the building where Nina and Amador are to meet. The Salazar Motorcade enters the parking lot -- that was fast -- and, unobserved, Charlie Brown witnesses everyone emerging from their SUVs. Kiefer pulls Hartmano aside and tells him that his men have to be "out of sight" before Amador arrives. Hartmano agrees, and tells everyone, in Spanish, to disappear. Meanwhile, Nina is still trying to convince Hartmano that Kiefer is setting them up. "I can prove it," she announces. Hartmano pulls Nina aside and asks her how she can prove it. As Kiefer sneaks a listen, Nina tells Hartmano that she knows how CTU operates, and that there will be a reconnaissance man watching them from a vantage point. "And you know where that man would be?" asks Hartmano. "Straight ahead, there's some high ground," says Nina breathlessly. "I bet he's there or ninety degrees west of the tree line." Hartmano orders a couple of men to investigate the locations that Nina's mentioned. "Approach from the sides in case the lady is right," Hartmano warns them. "I am right," Nina insists. Another shot of Chase informs us that he is still watching and listening.
Back at CTU, Adam the Woman Hater drops by Spawn's desk to give her some Whatever files to format. "What is that?" he asks, noticing the baby. "It's a baby," says Spawn. Hee! "Yeah, I can see it's a baby," says Adam. "But whose baby is it?" Spawn tells him that it's Potato Face's, and explains about the regular babysitter's family emergency. Meanwhile, the baby -- who is totally cute, by the way -- is looking up at Adam as if to say, "Don't look at me, I have no idea what I'm doing in this scene either!" Adam claims that this is impossible, because Potato Face doesn't have a baby. And he would know, because he had to run a background check on her when she was hired. Weird Stepford Wives piano music starts playing as Spawn is all, "She's never had a baby?" "No," says Adam the Woman Hater. "It's definitely not her kid." And he can tell, because this baby doesn't have horns or hooves. The baby just keeps looking at Spawn as if to say, "Hey, what are you going to do? Interrogate me?"
Back at Posta Mita, Kiefer has entered the Mine Shaft before anyone else. He pulls a board off one of the windows and studies the outside with his night-vision telescope -- presumably to make sure that Chase can observe the V-I-R-U-S deal from his vantage point. Hartmano radios his flunkies to see if they found the CTU agents at the locations Nina described. One of them responds immediately to report that no one was found. But the second flunkie, Pablo, doesn't answer immediately. "Pablo, can you hear me?" asks Hartmano, all Barbra Striesand. "They got to him," snorts Nina. Hartmano keeps trying the radio, but Nina assures him that Pablo is dead. "And they're coming for you ," warns Nina. Kiefer walks over and asks what's going on. "What did you say to him?" Kiefer asks. Nina is silent. All of a sudden, the radio crackles to life. It's Pablo. "Do you see anything?" asks Hartmano. A close-up of Pablo shows him telling Hartmano that he doesn't see anything: "There's no one here." Hartmano tells Pablo to keep his eyes open and get back to him if he does see anyone. The camera pulls back to show Special Agent Charlie Brown with a knife at Pablo's neck. As soon as Pablo gets off the radio, Charlie knocks him out. Hartmano turns to Nina. "No more lies," he warns her. "Amador will be here in fifteen minutes. Confirm that he has the [V-I-R-U-S], give him his money, and bring the [V-I-R-U-S] back to us. If you try to escape or communicate anything to Amador, we will kill you!" "Understood," says Nina. The time is 12:12:09 PM.
The time is 12:16:24 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Nina sits in profile; Special Agent Charlie Brown does something; Kiefer looks back as though he's looking at Nina; and Spawn formats files as she baby-sits. Potato Face enters to check on the baby. Spawn stands up and blurts, "Adam just told me that you're not the mother of this child!" Potato Face explains that the baby really belongs to her boyfriend, Eric. "So why isn't he taking care of his daughter?" asks Spawn. "Because that's the first place his ex-wife would look," replies Potato Face, who goes onto to explain that Eric's ex-wife has a new boyfriend who has been abusing the baby. "So why doesn't the ex-wife stop the boyfriend?" asks Spawn. "Because apparently she's in some sort of denial," says Potato Face, raising her eyebrows in this really scary way. "So why doesn't he call Child Protective Services?" asks Spawn, conveniently forgetting that she took the law into her own hands last season when she kidnapped JonBenet. Potato Face explains that Social Services has been called, but that a social worker can't make a visit until tomorrow. "He's afraid by then it will be too late," Potato Face adds. "He's kidnapping Angela?" exclaims Spawn. "Technically," says Potato Face, doing the eyebrow-raise again. "But just for tonight." "Kidnapping is a felony!" chides Spawn. Oh yeah, Spawn? So why isn't your ass in jail? Potato Face dares Spawn to call the police: "But if this child is returned to its mother and something bad happens, then that's on you!" Their conversation is interrupted by Bitchelle, who tells Potato Face that Soul Patch needs her on the floor post-haste. The women pause until Bitchelle is all, "Is there a problem?" Potato Face stares Spawn down until Spawn says that there's "no problem." "Let me know how much of her bottle she takes," says Potato Face to Spawn, following Bitchelle down the stairs.
The time is 12:18:21 PM. Voyeur-Cam shows us Lady Mac knocking on the door of a mobile home. The aluminum door swings open with a feeble "thwack!," and a real backwoodsy middle-aged guy steps out. He's balding, and is wearing a flannel shirt over a wifebeater. Because, you see, the laws of the television universe clearly state that if you live in a mobile home but have no "wife" to "beat," you must cover up your wifebeater with an outer garment of some sort, preferably a flannel shirt or something else you could purchase at a Wal-Mart. "Mr. Kelly?" asks Lady Mac. Mister Kelly invites her in. Voyeur-Cam shows the door closing behind her. Inside, Kelly tells Lady Mac to have a seat, and offers her a drink. Lady Mac sits down and watches with discomfort as he guzzles a juice glass full of what looks to be either Southern Comfort or Jim Beam. "We appreciate your help on this," says Lady Mac. "'We' meaning 'you and the President,' right?" asks Kelly. Lady Mac assures Kelly that she is representing the President, and for some reason, Kelly doesn't question her on the fact that everyone in America knows that Palmer kicked Lady Mac to the curb over four years ago. Like, if Marla Maples showed up at your house to discuss business with you on behalf of "The Donald," wouldn't you at least cock an eyebrow or something? Nevertheless, they get down to business, and start to discuss the fact that William Ocean, III was driving the car that hit and killed Kelly's daughter twelve years ago. At first, Kelly tries to deny what happened, but then Lady Mac whips out a copy of a bank statement from an account set up in Kelly's name three weeks after the accident, into which a large amount of money was deposited. "This was to keep your mouth shut, wasn't it?" asks Lady Mac. Kelly admits that he saw the accident and got the license plate number and everything, but kept quiet in return for some cash. "It was blood money and I took it," says Kelly, neglecting to explain why he's still living in a trailer park despite having one of America's richest men by the balls. When Lady Mac tries to persuade him to hold a press conference to set things straight, Kelly demands something in return: he wants Palmer to pardon his son who is serving a life sentence for murder.
Back at Posta Mita, Kiefer keeps a lookout for Amador. After Hartmano moves out of earshot, Nina keeps hounding Kiefer about working for CTU. "You don't know anything," says Kiefer, in velvety outrage. "My interests happen to coincide with Hartmano's at this point." "You may have convinced everyone else of that, but I don't believe it," hisses Nina. Kiefer warns her that she's going to get killed if she "keeps shooting [her] mouth off." Nina retorts that Hartmano will kill both of them when he gets the V-I-R-U-S once and for all. Hartmano enters with two bodyguards, who uncuff Nina. He tells the bodyguards to kill her if she causes any trouble.
Chase sees Nina leave with the bodyguard, and I have to admit that I'm confused at this point, because I thought they they were doing the deal in this building, but apparently they're going to some other building. Chase reports this information back to Potato Face at CTU, who passes the word on to Soul Patch, who tells everyone at CTU to get in place for the V-I-R-U-S trade. Bitchelle is told to ready the Delta teams. "This is it," says Soul Patch. Yeah, right. The time is 12:23:14 AM.
The time is 12:27:28 AM. CTU. As Potato Face communicates with Special Agent Charlie Brown about the V-I-R-U-S exchange, Soul Patch's cell rings. It's Spawn. "I need to talk to you in private," she says. "Right now?" asks Soul Patch. Spawn insists that she has something urgent to discuss with him about Potato Face.
Back in Palmerville, Palmer has just gotten a call from Lady Mac, who is standing outside Kelly's trailer and explaining what she has on William Ocean, III. Oh, good thing she didn't tell him what she was up to earlier in the hour. Those twelve minutes of ignorant bliss really helped out. "You want me to pardon this man's son? A convicted murderer?" Palmer exclaims into the phone. As Brother Palmer listens on speakerphone, Lady Mac explains about Kelly's being paid off to keep quiet about William Ocean, III's accident. "He'll swear to this?" asks Palmer. "All you have to do is pardon the son!" says Lady Mac. Palmer needs some time to think it over. He hangs up with Lady Mac, and asks Brother Palmer what he thinks. Brother Palmer doesn't like the sound of it. "Give in to [William Ocean, III], accept my resignation, and he'll back off," says Brother Palmer. ["For real. That's what would happen in real life." -- Wing Chun] Palmer insists he can't let William Ocean, III dictate his decisions. "But you're going to let your ex-wife convince you to grant a quid pro quo pardon to a convicted murderer," retorts Brother Palmer. See, at some point in the day, Palmer learned to embrace the backroom deal, and Brother Palmer became the moral center of Palmer's cabinet. Funny how that just happened. Palmer brings up Brother Palmer's wanting to pay off Dr. Anne's ex-husband. Brother Palmer doesn't have a response, other than, "You know I have your best interests at heart." Palmer assures Brother Palmer that the only way to fight someone is to "get down in the mud with him." "So you're going to grant the pardon?" asks Brother Palmer. "I don't know what I'm going to do," says Palmer.
Back at CTU, I don't know who is stupider: Spawn for interrupting Soul Patch during the V-I-R-U-S exchange to whine about Potato Face's baby or Soul Patch himself for not telling Spawn to "zip it" while he supervises an important military exercise. They meet in an empty conference room, where Spawn tells Soul Patch about the confusing origin of Tater Tot, and how Potato Face doesn't have a child. "I confronted her, and she said that this was her boyfriend's baby and the mother of this child was letting it get abused," says Spawn. "But I spoke to Child Protective Services, and they said that there was no abuse claim filed." As if Child Protective Services has staff working around the clock whose primary purpose is to answer questions like that. Spawn is worried that Potato Face is unstable, and that her mental state could affect the interception of the V-I-R-U-S. Soul Patch tells Spawn to "take a step back" and consider that Potato Face is the only person in the office who can "filter audio streams" and thus keep them in touch with Charlie Brown, who in turn is in touch with Kiefer. "We don't have an alternative; we have got to keep [Potato Face] in place!" insists Soul Patch, ordering Spawn to take care of the baby until this operation is over. "I do not want [Potato Face] distracted!" he says. Although he admits that he's not too happy about the latest turn of events, either. Spawn has no choice but to suck it up.
Back at Kelly's trailer, Lady Mac enters to find no sign of Kelly. Furthermore, the place is ransacked. Okay, by "ransacked," I mean there's an unmade bed and some overturned liquor bottles and glasses. In other words, it looks like my apartment on any given night of the week. Wasn't Lady Mac standing a few feet away for a grand total of five minutes? Where'd Kelly go? It's not like he has a back door or a basement. She notices some blood on the kitchen wall. She panics and flees the trailer. As music plays that sounds like someone dragging a stick across a picket fence, Lady Mac runs to her car and searches frantically through her faux-Birkin Bag for her keys. Off in the distance, a parked car puts on its headlights and moves toward Lady Mac. Just as Lady Mac is about to lose her mind, the car passes her and turns out to be driven by an elderly couple who look like they belong in a Roz Chast cartoon. She finally finds her keys and reaches the safety of her car.
Back at CTU, Special Agent Charlie Brown reports that Amador and company have arrived. And again, I'm confused. I thought they were taking Nina somewhere else to do the deal, but Amador is parking in front of what looks like the same building they were all just in. Only Kiefer is inside, looking out through the window with his night-vision goggles. I guess they didn't really go inside that building, and instead went to another building, where they set up their vantage point. Anyway, Soul Patch confirms with Charlie Brown that the Delta forces are ninety seconds away, and will only rush in to intercept the V-I-R-U-S once they have confirmation that Nina has it. Inside the Whatever Building, Amador enters to find Nina standing there with the Salazar bodyguard. "Do you have it?" Nina asks. Amador confirms that he does. Nina says she will transfer the funds to his account once she verifies the V-I-R-U-S. Amador takes out a glowing greed test tube, which Nina places in some contraption that apparently is able to "verify" the V-I-R-U-S. Like, if there was a machine out there that could verify if something's the V-I-R-U-S or not, wouldn't that suggest that whoever built the machine would know how to make said V-I-R-U-S in the first place? Or does this machine merely detect anything "viral"? If so, what's to prevent Amador from putting an ordinary flu virus into a test tube with some phosphorescent green food coloring and charging Nina several million dollars for it? Or maybe I'm overthinking this. Anyway, once the contraption starts to make these beeping sounds, Nina announces that it will take five minutes to confirm that this is the V-I-R-U-S. The time is 12:35:41 AM.
The time is 12:39:55 AM. Back at CTU, the Whatever Technology they use to connect to Charlie Brown in the field is down, according to Potato Face, so Adam the Woman Hater tries to get her some new audio filters to help her out. Soul Patch has gotten a call from Brother Palmer, bitching him out for executing a military action without notifying the Pentagon. "When this is over, the President will hold all three of you accountable," says Brother Palmer. "If you're calling me to reprimand me, you are doing us both a disservice," says Soul Patch. "I need to focus on this operation." However, Brother Palmer needs details about the operation, so for the forty-ninth time this evening, Soul Patch explains about the V-I-R-U-S, Nina, Amador, the Delta Teams, and Special Agent Charlie Brown. "Sounds like an awful lot of things are going to have to go perfectly in order to pull this off," says Brother Palmer. "That's true," says Soul Patch. "But we're pretty sure we have our bases covered." "'Pretty sure' isn't good enough," says Brother Palmer. "You make this happen."
Over on another part of the floor, Bitchelle, Potato Face, and Adam the Woman Hater receive word from Special Agent Charlie Brown that the V-I-R-U-S has been verified. Over in Mexico, Nina announces that the "signatures match." "It is the [V-I-R-U-S], I repeat, it is the [V-I-R-U-S]," yelps Special Agent Charlie Brown. However, just as Nina is about to place the V-I-R-U-S in her pocket, Amador reminds her that he can't give it to her until the "funds are in place." Nina calls the Whatever Savings and Loan of Switzerland and confirms the transaction. If I have to type "confirms the transaction," or some variation thereof, one more time, I'm going to start huffing oven cleaner. However, as this is being done, Amador is out of the shot with his back to all observers, doing god knows what. Switching the V-I-R-U-S? As soon as the transaction is confirmed (Easy Off! Huff!), Amador hands Nina a teeny aluminum case that looks like it was purchased at Ricky's Cosmetics, and thanks her for doing business with him. As everyone observes, Amador's vehicle pulls out of the parking lot and heads for points unknown. Soul Patch orders an arm of the Delta Team to "pick [Amador] up." Now Charlie Brown reports Nina's movements as she leaves the parking lot with the V-I-R-U-S. However, the audio goes wonky and they can't hear him back at CTU. So then there's this "wacky" sequence where Potato Face announces that she's switched satellites without telling anyone and starts running to other workstations and hitting random keys. Just when everyone is sneaking glances at each other and starting to think that Potato Face is an incompetent, baby-snatching psycho, the audio goes back up...and it's all thanks to Potato Face. Woo Potato Face! Oreida!
Back in Mexico, Charlie Brown watches as Nina and the Salazar bodyguard come back to Kiefer and Hartmano. Hartmano takes the case from her and looks inside. Yep, it glows. It must be the V-I-R-U-S. Just as Kiefer suggests that they get out of there, Hartmano pulls a gun on him. "I don't need you anymore," says Hartmano. "I thought we had a deal!" bleats Kiefer. Charlie tells CTU that Kiefer is in trouble, and the Delta teams won't be there in time. "My brother died because of you! Because of you!" shouts Hartmano. But just when he's about to shoot Kiefer, Charlie Brown shoots Hartmano...in the shoulder. Everyone starts shooting at each other and Nina runs into the woods. Kiefer grabs a Salazar flunkie's gun and starts shooting back at everyone. Just then, a Delta chopper arrives, and a van carrying Delta ground troups pulls up into the parking lot and starts firing missiles at the Salazars. Hartmano -- who is still is holding the V-I-R-U-S -- runs off into the woods, just like Nina. Kiefer sees this and runs after him. Charlie Brown reports all of this back to CTU. The time is 12:46:59 AM.
The time is 12:51:41 AM. Over at Milliken Manor, Mrs. Milliken (a.k.a. Aretha Ocean) removes her shoes, and then goes over to the refrigerator for some bottled water. Who removes her shoes in their kitchen? Her phone rings. It's Lady Mac. "I know what your husband is doing to David," says Lady Mac. "I can't do anything about that," replies Aretha Ocean. Lady Mac promises to help Aretha break free from a very controlling William Ocean without "giving up everything." Lady Mac wants to have a meeting, but Aretha can't leave the house without William Ocean wondering where she's going. "Then I'm coming to you," says Lady Mac.
Whatever, Mexico. Special Agent Charlie Brown and the Delta team catch up with Kiefer in the woods. Kiefer is relieved that Charlie is all right. He tells the team that their first priority is the V-I-R-U-S; their second is Hartmano. "Are we clear?" asks Kiefer. Everyone agrees, and the team splits up to find the V-I-R-U-S. After some walking through the woods, Kiefer comes up on Hartmano, who has paused in order to tend to his shoulder wound. Does Kiefer sneak up on him and seize the V-I-R-U-S? No. Instead, he gives Hartmano a warning from several yards away. "It's over, [Hartmano]!" cries Kiefer. "I'm not going back to jail," retorts Hartmano. Kiefer promises that they can cut a deal, because the V-I-R-U-S interception is the most important thing right now. Hartmano refuses to give up, and holds the V-I-R-U-S cylinder up in order to dissuade the troops from firing at him. "I have the authority to cut a deal," says Kiefer. "Just put the cylinder down!" All of a sudden, a creepy noise emits from the cylinder. It explodes, killing Hartmano, and throwing Kiefer and Charlie Brown a few yards. They writhe around on the ground for a while, and when they finally get to their feet, Kiefer takes Charlie's cell and calls Soul Patch. "We do not have the [V-I-R-U-S]. I repeat, we do not have the [V-I-R-U-S]!" he tells Soul Patch. "The cylinder [Hartmano] was carrying was rigged with a bomb. Amador must have switched it!" Soul Patch promises to send Delta teams after Amador, and asks if Nina was involved with this. "No, the bomb was meant for her," says Kiefer. Potato Face cuts in to announce that the Delta teams have caught up with Amador.
Over at Amador's location, the Delta teams catch up to him, stop his Jeep, and hold him at gunpoint. "Get out of the vehicle now," shouts the leader of the Delta team. Amador gets out, puts his hands up, and gazes over at some nearby trees. Lo and behold, some of Amador's men have been lying in wait for the Delta team. They open fire on them and take them out. When the dust settles, Amador takes out his cell phone, stomps on it, and drives away.
Back at CTU, Bitchelle informs Soul Patch that the Delta team was ambushed just as Adam the Woman Hater tells Soul Patch that they've lost Amador's cell phone signal. Soul Patch reports this to Kiefer, who asks if they can still trace him via satellite. "No," says Soul Patch. "There's no visual satellite coverage of this area at this time." "We've gotta find Nina," Kiefer tells Chase.
Back in Amador's vehicle, Amador pulls another cylinder out from the breast pocket of his three-button suit -- the real V-I-R-U-S -- and places it in his aluminum briefcase. The time is 12:59:58...12:59:59...01:00:00 AM.