Day 2: 2:00 AM -- 3:00 AM

Due to some graphic violence, viewer discretion is advised. Oh, and Kiefer's naked. Beep beep beep beep beep. 24. Previouslys. Bitchelle puts Soul Patch in touch with Kiefer, who tells him that he's on the verge of getting evidence of the Cyprus recordings but CTU has to stay out of it. The evidence, according to a dying SeventhCoralSnake, is inside of himliterally. It's in a microchip planted inside his torso. Meanwhile, Rolaide, PoorMan'sHumeCronyn, and the DoD are pressuring Palmer to bomb Fauxraqistan, Akalakistan, and Tofurkeynow! The following takes place between 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM.

Division. A general is briefing Palmer, his staff, and the Joint Chiefs about the surprise attack. According to this general, bomb squadrons are on their way to three targets. He points to Fauxraqistan, Tofurkey, and Akalakistan on a map, and he's basically pointing to Libya, Algeria, and Tunisia. Palmer is uncomfortable and testy at this meeting. This leads Vice President Prescott, a.k.a. PoorMan'sJoeLieberman, to ask Palmer if he's really behind these air strikes. Okay, you know how, in those advice columns like Ann Landers and Ask Beth, some girl would write in -- about once a month, it seemed -- and say, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend says that if I really really loved him, I'd go 'all the way,' but I don't feel ready"? Well, basically that's what we have with Palmer and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. If Palmer rilly rilly loves his country and wants to do something about the B-O-M-B, he'll let them bomb these Middle Eastern countries now and prove it. Palmer informs everyone present that Kiefer may have evidence that proves the Cyprus recordings are a fake, and that they need to wait for his okay before they retaliate. "Mr. President," says the general. "This battle plan requires us to surprise the enemy with overwhelming force. We will lose that advantage if we wait any longer." He goes on to claim that by losing that surprise advantage, the U.S. will suffer up to 20,000 casualties. Okay, you know how, in those aforementioned advice columns, another girl -- or who knows, maybe the same girl -- would write in and say, "My boyfriend says he has a condition called 'blue balls' and that if I don't go all the way with him, the sperm will build up in his penis and kill him. Is that true?" And then invariably the columnist's answer will be, "Tell your boyfriend to just jerk himself off already," or something more polite and clinical. Basically, that's what they're using to convince Palmer to go all the way: the blue balls defense. If you don't bomb now, 20,000 of us will die. "Then we have no choice but to proceed with the plan as stated," says Palmer, reluctantly letting the Joint Chiefs of Staff lead him into the backseat of their dad's Impala and remove his panties. Dear Diary: Remember how I wanted my first time bombing a country to be speciallike in a meadow full of wildflowers? Well, that totally never happened. Also? I've got a pimple.

Doc In The Box. Kiefer is on the phone, trying to reach Palmer to tell him that he is in possession of proof needed to call off WWIII. The unseen secretary on other end of the line is not putting Palmer on the phone. Is she part of the conspiracy? Or is she just sick of these urgent velvety phone calls from Kiefer where he says things like "20 million people will die if you put me through to his voicemail!" I imagine she's just as passive-aggressive with annoying callers as I was back when I was a secretary my first year out of college. Meanwhile, PoorMan'sArmandAssante is examining the microchip under a magnifying glass. Kiefer gets Soul Patch on the phone and tells him that he is bringing a chip into CTU with the evidence that proves the Cyprus recordings were forged. "How do you know it's real?" asks Soul Patch. Kiefer explains that the chip was implanted into the Seventh Coral Snake's body and should therefore be taken very seriously. Soul Patch wants Kiefer's exact location so he can send them an aerial escort, but Kiefer changes the subject and asks Soul Patch to call Palmer and tell him what they've found. Soul Patch doesn't want to until they've verified the evidence. Kiefer begs him to at least tell Palmer what's going on. Soul Patch is momentarily immune -- rebellious even -- to the Sutherland velvet. He promises nothing. And their phone connection is getting static-y anyway, so they hang up.

PMAA calls Kiefer over and shows him a tracking device on the chip. "I don't understand," says Cate, obviously needing to have a line eventually. Kiefer explains that this is how the snipers must have found SCS at the warehouse. Okay, so let me get this straight. The evil oil men had their hands on the chip long enough to plant a tracking device on it, but they didn't think to, say, destroy it, so instead they let SCS have it back and implant it into his body? And then they gave him a head start and then tried to kill him? What is this? A fox hunt? Fortunately, PMAA is familiar with this kind of tracker, and thinks he can remove it from the chip without damaging the evidence inside.

CTU. Poor Bitchelle is getting shit from everyone these daysI mean, "hours." Presently, she's on the phone with that guy Danny whom she spoke to a couple of episodes ago. Danny wants to know things about the B-O-M-B that Bitchelle isn't authorized to tell him, and he's not being gracious about it. Bitchelle tells him that everything's being taken care of and to "sit tight." Danny isn't having any of it. He hangs up on her. Soul Patch enters, and Bitchelle mentions to him that there's something wrong with the phones. Soul Patch explains that the network has been flooded since the B-O-M-B went off. He asks her who she was just on the phone with. "No one," says Bitchelle. Soul Patch takes this at face value and changes the subject, telling Bitchelle about his call from Kiefer. Bitchelle urges Soul Patch to call the president. Soul Patch says he'll think about it, and crutches himself out of there. Bitchelle watches him leave with a mournful and confused expression on her face.

Doc In The Box. PoorMan'sArmandAssante is still trying to separate the tracker from the chip while Cate plays scrub nurse. Kiefer looks out the window and sees three men in leather jackets getting out of a car; they're wearing headsets like the ones Madonna's backup dancers used on the Blonde Ambition tour. A transmitter they're holding is signaling them to enter the building. Kiefer tells PMAA to hurry up with the tracker-ectomy. PMAA tells Kiefer to stop bothering him. The chip is finally separated from the tracker. Kiefer takes the tracker, which PMAA assures him is still functional, and tells Cate and PMAA that he wants to lead Jos, Luis, and Slam away from the chip so that they can get it to CTU. He tells PMAA and Kate to meet him a few blocks away with the chip. If he's not there in fifteen minutes, they are to deliver the chip to CTU. "Be careful," says Cate. Kiefer assures her that he'll be okay, and they separate.

Jos, Luis, and Slam's transmitter detects that their target is moving. They wander through the crowded clinic looking totally inconspicuous with their headsets, their shaved heads, and their GPS monitor, and come upon the SeventhCoralSnake's dead body. One of them flips off the sheet and sees the bloody hole where the transmitter should have been. Meanwhile, Cate and PMAA are hiding in the room. When Jose leaves, they sneak out and head, presumably, to the parking lot. The time is 02:09:07 AM.

The time is 02:13:20 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Bitchelle continues to look distressed, Soul Patch procrastinates in his office, and Palmer's date rapeI mean, "meeting" with the Joint Chiefs of Staff continues. District. The meeting/date rape breaks, and PoorMan'sHumeCronyn tells Palmer about erupting violence in California. Apparently, the governor of California wants Palmer to dispatch the National Guard just like he did in Marietta. Rolaide enters. She doesn't have "the boy's name" for Palmer as he asked last week, but she does say that Soul Patch is on the emergency network, wanting to speak to Palmer. "Why the emergency network?" asks Palmer. Rolaide replies that the phone lines at CTU have been overloaded with calls since the B-O-M-B went off, and 90 percent of the system is down. PMHC offers to speak to Soul Patch, but Palmer has Rolaide patch him to their speakerphone. Soul Patch tells them that Kiefer klaims to have found the source recordings edited together to make the Cyprus tape. Soul Patch admits to being conflicted about telling Palmer about these recordings, since no one has seen them, let alone authenticated them, yet. "Your confidence in Kiefer is kurious," says PMHC. "An hour ago, you told me that he assaulted CTU personnel and took illegal custody of a witness." Soul Patch tells them that Kiefer had to do what Kiefer had to do, since the SeventhCoralSnake refused to deal with CTU. Palmer asks Soul Patch if he believes that the source recordings are any more authentic than the Cyprus tapes themselves. Soul Patch says he isn't sure. Palmer sighs, thanks him for his "candor," and promises to take his information "under advisement." They hang up.

Palmer gets up out of this chair that looks like a something you'd sit on when you ride an Amtrak train, sighs again, and tells OMHC and Rolaide that he's calling off the attack. PMHC wants to go over the "cons" again, but Palmer says they've talked enough. "I appreciate your respect for Kiefer, but you know the man's reputation" says PMHC. "I know the man," says Palmer. Well, tell that to your secretary, Palmer, because she's not taking his calls. "Then maybe you should start thinking about your own reputation," says PMHC, explaining to Palmer that his lack of response to the B-O-M-B may be perceived as "personal weakness." Um, not to beat a dead horse, but waiting a few days to retaliate is not a "lack of response." Rolaide jumps in and reminds Palmer of the Pentagon's assessment showing that stopping and then restarting the military operation will cost "tens of thousands of lives." "That's an acceptable risk," says Palmer, "if the alternative is waging war on three innocent countries." PMHC points out that these countries have not always proven to be "innocent" in the past, and urges Palmer in the "strongest possible terms" to reconsider. Palmer looks at Rolaide for support, but she gives him this basset hound face. "I've made up my mind," says Palmer, ordering them to set up a conference call with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

CTU. Bitchelle sees Soul Patch looking at her, so she walks over to where he is standing on the catwalk. Tony tells Michelle that he informed the President about Jack's evidence. "You did the right thing, Soul Patch," says Bitchelle. Tony tells her to confirm that the chip is real when Kiefer brings it to CTU. Bitchelle goes off to prepare the Whatever Technology that verifies stuff like that. Soul Patch exits, but before he does, Bitchelle thanks him.

The Kiefmobile. As Yusuf drives towards Jack's meeting point, Kate tries to phone CTU. All the circuits are clogged, and she can't get through. Yusuf comments that they are too busy preparing war against his country. "There won't be a war," says Cate, standing by her man and the agency he works for. "They'll get the chip, they'll know the truth." PMAA is all, "You might feel differently if it was your family being threatened." Cate is silent. They pull up to the location. PMAA gets out to look for Kiefer.

Meanwhile, at Doc In The Box, Jose, Luis and Slam follow their monitor into the basement of the clinic. The monitor starts beeping more rapidly in front of a locked door. They kick it in and look around. There is no sign of Kiefer, but the monitor leads them to a folded-up piece of paper on the floor. Inside it is the tracker, but no chip. Jose looks out the window and just happens to see Kiefer running away from Doc In The Box. Another car pulls up in front of Kiefer. Kiefer pulls out a gun and shoots at them, but a guy named Ronnie Stark shoots Kiefer with a taser. He falls to the ground. On Stark's orders, the men carry Kiefer's limp body back inside the clinic. The time is 02:21:05 AM.

The time is 2:25:16 AM. Yet another warning of graphic violence appears. Klockwise from the top left, Cate sits in deep thought in the Kiefmobile, PMHC makes a phone call, and PMAA paces the parking lot. At division, PMHC is informing what I assume is someone from the Defense Department that Palmer isn't going through with the attack. Rolaide enters, they both bitch about the "blowback" from Palmer's change of heart. Rolaide asks PMHC if he knows anything about a meeting that the Vice President called with the cabinet for the end of the episodeI mean, "in an hour and a half." PMHC asks what the agenda for the meeting is. Rolaide replies that she doesn't know, because she wasn't invited. She only heard about it secondhand. "Do you think it could have anything to do with the President calling off the military strikes?" asks PMHC. "What else could it be?" says Rolaide. PMHC asks if she's told Palmer. Rolaide says that she didn't, because it could turn out to be just a rumor, but asks PMHC to keep her posted if he hears anything.

And now the moment we've all been waiting for and warned against: naked Kiefer. Kiefer lies on the floor of Doc In The Box puking his guts out while Jos, Luis, and Slam go over his vomit with a metal detector. Wow, I'm so turned on! Meanwhile, a strategically placed arm with a gun blocks our view of his naked butt. Meanwhile, TeutonicTerrorDude unfurls a sleeve full of sinister-looking instruments. And when I say "sinister," I don't mean "fun, sexy 'n' sinister." I mean sinister. We're talking the kind of porn you have to fly down to South America to see because the people who are performing in it are political prisoners. Now, when I saw last week's previews and saw that Kiefer was going to be naked and tortured, I was totally excited. I had no idea that they were going to actually show, um, torture. I thought they were just going to show "Fox" torture. You know? Like when they have lesbians on Fox, they don't show gray-haired, crew-cutted gym teachers wearing flannel shirts -- they show Tiffani-Amber and Mia Kirshner? I was thinking Kiefer would be bound and gagged, and they'd play with his nipples until he got really sweaty. I didn't think it would be so hardcore.

But then, I'm one of these people that members of the BDSM community would like to hurt...and not in a good way. I'm a tourist. I love the idea of S&M, but not the actual execution. For instance, there's this S&M bar here in NYC called The Lure. Apparently, The Lure is considered really pass by "real" S&M people. Like when everyone at my high school was going "punk," there were people who gave themselves Mohawks in their parents' garages with a razor, and then there were people who went to a salon like John Dellaria's and said, "Give me a Mohawk!" The former looked down on the latter and called them "posers." The Lure is considered a "poser" S&M bar. The guys there don't go to biker shops to get their leather -- they go to Barneys. And I am considered a poser, even amongst the crowd at The Lure. When it first opened, I went a few times with some friends, and I lost my mind. These men looked so hot in their leather outfits and their cigars and their nipple rings. I was in heaven. So then I actually get into conversations with some of them and they're all, "Are you into water sports?" or "Could I put this cigar out on your chest?" and I'm like, "Could we just make out?" I'm like the S&M equivalent of one of those white high school kids who listens to rap, wears track suits and baggy jeans, and says "yo" a lot, but when my Honda Civic breaks down in Compton, I freak out and call my parents on my cell phone to come pick me up.